"A relationship is a commitment to doing the work of becoming a more thoughtful person."
-- The most daunting problem I’ve found in trying to understand how other persons view relationships is that information on the internet about growing and repairing relationships are geared towards romantic relationships when familial ties and camaraderie are the basis of most of the relationships in our lives. -
- Another issue is people just having thoughts about it at all. There are no definitions or personal boundaries. When I've asked persons about their thoughts on some of the things I've been trying to find my item definition for, I realize we've all been basing our social life on vibes, pop culture and whatever we lacked in our formative years. The alternative isn't better either, some who have thought about it have just swallowed some philosopher’s world-view. I have no heroes, so that approach doesn't gel with me. I want to create my own thoughts on this with my own reasoning. I don't want to do that from scratch and it would make no sense to throw away the thoughts that came before me in this venture. My thoughts are speaking on all relationships unless I specify romantic. I believe that romantic relationships should be an evolution of friendship. One cannot be a good partner without being a good friend to their partner. -
- This document is ongoing as I navigate my relationship with myself and others. It was started and (the bulk of it) written in 2023 to aid me in recovering from a break-up with a long-term partner. After the realizations that came with the dissolution of that relationship, I felt the need to define how I wanted to interact with others. I also thought about how I wanted to go about interacting with myself. I often hear that I’m too harsh with myself. -
- I've outlined a bunch of things for future me to check in with herself and keep us grounded without being a yam-head or the abusive farmer. The most important thing to note is that: - Relationships are unique and do not follow the same path. We all know that life likes to just throw us off the road for no reason. - Adaptability and consideration is absolutely key. - Communication is a given. - All relationships, including the one with self, require effort and intention to nurture it. -
- The most important part of a relationship for me is Consideration. This includes considering how my actions affect myself and other persons to: - reduce the chance of causing harm, - never intentionally causing harm, - considering myself enough to stay my own person - and to not lose a sense of self becoming codependent. -
- I hope to make myself proud by sticking to my values of being considerate and taking a stand, where necessary, to reduce harm in my circle of loved ones, then my wider community.
+ return (
+ <>
+
+ The most daunting problem I’ve found in trying to understand how other persons view relationships is that
+ information on the internet about growing and repairing relationships are geared towards romantic
+ relationships when familial ties and camaraderie are the basis of most of the relationships in our lives.
+
+ Another issue is people just having thought about it at all. There are no definitions or personal boundaries.
+ When I've asked persons about their thoughts on some of the things I've been trying to find my own personal
+ definitions for, I realize we've all been basing our social life on vibes, pop culture and whatever we lacked
+ in our formative years. The alternative isn't better either, some who have thought about it have just
+ swallowed some philosopher’s world-view. I have no heroes, so that approach doesn't gel with me. I want to
+ create my own thoughts on this with my own reasoning. I don't want to do that from scratch and it would make
+ no sense to throw away the thoughts that came before me in this venture. My thoughts are speaking on all
+ relationships unless I specify romantic. I believe that romantic relationships should be an evolution of
+ friendship. One cannot be a good partner without being a good friend to their partner.
+
+ This document is ongoing as I navigate my relationship with myself and others. It was started and (the bulk of
+ it) written in 2023 to aid me in recovering from a break-up with a long-term partner. After the realizations
+ that came with the dissolution of that relationship, I felt the need to define how I wanted to interact with
+ others. I also thought about how I wanted to go about interacting with myself. I often hear that I’m too harsh
+ with myself.
Learning to meet my own needs as set out in Maslow’s hierarchy. When I feel overwhelmed, this is the order on which I need to focus. I will lay out what my priorities should be in caring for myself, and I will abide by these priorities in times of crisis. Hopefully, I will also abide by these priorities in times of calm. Meditation has a history that goes back thousands of years, and many meditative techniques began in Eastern traditions. The term “meditation” refers to a variety of practices that focus on mind and body integration and are used to calm the mind and enhance overall well-being.
-
- Not to pollute the definition, but a date for me is an appointment. This is why I have solo dates, friend dates and romantic dates listed out as separate things.
-
- Historically, solo dates make me more excited than romantic dates, but less than friend dates. I also put more effort into solo dates as I'm less likely to flake on myself than someone is on me as well, as the whole purpose is to go out and feel good. This is different from just “going out” somewhere, which can be done at any time. The entire purpose is the intention of wooing myself behind it.
-
- Regular self-improvement is found under actualisation. This self-improvement is based on how I relate to other persons. I realise that a lot of us confuse limerance for love-bombing. For example, I used to say to my friends that I want a love-bombing situationship. No one wants that.
- I've always tried to give myself fully to be the person in relationships that someone can rely on. After learning about love-bombing, I wondered if I was a love-bomber, then after learning the definition of love-bombing, I don't feel like I qualify as a love-bomber. I don't intentionally withdraw affection. When I'm pissed off, I need space. I've always felt guilty about that. That's mainly because I have never, not once, had that space respected when it should have been. This leads to being ignored and that is withdrawn affection. I need to be communicative and to foster a partner's complete social circle to be their lighthouse instead of just me being a flashlight in the dark. In the past I have given unsolicited advice instead of being a sounding board. Sometimes a person just need someone to repeat that "this really sucks!" with me instead of trying to hand them half-baked generic solutions that they are already aware of and may not work for their context. This used to be a feature of conversation that I thankfully think I've turned off. How do I still have friends? I'm so thankful for my heartbeats. I didn't make time for community. I used to throw money at the problem instead. When I had nothing my community still supported me through it.
- I have not been good at this section. There is something that’s uniquely difficult about maintaining good relations with family members. Our first steps into emotional pain and some wounds in our pysche were likely caused by our family.
- I would also consider my friends my life partners. I'm now not sure where the delineation of a romantic partner would start from my definition of a friend. I could start with defining a friend first and stating a romantic partner as a friend with greater expectations set on them.
-
+ I've outlined a bunch of things for future me to check in with herself and keep us grounded without being a
+ yam-head or the abusive farmer. The most important thing to note is that:
Friendship, by contrast, is essentially a kind of _relationship grounded in a particular kind of special concern each has for the other as the person she is; and whereas we must make conceptual room for the idea of unrequited love, ==unrequited friendship is senseless.== Consequently, accounts of friendship tend to understand it not merely as a case of reciprocal love of some form (together with mutual acknowledgment of this love), but as essentially involving significant interactions between the friends—as being in this sense a certain kind of relationship. [^2] Does a friend really need to meet the above requirements? I don't think they do all the time. Maybe hit some periodically? It might depend on how close you have been. It would be easier for close friends who have been separated by time/distance to do maintenance mode friendships. I wouldn’t have friendships like that with someone I just met nor would I have the above expectations off the bat. I would let the other person dictate the expectations I should have of them. I’m noticing though that people tend to both be overfamiliar and refuse to reciprocate vulnerability. It’s like people want your whole story even if there is no material help, comfort or companionship happening through the trials or great times. I’m an open book, but it bothers me how needy, demanding and entitled new acquaintances can be.
- I reject that close friends cannot have an emotional bond similar to that of a romantic relationship. I accept that the partners of my friends will likely see facets of them that I never will and vice versa, but that can still ring true for any of my friends with any of their other friends. That's a fact of life and not a partnership thing. It may be that I cannot give the time investment into that person that a partner would. When I try to find an answer on where other persons draw the line of friendship vs partnership, it seems to be a case of sharing common future plans. It doesn't matter if a friend has a completely different life trajectory in mind, while a partner is expected (?) to be on a similar path. I'm not sure if I agree or disagree yet. It does seem like it would make things more simple if the partners are on a similar path. I need to explore the thought: a partner doesn't have a similar life path, but a synergistic path like someone who is traveling the world with a long-distance partner who really likes their space.
- The sense of excitement and physical attraction to a new flame is always wonderful. It feels like I have greater motivation to do anything when I get a crush. My crushes tend to be superficial. I like that my fleeting crushes highlight small romantic things about persons that I can remember them by. I hope that I never age out of crushes and that I continue to be considerate of any partners when having crushes.
+
+ The most important part of a relationship for me is Consideration. This includes considering how my actions
+ affect myself and other persons to: reduce the chance of causing harm, never intentionally causing harm,
+ considering myself enough to stay my own person and to not lose a sense of self becoming codependent.
+
+ I hope to make myself proud by sticking to my values of being considerate and taking a stand, where necessary,
+ to reduce harm in my circle of loved ones, then my wider community.
- I want it particularly noted that I don't believe in “right person, wrong time.” Life sucks. There's never going to be a right time, there's no guarantee that the person you knew this year is the same as they will be next year. Traumatic events are always happening. They force us to reconsider who we are and what we are willing to do. This is also why we should go slowly. A rushed relationship with no foundation will leave questions on where we stand where a strong relationship with have defined protocols for emergency events and how to deal with them will be more likely to survive.
- I want to go on a lot more dates: self-dates, friend-dates, and romantic dates. My understanding of the relationship escalator is that the process outline is what most couples expect in a relationship with time being what progresses the relationship. After learning about the non-escalator relationship, I realized this model is much better to detail conversations off the bat would be off the table to figure out incompatibilities that cannot be overlooked from early. In a relationship intake stage, I would go over the form on the following form [INSERT FORM HERE] Commitment is a dynamic and evolving aspect of a relationship. It requires ongoing effort, communication, and a shared understanding of each other's needs and expectations. The level and nature of commitment can vary among individuals and relationships. Not everyone may prioritize commitment in the same way. Open communication about expectations and a mutual agreement on the nature of commitment are key elements in a successful and fulfilling relationship. Also, it is important to stress that this section is useful for more than just romantic relationships. It involves a investment of feelings, trust, and mutual support. An enduring connection and dedication to one another.
- In a romantic relationship, it is about more than staying together; it’s about actively choosing each other every day, growing together, and nurturing the bond that connects us. It’s a dynamic process that evolves as we navigate life. Commitment (or decision) “refers, in the short-term, to the decision that one loves a certain other, and in the long-term, to one’s commitment to maintain that love” (Sternberg, 1997, p. 315).Introduction
+
+
+ A relationship is a commitment
+ With Self
- Meeting Needs
- Self-Regulation
- Meditation
- Solo Dating
- Self Improvement
- Toxic Traits
- Love bombing?
-
-
- Love Bombing is a manipulative and intense behavior often observed in the early stages of a relationship, characterized by the excessive and overwhelming expression of affection, attention, and positive reinforcement by one person towards another. The love bomber employs extravagant gestures, constant communication, and declarations of deep emotional attachment with the intention of creating a heightened sense of euphoria and dependency in the recipient. While on the surface, it may appear as genuine affection, love bombing is often a tactic employed by individuals with ulterior motives, such as establishing control, masking negative qualities, or manipulating the other person emotionally. It can lead to an imbalanced power dynamic and, in some cases, be indicative of toxic relationship patterns.
- Unsolicited Advice
- Devil's Advocacy
- Being Flaky
- With Family
- With Friends
-
- Dictionary Definitions of Friend:
- from The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, 5th Edition.
- A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
- A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
- from The Century Dictionary.
- One who is attached to another by feelings of personal regard and preference; one who entertains for another sentiments which lead him to seek his company and to study to promote his welfare.
- One not hostile; one of the same nation, party, or kin; one at amity with another; an ally: opposed to _foe_ or _enemy._
- A lover, of either sex.
- One who entertains for another such sentiments of esteem, respect, and affection that he seeks his society and welfare; a wellwisher; an intimate associate; sometimes, an attendant.
-
- I sought out dictionary definitions, but those were inadequate with too wide a range. Now, I seek out the etymology of Friendship. The sense that I am getting is that the definition of a friend is something personal.
-
- The linguistic root of the word friend
- Old English freond "one attached to another by feelings of personal regard and preference," from Proto-Germanic *frijōjands "lover, friend" (source also of Old Norse frændi, Old Danish frynt, Old Frisian friund, Dutch vriend, Middle High German friunt, German Freund, Gothic frijonds "friend"), from PIE *priy-ont-, "loving," present-participle form of root [*pri-](https://www.etymonline.com/word/*pri- "Etymology, meaning and definition of *pri- ") "to love."
-
- I found it adorable that both 'friendship' and 'free' came from root of 'Love'. However, this brings me no closer to my own definition for a friend. I asked my close friends for their personal definitions, but it was not something they had rigidly defined for themselves outside of people they care about and like to be around.
+
+
- Healthy friendships have a balance of giving and taking:
-
- Emotional Bonds
- A Common Future
- With Romantic Interests
-
+ Important to remember in this stage:
-
- Non Escalator Relationships
- Dating
-
-
-
- Partnership
-
-
-
+
+
- A partner is someone who truly shares my life. We can have fun together every day even doing the most mundane chores. We see each other through the good days and the bad, and in doing so, we foster huge amounts of trust and understanding. And when you have someone who you really trust who just gets you in the bedroom? Oh man, it’s insane. [^5] -
-+ I have not been good at this section. There is something that’s uniquely difficult about maintaining good relations with family members. Our first steps into emotional pain and some wounds in our pysche were likely caused by our family. +
I would also consider my friends my life partners. I'm now not sure where the delineation of a romantic partner would start from my definition of a friend. I could start with defining a friend first and stating a romantic partner as a friend with greater expectations set on them.
+
+ Dictionary Definitions of Friend:
+ from The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, 5th Edition.
+ A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
+ A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
+ from The Century Dictionary.
+ One who is attached to another by feelings of personal regard and preference; one who entertains for another sentiments which lead him to seek his company and to study to promote his welfare.
+ One not hostile; one of the same nation, party, or kin; one at amity with another; an ally: opposed to _foe_ or _enemy._
+ A lover, of either sex.
+ One who entertains for another such sentiments of esteem, respect, and affection that he seeks his society and welfare; a wellwisher; an intimate associate; sometimes, an attendant.
+
+ I sought out dictionary definitions, but those were inadequate with too wide a range. Now, I seek out the etymology of Friendship. The sense that I am getting is that the definition of a friend is something personal.
+
+ The linguistic root of the word friend
+ Old English freond "one attached to another by feelings of personal regard and preference," from Proto-Germanic *frijōjands "lover, friend" (source also of Old Norse frændi, Old Danish frynt, Old Frisian friund, Dutch vriend, Middle High German friunt, German Freund, Gothic frijonds "friend"), from PIE *priy-ont-, "loving," present-participle form of root [*pri-](https://www.etymonline.com/word/*pri- "Etymology, meaning and definition of *pri- ") "to love."
+
+ I found it adorable that both 'friendship' and 'free' came from root of 'Love'. However, this brings me no closer to my own definition for a friend. I asked my close friends for their personal definitions, but it was not something they had rigidly defined for themselves outside of people they care about and like to be around.
+
Friendship, by contrast, is essentially a kind of _relationship grounded in a particular kind of special concern each has for the other as the person she is; and whereas we must make conceptual room for the idea of unrequited love, ==unrequited friendship is senseless.== Consequently, accounts of friendship tend to understand it not merely as a case of reciprocal love of some form (together with mutual acknowledgment of this love), but as essentially involving significant interactions between the friends—as being in this sense a certain kind of relationship. [^2]
+Does a friend really need to meet the above requirements? I don't think they do all the time. Maybe hit some periodically? It might depend on how close you have been. It would be easier for close friends who have been separated by time/distance to do maintenance mode friendships. I wouldn’t have friendships like that with someone I just met nor would I have the above expectations off the bat. I would let the other person dictate the expectations I should have of them.
+I’m noticing though that people tend to both be overfamiliar and refuse to reciprocate vulnerability. It’s like people want your whole story even if there is no material help, comfort or companionship happening through the trials or great times. I’m an open book, but it bothers me how needy, demanding and entitled new acquaintances can be. +
+I reject that close friends cannot have an emotional bond similar to that of a romantic relationship. I accept that the partners of my friends will likely see facets of them that I never will and vice versa, but that can still ring true for any of my friends with any of their other friends. That's a fact of life and not a partnership thing. It may be that I cannot give the time investment into that person that a partner would.
+When I try to find an answer on where other persons draw the line of friendship vs partnership, it seems to be a case of sharing common future plans. It doesn't matter if a friend has a completely different life trajectory in mind, while a partner is expected (?) to be on a similar path. I'm not sure if I agree or disagree yet. It does seem like it would make things more simple if the partners are on a similar path.
+I need to explore the thought: a partner doesn't have a similar life path, but a synergistic path like someone who is traveling the world with a long-distance partner who really likes their space.
++ The sense of excitement and physical attraction to a new flame is always wonderful. It feels like I have greater motivation to do anything when I get a crush. My crushes tend to be superficial. I like that my fleeting crushes highlight small romantic things about persons that I can remember them by. I hope that I never age out of crushes and that I continue to be considerate of any partners when having crushes. +
++ I want it particularly noted that I don't believe in “right person, wrong time.” Life sucks. There's never going to be a right time, there's no guarantee that the person you knew this year is the same as they will be next year. Traumatic events are always happening. They force us to reconsider who we are and what we are willing to do. This is also why we should go slowly. A rushed relationship with no foundation will leave questions on where we stand where a strong relationship with have defined protocols for emergency events and how to deal with them will be more likely to survive. +
+I want to go on a lot more dates: self-dates, friend-dates, and romantic dates.
+My understanding of the relationship escalator is that the process outline is what most couples expect in a relationship with time being what progresses the relationship. After learning about the non-escalator relationship, I realized this model is much better to detail conversations off the bat would be off the table to figure out incompatibilities that cannot be overlooked from early.
+In a relationship intake stage, I would go over the form on the following form [INSERT FORM HERE]
+Commitment is a dynamic and evolving aspect of a relationship. It requires ongoing effort, communication, and a shared understanding of each other's needs and expectations. The level and nature of commitment can vary among individuals and relationships. Not everyone may prioritize commitment in the same way. Open communication about expectations and a mutual agreement on the nature of commitment are key elements in a successful and fulfilling relationship. Also, it is important to stress that this section is useful for more than just romantic relationships. It involves a investment of feelings, trust, and mutual support. An enduring connection and dedication to one another. +
+In a romantic relationship, it is about more than staying together; it’s about actively choosing each other every day, growing together, and nurturing the bond that connects us. It’s a dynamic process that evolves as we navigate life.
+Commitment (or decision) “refers, in the short-term, to the decision that one loves a certain other, and in the long-term, to one’s commitment to maintain that love” (Sternberg, 1997, p. 315).
++ A partner is someone who truly shares my life. We can have fun together every day even doing the most mundane chores. We see each other through the good days and the bad, and in doing so, we foster huge amounts of trust and understanding. And when you have someone who you really trust who just gets you in the bedroom? Oh man, it’s insane. [^5] +
+Learning to meet my own needs as set out in Maslow’s hierarchy. When I feel overwhelmed, this is the order on which I need to focus. I will lay out what my priorities should be in caring for myself, and I will abide by these priorities in times of crisis. Hopefully, I will also abide by these priorities in times of calm.
+Meditation has a history that goes back thousands of years, and many meditative techniques began in Eastern traditions. The term “meditation” refers to a variety of practices that focus on mind and body integration and are used to calm the mind and enhance overall well-being. + +
+Not to pollute the definition, but a date for me is an appointment. This is why I have solo dates, friend dates and romantic dates listed out as separate things. + + Historically, solo dates make me more excited than romantic dates, but less than friend dates. I also put more effort into solo dates as I'm less likely to flake on myself than someone is on me as well, as the whole purpose is to go out and feel good. This is different from just “going out” somewhere, which can be done at any time. The entire purpose is the intention of wooing myself behind it. + +
+Regular self-improvement is found under actualisation. This self-improvement is based on how I relate to other persons.
+I realise that a lot of us confuse limerance for love-bombing. For example, I used to say to my friends that I want a love-bombing situationship. No one wants that.
+ I've always tried to give myself fully to be the person in relationships that someone can rely on. After learning about love-bombing, I wondered if I was a love-bomber, then after learning the definition of love-bombing, I don't feel like I qualify as a love-bomber. I don't intentionally withdraw affection. When I'm pissed off, I need space. I've always felt guilty about that. That's mainly because I have never, not once, had that space respected when it should have been. This leads to being ignored and that is withdrawn affection. I need to be communicative and to foster a partner's complete social circle to be their lighthouse instead of just me being a flashlight in the dark.
+
+ Love Bombing is a manipulative and intense behavior often observed in the early stages of a relationship, characterized by the excessive and overwhelming expression of affection, attention, and positive reinforcement by one person towards another. The love bomber employs extravagant gestures, constant communication, and declarations of deep emotional attachment with the intention of creating a heightened sense of euphoria and dependency in the recipient. While on the surface, it may appear as genuine affection, love bombing is often a tactic employed by individuals with ulterior motives, such as establishing control, masking negative qualities, or manipulating the other person emotionally. It can lead to an imbalanced power dynamic and, in some cases, be indicative of toxic relationship patterns.
+
In the past I have given unsolicited advice instead of being a sounding board. Sometimes a person just need someone to repeat that "this really sucks!" with me instead of trying to hand them half-baked generic solutions that they are already aware of and may not work for their context.
+This used to be a feature of conversation that I thankfully think I've turned off.
+How do I still have friends? I'm so thankful for my heartbeats. I didn't make time for community. I used to throw money at the problem instead. When I had nothing my community still supported me through it.
+ +