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1 INT. CASTLE INTERIOR 1
There is a bed onstage behind a silky curtain, backlit.
PRINCE CHARMING (OS)
Once upon a time in a kingdom far,
far away, the king and queen were
blessed with a beautiful baby girl.
And throughout the land, everyone
was happy... until the sun went down
and they saw that their daughter was
cursed with a frightful enchantment
that took hold each and every night.
Desperate, they sought the help of a
fairy godmother who had them lock
the young princess away in a tower,
there to await the kiss... of the
handsome Prince Charming.
(enters gallantly onstage)
It was he who would chance the
perilous journey through blistering
cold and scorching desert traveling
for many days and nights, risking
life and limb to reach the Dragon's
keep. For he was the bravest, and
most handsome... in all the land.
(looks at the audience)
And it was destiny that his kiss
would break the dreaded curse. He
alone would climb to the highest
room of the tallest tower to enter
the princess's chambers, cross the
room to her sleeping silhouette,
pull back the gossamer curtains to
find her...
(pulls back the curtain to
reveal WOLF in the bed.
Gasps)
WOLF
What?
CHARMING
Princess... Fiona?
WOLF
No!
CHARMING
(relieved)
Thank heavens. Where is she?
2.
WOLF
She's on her honeymoon.
CHARMING
Honeymoon? With whom?
2 EXT. THE SWAMP 2
SHREK
It's so good to be home! Just you
and me and...
DONKEY
(offstage)
One is the loneliest number that you
ever do...
(enters)
Two can be as bad as one...
SHREK
Donkey?
DONKEY
Shrek! Fiona! Aren't you two a sight
for sore eyes! Give us a hug, Shrek,
you old love machine. And look at
you, Mrs. Shrek. How 'bout a side of
sugar for the steed?
SHREK
Donkey, what are you doing here?
DONKEY
Taking care of your love nest for
you.
SHREK
Oh, you mean like... sorting the
mail and watering the plants?
DONKEY
Yeah, and feeding the fish!
SHREK
I don't have any fish.
DONKEY
You did.
(looks around for the
fish)
SHREK
3.
Look at the time. I guess you'd
better be going.
DONKEY
Don't you want to tell me about your
trip? Or how about a game of
Parcheesi?
FIONA
Actually, Donkey? Shouldn't you be
getting home to Dragon?
DONKEY
Oh, yeah, that. I don't know. She's
been all moody and stuff lately. I
thought I'd move in with you.
FIONA
You know we're always happy to see
you, Donkey.
SHREK
But Fiona and I are married now. We
need a little time, you know, to be
together. Just with each other.
Alone.
DONKEY
Say no more. You don't have to worry
about a thing. I will always be here
to make sure nobody bothers you.
SHREK
Donkey!
DONKEY
Yes, roomie?
SHREK
You're bothering me.
DONKEY
Oh, OK. All right, cool. I guess...
Me and Pinocchio was going to catch
a tournament, anyway, so...Maybe
I'll see y'all Sunday for a barbecue
or something.
SHREK
He'll be fine. Now, where were we?
(giggles)
Oh.I think I remember. Donkey!
DONKEY
4.
I know, I know! Alone! I'm going!
I'm going. What do you want me to
tell these other guys?
ROYAL MESSENGER enters to fanfare.
MESSENGER
(clears throat)
"Dearest Princess Fiona. You are
hereby summoned to the Kingdom of
Far, Far Away for a royal ball in
celebration of your marriage at
which time the King will bestow his
royal blessing... upon you and
your...uh... Prince Charming. Love,
the King and Queen of Far, Far Away.
aka Mom and Dad."
FIONA
Mom and Dad?
SHREK
Prince Charming?
DONKEY
Royal ball? Can I come?
SHREK
We're not going.
FIONA & DONKEY
What?
SHREK
I mean, don't you think they might
be a bit...shocked to see you like
this?
FIONA
Well, they might be a bit surprised.
But they're my parents, Shrek. They
love me. And don't worry. They'll
love you, too.
SHREK
Yeah, right. Somehow I don't think
I'll be welcome at the country club.
FIONA
Stop it. They're not like that.
SHREK
How do you explain Sergeant Pompous
and the Fancy Pants Club Band?
5.
FIONA
Oh, come on! You could at least give
them a chance.
SHREK
To do what? Sharpen their
pitchforks?
FIONA
No! They just want to give you their
blessing.
SHREK
Oh, great. Now I need their
blessing?
FIONA
If you want to be a part of this
family, yes!
SHREK
Who says I want to be part of this
family?
FIONA
You did! When you married me!
SHREK
Well, there's some fine print for
you!
FIONA
(exasperated sigh)
So that's it. You won't come?
SHREK
Trust me. It's a bad idea. We are
not going! And that's final!
ALL exit.
3 EXT. SHREK SWAMP 3
SHREK, DONKEY and FIONA re-enter with GINGY and PINOCHIO.
SHREK is carrying luggage.
GINGY
(walking by and picking up
the ‘warning, Ogres sign’)
Don't worry! We'll take care of
everything.
6.
PINOCHIO
Hey, wait for me.
DONKEY
Hit it! Move 'em on! Head 'em up!
Head 'em up, move 'em on! Head 'em
up! Move ‘em on, Rawhide! Knock 'em
out! Pound 'em dead! Make 'em tea!
Buy 'em drinks! Meet their mamas!
Milk 'em hard! Rawhide! Yeehaw!
SHREK, FIONA and DONKEY pass back and forth on the stage
every time the E/E (Enter/exit symbol appears)
DONKEY
Are we there yet?
SHREK
No.
DONKEY
Are we there yet?
FIONA
Not yet.
DONKEY
OK, are we there yet?
SHREK
No.
DONKEY
Are we there yet?
FIONA
No!
DONKEY
Are we there yet?
SHREK
Yes.
DONKEY
Really?
SHREK
No!
DONKEY
Are we there yet?
SHREK & FIONA
7.
No!
DONKEY
Are we there yet?
SHREK
(mimics)
Are we there yet?
DONKEY
That's not funny. That's really
immature.
SHREK
That's not funny. That's really
immature.
DONKEY
This is why nobody likes ogres.
SHREK
This is why nobody likes ogres.
DONKEY
Your loss!
SHREK
Your loss!
DONKEY
I'm gonna just stop talking.
SHREK
Finally!
DONKEY
This is taking forever, Shrek.
There's no in-flight movie or
nothing!
SHREK
The Kingdom of Far, Far Away,
Donkey. That's where we're going.
Far, far --
(softly)
away!
DONKEY
All right, all right, I get it. I'm
just so darn bored.
SHREK
(groans)
Are we there yet?
8.
FIONA
(chuckles)
Yes!
DONKEY
Oh, finally!
ALL exit.
4 EXT. FAR FAR AWAY - CASTLE ENTRANCE 4
MESSENGER
Announcing the long-awaited return
of the beautiful Princess Fiona and
her new husband.
SHREK and FIONA enter off-stage left.
KING and QUEEN enter off-stage right.
FIONA
Well, this is it.
KING
This is it.
MESSENGER
This is it.
(exits)
SHREK
(chuckles)
So...you still think this was a good
idea?
FIONA
Of course! Look. Mom and Dad look
happy to see us.
KING
Who on earth are they?
QUEEN
I think that's our little girl.
KING
That's not little! That's a really
big problem. Wasn't she supposed to
kiss Prince Charming and break the
spell?
QUEEN
9.
Well, he's no Prince Charming, but
they do look...
SHREK
Happy now? We came. We saw them. Now
let's go before they light the
torches.
FIONA
They're my parents.
SHREK
Hello? They locked you in a tower.
FIONA
That was for my own...
KING
Good! Here's our chance. Let's go
back inside and pretend we're not
home.
QUEEN
Harold, we have to be...
SHREK
Quick! While they're not looking we
can make a run for it.
FIONA
Shrek, stop it! Everything's gonna
be...
KING
A disaster! There is no way...
FIONA
You can do this.
Both parties begin moving toward eachother
SHREK
I really...
KING
Really...
QUEEN
don't...
SHREK
want...
FIONA
10.
to...
KING
be...
SHREK
Here!
FIONA
Mom... Dad...I'd like you to meet my
husband... Shrek.
SHREK
Well, um...It's easy to see where
Fiona gets her good looks from.
(chuckles nervously)
5 DONKEY ENTERS SHAKING OFF A GUARD 5
DONKEY
(off-stage)
What do you mean, "not on the list"?
Don't tell me you don't know who I
am.
(enters)
What's happening, everybody? Thanks
for waiting. I had the hardest time
getting into this place.
KING
No! No! Bad donkey! Bad! Go!
FIONA
No, Dad! It's all right. It's all
right. He's with us. He helped
rescue me from the dragon.
DONKEY
That's me: the noble steed.
SHREK
Oh, boy.
QUEEN
So, Fiona, tell us about where you
live.
FIONA
Well...Shrek owns his own land.
Don't you, honey?
SHREK
11.
Oh, yes! It's in an enchanted forest
abundant in squirrels and cute
little duckies and...
DONKEY
(laughing)
What? I know you ain't talking about
the swamp.
KING
An ogre from a swamp. Oh! How
original.
QUEEN
I suppose that would be a fine place
to raise the children.
6 SHREK AND KING COUGH INVOLUNTARILY 6
SHREK
It's a bit early to be thinking
about that, isn't it?
KING
Indeed.
QUEEN
Harold!
SHREK
What's that supposed to mean?
FIONA
Dad. It's great, OK?
KING
For his type, yes.
SHREK
My type?
KING
I suppose any grandchildren I could
expect from you would be...
SHREK
Ogres, yes!
QUEEN
Not that there's anything wrong with
that. Right, Harold?
KING
12.
Oh, no! No! Of course, not! That is,
assuming you don't eat your own
young!
FIONA
Dad!
SHREK
No, we usually prefer the ones
who've been locked away in a tower!
FIONA
Shrek, please!
KING
I only did that because I love her.
SHREK
Aye, day care or dragon-guarded
castle.
KING
You wouldn't understand. You're not
her father!
QUEEN
Harold!
FIONA
Shrek!
SHREK
Fiona!
KING
Fiona!
FIONA
Mom!
QUEEN
Harold...
DONKEY
Donkey!
FIONA exits crying.
7 EXT. STREETS OF FAR FAR AWAY 7
FIONA enters, she hears the voice of FAIRY GODMOTHER
FAIRY GODMOTHER (FG)
13.
Your fallen tears have called to me
So, here comes my sweet remedy I
know what every princess needs For
her to live life happily...
Both gasp.
FG
Oh, my dear. Oh, look at you. You're
all grown up.
FIONA
Who are you?
FG
Oh, sweet pea! I'm your fairy
godmother.
FIONA
I have a fairy godmother?
FG
Shush, shush. Now, don't worry. I'm
here to make it all better. With
just a wave of my magic wand, your
troubles will soon be gone. For
example, how about a sporty carriage
to ride in style, with a sexy manboy chauffeur named Kyle?
KYLE enters.
FIONA
Thank you very much, Fairy
Godmother, but...
SHREK enters.
SHREK
Fiona? Fiona.
FIONA
Oh, uh...Fairy Godmother... I'd like
you to meet my husband, Shrek.
FG
Your husband? What? What did you
say? When did this happen?
FIONA
Shrek is the one who rescued me.
FG
But that can't be right.
14.
SHREK
Oh, great, more relatives!
FIONA
She's just trying to help.
SHREK
Good! She can help us pack. Get your
coat, dear. We're leaving.
FIONA
What? I don't want to leave. When
did you decide this?
SHREK
Shortly after arriving.
FIONA
Look, I'm sorry...
FG
No, that's all right. I need to go,
anyway. But remember, dear. If you
should ever need me...
happiness...is just a teardrop away.
SHREK
Thanks, but we've got all the
happiness we need. Happy, happy,
happy...
FG
So I see. Let's go, Kyle.
FIONA
Very nice, Shrek.
SHREK
What? I told you coming here was a
bad idea.
FIONA
You could've at least tried to get
along with my father.
SHREK
I don't think I was going to get
Daddy's blessing, even if I did want
it.
FIONA
Do you think it might be nice if
somebody asked me what I wanted?
15.
SHREK
Sure. Do you want me to pack for
you?
FIONA
You're unbelievable! You're behaving
like a...
SHREK
Go on! Say it!
FIONA
Like an ogre!
SHREK
Here's a news flash for you! Whether
your parents like it or not...I am
an ogre! And guess what, Princess?
That's not about to change.
FIONA
I've made changes for you, Shrek.
Think about that.
(exits)
DONKEY
That's real smooth, Shrek. "I'm an
ogre!"
8 INT. KING AND QUEEN’S BEDCHAMBER 8
KING
I knew this would happen.
QUEEN
You should. You started it.
KING
I can hardly believe that, Lillian.
He's the ogre. Not me.
QUEEN
I think, Harold, you're taking this
a little too personally. This is
Fiona's choice.
KING
But she was supposed to choose the
prince we picked for her. I mean,
you expect me to give my blessings
to this... thing?
QUEEN
16.
Fiona does. And she'll never forgive
you if you don't. I don't want to
lose our daughter again, Harold. Oh,
you act as if love is totally
predictable. Don't you remember when
we were young? We used to walk down
by the lily pond and...
KING
they were in bloom...
QUEEN
Our first kiss.
KING
It's not the same! I don't think you
realize that our daughter has
married a monster!
QUEEN
Oh, stop being such a drama king.
KING
Fine! Pretend there's nothing wrong!
La, di, da, di, da! Isn't it all
wonderful! I'd like to know how it
could get any worse!
FG
(out on the balcony)
Hello, Harold.
KING gasps.
QUEEN
What happened?
KING
Nothing, dear! Just the old crusade
wound playing up a bit! I'll just
stretch it out here for a while.
FC
We need to talk.
KING
Actually, Fairy Godmother, off to
bed.
(yawns)
Already taken my pills, and they
tend to make me a bit drowsy. So,
how about... we make this a quick
visit. What?
17.
(Bumps up against two
armed guards)
Oh, hello. Ha-ha-ha! So, what's new?
FG
You remember my son, Prince
Charming?
CHARMING enters.
KING
Is that you? My gosh! It's been
years. When did you get back?
CHARMING
Oh, about five minutes ago,
actually. After I endured blistering
winds, scorching desert...I climbed
to the highest room in the tallest
tower...
FG
Mommy can handle this. He endures
blistering winds and scorching
desert! He climbs to the highest
bloody room of the tallest bloody
tower...And what does he find? Some
gender-confused wolf telling him
that his princess is already
married.
KING
It wasn't my fault. He didn't get
there in time.
FG
Harold.
(GUARD reaches into his
pocket)
You’ve forced me to do something I
really don't want to do.
KING
(gasps)
What is that? What have you got
there?
GUARD pulls out a cellphone and gives it to FG.
FG
My diet is ruined! Yes, I’d like two
Renaissance Wraps, no mayo... chili
rings...
18.
CHARMING
I'll have the Medieval Meal.
FG
One Medieval Meal and, Harold...
Curly fries?
KING
No, thank you.
FG
Sourdough soft taco, then?
KING
No, really, I'm fine.
FG
Nothing else thanks.
(hangs up)
We made a deal, Harold, and I assume
you don't want me to go back on my
part.
KING
(sighs deeply)
Indeed not.
FG
So, Fiona and Charming will be
together.
KING
Yes.
FG
Believe me, Harold. It's what's
best. Not only for your
daughter...but for your Kingdom.
KING
What am I supposed to do about it?
FG
Use your imagination.
9 INT. AT A PUB IN THE WOODS 9
KING enters. A woman (UGLY STEPSISTER) is cleaning a glass
with her back to the audience.
KING
(clears throat)
19.
Excuse me. Uh... excuse me. I'm
looking for the Ugly Stepsister.
UGLY STEPSISTER turns around to reveal herself.
KING
Ah! There you are. Right. You see, I
need to have someone taken care of.
UGLY STEPSISTER
Who's the guy?
KING
Well, he's not a guy, per se. Um...
He's an ogre.
UGLY STEPSISTER
Hey, buddy, let me clue you in.
There's only one fellow who can
handle a job like that, and,
frankly...he don't like to be
disturbed.
KING
Where could I find him?
UGLY STEPSISTER point to the dark corner of the room.
KING
Hello?
MYSTERIOUS VOICE
Who dares speak to me?
KING
Sorry! I hope I'm not interrupting,
but I'm told you're the one to talk
to about an ogre problem?
VOICE
You are told correct. But for this,
I charge a great deal of money.
KING
Would... this be enough?
(holds up a heavy satchel
of coins)
VOICE
You have engaged my valuable
services, Your Majesty. Just tell me
where I can find this ogre.
20.
10 INT. CASTLE 10
SHREK is alone reading FIONA’s diary.
FIONA (OFFSTAGE)
Dear Diary... Sleeping Beauty is
having a slumber party tomorrow, but
Dad says I can't go. He never lets
me out after sunset. Dad says I'm
going away for a while. Must be like
some finishing school. Mom says that
when I'm old enough, my Prince
Charming will rescue me from my
tower and bring me back to my
family, and we'll all live happily
ever after. Mrs. Fiona Charming.
Mrs. Fiona Charming. Mrs. Fiona
Charming.
A knock on door.
KING
Sorry. I hope I'm not interrupting
anything.
SHREK
No, no. I was just reading a, uh...
a scary book.
KING
I was hoping you'd let me apologize
for my despicable behavior earlier.
SHREK
Okay...
KING
I don't know what came over me. Do
you suppose we could pretend it
never happened and start over...
SHREK
Look, Your Majesty, I just...
KING
Please. Call me Dad.
SHREK
Dad. We both acted like ogres. Maybe
we just need some time to get to
know each other.
KING
21.
Excellent idea! I was actually
hoping you might join me for a
morning hunt. A little father-son
time? I know it would mean the world
to Fiona. Shall we say, by the old
oak?
SHREK
Sure.
FADE OUT:
11 EXT. IN THE FOREST 11
SHREK
Face it, Donkey! We're lost.
DONKEY
We can't be lost. We followed the
King's instructions exactly. "Head
to the darkest part of the
woods...""Past the sinister trees
with scary-looking branches." The
bush shaped like Shirley Bassey!
SHREK
We passed that three times already!
DONKEY
You were the one who said not to
stop for directions.
SHREK
Oh, great. My one chance to fix
things up with Fiona's dad and I end
up lost in the woods with you!
DONKEY
Don't get huffy! I'm only trying to
help.
SHREK
I know! I know. I'm sorry, all
right?
DONKEY
Hey, don't worry about it.
SHREK
I just really need to make things
work with this guy.
DONKEY
22.
Yeah, sure. Now let's go bond with
Daddy.
SHREK hears purring.
SHREK
Well, well, well, Donkey. I know it
was kind of a tender moment back
there, but the purring?
DONKEY
What? I ain't purring.
SHREK
Sure. What's next? A hug?
DONKEY
Hey, Shrek. Donkeys don't purr. What
do you think I am, some kind of a...
PUSS IN BOOTS enters.
PUSS
Ha-ha! Fear me, if you dare!
SHREK
Look! A little cat.
DONKEY
Look out, Shrek! He got a piece!
SHREK
It's a cat, Donkey. Come here,
little kitty, kitty. Come on, little
kitty. Come here.
PUSS scratches SHREK’s outstretched hand.
PUSS
Now, ye ogre, pray for mercy
from...Puss... in Boots!
SHREK
I'll kill that cat!
PUSS
Ah-ha-ha!
(coughs, wheezes, retches,
coughs, chuckles)
Hairball.
DONKEY
Oh! That is nasty!
23.
SHREK
What should we do with him?
DONKEY
Take the sword and neuter him.
PUSS
Oh, no! Por favor! Please! I implore
you! It was nothing personal, Señor.
I was doing it only for my family.
My mother, she is sick. And my
father lives off the garbage! The
King offered me much in gold and I
have a litter of brothers...
SHREK
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Fiona's father
paid you to do this?
PUSS
The rich King? Sí.
SHREK
Well, so much for Dad's royal
blessing.
DONKEY
Don't feel bad. Almost everybody
that meets you wants to kill you.
SHREK
Maybe Fiona would've been better off
if I were some sort of Prince
Charming.
PUSS
That's what the King said. Oh, uh...
sorry. I thought that question was
directed at me.
DONKEY
Shrek, Fiona knows you'd do anything
for her.
SHREK
Well, it's not like I wouldn't
change if I could. I just... I just
wish I could make her happy. Hold
the phone... "Happiness. Just a tear
drop away." Donkey! Think of the
saddest thing that's ever happened
to you!
DONKEY
24.
Aw, man, where do I begin? First
there was the time that old farmer
tried to sell me for some magic
beans. Then this fool had a party
and he have the guests trying to pin
the tail on me. Then they got drunk
and start beating me with a stick,
going "Piñata!!" What is a piñata,
anyway?
SHREK
No, Donkey! I need you to cry!
DONKEY
Don't go projecting on me. I know
you're feeling bad, but you got to
(Puss steps on his foot)
Aaaahhh! You little, hairy, litterlicking sack of...
KYLE enters with a cart.
KYLE
Fairy Godmother is away from desk or
with a client. But I can help you
with your ‘Happiness problems’
(yawns)
FAIRY GODMOTHER enters and Kyle stands up straight very
quickly.
FG
Kyle, I’ve been looking everywhere
for you! Why aren’t you
(notices SHREK)
What in Grimm's name are you doing
here?
SHREK
Well, um, it seems that Fiona's not
exactly happy.
FG
Oh-ho-ho! And there's some question
as to why that is? Well, let's
explore that, shall we?
Cinderella."Lived happily ever
after." No ogres! Snow White. A
handsome prince. Oh, no ogres.
Sleeping Beauty. No ogres! Hansel
and Gretel? No! Thumbelina? No. the
Little Mermaid, Pretty Woman...No,
no, no! You see, ogres don't live
happily ever after.
25.
SHREK
All right, look, lady!
FG
Don't you point...those dirty green
sausages at me!
KYLE opens the cart to get a soda and SHREK notices the
potions.
SHREK
Ah... that's okay. We’ll go. Very
sorry to have wasted your time, Miss
Godmother.
FG
I need a Monte Cristo Sandwich now.
You’ve got me all worked up.
(exits)
SHREK looks at KYLE, smiles, then knocks him out.