diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/Clinton.ges b/ai/learn/clinton/Clinton.ges new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f66dddf --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/Clinton.ges @@ -0,0 +1,393 @@ + A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and his mother told him to pray +to God for it. He prayed and prayed but for two weeks nothing happened. Then +he decided that perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the $100.00. + When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God they +opened it, read it, and decided to send it to the President. + The President was so touched and aroused that he instructed his +secretary to send the little boy a check for $5.00. The President thought +this would appear to be a lot of money for a little boy. + The little boy was very delighted upon receiving the $5.00 and +immediately sat down to write a thank you letter to God which went as +follows: + "Dear God: thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that +you had to send it through Washington. As usual, those bastards deducted 95 +percent." + + +Q: Do you know why Hillary wears turtle-neck shirts? +A: So you can't see her adams-apple move when Bill talks! + +Q: Do you know how Bill and Hillary first met? +A: They were both dating the same girl! + +A directive was issued the other day banning mini-skirts from the White +House. It seems some members of the press were offended because they could +see Hillary's balls! + +I hear Bill was seen walking a dog recently. When asked by a secret service +agent, he said he got it for Hillary. When Bill asked what the agent thought +about it, the agent said, "Good trade, Sir!" + + +Q: Do you know why Hillary wears turtle-neck shirts? +A: So you can't see her adams-apple move when Bill talks! + +Q: Do you know how Bill and Hillary first met? +A: They were both dating the same girl! + +A directive was issued the other day banning mini-skirts from the White +House. It seems some members of the press were offended because they could +see Hillary's balls! + +I hear Bill was seen walking a dog recently. When asked by a secret service +agent, he said he got it for Hillary. When Bill asked what the agent thought +about it, the agent said, "Good trade, Sir!" + +At a doctor's convention in Switzerland, a conversation was taking place in a +tavern after an enthusiastic mid-day lecture. + +A Jewish doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a + United States, and God said you are welcomed to heaven. + He then look at Bill Clinton and said who are you? + Bill Clinton replied I am the President of the United States. + And God said you are welcomed to Heaven. + He then turned to Hillary Clinton and said who are you? + Hillary Clinton said I am the First Lady AND I THINK YOU ARE IN MY SEAT!!! + +Sb: Bumper Sticker Sighting + + Don't blame me -- I voted for Bush + + Impeach the President...& Her HUSBAND too + + At least Gennifer got kissed! + + Politically incorrect..and proud of it + + Vote Democrat--Its easier than finding a job + + Just say NO to H. Rodham Clinton + + If you voted for Clinton - You must have inhaled + + They are also selling Slick Willie golf balls - A good lie guaranteed + every time! + +In Bill Clinton's army, the men will have zippers on the back of their pants. +Just thought you'd like to know. + + +Not to mention that Santa is a known abuser of little critters; do you know +how the little angel got on top of the tree? It was Xmas eve & Santa was +pulling his hair out; Donner & Blitzen were in heat & were kicking out their +stalls, the elves had been organized by the AFL/CIO & were demanding higher +wages, Ms Claus was bitching because Santa was spending another holiday on +the road & the auto pilot in the sleigh was broke & the technician was +demanding double time cause of the holiday. Suddenly the door of the workshop +burst open & in came this little angel dragging this big tree; she shouted: +"Santa! Santa! Where should I stick this tree?". + +>>>>>>>>> +Politicians are not like hookers! + +(a) Hookers give value for your money. + +(b) Clients do it to the hookers, while politicians do it to their clients. + >>>>>>>>>>>>>> + +. . +First Bother Roger Clinton, not being as bright, ambitious, or slick as +Willie, was having a hard time picking up babes. But one night he thought he +was really scoring points with a hot blonde in a bar. He figures it's about +time to move things on to matters of a more penetrating nature and says "Hey +honey, how about the two of us cruise over to your place?" she says "Sorry I +can't. I'm on my menstrual cycle" Roger says "That's OK. I'll follow you on +my Harley!" + +Did you hear about Hillary Clinton? Last week she was visiting a hospital +when she was led into a ward. She entered one room and came upon a man +masturbating. She said "What is going on here?" The doctor with her said +"This man has a disease and this is all we can do to ease his symptoms." + Hillary was perplexed but accepted it and went into the next room. In the +next room she came upon a nurse performing oral sex on a man. She said "Now +what is going on here?" The doctor with her said "This man has a disease and +this is all we can do to ease his symptoms." Hillary then asked "What is the +difference between this man and the man in the last room?" The doctor +replied "This man here has health insurance!" + + The first requirement of all effective communication in a society is +a common agreement on the definition of words and terms. + The easiest way to lie, mis-lead, or otherwise deceive those with +whom one communicates is to use words, phrases, or terms that have different +meanings to each of the parties. Those individuals that are trying to +resolve differences or convey concepts are BOTH the "deceived" and the +"deceiver" when this happens. ALL parties ( speakers or listeners; elected +officials or voters) subject to the exchange of ideas suffer when there are +no STANDARDS! + + Examples: + "Taxes" = "Contributions" + "Spending" = "Investment" + "Millionaire = "..One who has X amount of Income" + "Teen-agers" = "..unemployed individuals who are under 30" + "Deficit" = "Debt" + "Spending Cuts" = "..Reduction in `planned' spending" + "Mandate" = "..one vote over a `simple majority' " + "Standards" = "..the most RECENT `consensus' of a `people' or group" + + +Q: What is the difference between Hillary Rodham Clinton and the Panama + Canal? +A: The Panama Canal is a busy ditch + +Q Have you heard that Bill Clinton was a test-tube baby? +A: He wasn't worth a f#ck back then either. + +Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and a snake? +A: One is spineless, has a forked tongue and is a threat to humans. The + other is a reptile! + + +Bill and AlGore were sitting in the oval office late one night and Bill got +up from his chair and declared, "Well AlGore, I really feel like going up +stairs and tearing off Hillary's panties!" + --- +Al replied, "A little horny tonight Bill?" +--- +Bill said, "NO, these panties are cutting me in two." + + +Hillary and Bill are dining out at a nice restaurant and are ready to order. +The waiter comes up: "What will you have Mrs. Clinton?" +"I'll have the steak and a twice-baked potato," she replies. +"And what would you like for your vegetable?" the waiter asks. +"Oh, he'll have the same," she says. + + +Q: What is the real reason Chelsea didn't accompany Hillary on "Take Our +Daughters To Work Day"? +--- +A: Hillary's broom isn't a two-seater. + +They moved apart as Bill lit his cigar, then Hillary snuggled close to him +and +pulled the bedsheets up around their chins. +--- +"Darling," she cooed, "how many were there before me?" +--- +After a few minutes of silence, she said with a slight pout, +"Well, I'm still waiting!" +--- +"Well," Bill replied puffing thoughtfully, +"I'm still counting." + +While traveling with his family in Air Force 1; Bill suddenly gets a bright +idea. Turning to Hilary, he says: "Why don't you throw a $10 bill out of +the window and make someone very happy today?" + +Brightening up, Hilary says: "I've got a better idea! Why don't I throw 2 +$5s out the window and make 2 people happy?" + +Little Chealsey pipes up with: "Why don't we just throw out 10 $1 bills and +then we'll make 10 people happy" + +The helpful pilot then turned and made his suggestion: "Why don't the three +of you throw each other out the window, and make the whole darned Nation +happy?" + +What do you get when you have Bill Clinton, ALLLLLgore, and Dolly Parton? + Two Boobs and a great pair of breasts! + + The other day at a press conference, some reporter (an ACT-UP guy +that's mad that Bill hasn't cured AIDS yet, no doubt) threw a beer at the +president. + Don't worry, though- it was a draft, and he dodged it. + +Bill and Hilary went to the first baseball game of the season. The home team +owner walked up and began whispering in Bill's ear. When he finished, Bill +turned and grabbed Hilary and through her out onto the field. + The owner said, "Bill, I asked you if you wanted to throw the first PITCH." + +(1) While jogging one day, 3 young boys rescued Willie from muggers. +Wanting to thank them Willie asks each what he would like as a reward for +bravery. + +The first said: "I'd like to go to the Naval Academy." +"No problem," said Willie, "I can get you into Annapolis." + +The second asked: "Can I have a job as a Summer Intern at the White House?" +"Sure you can, I can arrange that." said Willie. + +When Willie asked the third what he wanted, he was shocked to hear: "I want a +grave site at Arlington National Cemetary." +"I can do that," said Willie, "but why do you want a grave at Arlington?" + +The third boy responded: "Because, when I get home and my father finds out +that I saved your life, he'll kill me!" + +Question: What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? +Answer: "I'll be home soon, Honey." + +Jim: Hillary & Bill are on a bus trip (trying desparately to "market" their +economic game play).... At a truck stop in rural Georgia, they were fueling +the bus when the attendant looked in and said: "Hillary, remember me ? " +Hillary made small talk with the attendant and told Bill they had da ted in +High School. Bill said: "See, honey, aren't you glad you married me.....you +might be helping that attendant back there if you didn't". + To which Hillary replied: "No Bill, if I had married him, HE would be +president nowj". + + +Just after returning from Japan, President Bill Clinton was furious to +discover the White House was infested with mice (once again, Clinton pointed +his finger at Regan and Bush) . After working very diligently on the problem +for several minutesPresident Clinton realized he didn't have a clue as to +how to get rid of the mice.-- So as usual, he turned to Hillary for advice. + +After hearing the problem Hillary said: "Why that's easy "Willy", Just get +some Ground Up Glass and pour it into their holes. It always worked back in +Arkansas." + +"Well" said the president, "It certainly sounds like it would work, But... +Tell Me Hillary,....Who Holds The Mice???" + +I have another joke like that for ya. A chemist, an engineer, and an +economist are shipwrecked on a desert island. All the food they have is a +can of beans, but they have no can opener. The chemist says, "All we need do +is wait. The can will eventually oxidize, and therefore will be open." + +The engineer says, " Let's build a fire. The internal pressure of the can +will rise with the heat until it bursts." + +The economist says, "First, assume a can opener...." + +It seems a man went into a bar, and saw Komrade Klinton on the tv and made a +rather disgusting remark about the president's being a real horse's @@@. +Almost immediately he was soundly decked by one of the other customers. Upon +getting the cobwebs out of his brain, he remarked, "Gee, this must be real +Clinton country around here." "No," came the reply, "this is horse country." + +What is 15 inches long and hangs down directly in front of a horse's a**? +Bill Clinton's necktie +***************************** +Have you heard that Bill Clinton is going to star in a new Fall TV Show? +America's Least Wanted +***************************** +Bill Clinton-looks great:Less Filling-99% contents free +***************************** +The secret service has orders that if Bill Clinton gets shot they are +to shoot Algore. +***************************** +There is a new sandwich in a D.C. restaurant named after Clinton: +Its half chicken and half turkey +***************************** +Why does a chicken go to Moscow? +Avoid being drafted +***************************** +Many Americans think that Bill Clinton's purpose is to provide jokes for Rush +Limbaugh, Jay Leno, and David Letterman and frankly, many Americans would +sleep better believing that to be true. +***************************** +Regarding his economic policy Clinton said "We are ready for any unforseen +event that may or may not occur and don't forget, if we don't succeed, we run +the risk of failure" +***************************** +What did Hilliary say to Bill on their wedding night? +- You're no Jack Kennedy +***************************** + + +Q: What do you call a Democrat in DC who doesn't womanize? +A: Barney Frank + +Q: Did you know that Clinton is responsible for the midwest floods? + A: Yes, when he left the midwest for D.C., he brought all the dikes with + him. + + +What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda? +Jane Fonda went to Vietnam. + + +RE: It seems out of place to me, in a supposedly free society where +_alcohol_, _tobacco_, and _firearms_ are all legal, that our government +creates a para-military force to deal with these items. + + +Which reminds me, "if a couple from Arkansas gets divorced, are they still +brother and sister?" + +There are three new watches on the market: +The George Bush Watch. + Has no hands. You must Read its Lips.....................29.95 plus tax +The Ross Perot Watch + Runs for awhile, stops. Runs for awhile, stops...........19.95 plus tax + The Bill Clinton Watch + Has two faces............................................9.95 plus tax... + plus tax... + plus tax... + plus tax... + + + Hillary Clinton ends up on an elevator,alone, with Rush Limbaugh. She stops +the elevator between floors, & says to him "Rush ,make me a real woman" as +she removes her clothes. Rush takes off his clothes, and handing them to her, +says " please fold mine neatly too" !! + + +<> + +Here's a variation on that one -- + +Q: Do you know how to go out of business? + +A: Own a small business and then waith for the Clinton Health Plan to take +effect. + + +For what it's worth, here's another Billary joke: +Did you hear that Bill is in trouble with the IRS? He lied on his 1040. +He listed himself as "Head of Household!" + + +Hillary's Medical +Dictionary +ARTERY.............The study of painting +BACTERIA...........The back door of a cafeteria +BARIUM.............What doctors do when patients die +BOWEL..............A letter; like a,e,i,o,u +CESAREAN SECTION...A neighborhood in Rome +CAT SCAN...........Searching for kitty +CAUTERIZE..........Made eye contact with her +COLIC..............A sheep dog +D & C..............Where Washing is +DILATE.............To live long +ENEMA..............Not a friend +FESTER.............Quicker +GENITAL............Not a Jew +G.I. SERIES........Soldier ball game +HANGNAIL...........Coathook +IMPOTENT...........Distinguished; well-known +LABOR PAIN.........Getting hurt at work +MEDICAL STAFF......A doctor's cane +MORBID.............Higher offer +NITRATES...........Cheaper than day rates +NODE...............Was aware of +OUTPATIENT.........A person who fainted +PAP SMEAR..........A fatherhood test +PELVIS.............A cousin to Elvis +POSTOPERATIVE......A letter carrier +RECOVERY ROOM......A place to do upholstery +RECTUM.............Dang near killed 'em! +SEIZURE............A Roman emperor +TABLET.............A small table +TERMINAL ILLNESS...Getting sick at the airport +TUMOR..............More than one +URINE..............Belongs to you +VARICOSE...........Nearby +VEIN...............Conceited + + diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton1.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton1.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5e7ad1f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton1.txt @@ -0,0 +1,14 @@ + A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and his mother told him to pray +to God for it. He prayed and prayed but for two weeks nothing happened. Then +he decided that perhaps he should write God a letter requesting the $100.00. + When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God they +opened it, read it, and decided to send it to the President. + The President was so touched and aroused that he instructed his +secretary to send the little boy a check for $5.00. The President thought +this would appear to be a lot of money for a little boy. + The little boy was very delighted upon receiving the $5.00 and +immediately sat down to write a thank you letter to God which went as +follows: + "Dear God: thank you very much for sending me the money. I noticed that +you had to send it through Washington. As usual, those bastards deducted 95 +percent." diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton10.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton10.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..340c258 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +A directive was issued the other day banning mini-skirts from the White +House. It seems some members of the press were offended because they could +see Hillary's balls! diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton11.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton11.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..abf6db7 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton11.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +I hear Bill was seen walking a dog recently. When asked by a secret service +agent, he said he got it for Hillary. When Bill asked what the agent thought +about it, the agent said, "Good trade, Sir!" diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton12.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton12.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..571b20d --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton12.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +At a doctor's convention in Switzerland, a conversation was taking place in a +tavern after an enthusiastic mid-day lecture. diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton14.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton14.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e33779d --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton14.txt @@ -0,0 +1,18 @@ +Sb: Bumper Sticker Sighting + + Don't blame me -- I voted for Bush + + Impeach the President...& Her HUSBAND too + + At least Gennifer got kissed! + + Politically incorrect..and proud of it + + Vote Democrat--Its easier than finding a job + + Just say NO to H. Rodham Clinton + + If you voted for Clinton - You must have inhaled + + They are also selling Slick Willie golf balls - A good lie guaranteed + every time! diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton15.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton15.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..3536d6d --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton15.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +In Bill Clinton's army, the men will have zippers on the back of their pants. +Just thought you'd like to know. diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton17.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton17.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..580b53d --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton17.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ +Not to mention that Santa is a known abuser of little critters; do you know +how the little angel got on top of the tree? It was Xmas eve & Santa was +pulling his hair out; Donner & Blitzen were in heat & were kicking out their +stalls, the elves had been organized by the AFL/CIO & were demanding higher +wages, Ms Claus was bitching because Santa was spending another holiday on +the road & the auto pilot in the sleigh was broke & the technician was +demanding double time cause of the holiday. Suddenly the door of the workshop +burst open & in came this little angel dragging this big tree; she shouted: +"Santa! Santa! Where should I stick this tree?". diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton18.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton18.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b91417f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton18.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +>>>>>>>>> +Politicians are not like hookers! + +(a) Hookers give value for your money. + +(b) Clients do it to the hookers, while politicians do it to their clients. + >>>>>>>>>>>>>> diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton19.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton19.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..cf6c4f3 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton19.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ +. . +First Bother Roger Clinton, not being as bright, ambitious, or slick as +Willie, was having a hard time picking up babes. But one night he thought he +was really scoring points with a hot blonde in a bar. He figures it's about +time to move things on to matters of a more penetrating nature and says "Hey +honey, how about the two of us cruise over to your place?" she says "Sorry I +can't. I'm on my menstrual cycle" Roger says "That's OK. I'll follow you on +my Harley!" diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton20.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton20.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9078adf --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton20.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ +Did you hear about Hillary Clinton? Last week she was visiting a hospital +when she was led into a ward. She entered one room and came upon a man +masturbating. She said "What is going on here?" The doctor with her said +"This man has a disease and this is all we can do to ease his symptoms." + Hillary was perplexed but accepted it and went into the next room. In the +next room she came upon a nurse performing oral sex on a man. She said "Now +what is going on here?" The doctor with her said "This man has a disease and +this is all we can do to ease his symptoms." Hillary then asked "What is the +difference between this man and the man in the last room?" The doctor +replied "This man here has health insurance!" diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton21.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton21.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0f09e50 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton21.txt @@ -0,0 +1,19 @@ + The first requirement of all effective communication in a society is +a common agreement on the definition of words and terms. + The easiest way to lie, mis-lead, or otherwise deceive those with +whom one communicates is to use words, phrases, or terms that have different +meanings to each of the parties. Those individuals that are trying to +resolve differences or convey concepts are BOTH the "deceived" and the +"deceiver" when this happens. ALL parties ( speakers or listeners; elected +officials or voters) subject to the exchange of ideas suffer when there are +no STANDARDS! + + Examples: + "Taxes" = "Contributions" + "Spending" = "Investment" + "Millionaire = "..One who has X amount of Income" + "Teen-agers" = "..unemployed individuals who are under 30" + "Deficit" = "Debt" + "Spending Cuts" = "..Reduction in `planned' spending" + "Mandate" = "..one vote over a `simple majority' " + "Standards" = "..the most RECENT `consensus' of a `people' or group" diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton24.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton24.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1765de0 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton24.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Q Have you heard that Bill Clinton was a test-tube baby? +A: He wasn't worth a f#ck back then either. diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton25.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton25.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..404dbd7 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton25.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +Q: What is the difference between Bill Clinton and a snake? +A: One is spineless, has a forked tongue and is a threat to humans. The + other is a reptile! diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton27.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton27.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0c86a59 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton27.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +Bill and AlGore were sitting in the oval office late one night and Bill got +up from his chair and declared, "Well AlGore, I really feel like going up +stairs and tearing off Hillary's panties!" + --- +Al replied, "A little horny tonight Bill?" +--- +Bill said, "NO, these panties are cutting me in two." diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton29.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton29.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c9a7046 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton29.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +Hillary and Bill are dining out at a nice restaurant and are ready to order. +The waiter comes up: "What will you have Mrs. Clinton?" +"I'll have the steak and a twice-baked potato," she replies. +"And what would you like for your vegetable?" the waiter asks. +"Oh, he'll have the same," she says. diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton31.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton31.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b249b2c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton31.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +Q: What is the real reason Chelsea didn't accompany Hillary on "Take Our +Daughters To Work Day"? +--- +A: Hillary's broom isn't a two-seater. diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton32.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton32.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..cb5039d --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton32.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +They moved apart as Bill lit his cigar, then Hillary snuggled close to him +and +pulled the bedsheets up around their chins. +--- +"Darling," she cooed, "how many were there before me?" +--- +After a few minutes of silence, she said with a slight pout, +"Well, I'm still waiting!" +--- +"Well," Bill replied puffing thoughtfully, +"I'm still counting." diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton34.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton34.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1d7b35c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton34.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Brightening up, Hilary says: "I've got a better idea! Why don't I throw 2 +$5s out the window and make 2 people happy?" diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton35.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton35.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..273fbe5 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton35.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Little Chealsey pipes up with: "Why don't we just throw out 10 $1 bills and +then we'll make 10 people happy" diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton36.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton36.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..cbcfe9f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton36.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +The helpful pilot then turned and made his suggestion: "Why don't the three +of you throw each other out the window, and make the whole darned Nation +happy?" diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton37.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton37.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..177d62a --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton37.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +What do you get when you have Bill Clinton, ALLLLLgore, and Dolly Parton? + Two Boobs and a great pair of breasts! diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton38.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton38.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c336d33 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton38.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + The other day at a press conference, some reporter (an ACT-UP guy +that's mad that Bill hasn't cured AIDS yet, no doubt) threw a beer at the +president. + Don't worry, though- it was a draft, and he dodged it. diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton39.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton39.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c2cd7b9 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton39.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +Bill and Hilary went to the first baseball game of the season. The home team +owner walked up and began whispering in Bill's ear. When he finished, Bill +turned and grabbed Hilary and through her out onto the field. + The owner said, "Bill, I asked you if you wanted to throw the first PITCH." diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton4.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton4.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d12d1d3 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton4.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Q: Do you know how Bill and Hillary first met? +A: They were both dating the same girl! diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton40.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton40.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..66240f2 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton40.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +(1) While jogging one day, 3 young boys rescued Willie from muggers. +Wanting to thank them Willie asks each what he would like as a reward for +bravery. diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton41.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton41.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..631c4df --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton41.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +The first said: "I'd like to go to the Naval Academy." +"No problem," said Willie, "I can get you into Annapolis." diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton42.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton42.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..6541ca9 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton42.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +The second asked: "Can I have a job as a Summer Intern at the White House?" +"Sure you can, I can arrange that." said Willie. diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton44.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton44.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..68c1670 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton44.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +The third boy responded: "Because, when I get home and my father finds out +that I saved your life, he'll kill me!" diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton45.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton45.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b754267 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton45.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Question: What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? +Answer: "I'll be home soon, Honey." diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton46.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton46.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e249b04 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton46.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ +Jim: Hillary & Bill are on a bus trip (trying desparately to "market" their +economic game play).... At a truck stop in rural Georgia, they were fueling +the bus when the attendant looked in and said: "Hillary, remember me ? " +Hillary made small talk with the attendant and told Bill they had da ted in +High School. Bill said: "See, honey, aren't you glad you married me.....you +might be helping that attendant back there if you didn't". + To which Hillary replied: "No Bill, if I had married him, HE would be +president nowj". diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton48.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton48.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b2e75b2 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton48.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +Just after returning from Japan, President Bill Clinton was furious to +discover the White House was infested with mice (once again, Clinton pointed +his finger at Regan and Bush) . After working very diligently on the problem +for several minutesPresident Clinton realized he didn't have a clue as to +how to get rid of the mice.-- So as usual, he turned to Hillary for advice. diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton49.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton49.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..99e68d1 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton49.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +After hearing the problem Hillary said: "Why that's easy "Willy", Just get +some Ground Up Glass and pour it into their holes. It always worked back in +Arkansas." diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton5.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton5.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..340c258 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton5.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +A directive was issued the other day banning mini-skirts from the White +House. It seems some members of the press were offended because they could +see Hillary's balls! diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton50.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton50.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..ee5b1e4 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton50.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +"Well" said the president, "It certainly sounds like it would work, But... +Tell Me Hillary,....Who Holds The Mice???" + +I have another joke like that for ya. A chemist, an engineer, and an +economist are shipwrecked on a desert island. All the food they have is a +can of beans, but they have no can opener. The chemist says, "All we need do +is wait. The can will eventually oxidize, and therefore will be open." diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton51.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton51.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..cc8733f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton51.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +The engineer says, " Let's build a fire. The internal pressure of the can +will rise with the heat until it bursts." diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton52.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton52.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..807549e --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton52.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +The economist says, "First, assume a can opener...." diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton54.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton54.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..3b14e22 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton54.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Have you heard that Bill Clinton is going to star in a new Fall TV Show? +America's Least Wanted diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton55.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton55.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d196ae8 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton55.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Bill Clinton-looks great:Less Filling-99% contents free diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton56.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton56.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c4c7a82 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton56.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +The secret service has orders that if Bill Clinton gets shot they are +to shoot Algore. diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton57.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton57.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a02aaad --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton57.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +There is a new sandwich in a D.C. restaurant named after Clinton: +Its half chicken and half turkey diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton58.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton58.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..75e21aa --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton58.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Why does a chicken go to Moscow? +Avoid being drafted diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton59.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton59.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1e4693b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton59.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +Many Americans think that Bill Clinton's purpose is to provide jokes for Rush +Limbaugh, Jay Leno, and David Letterman and frankly, many Americans would +sleep better believing that to be true. diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton6.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton6.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..abf6db7 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton6.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +I hear Bill was seen walking a dog recently. When asked by a secret service +agent, he said he got it for Hillary. When Bill asked what the agent thought +about it, the agent said, "Good trade, Sir!" diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton60.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton60.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..27f7545 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton60.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +Regarding his economic policy Clinton said "We are ready for any unforseen +event that may or may not occur and don't forget, if we don't succeed, we run +the risk of failure" diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton61.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton61.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..18dd927 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton61.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +What did Hilliary say to Bill on their wedding night? +- You're no Jack Kennedy diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton64.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton64.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c232067 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton64.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Q: What do you call a Democrat in DC who doesn't womanize? +A: Barney Frank diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton65.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton65.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..dbb1ce0 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton65.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +Q: Did you know that Clinton is responsible for the midwest floods? + A: Yes, when he left the midwest for D.C., he brought all the dikes with + him. diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton67.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton67.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..37916f3 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton67.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +What's the difference between Bill Clinton and Jane Fonda? +Jane Fonda went to Vietnam. diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton69.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton69.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b8a895a --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton69.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +RE: It seems out of place to me, in a supposedly free society where +_alcohol_, _tobacco_, and _firearms_ are all legal, that our government +creates a para-military force to deal with these items. diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton71.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton71.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7285efc --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton71.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Which reminds me, "if a couple from Arkansas gets divorced, are they still +brother and sister?" diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton72.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton72.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c33a97f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton72.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ +There are three new watches on the market: +The George Bush Watch. + Has no hands. You must Read its Lips.....................29.95 plus tax +The Ross Perot Watch + Runs for awhile, stops. Runs for awhile, stops...........19.95 plus tax + The Bill Clinton Watch + Has two faces............................................9.95 plus tax... + plus tax... + plus tax... + plus tax... diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton74.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton74.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1f3cd4b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton74.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + Hillary Clinton ends up on an elevator,alone, with Rush Limbaugh. She stops +the elevator between floors, & says to him "Rush ,make me a real woman" as +she removes her clothes. Rush takes off his clothes, and handing them to her, +says " please fold mine neatly too" !! diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton76.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton76.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..68ed57c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton76.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +<> diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton78.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton78.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7c2f1f3 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton78.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Here's a variation on that one -- diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton79.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton79.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..82be7e9 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton79.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Q: Do you know how to go out of business? diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton8.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton8.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1574df1 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Q: Do you know why Hillary wears turtle-neck shirts? +A: So you can't see her adams-apple move when Bill talks! diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton80.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton80.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..af59707 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton80.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +A: Own a small business and then waith for the Clinton Health Plan to take +effect. diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton82.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton82.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..ab5e8b5 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton82.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +For what it's worth, here's another Billary joke: +Did you hear that Bill is in trouble with the IRS? He lied on his 1040. +He listed himself as "Head of Household!" diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton84.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton84.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..ea86fc8 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton84.txt @@ -0,0 +1,36 @@ +Hillary's Medical +Dictionary +ARTERY.............The study of painting +BACTERIA...........The back door of a cafeteria +BARIUM.............What doctors do when patients die +BOWEL..............A letter; like a,e,i,o,u +CESAREAN SECTION...A neighborhood in Rome +CAT SCAN...........Searching for kitty +CAUTERIZE..........Made eye contact with her +COLIC..............A sheep dog +D & C..............Where Washing is +DILATE.............To live long +ENEMA..............Not a friend +FESTER.............Quicker +GENITAL............Not a Jew +G.I. SERIES........Soldier ball game +HANGNAIL...........Coathook +IMPOTENT...........Distinguished; well-known +LABOR PAIN.........Getting hurt at work +MEDICAL STAFF......A doctor's cane +MORBID.............Higher offer +NITRATES...........Cheaper than day rates +NODE...............Was aware of +OUTPATIENT.........A person who fainted +PAP SMEAR..........A fatherhood test +PELVIS.............A cousin to Elvis +POSTOPERATIVE......A letter carrier +RECOVERY ROOM......A place to do upholstery +RECTUM.............Dang near killed 'em! +SEIZURE............A Roman emperor +TABLET.............A small table +TERMINAL ILLNESS...Getting sick at the airport +TUMOR..............More than one +URINE..............Belongs to you +VARICOSE...........Nearby +VEIN...............Conceited diff --git a/ai/learn/clinton/clinton9.txt b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton9.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d12d1d3 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/clinton/clinton9.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Q: Do you know how Bill and Hillary first met? +A: They were both dating the same girl! diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer1.ges b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer1.ges new file mode 100755 index 0000000..20fc105 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer1.ges @@ -0,0 +1,389 @@ +- Talk is cheap until you hire a lawyer. + +- I've never been in love. I've always been a lawyer. + +- LAWSUIT, n. A machine you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage. + +- LAWYER, n. Someone who prepares a 10,000-word document and calls it a +brief. + +- I take an instant dislike to lawyers. It saves a lot of time. + +- Two very rich people got divorced, and their lawyers lived happily ever +after. + +- Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. + +- Clothes don't necessarily make the man, but a good suit makes a lawyer. + +- My lawyer introduces himself as a criminal lawyer. I think that's pretty +self-aware of him. + +- He's a great lawyer. He once got a sodomy charge changed to following too +close. + +- He once got the jury so confused, they sent the judge to jail. + +What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? +- One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish. + +What's the difference between God and a lawyer? +- God doesn't think he's a lawyer. + +You are in a room with a mass murderer, a terrorist and a lawyer. You have a +gun with only two bullets. What do you do? +- Shoot the lawyer twice. + +Do you know what lawyers and sperm have in common? +- It takes 300,000 of them to make one human being. + +What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech? +- A leech quits sucking your blood after you die. + +Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? +- From chasing parked ambulances. + +Where can you find a good lawyer? +- In the cemetery. + +What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? +- A gigolo only screws one person at a time. + +A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services. The man paid him with crisp +new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills +had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100. +The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner? + +What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? +- A vampire only sucks blood at night. + +Why to lawyers wear neckties? +- To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins. + +What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? +- When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck +defiance. + +What can a duck do that a goose can't and a lawyer should? +- Stick his bill up his ass. + +What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? +- An offer you can't understand. + +What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a pig? +- Nothing there are just some things a pig won't do. + +What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? +- A vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer points. +- Vultures can't take their wing tips off. +- Vultures wait 'till you're dead to rip your heart out. + +What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in +the road? +- Vultures will eat the skunk. +- Skid marks in front of the skunk! + +What is a criminal lawyer? +- Redundant. + +What are lawyers good for? +- They make used car salesmen look good. + +What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? +- A doberman pinscher. + +What did the lawyer name his daughter? +- Sue. + +How can you tell when your lawyer is lying? +- His lips move. + +How do you save a drowning lawyer? +- Take your foot off his head. + +What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? +- A good start. + +What is the first thing you should do if you find a lawyer buried up to his +neck in cement? +- Get more cement. + +Why do they bury lawyers 20 feet deep after they die? +- Because deep,deep, deep down, they are really nice people. + +If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him? +- It might be your bicycle. + +Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking +down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar +bill. Who gets it? +- The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures. + +How do you know if a lawyer is cold? +- He has his hands in his own pockets. + +What is the definition of a "shame" (as in "that's a shame")? +- When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. + +What is the definition of a "crying shame"? +- There was an empty seat. + +Why does a lawyer wear a tie? +- To keep the foreskin from slipping over his head + +What do call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? +- Your Honor + +What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? +- Skeet + +How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? +- Cut the rope + +How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung? +- Check the knot in the rope + +What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? +- You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline. + +How do you tell if a lawyer is actually dead? +- Hold out your wallet. (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic +clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred) + +Why won't a shark attack a lawyer swimming in the ocean? +- Professional Courtesy + +Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and New York all the +lawyers? +- New Jersey had first pick. + +Did you hear about the lion walking through the woods eating deer droppings? + +- He had just eaten a lawyer and was trying to get the taste out of his +mouth! + +A lawyer realized he had a frog growing on his shoulder. He went to a +doctor. Upon removing his shirt, he was asked by the doctor, "My god, how +long have you had that?" Before he could respond, though, the frog spoke up, +"It started out as a wart on my butt!" + +A lawyer is walking down the street, and he accidently steps in a pile of +dogshit. A few seconds later he happens to be looking down at his feet, and +he notices it dripping from his shoe. +He screams, "Aaahhhh! I'm melting!" + +"How is it you can't get a lawyer to defend you?" the judge asked the +prisoner. +"Well, Yer Honor, it's like this...as soon as those lawyers found out I +didn't steal the money, they wouldn't have anything to do with me." + +A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said "I'm +here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by +the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." +"That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I'm here because my house +and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company +also paid for everything." The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you +start a flood?", he asked. + +Three surgeons were talking together. The first one said: "For my money, the +best of all possible patients are German people. All of their parts are +numbered, so it's easy to take them apart and put them back together. "The +second surgeon pipes up: "No, the best patients for surgery are Japanese +people. All of their parts are color-coded." + +Surgeon number three then says, "I think the best patients for surgery are +attorneys. They have only two parts, an asshole and a mouth, and they're +interchangable." + +The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange +some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. +Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four +months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in +return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's +souls rot in hell for eternity." +The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?", he asked. + +As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that +would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. +He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and +his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash +before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so +that I can try to take it with me." +All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each +approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in +the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess +something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, +and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The Church needed a new +baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought +one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin." +The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I +might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin +either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had +this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it +then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able +to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that." + +The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope +into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000." + +A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were +thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, +St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the +lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants +took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and +into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all +this attention, but what makes me so special?" +St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed +your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!" + +A man walked into an antique shop looking for something unusual. In a dusty +corner he found a brass statue of a rat. It was very unusual so he asked the +shopkeeper how much he wanted for it. +"$50 for the statue and $1,000 for the story behind it." "I don't need any +story," the man said as he handed over $50, took the rat, got in his car and +headed for home. He stopped at a stop light and noticed rats were pouring +out of all the buildings and sewer grates around him and were heading for +his car. The light changed and he sped off but when he looked in his rear +view mirror he saw a huge horde of rats racing after him. He drove as fast +as he could to the beach, jumped out of his car and hurled the statue as far +out into the ocean as he could. The horde of rats ran past him and every one +of them leaped into the ocean after the statue and they all drowned. The man +drove back to the antique store and when he walked in the shopkeeper said, +"I knew you'd be back for the story!" +"To hell with the story, I came back to see if you have a statue of a +lawyer!" + +The receptionist at the lawyers office answers her phone, "Johnson and +Lewis, attorneys at law.""Let me speak with Mr. Johnson please," said the +caller. "I'm sorry, Mr. Johnson passed away last night," replied the +receptionist. A few minutes later, she receives another call from what +sounds like the same caller. "May I speak with Mr. Johnson please?" "I'm +sorry, sir, but Mr. Johnson died last night." When the phone rings for the +third time, the receptionist hears the same voice. "May I speak with Mr. +Johnson please?" "Sir, I don't know what you're up to, but I recognize your +voice and I've already told you twice that Mr. Johnson died last night!" +snapped the receptionist. "I know, I'm sorry, I can't help myself," said the +caller, "I just love hearing you say it over and over again." + +Sammy came home from first grade with his first homework assignment, which +was to find the answer to "what is 2 + 2?". He went to his father first +because he was a mathematician. His dad said, "That seems to be from the +theory of small sets, which I haven't used in a long time. I suspect that +the answer is greater than 3, and will not exceed 5, even for extremely +large values of 2. I'll write it in Fortran and run it through the computer +at the college in the morning." Sammy shook his head and went outside to +think. His neighbor, an internist, was working in the yard. Sammy went over +and asked, "Dr. Smith, what is 2 + 2?" Smith thought a while and then said, +"I think it is 4, but we should run some tests first. Can you make an +appointment to see me at the office tommorrow and don't forget to bring your +HMO card." Sammy wasn't satisfied and he walked over to the other neighbor's +house, where Mr. Jones, a lawyer, was washing his BMW. Sammy said, "Mr. +Jones, what is 2 + 2?" Jones said, "My boy, since you are my little friend +and neighbor, I will waive my usual consultation fee, this is strictly Pro +Bono. But, be assured that justice will be served and the rights of the +citizen to know the value of 2 + 2 will be upheld". Then he knelt down and +wispered in Sammy's ear. "Sammy, what would you like it to be?" + +As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthetic after surgery, he said, "Why +are all the blinds drawn, doctor?" "There's a big fire across the street," +the doctor replied, "We didn't want you to think the operation was a +failure." + +The old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his +lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for that express degree +you told me about?" "It's $50,000", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be +dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?" "That's my business! Get me +the course!" Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was +at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was +racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. +Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too +late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?" +In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said: "One less +lawyer". + +A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of +eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate +conversation with a beautiful young woman. "What a ripoff," the man +muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend +it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the +escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?" + +A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions +gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape. "It +ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25 between us." "I warned +you to stay clear of lawyers!", the boss screamed. "We had over $100 when we +broke in!" + +A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to +time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his +capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a +lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up +behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, +"You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your +brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't +speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and +translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in +Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. +"What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get +lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'" + +A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who +had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its +decision, which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately +sent a telegram to his client, reading "Justice has triumphed!" The client +wired back, "Appeal at once!" + +Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone +asked. "Oh, not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern." + +Applying for a job, a new lawyer was asked if paying back his law school +tuition would be any special problem. He replied that he paid it back right +after his first case. When asked how he managed that, he said, "Well, my dad +sued me for it and won." + +A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped +in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers +are horses' asses." One of the locals spoke up on hearing this: "Mister, +you'd better watch what you say. You're in horse country." + +A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously +desperate. He asked the man at the counter, "Is there a criminal attorney in +town?" The man replied, "Yes - but we can't prove it yet." + +A 70 year old man was in the hospital awaiting news about the availability +of a heart for his transplant, when he was offered the heart of a 28 year +old marathon runner who just died in an accident. He turned that heart down. +The next day, he was offered a heart from a 35 year old construction worker, +who fell to his death. He did not accept that heart either. Several days +later he agreed to take the heart of a 50 year old lawyer. After the man +awoke from the surgery, they asked him why he turned down two perfectly good +hearts to select the one he did. His reply was, "I wanted one that had never +been used." + +There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they were +to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile accident. They +found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. +Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. +Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiance and I are very happy to be in +heaven but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding +vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?" +St. Peter looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what, wait five +years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about +it again." +Well five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get +married, came back. Again the St Peter said, "Please, you must wait another +five years and then I will consider your request." +Finally, they come before the St. Peter the third time, ten years after +their first request, and asked him again. This time he answered, "Yes, you +may marry. This Saturday at 2:00 p.m., we will have a beautiful ceremony in +the main chapel. The reception will be on me!" +The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was +beautiful. Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River Delta and Ghandi +came wearing his finest hand-woven sari. But, you guessed it, the couple was +married but a few weeks when they realized they had made a horrible mistake, +they just couldn't stay married to one another. +So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty, this time to +ask if they could get a divorce in heaven. When the Lord heard their +request, he looked at them and said, "Look, it took us ten years to find a +priest up here in heaven; do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a +lawyer?" diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer1.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer1.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e62ca4e --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer1.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +- Talk is cheap until you hire a lawyer. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer10.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer10.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..44cf48d --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +- He's a great lawyer. He once got a sodomy charge changed to following too +close. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer100.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer100.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d94b186 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer100.txt @@ -0,0 +1,14 @@ + Knowing he was near death a rich guy called three of his + best friends to ask their help. He had a plan on how to take + some of his money with him after his dealth. The three + friends were a priest, a doctor and a lawyer. The guy gave + each of them $50,000 in cash and told them to put the money + in an envelope and after his death they were to put the + money in his casket when viewing the body. After the guy + was buried the three friends got together. The priest told the + others that he only put $20,000 in the casket and used the + other $30,000 to help the poor. The doctor said he only put in + $30,000 and used the remainder to fund a health care facility + for the homeless. The lawyer told them he was ashamed of + what they had done. He told them that he had given his + dearly departed rich friend the full amount- a $50,000 check. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer101.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer101.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..fdece9a --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer101.txt @@ -0,0 +1,21 @@ + A Hindi priest, a Muslim priest, and a lawyer are traveling + across the country together. In the middle of Kansas, their + car breaks down, so they push it to the nearest farm to fix it, + but it gets dark by then. They ask the farmer if they can + spend the night, and he says, 'Yup. We gots us a guest bed + that will hold two of yer, but one of y'uall gonna have to + sleep in the barn.' The travelers agree to this and the Hindi + voulenteers to sleep in the barn. The lawyer and the Muslim + go up to the guest room and start to get ready for bed, but + five minutes later, they hear a knock on the door. Its the + Hindu, who says, 'Guys, I was lying down to go to sleep, but + then I see this cow near me, and my religion won't allow me + to sleep under the same roof as a cow.' The Muslim + understands, so he voulenteers, but five minutes later, when + the Hindi and lawyer are getting ready for bed, there's + another knock on the door. It's the Muslim, and he says, + 'Hey, I'm truly sorry, but I was going to sleep when this pig + started oinking near me, and my religion won't let me sleep + near a pig.' The laywer finally agrees to sleep in the barn, + although a little reluctantly. Five minutes later, there's + another knock on the door. It's the cow and pig. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer102.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer102.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1ddaf48 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer102.txt @@ -0,0 +1,17 @@ + Two Attorneys were in heated debate ove a crime and the + offensive attorney calls a Old lady to the stand........ The + Offensive Attorney: Mam do you know me? Old woman: + Yes I know you well, and frankly you have been a + dissapointment to me. You lie and cheat. You beat your wife + you sell your friends and you think that you are better than + every one. Well the lawyer stunnded for a minute thinks a + good stategy. The Offensive Attorney: Mam do you know the + Defenses Attorney. Old woman: Why yes I used to baby sit + him when he was little. I am dissapointed with him as well. + He smokes and drinks too much is constantly late he smell of + vermin and his Law skills are the shabbiest in the state. At + this the court room is all in a bussle and both attorneys begin + to argue soon the judge raps his mallet and calls the two + attorneys two the stand. Judge addressing the attorneys: If + either of you ask that poor old lady who I am I will have you + both in jail for contempt in 5 minutes diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer104.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer104.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..edce917 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer104.txt @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ + An engineer dies and is before St. Peter. St. Peter says "we + don't have you on the list to go to heaven, but your file says + you shouldn't be damned either. Tell you what, we'll send + you down to hell for a couple of days while we sort this out." + The engineer reluctantly goes to hell. The first thing Satan + says to him is "we don't have you on our list either, so you + can wait in the processing room." Well, the engineer notices + there are several problems with the heat, smoke, and water + system and immediately designs an air condition system, + waste disposal, and air purification. He then rewires the place + for piped in music. Satan is please with the improvements. + St. Peter calls down and says "hey, you've got an engineer + down here that belongs with us." Satan replies, "No way. + He's done a great job down here and we're keeping him." + St.Peter says "If you don't give him back, we'll sue." Satan + replies "Fine...just where do you thing you'll find a lawyer?" diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer106.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer106.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..873161c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer106.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ + A bus load of Lawyers is traveling down a deserted road. + Suddenly it swerves into a field and hits a tree, and catches + fire. The owner of the field, a farmer, run up, surveys the + scence, and buries all the lawyers. A week later, two + policemen are traveling down that same road and notice the + wreckage. The run up to the house and asks what happened. + "A busload of lawery crashed into the tree and the bus + caught fire" replied the farmer. "but what happened to all the + lawerys?!' asked the policeman. "I buried them." The farmer + said. "They were all dead?" cried the officer. "some of them + said they weren't," replied the farmer, "but you know that + lawyers are very good at lying." diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer107.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer107.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b3acab0 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer107.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + There was a fire at the blond's house and she decided to call + 911. So she call's 911 all upset and crying " You have to + come over and help me my house is on fire." The fireman + says "Ok, lady calm down, How do we get there?" The blond + states " DUH?? The BIG RED TRUCK. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer108.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer108.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7da5159 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer108.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + Once a priest and a lawyer died at the exact same time, and + they got switched. The priest went down, and the lawyer + went up. When they got unswitched, the met on the elevator. + "Oh!" said the priest, "Did you meet god and the virgin + Mary" he asked the lawyer. "Yep!" he replied, "but just call + her Mary now!" diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer109.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer109.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..6d8d98d --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer109.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13 @@ + There was a truck driver who couldn't stand lawyers. + Whenever he saw one on the side of the road he would he + swerve to hit the lawyer. One day he saw a preist on the side + off the road so he pulled over, "Where are you headed, + father" he asked. The preist replied, "The church 5 miles up + the road." "Well, I can give you a ride." So, the preist got in + and on the way they spotted a lawyer. Instinctivly the driver + swerved towards him, but remembering that he had a preist + in the cab he turned back missing the lawyer by inches. + Although he knew he missed the lawyer he still heard a + "THUD" he turned to the preist and said "I'm sorry, father, I + almost hit that lawyer." The preist replied, "Thats okay, Igot + him with the door." diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer11.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer11.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1129320 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer11.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +- He once got the jury so confused, they sent the judge to jail. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer110.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer110.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b92c697 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer110.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + A group of monkeys watch in amazement as a tiger comes + bouncing out of the jungle, runs over to a pile of their shit + and starts to gobble it up. They ask the tiger: "Why are you + eating our shit?" The tiger wipes his mouth and answers: "I + just ate a lawyer and wanted to get the taste out of my + mouth..." diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer111.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer111.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d9ad43a --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer111.txt @@ -0,0 +1,18 @@ + One day a man was digging a hole to plant a tree in his back + yard. After digging about 2 feet he hit a lamp, so he picked it + up and brushed it off. Suddenly out popped a Genie who said + he would grant him three wishes. "Great!" the man + explained. "However," said the genie,"i must know who you + hate the most." "I hate that lawyer down the street the + most." the man said. "Well," said the genie, "whatever you + wish for, the lawyer gets double that." Eager to get his + wishing started, the man exclaimed "I wish i had a million + dollars!." Poof! there was a million dollars next to him "Now + remember the lawyer has 2 million dollars," said the genie. + Once again the man blurted out a wish impatiently. "I wish i + had a lemo and a driver!" Poof! Suddenly there was a lemo + and a driver in his driveway. "Remember, the lawyer has 2 + lemo's and 2 drivers." the genie said. "This is your final wish, + make it a good one." After a long period of thought, the man + grabbed his shovel and handed it to the genie. Then he + exclaimed, "I wish you would beat me HALF to DEATH. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer112.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer112.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9f60480 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer112.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + There was a Truck Driver named joe ,who loved to run over + all the laywers he saw walking on the side of the road!,so one + day he was driving up the road when he saw a Priest!,so he + said to the priest, do you need a lift?,the Priest replied yes!,so + the priest got into the truck and they started to drive up the + road when joe saw a lawyer,and he went to swerve to hit + him but he just remembered that there was a Priest in the + truck so he swerved back,but he still heard a big"THUD",so + joe said to the priest im sorry but i might have hit a Lawyer + walking on the side of the road? the Priest replied,"That's ok + i got him with the door"! diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer12.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer12.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..2833225 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer12.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? +- One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer14.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer14.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9bfaa3a --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer14.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +You are in a room with a mass murderer, a terrorist and a lawyer. You have a +gun with only two bullets. What do you do? +- Shoot the lawyer twice. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer15.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer15.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..dd52b2a --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer15.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Do you know what lawyers and sperm have in common? +- It takes 300,000 of them to make one human being. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer16.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer16.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9770bbf --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer16.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech? +- A leech quits sucking your blood after you die. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer17.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer17.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..61a41f7 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer17.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? +- From chasing parked ambulances. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer18.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer18.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c4e05ac --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer18.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Where can you find a good lawyer? +- In the cemetery. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer19.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer19.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..11ddc31 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer19.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? +- A gigolo only screws one person at a time. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer2.ges b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer2.ges new file mode 100755 index 0000000..367c2a7 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer2.ges @@ -0,0 +1,163 @@ + Knowing he was near death a rich guy called three of his + best friends to ask their help. He had a plan on how to take + some of his money with him after his dealth. The three + friends were a priest, a doctor and a lawyer. The guy gave + each of them $50,000 in cash and told them to put the money + in an envelope and after his death they were to put the + money in his casket when viewing the body. After the guy + was buried the three friends got together. The priest told the + others that he only put $20,000 in the casket and used the + other $30,000 to help the poor. The doctor said he only put in + $30,000 and used the remainder to fund a health care facility + for the homeless. The lawyer told them he was ashamed of + what they had done. He told them that he had given his + dearly departed rich friend the full amount- a $50,000 check. + + A Hindi priest, a Muslim priest, and a lawyer are traveling + across the country together. In the middle of Kansas, their + car breaks down, so they push it to the nearest farm to fix it, + but it gets dark by then. They ask the farmer if they can + spend the night, and he says, 'Yup. We gots us a guest bed + that will hold two of yer, but one of y'uall gonna have to + sleep in the barn.' The travelers agree to this and the Hindi + voulenteers to sleep in the barn. The lawyer and the Muslim + go up to the guest room and start to get ready for bed, but + five minutes later, they hear a knock on the door. Its the + Hindu, who says, 'Guys, I was lying down to go to sleep, but + then I see this cow near me, and my religion won't allow me + to sleep under the same roof as a cow.' The Muslim + understands, so he voulenteers, but five minutes later, when + the Hindi and lawyer are getting ready for bed, there's + another knock on the door. It's the Muslim, and he says, + 'Hey, I'm truly sorry, but I was going to sleep when this pig + started oinking near me, and my religion won't let me sleep + near a pig.' The laywer finally agrees to sleep in the barn, + although a little reluctantly. Five minutes later, there's + another knock on the door. It's the cow and pig. + + Two Attorneys were in heated debate ove a crime and the + offensive attorney calls a Old lady to the stand........ The + Offensive Attorney: Mam do you know me? Old woman: + Yes I know you well, and frankly you have been a + dissapointment to me. You lie and cheat. You beat your wife + you sell your friends and you think that you are better than + every one. Well the lawyer stunnded for a minute thinks a + good stategy. The Offensive Attorney: Mam do you know the + Defenses Attorney. Old woman: Why yes I used to baby sit + him when he was little. I am dissapointed with him as well. + He smokes and drinks too much is constantly late he smell of + vermin and his Law skills are the shabbiest in the state. At + this the court room is all in a bussle and both attorneys begin + to argue soon the judge raps his mallet and calls the two + attorneys two the stand. Judge addressing the attorneys: If + either of you ask that poor old lady who I am I will have you + both in jail for contempt in 5 minutes + + A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over + lawyers he saw on the side of the street.Everytime he would + hit a lawyer he would hear a thump.One day he saw a priest + on the side of the road so he pulled over and asked the preist + where he was going "To the church 5 miles down the road" + he replied so the truck driver asked if he would like a ride.the + priest got in the truck.about a mile down the road the truck + driver saw a lawyer he swerved to hit him but then + remember the preist was with him,yet he still heard the + thump noise.he woundered why. "I'm sorry I almost hit that + lawyer" the truck driver said. "Thats ok I got him with the + door" the priest answed back. + + An engineer dies and is before St. Peter. St. Peter says "we + don't have you on the list to go to heaven, but your file says + you shouldn't be damned either. Tell you what, we'll send + you down to hell for a couple of days while we sort this out." + The engineer reluctantly goes to hell. The first thing Satan + says to him is "we don't have you on our list either, so you + can wait in the processing room." Well, the engineer notices + there are several problems with the heat, smoke, and water + system and immediately designs an air condition system, + waste disposal, and air purification. He then rewires the place + for piped in music. Satan is please with the improvements. + St. Peter calls down and says "hey, you've got an engineer + down here that belongs with us." Satan replies, "No way. + He's done a great job down here and we're keeping him." + St.Peter says "If you don't give him back, we'll sue." Satan + replies "Fine...just where do you thing you'll find a lawyer?" + + + A bus load of Lawyers is traveling down a deserted road. + Suddenly it swerves into a field and hits a tree, and catches + fire. The owner of the field, a farmer, run up, surveys the + scence, and buries all the lawyers. A week later, two + policemen are traveling down that same road and notice the + wreckage. The run up to the house and asks what happened. + "A busload of lawery crashed into the tree and the bus + caught fire" replied the farmer. "but what happened to all the + lawerys?!' asked the policeman. "I buried them." The farmer + said. "They were all dead?" cried the officer. "some of them + said they weren't," replied the farmer, "but you know that + lawyers are very good at lying." + + There was a fire at the blond's house and she decided to call + 911. So she call's 911 all upset and crying " You have to + come over and help me my house is on fire." The fireman + says "Ok, lady calm down, How do we get there?" The blond + states " DUH?? The BIG RED TRUCK. + + Once a priest and a lawyer died at the exact same time, and + they got switched. The priest went down, and the lawyer + went up. When they got unswitched, the met on the elevator. + "Oh!" said the priest, "Did you meet god and the virgin + Mary" he asked the lawyer. "Yep!" he replied, "but just call + her Mary now!" + + There was a truck driver who couldn't stand lawyers. + Whenever he saw one on the side of the road he would he + swerve to hit the lawyer. One day he saw a preist on the side + off the road so he pulled over, "Where are you headed, + father" he asked. The preist replied, "The church 5 miles up + the road." "Well, I can give you a ride." So, the preist got in + and on the way they spotted a lawyer. Instinctivly the driver + swerved towards him, but remembering that he had a preist + in the cab he turned back missing the lawyer by inches. + Although he knew he missed the lawyer he still heard a + "THUD" he turned to the preist and said "I'm sorry, father, I + almost hit that lawyer." The preist replied, "Thats okay, Igot + him with the door." + + A group of monkeys watch in amazement as a tiger comes + bouncing out of the jungle, runs over to a pile of their shit + and starts to gobble it up. They ask the tiger: "Why are you + eating our shit?" The tiger wipes his mouth and answers: "I + just ate a lawyer and wanted to get the taste out of my + mouth..." + + One day a man was digging a hole to plant a tree in his back + yard. After digging about 2 feet he hit a lamp, so he picked it + up and brushed it off. Suddenly out popped a Genie who said + he would grant him three wishes. "Great!" the man + explained. "However," said the genie,"i must know who you + hate the most." "I hate that lawyer down the street the + most." the man said. "Well," said the genie, "whatever you + wish for, the lawyer gets double that." Eager to get his + wishing started, the man exclaimed "I wish i had a million + dollars!." Poof! there was a million dollars next to him "Now + remember the lawyer has 2 million dollars," said the genie. + Once again the man blurted out a wish impatiently. "I wish i + had a lemo and a driver!" Poof! Suddenly there was a lemo + and a driver in his driveway. "Remember, the lawyer has 2 + lemo's and 2 drivers." the genie said. "This is your final wish, + make it a good one." After a long period of thought, the man + grabbed his shovel and handed it to the genie. Then he + exclaimed, "I wish you would beat me HALF to DEATH. + + There was a Truck Driver named joe ,who loved to run over + all the laywers he saw walking on the side of the road!,so one + day he was driving up the road when he saw a Priest!,so he + said to the priest, do you need a lift?,the Priest replied yes!,so + the priest got into the truck and they started to drive up the + road when joe saw a lawyer,and he went to swerve to hit + him but he just remembered that there was a Priest in the + truck so he swerved back,but he still heard a big"THUD",so + joe said to the priest im sorry but i might have hit a Lawyer + walking on the side of the road? the Priest replied,"That's ok + i got him with the door"! diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer2.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer2.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a3a260b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer2.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +- I've never been in love. I've always been a lawyer. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer20.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer20.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c977a36 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer20.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +A lawyer charged a man $500 for legal services. The man paid him with crisp +new $100 bills. After the client left, the lawyer discovered that two bills +had stuck together -- he'd been overpaid by $100. +The ethical dilemma for the lawyer: Should he tell his partner? diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer200.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer200.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..ecfcbbb --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer200.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? +Your honor. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer201.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer201.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7d743de --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer201.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? +You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline! + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer202.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer202.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..674efbf --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer202.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a + lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you + shoot? +Use all three bullets on the lawyer. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer204.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer204.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b2e30cb --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer204.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? +A good start! + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer205.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer205.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..67d57b9 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer205.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? +His lips are moving. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer206.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer206.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0e834d6 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer206.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the + road? +There are skid marks in front of the dog. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer207.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer207.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5ce6ad8 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer207.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What do you do if you run over a lawyer? +Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer208.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer208.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..781be33 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer208.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Why won't sharks attack lawyers? +Professional courtesy. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer209.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer209.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b8d9ebc --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer209.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? +Not enough sand. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer21.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer21.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b307bd0 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer21.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? +- A vampire only sucks blood at night. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer210.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer210.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c09f49f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer210.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep? +Because down deep, they are all nice guys!!!! + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer211.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer211.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..6bd2d2d --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer211.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? +Cut the rope. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer212.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer212.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b8355ef --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer212.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? +A1: Take your foot off his head. +A2: No. + Good! + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer214.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer214.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..85924ed --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer214.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? +The bucket. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer215.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer215.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..eb32d99 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer215.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? +When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. + +What is the definition of a "crying shame"? +There was an empty seat. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer216.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer216.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..ef3b561 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer216.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? +Stick his bill up his ass. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer217.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer217.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..6fe19af --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer217.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? +An offer you can't understand + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer218.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer218.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9ae8de6 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer218.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School? +A lobotomy. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer219.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer219.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c9f21a5 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer219.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? +One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer22.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer22.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c17fd6b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer22.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Why to lawyers wear neckties? +- To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer220.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer220.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..bb2ffc1 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer220.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's the difference between a female lawyer and a catfish? +One's slimey and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer221.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer221.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e4af1f5 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer221.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common? +Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer222.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer222.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..3fb61c4 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer222.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? +From chasing parked ambulances. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer224.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer224.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1d6352e --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer224.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? +A gigolo only screws one person at a time. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer225.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer225.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..4f13392 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer225.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What do lawyers use as contraceptives? +Their personalities. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer226.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer226.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..76d3128 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer226.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Why are lawyers great in bed? +They get so much practice screwing people. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer227.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer227.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..117ba8f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer227.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? +The lawyer charges more. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer228.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer228.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..88a90c5 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer228.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ + +Hear about the lady lawyer that dropped her briefs and became a solicitor? + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer229.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer229.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b30fccf --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer229.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon? +He was disbarred. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer230.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer230.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..6496afb --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer230.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? +A vampire only sucks blood at night. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer231.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer231.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5bf3e9a --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer231.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Why to lawyers wear neckties? +To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer232.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer232.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7031e87 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer232.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? +When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer234.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer234.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1244959 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer234.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? +It might be your bicycle. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer235.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer235.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c96ec9c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer235.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +Why does Califonia have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste + dumps? +New Jersey got to pick first. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer236.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer236.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..310cdc9 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer236.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps? +Because people could not tell which side to spit on. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer237.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer237.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c522529 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer237.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ + + A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?" + The housewife replies: "Four!". + The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures +through my spreadsheet one more time." + The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How +much do you want it to be?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer238.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer238.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..98c9d76 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer238.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ + + A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign +remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain +store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for Engineer brain?" + "3 dollars an ounce." + "How much for brain?" + "4 dollars an ounce." + "How much for lawyer brain?" + "100 dollars an ounce." + "Why is lawyer brain so much more?" + "Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer239.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer239.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9df45b7 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer239.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13 @@ + +A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. +"Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood +up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" +Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank +you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly +stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was +aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went +to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The +teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's +father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to +a seven-year-old?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer24.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer24.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..41dfa12 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer24.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +What can a duck do that a goose can't and a lawyer should? +- Stick his bill up his ass. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer240.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer240.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d1871ea --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer240.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + +A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were +thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. +Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer +was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the +lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a +comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this +attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added +up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you +must be about 193 years old!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer241.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer241.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..456fa8c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer241.txt @@ -0,0 +1,22 @@ + + The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After +a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, +ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After +passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their +new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on +the front lawn of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. +This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least +until the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's +getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight +once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and +more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. +Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns +to leave, wishing the pontiff all his best. The Pope, in a mild state of +astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer +in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with +this dive?" Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old +fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many +times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your +dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first non-damned +lawyer to make it up here!!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer242.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer242.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..681aeb3 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer242.txt @@ -0,0 +1,17 @@ + + The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his +sins: + 1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were +guilty. + 2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high. + 3) Overcharging fees to many clients. + 4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a +controversial case. + And the list goes on for quite awhile. + The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, +but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in +his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once +you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug +look on his face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him +and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell." + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer244.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer244.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..434e93e --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer244.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +At the funeral of a lady was her doctor, a friend and her lawyer. Each had +promised her that at her funeral they would toss $1000 into her grave. The +doctor and friend each tossed in their $1000 cash, after which the lawyer +removed the cash and placed a check for $3000. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer245.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer245.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..73d68e3 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer245.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to +Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go +first, and the executioner follow." + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer246.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer246.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d1a2302 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer246.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had +solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the +Phoenicians invented money, there has been only one answer to that question." + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer247.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer247.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b2e1783 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer247.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + +Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the +jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had +presided at the hearing. + "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of +mine." + "Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have +him arrested for ?" + "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his +fee, so he went and took the car I stole." + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer248.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer248.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..77a4c2b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer248.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your +background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under +oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer249.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer249.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..2713711 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer249.txt @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ + +A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, +who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded +a jury trial. It was nearly 4 P. M. And getting a jury would take time, so the +judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone +available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told +them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel +experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over +in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The +jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and +everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of +patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the +verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a +verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're +still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer25.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer25.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..30b1458 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer25.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? +- An offer you can't understand. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer250.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer250.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a0ea4a1 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer250.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. +"Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern." + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer251.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer251.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..66784dd --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer251.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's +grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl +asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, +dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there +said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'" + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer252.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer252.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..14dcc65 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer252.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at +least there will be no problem with fee-splitting. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer254.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer254.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..563ea43 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer254.txt @@ -0,0 +1,30 @@ + +Lawyers in Japan + +Copied from the Sunday Daily Breeze - + +Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan's +well-oiled economic machine. It's only a mater of time before that powerful +engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail. + +What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increased +unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it's something much more economically +debilitating - and permanent. + +Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to +practice law in Japan. What's more, two of them are from New York! + +The decline has begun. + +Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio of +one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan, +there are 1,000 engineers. In the United States, that ratio is reversed. + +But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in +Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six +British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in Japan. + +If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence of American +attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our +costliest surplus commodity? + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer255.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer255.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7f5195c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer255.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + +For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this +country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's +daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up +the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant +on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" +he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the +baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my +condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be +better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer." + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer256.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer256.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..04c1838 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer256.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for +all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're +going to find a lawyer?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer257.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer257.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..237892a --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer257.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down +the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who +gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer258.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer258.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..fc52c3e --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer258.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + + A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his +selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. + "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. + "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's +against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put +"here lies an honest lawyer." + "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. + "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and +exclaim, "That's strange!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer259.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer259.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b72200d --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer259.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? +It's called, Sosumi. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer26.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer26.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d11ccad --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer26.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a pig? +- Nothing there are just some things a pig won't do. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer260.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer260.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..db18444 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer260.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they + couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body? +They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer261.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer261.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e61a958 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer261.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + + An anxious woman goes to her doctor. + "Doctor," she asks nervously, "Can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" + "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer262.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer262.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9c3aa98 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer262.txt @@ -0,0 +1,17 @@ + + At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, +"Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our +experiments?" + "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" + "Well, for five reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. +Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them. Third, lawyers +multiply faster in numbers, Fourth, animal rights groups will not object to +their torture. And fifth, there are some things even a rat won't do. There is +a drawback however; sometimes it's very hard to extrapolate the test results to +human beings" + +Why do behavioral scientists prefer lawyers to rats for their experiments? +There are more of the lawyers to work with, lab assistants are less likely to +feel sympathy for them, they multiply faster, animal rights groups will not +object to their torture, and there are some things even a rat won't do. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer264.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer264.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..99b0708 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer264.txt @@ -0,0 +1,24 @@ + +A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to +which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would +invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week +or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. +On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with +him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a +splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. +Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick +berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, +gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two +huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, +immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male +bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, +tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The +sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. +Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the +lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family +danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the +bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT +THE FEMALE. "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the +other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told +you that the Czech was in the Male?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer265.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer265.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5abd015 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer265.txt @@ -0,0 +1,59 @@ + + It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the +emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came +over to see him. + "Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when +you accused me of malpractice." + "Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?" + "How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor." + "I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what +you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?" + "Your diagnosis is as good as mine." + "What are you talking about?" + "When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there +was to know about the practice of medicine." + "Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something." + "Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a +gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?" + "I'll sign a paper that I won't sue." + "Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why +were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated +hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It +never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, +there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make +me sick.' " + "Why are you reading that to me?" + "Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. +A lady cane in the other day limping ..." + "Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol." + "You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've +changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore." + "Then get me another doctor." + "There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the +malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only +place that I can practice." + "If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your +case to a higher court." + "You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney +stone." + "You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at +him." + "That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you +addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. +Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room +6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of +pain.' " + "Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of +Demerol?" + "I better check you out first." + "Don't check me out, just give the dope." + "But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the +patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you +mind getting up on the scale?" + "What for?" + "To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the +lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were." + "I'm not going to sue you." + "You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass +the kidney stone?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer266.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer266.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1b1827c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer266.txt @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ + + A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian +takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, +drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in +the world you can find vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we +have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the +window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite +impressed. + The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to +smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, +nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar and we have so much of +them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of +havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. + At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the +Lawyer through it... + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer267.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer267.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..09156e6 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer267.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ + +A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals +a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed +steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for +the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe +me $8. 50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, +without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8. 50 [attorneys don't carry +cash - it's too plebeian - and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card +imprinter to the lawyer's office]. Several periods of time later - it could be +the next day but that would be unrealistic - the butcher opens the mail and +finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer268.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer268.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..df08568 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer268.txt @@ -0,0 +1,19 @@ + + A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when +their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When +they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and +one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly +agreed. + The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the +beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. +The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in +there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!" + The Hindu said he would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem +with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the +bedroom door saying "There's a cow in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room +as a cow! It's against my religion!" + The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no +problem sleeping with animals. + In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow +entered... + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer269.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer269.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..53e5f48 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer269.txt @@ -0,0 +1,39 @@ + +How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? + + A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb. + A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're + looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb... + A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the +party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith +agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall +be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform +previously agreed upon duties, i. e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise +illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the +entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated +by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option +of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the +aforementioned agreement between the parties. + The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, +the following steps: + 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at +his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of +elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party +of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point +being non-negotiable. + 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) +becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of +the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the +second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local +and federal statutes. + 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first +part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of +the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner +consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this +self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a +clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. + Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party +of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the +objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth +part, also known as "Partnership." + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer27.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer27.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..8465618 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer27.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? +- A vulture doesn't get Frequent Flyer points. +- Vultures can't take their wing tips off. +- Vultures wait 'till you're dead to rip your heart out. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer270.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer270.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..018ff16 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer270.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ + +The Lawyer's Motto: + "Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and +all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is +incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of +otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures." + +In Other Words: + "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer271.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer271.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..81dad6e --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer271.txt @@ -0,0 +1,24 @@ + + A doctor, an engineer, and a lawyer go out hunting in the woods one day. +Each of them brings along his hunting dog, and they spend most of the morning +arguing about which of the dogs is the smartest. Early in the afternoon, they +discover a clearing in the forest. In the middle of the clearing is a large +pile of animal bones. + Seeing the bones, the doctor turns to the others and says, "I'm going to +prove to you two that my dog is the smartest. Watch this!" He then calls his +dog over and says, "Bones! See the bones? Go get 'em!" The dog rushes over to +the pile, rummages around for a bit, and then proceeds to build a replica of the +human skeleton, perfect down to the last detail. The doctor grins smugly; after +all, his dog has just build a *human* skeleton from *animal* bones. + The engineer, however, is totally unimpressed. "That's nothing," he says. +"Watch this." He calls his dog over, and points out the pile. "Bones! Get the +bones!" The dog rushes over, tears down the skeleton, and in its place builds a +perfect replica of the Eiffel Tower. It even has a little French flag waving at +the top. The doctor is forced to agree that the engineer's dog is, in fact, +smarter than his own. + The lawyer, however, is still not impressed. "My dog is smarter," he says. +"Watch." He then calls his dog over, points to the pile, and says simply +"Bones." The dog rushes over to the pile, tears down the tower, eats half the +bones, buries the other half, screws the other two dogs, and takes the rest of +the afternoon off. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer272.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer272.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..943f051 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer272.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ + + Two lawyers made a date to have lunch together. The first person showed up +on time, but the second person didn't show until 1-1/2 hours after they were +supposed to meet... + 1st lawyer: "How come you're so late?" + 2nd lawyer: "Oh, I ran over a milk bottle and got a flat tire.." + 1st lawyer: "A milk bottle? Didn't you see it in the road?" + 2nd lawyer: "No - the kid had it under his coat..." + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer274.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer274.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..137f10f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer274.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + + Ben Dover + And +C. Howlett Fields + +Attorneys At Law + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer275.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer275.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..52be264 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer275.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +Legal business card: + +Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe +Attorneys at Law + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer276.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer276.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..366e50c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer276.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is +that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer277.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer277.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..234d1d6 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer277.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own +pockets. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer278.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer278.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..32b4190 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer278.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you +serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. +"Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator." + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer279.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer279.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..4abc59a --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer279.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling +the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a +lawyer milking the cow. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer28.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer28.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7e3bfd3 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer28.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in +the road? +- Vultures will eat the skunk. +- Skid marks in front of the skunk! diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer280.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer280.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7b71a52 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer280.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator, it +would be a good idea to just leave them there. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer281.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer281.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..958fdcb --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer281.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer? +A doberman. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer282.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer282.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..91f665b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer282.txt @@ -0,0 +1,19 @@ + +There was a young man shipwrecked on an island. He found a magic lamp on the +shore one day, picked it up and rubbed it. A Genie appeared. However, he was +not a typical Genie, he was an attorney Genie. When the Genie told the man he +was also an attorney the man laughed and said, "Oh come on, Genies can't be +attorneys too!" The Genie said he would prove it. He told the man to make his +three wishes, but on one condition, for every wish he made, all attorneys were +granted DOUBLE of what the man wished for. The man pondered the offer and +decided that something was better than nothing and decided his three wishes. "My +first wish is for 1 million dollars". The Genie reminded the man that he would +grant the wish, but all attorneys would get double that amount. The man agreed +and then made his second wish. "My second wish is for a beautiful blonde with +blue eyes." Once again the Genie granted the wish and also granted all +attorneys with two of the blonde eyed babe. The Genie announced that the man +had one more wish and to consider his choice carefully. The man thought for a +moment. Suddenly he drew the Genie's attention to a piece of driftwood lying on +the beach. He told the Genie: "For my next wish, please pick up that piece of +driftwood and beat me HALF to death!!!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer284.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer284.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..993eebd --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer284.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ + +A lawyer was trying to console a weeping widow. Her husband had passed away +without a will. "Did the deceased have any last words?" asked the lawyer. "You +mean *right* before he died?" sobbed the widow. "Yes," replied the lawyer. +"They might be helpful if it's not too painful for you to recall." "Well," she +began, "he said "Don't try to scare me! You couldn't hit the broad side of a +barn with that gun." + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer285.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer285.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..3a3c196 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer285.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche? +With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside! + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer286.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer286.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a3cda55 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer286.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +Man goes goes to lawyer for help - +Man: "What is your least expensive fee?" +Lawyer: "$50 for three questions." +Man: "That's pretty expensive isn't it?" +Lawyer: "Yes. So what's your third question" + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer287.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer287.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a532286 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer287.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? +He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer288.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer288.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..713f6b0 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer288.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Why didn't the doctor (any other profession) pay the rent on his outhouse? +He didn't like the lawyer living downstairs. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer289.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer289.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7f020ab --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer289.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + + Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. + The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You +open them up and everything inside is numbered." + The second one said, "I think librarians are easiest to operate on. You +open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." + The third one said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up +and everything inside is color-coded." + The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless, +spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are interchangeable." + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer29.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer29.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b0e6119 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer29.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +What is a criminal lawyer? +- Redundant. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer290.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer290.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..6af62ae --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer290.txt @@ -0,0 +1,89 @@ + +Dear Prospective Employer: + +I am a starving student on the 1993 production line at Harvard Law Factory. A +recent examination of my aspirations has convinced me that I must eat in the +years to come. The exorbitant sums paid by most legal factories to summer +associates fit in well with the modest goals I have set for myself. Feel +assured that I understand the responsibilities incumbent upon a summer associate +at your firm. I am not at all squeamish about milking our powerful corporate +clients of their every last cent by providing legal services of the calibre +necessary to defeat well-founded claims by victims caught in the corporate vice. +I have learned much at Hahvahd. I can promise that such human foibles as pity +will never interfere with my willingness to stretch the innocent on the rack of +legal trickery for the good of the client and its share-holders. + +Although my parents lost their fortune in the 1987 stock market crash, we have +managed to retain our insultingly extravagant La Jolla mansion by means of lies +and trickery. I have gained a deep admiration for conspicuous consumption and +hope to become an expert in the practice. If I may quote the Bible, "You cannot +serve both God and Mammon." (Matt. 6:24). So why bother serving God? + +I would be delighted to discuss further my background in a personal interview. +I am satisfied by my ability to demonstrate the amorality needed to be a +successful attorney, and the hunger needed to be a successful and profitable +hour biller with your factory. I appreciate the time spent reading this form +letter and my "you've seen it all before" resume. I look forward to receiving a +form letter with good news from you soon! + +Desperately, but cocksurely, + +Jack Meoff, Jr. +enclosure + JACK MEOFF, JR. + +School Residence Family Residence +666 Brattle St., #14 99 Oversight Dr. +Cambridge, MA 02138 La Jolla, CA 92123 +(617) 123-4567 (714) 321-9999 + +EDUCATION + +HARVARD LAW FACTORY. Juris Doctor will be awarded May, 1993. + Grade Point Average: 3. 93/4. 00 + *Christopher Columbus Langell Scholar + *Staff Member (redundant, huh?) Harvard Review + *Founder, CRAP in '92 (Committee to Re-elect America's President) + +DARTMOUTH COLLEGE. Bachelor of Science, summa cum laude, awarded 1990. + Grade Point Average: 3. 97/4. 00Class Rank: 3/1245 + Major: Economic Assumptions Minor: Business Antics + *Senior Thesis: "The Rich: How to Keep them that Way" + *Editor-in-chief, "The Dartmouth Review" + *President, Future Fascists of America + +EXPERIENCE + +WICHITA MUNICIPAL JAIL +Conspirator, Operation Rescue, 1991 + *Deprived numerous U. S. Citizens of their civil rights + *Endured three nights of detention for flouting U. S. District Judge + Patrick Kelly's injunction encouraging infanticide + +SILVERADO SAVINGS AND LOAN +Personal Assistant, Office of Mr. Neil Bush, 1990 + *Rubber-stamped numberless unsecured loans to family friends + *Hid under rock with "sensitive" files when federal inspectors visited + +EXXON CORPORATION +Intern, Legal Department, 1989 + *Collaborated in escape from liability for Exxon Valdez spill + *Advised that Capt. Hazelwood be publicly pilloried as drunk culprit + +UNITED STATES SENATE +Intern, Office of the Honorable Jesse Helms, 1988 + *Authored bill to mandate a return to the values of the Middle Ages + *Rigged spring-guns to "delay" Anti-life protesters at door + *Bullshit official positions to constituents + +INTERESTS + + *Money + *Wealth + *Riches + *Treasure Trove + +REFERENCES + +Available for a modest fee + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer291.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer291.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..3dbf204 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer291.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ + + Malborn sat in his attorney's office. + "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said. + "Give me the bad news first." + "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars." + "That's the bad news?" aslked Malborn incredulously. "I can't wait to hear +the terrible news." + "The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary." + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer292.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer292.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..517a518 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer292.txt @@ -0,0 +1,22 @@ + +A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed +each of them an envelop containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise +that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops +in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the +next life. A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and +Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old client and +friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the +Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only +$10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all +the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their +forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed +that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The +envelop, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring +himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit +others. By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He +expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest +and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying +friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed in the coffin +contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelop contained my personal check for +the entire $25,000. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer294.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer294.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..3ffab3e --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer294.txt @@ -0,0 +1,45 @@ + + One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the +avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady +walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give +$50.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young +lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on +that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his +companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment. The +following morning, the man presented her with $25. 00 as he prepared to leave. +She demanded the rest of the money, stating: "If you don't give me the other +$25.00, I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying: "I'd like to see you get it +on these grounds." + The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his +presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and +explained the details of the case. His lawyer said: "She can't possibly get a +judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her +case will be presented." + After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as +follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, +a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she +agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of +$50.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for +the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid +only $25.00, one-half the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since +it is restricted property, and we ask judgement be granted against the defendant +to assure payment of the balance." The defendant's lawyer was impressed and +amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore, +was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your +honor," he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, +that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived +from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around +which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor +performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were +sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately +compensated for rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgement not +be granted." The young lady's lawyer answered thusly: "Your honor, my client +agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the +defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the +property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, +pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only +dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than +it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to +others. We, therefore, ask that judgement be granted." + And it was. She won the case... + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer295.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer295.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e9fa810 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer295.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + + "You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent. + "And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition. + Banging his gavel sharply, His Honor interrupted: "All right, now that both +attorneys have been identified, let's get on with this case." + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer296.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer296.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5b9b429 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer296.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +A lawyer is driving his new, red, convertible BMW when he runs a red light and +is broad-sided by a Ford. He stumbles out in shock, all the while whining "My +Beemer. My poor Beemer". A cop arrives on the scene and points out "Sir, your +arm has been torn off". The lawyer looks at where his left arm used to be and +screams "MY ROLEX!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer297.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer297.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..4ed97c1 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer297.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Harry Bender: Imagine the appeals, dissents and remandments, If lawyers had +written 'The Ten Commandments' + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer298.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer298.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..20e9ea3 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer298.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Lawyer: Did you say the plaintiff was shot in the woods? +Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer299.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer299.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..3642d81 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer299.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13 @@ + + In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly +cross over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair +amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt. It is impossible to assess +blame for the accident on either however. + They both get out. One is a doctor and the other is a lawyer. The lawyer +calls the police on his car phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes. + It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The laywer offers the doctor +a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it +back to the lawyer, who puts it away. + "Aren't you also going to have a drink?" the doctor says. + "AFTER the police get here." replies the lawyer. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer3.ges b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer3.ges new file mode 100755 index 0000000..27f8140 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer3.ges @@ -0,0 +1,1417 @@ +What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 50? +Your honor. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? +You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +In front of you stand four men: Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin, Saddam Hussein and a + lawyer. You are holding a gun which contains only three bullets. Who do you + shoot? +Use all three bullets on the lawyer. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer? +A hooker will stop fucking you when you're dead. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? +A good start! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? +His lips are moving. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the + road? +There are skid marks in front of the dog. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What do you do if you run over a lawyer? +Back over him to make sure. Then, make another notch on the steering wheel. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Why won't sharks attack lawyers? +Professional courtesy. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? +Not enough sand. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep? +Because down deep, they are all nice guys!!!! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? +Cut the rope. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? +A1: Take your foot off his head. +A2: No. + Good! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? +Shoot him before he hits the water. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? +The bucket. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? +When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. + +What is the definition of a "crying shame"? +There was an empty seat. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? +Stick his bill up his ass. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? +An offer you can't understand + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School? +A lobotomy. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? +One's a bottom-crawling scum sucker and the other's just a fish. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the difference between a female lawyer and a catfish? +One's slimey and has whiskers, and the other one lives in the water. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What does a lawyer and a sperm have in common? +Both have about a one in 3 million chance of becoming a human being. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? +From chasing parked ambulances. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Where can you find a good lawyer? +In the cemetery + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? +A gigolo only screws one person at a time. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What do lawyers use as contraceptives? +Their personalities. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Why are lawyers great in bed? +They get so much practice screwing people. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? +The lawyer charges more. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Hear about the lady lawyer that dropped her briefs and became a solicitor? + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What happened to the lawyer who was thrown out of a saloon? +He was disbarred. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? +A vampire only sucks blood at night. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Why to lawyers wear neckties? +To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? +When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? +Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? +It might be your bicycle. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Why does Califonia have so many lawyers and New Jersey have so many toxic waste + dumps? +New Jersey got to pick first. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Why did the post office recall the new lawyer stamps? +Because people could not tell which side to spit on. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?" + The housewife replies: "Four!". + The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures +through my spreadsheet one more time." + The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How +much do you want it to be?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner. He sees a sign +remarking on the quality of professional brain offered at this particular brain +store. So he asks the butcher: "How much for Engineer brain?" + "3 dollars an ounce." + "How much for brain?" + "4 dollars an ounce." + "How much for lawyer brain?" + "100 dollars an ounce." + "Why is lawyer brain so much more?" + "Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living. +"Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?" Tim stood +up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" +Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman." "Thank +you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" Billy proudly +stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse." The teacher was +aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. Later that day she went +to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The +teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation. Billy's +father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a thing like that to +a seven-year-old?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were +thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. +Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer +was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the +lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a +comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this +attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added +up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you +must be about 193 years old!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates. After +a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective professions, +ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly station. After +passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides to show them to their +new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome, Pete brings them down on +the front lawn of a huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. +This, Pete announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least +until the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's +getting a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight +once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear more and +more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with Brownstone houses. +Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the Popes new domicile and turns +to leave, wishing the pontiff all his best. The Pope, in a mild state of +astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the deal here? You put that lawyer +in a beautiful estate home and I, spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with +this dive?" Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old +fellow, this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many +times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can get your +dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because he's the first non-damned +lawyer to make it up here!!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his +sins: + 1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were +guilty. + 2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high. + 3) Overcharging fees to many clients. + 4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a +controversial case. + And the list goes on for quite awhile. + The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, +but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also." St. Peter looks in +his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once +you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?" The lawyer gets a smug +look on his face and replies, "Yes." St. Peter turns to the angel next to him +and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub- scribed to +a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a +shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an +attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +At the funeral of a lady was her doctor, a friend and her lawyer. Each had +promised her that at her funeral they would toss $1000 into her grave. The +doctor and friend each tossed in their $1000 cash, after which the lawyer +removed the cash and placed a check for $3000. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred it to +Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the thief go +first, and the executioner follow." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had +solved her legal troubles. "My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the +Phoenicians invented money, there has been only one answer to that question." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the +jury acquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had +presided at the hearing. + "Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for that dirty lawyer of +mine." + "Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your acquittal. What do you want to have +him arrested for ?" + "Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his +fee, so he went and took the car I stole." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your +background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under +oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, +who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded +a jury trial. It was nearly 4 P. M. And getting a jury would take time, so the +judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to impanel anyone +available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told +them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel +experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over +in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The +jury went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home, and +everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of +patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the +verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a +verdict yet?" The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're +still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone asked. +"Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's +grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl +asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, +dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there +said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at +least there will be no problem with fee-splitting. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the +Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose +some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air +in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, +"I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry +yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And the man on +the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George +turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can +you tell?". George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and +totally useless". That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still +worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front +page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer". + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Lawyers in Japan + +Copied from the Sunday Daily Breeze - + +Take heart, America. Three monkey wrenches have been thrown into Japan's +well-oiled economic machine. It's only a mater of time before that powerful +engine of productivity begins to sputter and fail. + +What could cause such a sharp turnaround? High interest rates? Increased +unemployment? Lower productivity? No, it's something much more economically +debilitating - and permanent. + +Three American lawyers have become the first foreign attorneys permitted to +practice law in Japan. What's more, two of them are from New York! + +The decline has begun. + +Japan has one attorney for every 10,000 residents, compared to the U.S. ratio of +one attorney for every 390 residents. For every 100 attorneys trained in Japan, +there are 1,000 engineers. In the United States, that ratio is reversed. + +But a law that became effective on April 1 permits foreigners to practice in +Japan for the first time since 1955. Already, an additional 20 American and six +British lawyers have applied for permission to open practices in Japan. + +If anything can slow the Japanese economy, it's the presence of American +attorneys. What better way to even our balance of trade than to send Japan our +costliest surplus commodity? + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this +country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's +daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up +the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant +on her lap! "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" +he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the +baby would have my name!" "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my +condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be +better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for +all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're +going to find a lawyer?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down +the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who +gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are mythological creatures. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his +selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. + "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer. + "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this state, it's +against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put +"here lies an honest lawyer." + "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. + "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "People will read it and +exclaim, "That's strange!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear about the new sushi bar that caters exclusively to lawyers? +It's called, Sosumi. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they + couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body? +They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoebox. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + An anxious woman goes to her doctor. + "Doctor," she asks nervously, "Can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" + "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, +"Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our +experiments?" + "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" + "Well, for five reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. +Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them. Third, lawyers +multiply faster in numbers, Fourth, animal rights groups will not object to +their torture. And fifth, there are some things even a rat won't do. There is +a drawback however; sometimes it's very hard to extrapolate the test results to +human beings" + +Why do behavioral scientists prefer lawyers to rats for their experiments? +There are more of the lawyers to work with, lab assistants are less likely to +feel sympathy for them, they multiply faster, animal rights groups will not +object to their torture, and there are some things even a rat won't do. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank +holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window +that she wished to take the 3 million she had in the bag and open an account +with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of +Chase Manhattan Bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller seemed to +think that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing +the bundles of 1,000 bills which amounted to right around 3 million, telephoned +the bank's secretary to obtain an appointment for the lady. + The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. +Introductions were made and she stated that she would like to get to know the +people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then +asked her where she came into such a large amount of money. "Was it an +inheritance?" he asked. "No." she answered. "Was it from playing the stock +market?" "No." she replied. He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of +where this little old lady could possibly come into 3 million. "I bet." she +stated. "You bet?" repeated the bank president. "As in horses?" "No." she +replied, "I bet people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that she justs +bets different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you +$25,000.00 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning, your balls will be square." +The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up +on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, the bank +president was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no +chances; there was $25,000.00 at stake. + When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure +everything was okay. There was no difference- he looked the same as he always +had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00 +o'clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be a good day- how often do you +get handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing. At 10:00 o'clock sharp the little old +lady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When he inquired as +to the man's purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer +and she always took him along when there was this much money involved. "Well," +she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he +replied, "but I am the same as I've always been only $25,000.00 richer." The +lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. +The bank president thought this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She +instructed him to bend over and then grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, +everything was fine. The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer +standing across the room banging his head against the wall. "What' wrong with +him?" he inquired. "Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000.00 that by 10:00 +o'clock this morning that I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the +balls." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to +which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would +invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week +or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine. +On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with +him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a +splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors. +Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick +berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, +gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two +huge Bears - a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, +immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male +bear reached him and swallowed him whole. The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, +tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The +sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. +Sure enough, the two bears were still there. "He's in THAT one!" cried the +lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family +danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the +bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT +THE FEMALE. "Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the +other!" "Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told +you that the Czech was in the Male?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the +emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came +over to see him. + "Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when +you accused me of malpractice." + "Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?" + "How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor." + "I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what +you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?" + "Your diagnosis is as good as mine." + "What are you talking about?" + "When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there +was to know about the practice of medicine." + "Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something." + "Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a +gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?" + "I'll sign a paper that I won't sue." + "Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why +were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated +hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It +never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, +there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make +me sick.' " + "Why are you reading that to me?" + "Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. +A lady cane in the other day limping ..." + "Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol." + "You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've +changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore." + "Then get me another doctor." + "There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the +malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only +place that I can practice." + "If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your +case to a higher court." + "You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney +stone." + "You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at +him." + "That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you +addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. +Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room +6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of +pain.' " + "Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of +Demerol?" + "I better check you out first." + "Don't check me out, just give the dope." + "But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the +patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you +mind getting up on the scale?" + "What for?" + "To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the +lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were." + "I'm not going to sue you." + "You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass +the kidney stone?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train. The Russian +takes a bottle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a glass, +drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world, nowhere in +the world you can find vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukrainia. And we +have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..." Saying that, he open the +window and throw the rest of the bottle through it. All the others are quite +impressed. + The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to +smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas, +nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigar and we have so much of +them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack of +havanas through the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed. + At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the +Lawyer through it... + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals +a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed +steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for +the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers, "Absolutely." "Then you owe +me $8. 50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today." The lawyer, +without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8. 50 [attorneys don't carry +cash - it's too plebeian - and the butcher hadn't brought the shop's credit card +imprinter to the lawyer's office]. Several periods of time later - it could be +the next day but that would be unrealistic - the butcher opens the mail and +finds an envelope from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when +their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When +they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and +one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly +agreed. + The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the +beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. +The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in +there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig!" + The Hindu said he would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem +with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the +bedroom door saying "There's a cow in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room +as a cow! It's against my religion!" + The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no +problem sleeping with animals. + In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow +entered... + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? + + A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light bulb. + A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're + looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb... + A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the +party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith +agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall +be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform +previously agreed upon duties, i. e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise +illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the +entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated +by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option +of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by the +aforementioned agreement between the parties. + The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, +the following steps: + 1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at +his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of +elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party +of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, this point +being non-negotiable. + 2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb) +becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party of +the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of the +second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local +and federal statutes. + 3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first +part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of +the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a manner +consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of this +self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a +clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. + Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party +of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the +objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the fifth +part, also known as "Partnership." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The Lawyer's Motto: + "Insofar as manifestations of functional deficiencies are agreed by any and +all concerned parties to be imperceivable, and are so stipulated, it is +incumbent upon said heretofore mentioned parties to exercise the deferment of +otherwise pertinent maintenance procedures." + +In Other Words: + "If it ain't broke, don't fix it." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A doctor, an engineer, and a lawyer go out hunting in the woods one day. +Each of them brings along his hunting dog, and they spend most of the morning +arguing about which of the dogs is the smartest. Early in the afternoon, they +discover a clearing in the forest. In the middle of the clearing is a large +pile of animal bones. + Seeing the bones, the doctor turns to the others and says, "I'm going to +prove to you two that my dog is the smartest. Watch this!" He then calls his +dog over and says, "Bones! See the bones? Go get 'em!" The dog rushes over to +the pile, rummages around for a bit, and then proceeds to build a replica of the +human skeleton, perfect down to the last detail. The doctor grins smugly; after +all, his dog has just build a *human* skeleton from *animal* bones. + The engineer, however, is totally unimpressed. "That's nothing," he says. +"Watch this." He calls his dog over, and points out the pile. "Bones! Get the +bones!" The dog rushes over, tears down the skeleton, and in its place builds a +perfect replica of the Eiffel Tower. It even has a little French flag waving at +the top. The doctor is forced to agree that the engineer's dog is, in fact, +smarter than his own. + The lawyer, however, is still not impressed. "My dog is smarter," he says. +"Watch." He then calls his dog over, points to the pile, and says simply +"Bones." The dog rushes over to the pile, tears down the tower, eats half the +bones, buries the other half, screws the other two dogs, and takes the rest of +the afternoon off. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Two lawyers made a date to have lunch together. The first person showed up +on time, but the second person didn't show until 1-1/2 hours after they were +supposed to meet... + 1st lawyer: "How come you're so late?" + 2nd lawyer: "Oh, I ran over a milk bottle and got a flat tire.." + 1st lawyer: "A milk bottle? Didn't you see it in the road?" + 2nd lawyer: "No - the kid had it under his coat..." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS + +1300. 01 GENERAL + +1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest +attorneys. + +2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of +currency as bait is prohibited. + +3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, +remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash. + +4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, +helicopter, or aircraft. + +5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for +the purpose of trapping attorneys. + +6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships. + +7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or +vehicle accidents to attract attorneys. + +8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law +libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals. + +9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to +hunt, trap, or possess it. + +10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection +for AIDS, rabies, and vermin. + +11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug +dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax +accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys. + +BAG LIMITS + + 1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2 + 2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1 + 3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4 + 4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3 + 5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2 + 6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT + 7. Cut-throat 2 + 8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2 + 9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2 +10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY +11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7 + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Ben Dover + And +C. Howlett Fields + +Attorneys At Law + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Legal business card: + +Dewey, Cheatham, & Howe +Attorneys at Law + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is +that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own +pockets. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you +serve lawyers here?". "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. +"Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling +the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a +lawyer milking the cow. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator, it +would be a good idea to just leave them there. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What is brown and black and looks good on a lawyer? +A doberman. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There was a young man shipwrecked on an island. He found a magic lamp on the +shore one day, picked it up and rubbed it. A Genie appeared. However, he was +not a typical Genie, he was an attorney Genie. When the Genie told the man he +was also an attorney the man laughed and said, "Oh come on, Genies can't be +attorneys too!" The Genie said he would prove it. He told the man to make his +three wishes, but on one condition, for every wish he made, all attorneys were +granted DOUBLE of what the man wished for. The man pondered the offer and +decided that something was better than nothing and decided his three wishes. "My +first wish is for 1 million dollars". The Genie reminded the man that he would +grant the wish, but all attorneys would get double that amount. The man agreed +and then made his second wish. "My second wish is for a beautiful blonde with +blue eyes." Once again the Genie granted the wish and also granted all +attorneys with two of the blonde eyed babe. The Genie announced that the man +had one more wish and to consider his choice carefully. The man thought for a +moment. Suddenly he drew the Genie's attention to a piece of driftwood lying on +the beach. He told the Genie: "For my next wish, please pick up that piece of +driftwood and beat me HALF to death!!!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While +several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the +customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their +wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something +in lawyer number two's hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, +"What is this?", to which lawyer number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A lawyer was trying to console a weeping widow. Her husband had passed away +without a will. "Did the deceased have any last words?" asked the lawyer. "You +mean *right* before he died?" sobbed the widow. "Yes," replied the lawyer. +"They might be helpful if it's not too painful for you to recall." "Well," she +began, "he said "Don't try to scare me! You couldn't hit the broad side of a +barn with that gun." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the difference between a porcupine and two lawyers in a Porsche? +With a porcupine, the pricks are on the outside! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Man goes goes to lawyer for help - +Man: "What is your least expensive fee?" +Lawyer: "$50 for three questions." +Man: "That's pretty expensive isn't it?" +Lawyer: "Yes. So what's your third question" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? +He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Why didn't the doctor (any other profession) pay the rent on his outhouse? +He didn't like the lawyer living downstairs. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work. + The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. You +open them up and everything inside is numbered." + The second one said, "I think librarians are easiest to operate on. You +open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order." + The third one said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up +and everything inside is color-coded." + The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless, +spineless, gutless, and their head and their ass are interchangeable." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Dear Prospective Employer: + +I am a starving student on the 1993 production line at Harvard Law Factory. A +recent examination of my aspirations has convinced me that I must eat in the +years to come. The exorbitant sums paid by most legal factories to summer +associates fit in well with the modest goals I have set for myself. Feel +assured that I understand the responsibilities incumbent upon a summer associate +at your firm. I am not at all squeamish about milking our powerful corporate +clients of their every last cent by providing legal services of the calibre +necessary to defeat well-founded claims by victims caught in the corporate vice. +I have learned much at Hahvahd. I can promise that such human foibles as pity +will never interfere with my willingness to stretch the innocent on the rack of +legal trickery for the good of the client and its share-holders. + +Although my parents lost their fortune in the 1987 stock market crash, we have +managed to retain our insultingly extravagant La Jolla mansion by means of lies +and trickery. I have gained a deep admiration for conspicuous consumption and +hope to become an expert in the practice. If I may quote the Bible, "You cannot +serve both God and Mammon." (Matt. 6:24). So why bother serving God? + +I would be delighted to discuss further my background in a personal interview. +I am satisfied by my ability to demonstrate the amorality needed to be a +successful attorney, and the hunger needed to be a successful and profitable +hour biller with your factory. I appreciate the time spent reading this form +letter and my "you've seen it all before" resume. I look forward to receiving a +form letter with good news from you soon! + +Desperately, but cocksurely, + +Jack Meoff, Jr. +enclosure + JACK MEOFF, JR. + +School Residence Family Residence +666 Brattle St., #14 99 Oversight Dr. +Cambridge, MA 02138 La Jolla, CA 92123 +(617) 123-4567 (714) 321-9999 + +EDUCATION + +HARVARD LAW FACTORY. Juris Doctor will be awarded May, 1993. + Grade Point Average: 3. 93/4. 00 + *Christopher Columbus Langell Scholar + *Staff Member (redundant, huh?) Harvard Review + *Founder, CRAP in '92 (Committee to Re-elect America's President) + +DARTMOUTH COLLEGE. Bachelor of Science, summa cum laude, awarded 1990. + Grade Point Average: 3. 97/4. 00Class Rank: 3/1245 + Major: Economic Assumptions Minor: Business Antics + *Senior Thesis: "The Rich: How to Keep them that Way" + *Editor-in-chief, "The Dartmouth Review" + *President, Future Fascists of America + +EXPERIENCE + +WICHITA MUNICIPAL JAIL +Conspirator, Operation Rescue, 1991 + *Deprived numerous U. S. Citizens of their civil rights + *Endured three nights of detention for flouting U. S. District Judge + Patrick Kelly's injunction encouraging infanticide + +SILVERADO SAVINGS AND LOAN +Personal Assistant, Office of Mr. Neil Bush, 1990 + *Rubber-stamped numberless unsecured loans to family friends + *Hid under rock with "sensitive" files when federal inspectors visited + +EXXON CORPORATION +Intern, Legal Department, 1989 + *Collaborated in escape from liability for Exxon Valdez spill + *Advised that Capt. Hazelwood be publicly pilloried as drunk culprit + +UNITED STATES SENATE +Intern, Office of the Honorable Jesse Helms, 1988 + *Authored bill to mandate a return to the values of the Middle Ages + *Rigged spring-guns to "delay" Anti-life protesters at door + *Bullshit official positions to constituents + +INTERESTS + + *Money + *Wealth + *Riches + *Treasure Trove + +REFERENCES + +Available for a modest fee + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Malborn sat in his attorney's office. + "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said. + "Give me the bad news first." + "Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars." + "That's the bad news?" aslked Malborn incredulously. "I can't wait to hear +the terrible news." + "The terrible news is that it's of you and your secretary." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor and Clergyman at his bed side and handed +each of them an envelop containing $25,000 in cash. He made them each promise +that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelops +in his coffin. He told them that he wanted to have enough money to enjoy the +next life. A week later the man died. At the Wake, the Lawyer and Doctor and +Clergyman, each concealed an envelop in the coffin and bid their old client and +friend farewell. By chance, these three met several months later. Soon the +Clergyman, feeling guilty, blurted out a confession saying that there was only +$10,000 in the envelop he placed in the coffin. He felt, rather than waste all +the money, he would send it to a Mission in South America. He asked for their +forgiveness. The Doctor, moved by the gentle Clergymans sincerity, confessed +that he too had kept some of the money for a worthy medical charity. The +envelop, he admitted, had only $8000 in it. He said, he too could not bring +himself to waste the money so frivolously when it could be used to benefit +others. By this time the Lawyer was seething with self-righteous outrage. He +expressed his deep disappointment in the felonious behavior of two of his oldest +and most trusted friends. I am the only one who kept his promise to our dying +friend. I want you both to know that the envelop I placed in the coffin +contained the full amount. Indeed, my envelop contained my personal check for +the entire $25,000. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A great line by Danny de Vito in Other People's Money: + Of course I've got lawyers. They are like nuclear weapons: I've got em coz +everyone else has. But as soon as you use them they fuck everything up. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the +avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady +walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give +$50.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young +lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on +that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his +companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment. The +following morning, the man presented her with $25. 00 as he prepared to leave. +She demanded the rest of the money, stating: "If you don't give me the other +$25.00, I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying: "I'd like to see you get it +on these grounds." + The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his +presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and +explained the details of the case. His lawyer said: "She can't possibly get a +judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her +case will be presented." + After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as +follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, +a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she +agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of +$50.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for +the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid +only $25.00, one-half the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since +it is restricted property, and we ask judgement be granted against the defendant +to assure payment of the balance." The defendant's lawyer was impressed and +amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore, +was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your +honor," he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, +that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived +from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around +which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor +performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were +sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately +compensated for rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgement not +be granted." The young lady's lawyer answered thusly: "Your honor, my client +agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the +defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the +property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, +pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only +dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than +it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to +others. We, therefore, ask that judgement be granted." + And it was. She won the case... + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + "You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent. + "And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition. + Banging his gavel sharply, His Honor interrupted: "All right, now that both +attorneys have been identified, let's get on with this case." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A lawyer is driving his new, red, convertible BMW when he runs a red light and +is broad-sided by a Ford. He stumbles out in shock, all the while whining "My +Beemer. My poor Beemer". A cop arrives on the scene and points out "Sir, your +arm has been torn off". The lawyer looks at where his left arm used to be and +screams "MY ROLEX!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Harry Bender: Imagine the appeals, dissents and remandments, If lawyers had +written 'The Ten Commandments' + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Lawyer: Did you say the plaintiff was shot in the woods? +Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + In the middle of the night, in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly +cross over the white line in the center of the road. They collide and a fair +amount of damage is done, although neither is hurt. It is impossible to assess +blame for the accident on either however. + They both get out. One is a doctor and the other is a lawyer. The lawyer +calls the police on his car phone; they'll be there in 20 minutes. + It's cold and damp, and both men are shaken up. The laywer offers the doctor +a drink of brandy from his hip flask, the doctor accepts, drinks and hands it +back to the lawyer, who puts it away. + "Aren't you also going to have a drink?" the doctor says. + "AFTER the police get here." replies the lawyer. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Sam Cohen, father of 3 and faithful husband for over 40 years, unexpectedly +drops dead one day. His lawyer informs his widow that Stu Schwartz, Sam's best +friend since childhood, is to be executor of the will. The day comes to divide +Sam's earthly possessions, over a million dollars' worth. In front of Sam's +family, Stu reads the will: + "Stu, if you're reading this, then I must be dead. You've were such a good +friend for so long, how can I ignore you in this will? On the other hand, there +are my beloved Sophie and my children to be looked after. Stu, I know you can +make sure my family is taken care of properly. So Stu, give what you want to +her and take the rest for yourself." Stu then looks at the survivors and tells +them that, in accordance with Sam's instructions, Stu will give fifty thousand +dollars to Sam's widow. The rest he is retaining for himself. + The family is beside itself. "This is impossible! Forty years of marriage +and then *this*?! It can't be!" So the family sues. Their day in court +arrives, and after testimony from both sides, the judge gives his verdict: "To +Stuart Schwartz, I award fifty thousand dollars of the contested money. The +remainder shall go to Sophie Cohen, widow of the deceased." Needless to say, +the family is elated, but Stu is dumbfound. "Your honor, how can you do this? +The will made Sam's wishes quite clear: 'Give what you want to her and take the +rest for yourself!' I wanted the lion's share! What gives?" + The judge answered back, "Mr. Schwartz, Sam Cohen knew you his whole life. +He wanted to give you something in gratitude. He also wanted to see his family +taken care of. So he drew up his will accordingly. But you misread his +instructions. You see, Sam knew just what kind of a person you are, so with his +family's interest in mind, he didn't say, "give what you want to her and keep +the rest for yourself.' No. What Sam said was, "Give what YOU want to HER; and +keep the rest for yourself." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + The October 8, 1990 issue of Fortune has picked up on a small story which +appeared in the Los Angeles Times. + As best as I remember, there was a lawyer who got caught three times in an +alleged speed trap. He sued the city under RICO (Racketeering Influence and +Corruption) statutes. Part of the allegation is that the city set the speed +limit without reviewing the traffic patterns every 5 years. + A judge ruled that the city could be sued under RICO. + I doubt that this is what they had in mind when Congress passed the RICO +statutes. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see +walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking +along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" +and then he would swerve back on the road. This pasttime was immensely +enjoyable to the truck driver. + One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking, +so he thought he would do a good turn by offering the priest a lift. He pulled +the truck over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" + "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!" replied the priest. + "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." + With that, the happy priest climbed into the passenger seat, and the truck +driver continued down the road. + Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road, and +instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest +in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, +narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he missed the +lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". + Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors, and +when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, +Father. I almost hit that lawyer." + "That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + About 1900, a very respectable Western lawyer was filing some insurance +papers when he came to the question: "If your father is dead, state the cause." +Unwilling to reveal that his father had been hanged for cattle rustling, the +lawyer evaded the problem by answering this way: "He died while taking part in a +public ceremony when the platform gave way." + After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He +was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had +arrived to see him. + "Show him right in!" our lawyer replied. + As Mr. Jones was being ushered in, our lawyer had an idea. He quickly picks +up the phone and shouts into it "And you tell them that we won't accept less +then fifty thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that +amount!" + Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones; "Good Morning, Mr. +Jones, what can I do for you?" + "I'm from the phone company" Mr. Jones replied, "I'm here to connect your +phone." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? +When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore... + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Experts are people who know a great deal about very little and who go along +learning more and more about less and less until they know practically +everything about nothing. + Lawyers, on the other hand, are people who know very little about many things +and keep learning less and less about more and more until they know practically +nothing about everything. + Judges are people who start out knowing everything about everything but end +up knowing nothing about anything because of their constant association with +experts and lawyers. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? +The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A very good man dies, and as a reward for a life well-spent, goes to heaven. +When he arrives, St. Peter meets him at the gate. + "Welcome," says St. Peter, "since you were such a good person in life, you +may enter heaven." + "Thank you," said the man. "But before I come in, could you tell me what +kind of other people are here?" + "Well, all kinds," replied St. Peter. + "Are there any convicted criminals in heaven?" asked the man. + "Yes, some," said St. Peter. + "Are there any communists in heaven?" asked the man. + "Yes, there are," replied St. Peter. + "Are there any Nazis in heaven? Asked the man. + "Just a few," said St. Peter. + "Well, are there any lawyers in heaven?" asked the man. + St. Peter replied "What, and ruin it for everyone else?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A mobster was on trial, facing a possible life sentence, but his lawyer +bribed a juror to hold out for a lesser charge. After hours of deliberation, +the jury returned a verdict carrying a maximum of ten years in prison. + Afterward, the lawyer approached the juror. "You had me so worried! When +the jury was out so long, I was afraid you couldn't pull it off." + "I was worried too!" answered the juror. "The others all wanted to acquit +him!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Two prisoners are talking about their crimes: + George: "I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years." + Herman: "Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days." + George: "*WHAT*??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 +days???" + Herman: "Yeah, it was a lawyer." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A redundancy in wording: Criminal Lawyers + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + The temperature control in Hell went haywire and the heat started to make +even the condition in Heaven uncomfortable. St. Peter got Satan on the horn +and yelled, "You'd better fix that immediately or I'll sue." + On hearing that, Satan chuckled, "Oh yeah, how? I have all the lawyers down +here. And besides, how can fix it when you have all the good engineers?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech? +A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the difference between baseball and law? +In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Star Trek Lawyer Joke + +Dr. McCoy was involved in a shuttle craft accident and he was left trapped +inside the damaged ship. While Captain Kirk was waiting for the emergency crews +to free his comrade he pounded on the ship and shouted, "Bones, Bones! Do you +think your alright? Are you badly hurt?" To which Dr. McCoy replied, "Damn it, +Jim! How should I know? I'm a doctor, I'm not a lawyer!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A Farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. +The Attorney asked "May I help you?". +The Farmer said "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's." +The Attorney said "Do you have any grounds?" +The Farmer said "Yea, I got about 140 acres." +The Attorney said "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" +The Farmer said "No, I got a John Deere." +The Attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" +The Farmer said, "Yeh, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." +The Attorney said "No Sir, I mean do you have a suit?" +The Farmer said, "Yes Sir, I got a suit, I wear it to Church ever' Sunday." +The Attorney said, "Well Sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" +The Farmer said, "No Sir, we both get up at 4:30 A.M. together." +The Attorney then said, "Well is she a nagger or anything?" +The Farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last kid was a nagger +and that's why I want this Dayvorce!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Marlene T. Sipes, a Columbia S.C. lawyer, was suspended for a year in March by +the state supreme court on charges that she pocketed $1,819 in 1986 from her +daughter's Girl Scout troop cookie fund. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but +my lawyer thinks he can get me five. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the strongest argument against both theories of origin? +Politicians and lawyers. +Who in their right mind would create (or evolve into) these species? + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers? +- Calvin Trillin + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of +them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? +Never enough. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? +No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +4 out of 5 doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted island with no +lawyers, they wouldn't need ANY aspirin. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A mature woman was in the pastorial study counseling for her upcoming fourth +wedding. + "Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?" + "My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot +be." + "Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do +was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it +tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this +time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic +car accident ended their lives. + When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to +be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still +desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have +to wait. + It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They +were married in a simple ceremony. + So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, +that eternity was best not spent together. + They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy forever, +but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we +can get divorced?" + "Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a +priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +On CNN: The outlook for the economy is so bad that the mob in New Jersey just +laid off 3 judges. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of +having a wife or a mistress. + The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want +a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems. + The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security +lowers your stress and is good for your health. + The mathematician says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that +when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're +with your wife, you can do some mathematics. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer30.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer30.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..6f7c4d7 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer30.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +What are lawyers good for? +- They make used car salesmen look good. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer300.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer300.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..8803810 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer300.txt @@ -0,0 +1,29 @@ + + Sam Cohen, father of 3 and faithful husband for over 40 years, unexpectedly +drops dead one day. His lawyer informs his widow that Stu Schwartz, Sam's best +friend since childhood, is to be executor of the will. The day comes to divide +Sam's earthly possessions, over a million dollars' worth. In front of Sam's +family, Stu reads the will: + "Stu, if you're reading this, then I must be dead. You've were such a good +friend for so long, how can I ignore you in this will? On the other hand, there +are my beloved Sophie and my children to be looked after. Stu, I know you can +make sure my family is taken care of properly. So Stu, give what you want to +her and take the rest for yourself." Stu then looks at the survivors and tells +them that, in accordance with Sam's instructions, Stu will give fifty thousand +dollars to Sam's widow. The rest he is retaining for himself. + The family is beside itself. "This is impossible! Forty years of marriage +and then *this*?! It can't be!" So the family sues. Their day in court +arrives, and after testimony from both sides, the judge gives his verdict: "To +Stuart Schwartz, I award fifty thousand dollars of the contested money. The +remainder shall go to Sophie Cohen, widow of the deceased." Needless to say, +the family is elated, but Stu is dumbfound. "Your honor, how can you do this? +The will made Sam's wishes quite clear: 'Give what you want to her and take the +rest for yourself!' I wanted the lion's share! What gives?" + The judge answered back, "Mr. Schwartz, Sam Cohen knew you his whole life. +He wanted to give you something in gratitude. He also wanted to see his family +taken care of. So he drew up his will accordingly. But you misread his +instructions. You see, Sam knew just what kind of a person you are, so with his +family's interest in mind, he didn't say, "give what you want to her and keep +the rest for yourself.' No. What Sam said was, "Give what YOU want to HER; and +keep the rest for yourself." + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer301.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer301.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..6cf9ad0 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer301.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + + The October 8, 1990 issue of Fortune has picked up on a small story which +appeared in the Los Angeles Times. + As best as I remember, there was a lawyer who got caught three times in an +alleged speed trap. He sued the city under RICO (Racketeering Influence and +Corruption) statutes. Part of the allegation is that the city set the speed +limit without reviewing the traffic patterns every 5 years. + A judge ruled that the city could be sued under RICO. + I doubt that this is what they had in mind when Congress passed the RICO +statutes. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer302.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer302.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..cfe90d1 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer302.txt @@ -0,0 +1,23 @@ + + A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see +walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking +along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" +and then he would swerve back on the road. This pasttime was immensely +enjoyable to the truck driver. + One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking, +so he thought he would do a good turn by offering the priest a lift. He pulled +the truck over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" + "I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road!" replied the priest. + "No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck." + With that, the happy priest climbed into the passenger seat, and the truck +driver continued down the road. + Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road, and +instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest +in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, +narrowly missing the lawyer. However, even though he was certain he missed the +lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD". + Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors, and +when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and said, "I'm sorry, +Father. I almost hit that lawyer." + "That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer304.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer304.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1c87948 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer304.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +How do you know when your divorce is getting ugly? +When your lawyer doesn't seem like a bloodsucking leech anymore... + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer305.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer305.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..8da9e8a --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer305.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + + Experts are people who know a great deal about very little and who go along +learning more and more about less and less until they know practically +everything about nothing. + Lawyers, on the other hand, are people who know very little about many things +and keep learning less and less about more and more until they know practically +nothing about everything. + Judges are people who start out knowing everything about everything but end +up knowing nothing about anything because of their constant association with +experts and lawyers. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer306.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer306.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1545981 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer306.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture? +The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer307.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer307.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..2f10510 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer307.txt @@ -0,0 +1,17 @@ + + A very good man dies, and as a reward for a life well-spent, goes to heaven. +When he arrives, St. Peter meets him at the gate. + "Welcome," says St. Peter, "since you were such a good person in life, you +may enter heaven." + "Thank you," said the man. "But before I come in, could you tell me what +kind of other people are here?" + "Well, all kinds," replied St. Peter. + "Are there any convicted criminals in heaven?" asked the man. + "Yes, some," said St. Peter. + "Are there any communists in heaven?" asked the man. + "Yes, there are," replied St. Peter. + "Are there any Nazis in heaven? Asked the man. + "Just a few," said St. Peter. + "Well, are there any lawyers in heaven?" asked the man. + St. Peter replied "What, and ruin it for everyone else?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer308.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer308.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..041f7ef --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer308.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ + + A mobster was on trial, facing a possible life sentence, but his lawyer +bribed a juror to hold out for a lesser charge. After hours of deliberation, +the jury returned a verdict carrying a maximum of ten years in prison. + Afterward, the lawyer approached the juror. "You had me so worried! When +the jury was out so long, I was afraid you couldn't pull it off." + "I was worried too!" answered the juror. "The others all wanted to acquit +him!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer309.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer309.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d5da5cd --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer309.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ + + Two prisoners are talking about their crimes: + George: "I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years." + Herman: "Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days." + George: "*WHAT*??? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 +days???" + Herman: "Yeah, it was a lawyer." + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer31.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer31.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..6f27246 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer31.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +What's black and brown and looks good on a lawyer? +- A doberman pinscher. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer310.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer310.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b99b12c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer310.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ + +A redundancy in wording: Criminal Lawyers + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer311.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer311.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f6c5aa9 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer311.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + + The temperature control in Hell went haywire and the heat started to make +even the condition in Heaven uncomfortable. St. Peter got Satan on the horn +and yelled, "You'd better fix that immediately or I'll sue." + On hearing that, Satan chuckled, "Oh yeah, how? I have all the lawyers down +here. And besides, how can fix it when you have all the good engineers?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer312.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer312.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a8451f1 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer312.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech? +A leech will let go and drop off when its victim dies. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer314.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer314.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..bbdb3f2 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer314.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ + +Star Trek Lawyer Joke + +Dr. McCoy was involved in a shuttle craft accident and he was left trapped +inside the damaged ship. While Captain Kirk was waiting for the emergency crews +to free his comrade he pounded on the ship and shouted, "Bones, Bones! Do you +think your alright? Are you badly hurt?" To which Dr. McCoy replied, "Damn it, +Jim! How should I know? I'm a doctor, I'm not a lawyer!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer315.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer315.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1f953c4 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer315.txt @@ -0,0 +1,18 @@ + +A Farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. +The Attorney asked "May I help you?". +The Farmer said "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's." +The Attorney said "Do you have any grounds?" +The Farmer said "Yea, I got about 140 acres." +The Attorney said "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" +The Farmer said "No, I got a John Deere." +The Attorney said, "No, you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" +The Farmer said, "Yeh, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." +The Attorney said "No Sir, I mean do you have a suit?" +The Farmer said, "Yes Sir, I got a suit, I wear it to Church ever' Sunday." +The Attorney said, "Well Sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?" +The Farmer said, "No Sir, we both get up at 4:30 A.M. together." +The Attorney then said, "Well is she a nagger or anything?" +The Farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last kid was a nagger +and that's why I want this Dayvorce!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer316.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer316.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..05fd394 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer316.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ + +Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer317.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer317.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f1a76f5 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer317.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +Marlene T. Sipes, a Columbia S.C. lawyer, was suspended for a year in March by +the state supreme court on charges that she pocketed $1,819 in 1986 from her +daughter's Girl Scout troop cookie fund. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer318.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer318.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5c8470f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer318.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but +my lawyer thinks he can get me five. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer319.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer319.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..520c966 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer319.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +What's the strongest argument against both theories of origin? +Politicians and lawyers. +Who in their right mind would create (or evolve into) these species? + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer32.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer32.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f90fe9a --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer32.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +What did the lawyer name his daughter? +- Sue. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer320.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer320.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..ede0d1c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer320.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many lawyers? +- Calvin Trillin + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer321.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer321.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0add56a --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer321.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of +them, would you go to lunch or read the paper? + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer322.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer322.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..50fca74 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer322.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? +Never enough. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer324.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer324.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..682688d --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer324.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +4 out of 5 doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted island with no +lawyers, they wouldn't need ANY aspirin. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer325.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer325.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..fdf3315 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer325.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + + A mature woman was in the pastorial study counseling for her upcoming fourth +wedding. + "Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?" + "My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot +be." + "Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do +was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it +tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this +time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed." + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer326.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer326.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a0a7143 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer326.txt @@ -0,0 +1,17 @@ + + It seems that a devout, good couple was about to get married, but a tragic +car accident ended their lives. + When they got to heaven, they asked St. Peter if he could arrange for them to +be married, saying that it was what they had hoped for in life, and they still +desired wedded union. He thought about it and agreed, but said they would have +to wait. + It was almost one hundred years later when St. Peter sent for them. They +were married in a simple ceremony. + So things went on, for thirty years or so, but they determined, in this time, +that eternity was best not spent together. + They went back to St. Peter, and said, "We thought we would be happy forever, +but now we believe that we have irreconcilable differences. Is there any way we +can get divorced?" + "Are you kidding?" said St. Peter. "It took me a hundred years to get a +priest up here to marry you. I'll never get a lawyer!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer327.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer327.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..93fd44d --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer327.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +On CNN: The outlook for the economy is so bad that the mob in New Jersey just +laid off 3 judges. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer328.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer328.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d4a1f79 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer328.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + + A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of +having a wife or a mistress. + The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want +a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems. + The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security +lowers your stress and is good for your health. + The mathematician says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that +when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're +with your wife, you can do some mathematics. + diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer34.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer34.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..2ebbcb8 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer34.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +How do you save a drowning lawyer? +- Take your foot off his head. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer35.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer35.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..6acdff0 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer35.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? +- A good start. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer36.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer36.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1874c99 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer36.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +What is the first thing you should do if you find a lawyer buried up to his +neck in cement? +- Get more cement. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer37.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer37.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a5b3d46 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer37.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Why do they bury lawyers 20 feet deep after they die? +- Because deep,deep, deep down, they are really nice people. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer38.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer38.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..49fa397 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer38.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him? +- It might be your bicycle. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer39.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer39.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..02fae75 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer39.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking +down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar +bill. Who gets it? +- The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer4.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer4.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7e8c3b4 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer4.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +- LAWYER, n. Someone who prepares a 10,000-word document and calls it a +brief. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer40.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer40.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..772eabd --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer40.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +How do you know if a lawyer is cold? +- He has his hands in his own pockets. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer41.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer41.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..ba461bb --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer41.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +What is the definition of a "shame" (as in "that's a shame")? +- When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer42.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer42.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1434d49 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer42.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +What is the definition of a "crying shame"? +- There was an empty seat. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer44.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer44.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b4bc076 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer44.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +What do call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? +- Your Honor diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer45.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer45.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..bcd991a --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer45.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers? +- Skeet diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer46.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer46.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d6a3fa2 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer46.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? +- Cut the rope diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer47.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer47.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..ea3a84b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer47.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung? +- Check the knot in the rope diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer48.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer48.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f69b86b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer48.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? +- You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer49.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer49.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1b1646c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer49.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +How do you tell if a lawyer is actually dead? +- Hold out your wallet. (but don't be fooled: a slight, residual spasmodic +clutching action may occur even hours after death has occurred) diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer5.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer5.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7924843 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer5.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +- I take an instant dislike to lawyers. It saves a lot of time. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer50.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer50.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..3b6fe04 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer50.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Why won't a shark attack a lawyer swimming in the ocean? +- Professional Courtesy diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer51.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer51.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a7d51d3 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer51.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and New York all the +lawyers? +- New Jersey had first pick. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer52.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer52.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..dd12da8 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer52.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +Did you hear about the lion walking through the woods eating deer droppings? diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer54.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer54.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..85d2bd2 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer54.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +A lawyer realized he had a frog growing on his shoulder. He went to a +doctor. Upon removing his shirt, he was asked by the doctor, "My god, how +long have you had that?" Before he could respond, though, the frog spoke up, +"It started out as a wart on my butt!" diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer55.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer55.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..300be02 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer55.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +A lawyer is walking down the street, and he accidently steps in a pile of +dogshit. A few seconds later he happens to be looking down at his feet, and +he notices it dripping from his shoe. +He screams, "Aaahhhh! I'm melting!" diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer56.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer56.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..72258ac --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer56.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +"How is it you can't get a lawyer to defend you?" the judge asked the +prisoner. +"Well, Yer Honor, it's like this...as soon as those lawyers found out I +didn't steal the money, they wouldn't have anything to do with me." diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer57.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer57.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f695b1b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer57.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said "I'm +here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by +the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." +"That's quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I'm here because my house +and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company +also paid for everything." The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you +start a flood?", he asked. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer58.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer58.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..71e396c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer58.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +Three surgeons were talking together. The first one said: "For my money, the +best of all possible patients are German people. All of their parts are +numbered, so it's easy to take them apart and put them back together. "The +second surgeon pipes up: "No, the best patients for surgery are Japanese +people. All of their parts are color-coded." diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer59.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer59.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1a8ace1 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer59.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +Surgeon number three then says, "I think the best patients for surgery are +attorneys. They have only two parts, an asshole and a mouth, and they're +interchangable." diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer6.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer6.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b655673 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer6.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +- Two very rich people got divorced, and their lawyers lived happily ever +after. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer60.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer60.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e53fefa --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer60.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange +some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. +Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four +months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in +return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's +souls rot in hell for eternity." +The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?", he asked. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer61.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer61.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..84bfeeb --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer61.txt @@ -0,0 +1,19 @@ +As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that +would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. +He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and +his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash +before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so +that I can try to take it with me." +All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each +approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in +the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess +something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, +and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The Church needed a new +baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought +one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin." +The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I +might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin +either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had +this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it +then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able +to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that." diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer62.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer62.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..885687a --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer62.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope +into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000." diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer64.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer64.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..93741a4 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer64.txt @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ +A man walked into an antique shop looking for something unusual. In a dusty +corner he found a brass statue of a rat. It was very unusual so he asked the +shopkeeper how much he wanted for it. +"$50 for the statue and $1,000 for the story behind it." "I don't need any +story," the man said as he handed over $50, took the rat, got in his car and +headed for home. He stopped at a stop light and noticed rats were pouring +out of all the buildings and sewer grates around him and were heading for +his car. The light changed and he sped off but when he looked in his rear +view mirror he saw a huge horde of rats racing after him. He drove as fast +as he could to the beach, jumped out of his car and hurled the statue as far +out into the ocean as he could. The horde of rats ran past him and every one +of them leaped into the ocean after the statue and they all drowned. The man +drove back to the antique store and when he walked in the shopkeeper said, +"I knew you'd be back for the story!" +"To hell with the story, I came back to see if you have a statue of a +lawyer!" diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer65.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer65.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d85ff17 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer65.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +The receptionist at the lawyers office answers her phone, "Johnson and +Lewis, attorneys at law.""Let me speak with Mr. Johnson please," said the +caller. "I'm sorry, Mr. Johnson passed away last night," replied the +receptionist. A few minutes later, she receives another call from what +sounds like the same caller. "May I speak with Mr. Johnson please?" "I'm +sorry, sir, but Mr. Johnson died last night." When the phone rings for the +third time, the receptionist hears the same voice. "May I speak with Mr. +Johnson please?" "Sir, I don't know what you're up to, but I recognize your +voice and I've already told you twice that Mr. Johnson died last night!" +snapped the receptionist. "I know, I'm sorry, I can't help myself," said the +caller, "I just love hearing you say it over and over again." diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer66.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer66.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..70484ce --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer66.txt @@ -0,0 +1,18 @@ +Sammy came home from first grade with his first homework assignment, which +was to find the answer to "what is 2 + 2?". He went to his father first +because he was a mathematician. His dad said, "That seems to be from the +theory of small sets, which I haven't used in a long time. I suspect that +the answer is greater than 3, and will not exceed 5, even for extremely +large values of 2. I'll write it in Fortran and run it through the computer +at the college in the morning." Sammy shook his head and went outside to +think. His neighbor, an internist, was working in the yard. Sammy went over +and asked, "Dr. Smith, what is 2 + 2?" Smith thought a while and then said, +"I think it is 4, but we should run some tests first. Can you make an +appointment to see me at the office tommorrow and don't forget to bring your +HMO card." Sammy wasn't satisfied and he walked over to the other neighbor's +house, where Mr. Jones, a lawyer, was washing his BMW. Sammy said, "Mr. +Jones, what is 2 + 2?" Jones said, "My boy, since you are my little friend +and neighbor, I will waive my usual consultation fee, this is strictly Pro +Bono. But, be assured that justice will be served and the rights of the +citizen to know the value of 2 + 2 will be upheld". Then he knelt down and +wispered in Sammy's ear. "Sammy, what would you like it to be?" diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer67.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer67.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..8c69fe4 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer67.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +As the lawyer slowly came out of the anesthetic after surgery, he said, "Why +are all the blinds drawn, doctor?" "There's a big fire across the street," +the doctor replied, "We didn't want you to think the operation was a +failure." diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer68.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer68.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..84c29ee --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer68.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ +The old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his +lawyer. "I want to become a lawyer. How much is it for that express degree +you told me about?" "It's $50,000", the lawyer said, "But why? You'll be +dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?" "That's my business! Get me +the course!" Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was +at his bedside making sure his bill would be paid. Suddenly the old man was +racked with fits of coughing, and it was clear that this would be the end. +Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said, "Please, before it's too +late, tell me why you wanted to get a law degree so badly before you died?" +In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said: "One less +lawyer". diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer69.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer69.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1357b44 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer69.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ +A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of +eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate +conversation with a beautiful young woman. "What a ripoff," the man +muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend +it with a beautiful woman." Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the +escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?" diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer7.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer7.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..21a317f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer7.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +- Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer70.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer70.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c416639 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer70.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions +gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape. "It +ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25 between us." "I warned +you to stay clear of lawyers!", the boss screamed. "We had over $100 when we +broke in!" diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer71.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer71.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..998ac52 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer71.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ +A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time to +time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his +capture, and an enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down. After a +lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up +behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, +"You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your +brains out." But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't +speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and +translated the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in +Spanish, that the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina. +"What did he say?" asked the Ranger. The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get +lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare shoot me.'" diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer72.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer72.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..2947c60 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer72.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ +A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client who +had attended the trial was out of town when the jury came back with its +decision, which was for the lawyer and his client. The lawyer immediately +sent a telegram to his client, reading "Justice has triumphed!" The client +wired back, "Appeal at once!" diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer74.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer74.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b2e1958 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer74.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +Applying for a job, a new lawyer was asked if paying back his law school +tuition would be any special problem. He replied that he paid it back right +after his first case. When asked how he managed that, he said, "Well, my dad +sued me for it and won." diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer75.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer75.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..241c503 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer75.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped +in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers +are horses' asses." One of the locals spoke up on hearing this: "Mister, +you'd better watch what you say. You're in horse country." diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer76.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer76.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..59331d5 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer76.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously +desperate. He asked the man at the counter, "Is there a criminal attorney in +town?" The man replied, "Yes - but we can't prove it yet." diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer77.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer77.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..64ababd --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer77.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ +A 70 year old man was in the hospital awaiting news about the availability +of a heart for his transplant, when he was offered the heart of a 28 year +old marathon runner who just died in an accident. He turned that heart down. +The next day, he was offered a heart from a 35 year old construction worker, +who fell to his death. He did not accept that heart either. Several days +later he agreed to take the heart of a 50 year old lawyer. After the man +awoke from the surgery, they asked him why he turned down two perfectly good +hearts to select the one he did. His reply was, "I wanted one that had never +been used." diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer78.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer78.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..35e28df --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer78.txt @@ -0,0 +1,27 @@ +There was a young couple, very much in love, who the night before they were +to be married, were both tragically killed in an automobile accident. They +found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. +Peter. After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. +Peter aside and said, "St. Peter, my fiance and I are very happy to be in +heaven but we miss very much the opportunity to have celebrated our wedding +vows. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?" +St. Peter looked at them solemnly and said, "I tell you what, wait five +years and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about +it again." +Well five years went by, and the couple still very much wanting to get +married, came back. Again the St Peter said, "Please, you must wait another +five years and then I will consider your request." +Finally, they come before the St. Peter the third time, ten years after +their first request, and asked him again. This time he answered, "Yes, you +may marry. This Saturday at 2:00 p.m., we will have a beautiful ceremony in +the main chapel. The reception will be on me!" +The wedding went beautifully, all the guests thought the bride was +beautiful. Moses brought some flowers from the Nile River Delta and Ghandi +came wearing his finest hand-woven sari. But, you guessed it, the couple was +married but a few weeks when they realized they had made a horrible mistake, +they just couldn't stay married to one another. +So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty, this time to +ask if they could get a divorce in heaven. When the Lord heard their +request, he looked at them and said, "Look, it took us ten years to find a +priest up here in heaven; do you have any idea how long it'll take to find a +lawyer?" diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer8.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer8.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..6c90568 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer8.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +- Clothes don't necessarily make the man, but a good suit makes a lawyer. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer9.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer9.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9bc3e5c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyer9.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +- My lawyer introduces himself as a criminal lawyer. I think that's pretty +self-aware of him. diff --git a/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyers1.txt b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyers1.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..51a2c59 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/lawyer/lawyers1.txt @@ -0,0 +1,103 @@ + AAARGH! My Ribs!! + + Lawyer Jokes 1-20! + +The start of the short lawyer jokes. None of the below is intended to offend + anyone, except lawyers! + + ------------------------------------------------------------------------ + +1. +Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung? +A: You can't get a finger between the rope and his neck! + +2. +Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Attila the +Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do? +A: Shoot the lawyer twice. + +3. +Q: What do a lawyer and sperm have in common? +A: They both have a one in a million chance of being human. + +4. +Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? +A: A good start! + +5. +Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? +A: His lips are moving. + +6. +Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in +the road? +A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. + +7. +Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? +A: Professional courtesy. + +8. +Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? +A: Not enough sand. + +9. +Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? +A: Cut the rope. + +10. +Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? +A: Take your foot off his head. + +11. +Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer? +A: No? Good! + +12. +Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit? +A: The bucket. + +13. +Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? +A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff. + +14. +Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"? +A: There was an empty seat. + +15. +Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? +A: Stick his bill up his arse. + +16. +Q. Where can you find a good lawyer? +A. In the cemetery + +17. +Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? +A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time. + +18. +Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? +A. A vampire only sucks blood at night. + +19. +Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? +A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck +defiance. + +20. +Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? +A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. + + + +Back to Short jokes! + + ------------------------------------------------------------------------ + + Just want Home? Click Here! + + Or Lost Frames? Click Here! + + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math.ges b/ai/learn/math/math.ges new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d6c29a9 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math.ges @@ -0,0 +1,2651 @@ +Here are some math related jokes, etc., that I have found +on the net over the last several months. I have tried to +remove duplicates, but some similar items remain. + +Send comments, ideas, etc. via e-mail. + +Michael Cook +MLC@IBERIA.CCA.ROCKWELL.COM + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Why is the number 10 afraid of seven? + + -- because seven ate nine. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +We use epsilons and deltas in mathematics because mathematicians tend +to make errors. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's big, grey, and proves the uncountability of the reals? +Cantor's Diagonal Elephant! + +How can you tell that Harvard was layed out by a mathematician? +The div school [divinity school] is right next to the grad school... + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The Stanford Linear Accelerator Center was known as SLAC, until the +big earthquake, when it became known as SPLAC. + +SPLAC? Stanford Piecewise Linear Accelerator. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: How many topologists does it take to change a light bulb? +A: It really doesn't matter, since they'd rather knot. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A mathematician decides he wants to learn more about practical +problems. He sees a seminar with a nice title: "The Theory of Gears." +So he goes. The speaker stands up and begins, "The theory of gears +with a real number of teeth is well known ..." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A group of scientists were doing an investigation into problem-solving +techniques, and constructed an experiment involving a physicist, an +engineer, and a mathematician. + +The experimental apparatus consisted of a water spigot and two identical +pails, one of which was fastened to the ground ten feet from the spigot. + +Each of the subjects was given the second pail, empty, and told to fill the +pail on the ground. + +The physicist was the first subject: he carried his pail to the spigot, +filled it there, carried it full of water to the pail on the ground, and +poured the water into it. Standing back, he declared, "There: I have +solved the problem." + +The engineer and the mathematician each approached the problem similarly. +Upon finishing, the engineer noted that the solution was exact, since the +volumes of the pails were equal. The mathematician merely noted that he +had proven that a solution exists. + +Now, the experimenters altered the parameters of the task a bit: the pail +on the ground was still empty, but the subjects were presented with a pail +that was already half-filled with water. + +The physicist immediately carried his pail over to the one on the ground, +emptied the water into it, went back to the spigot, *filled* the pail, and +finally emptied the entire contents into the pail on the ground, +overflowing it and spilling some of the water. Upon finishing, he +commented that the problem should have been better stated. + +The engineer, in turn, thought for some time before going into action. He +then took his half-filled pail to the spigot, filled it to the brim, and +filled the pail on the ground from it. Again he noted that the problem had +an exact solution, which of course he had found. + +The mathematician thought for a long time before stirring. At last he +stood up, emptied his pail onto the ground, and declared, "The problem has +been reduced to one already solved." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Professor Dirac, a famous Applied Mathematician-Physicist, had a horse +shoe over his desk. One day a student asked if he really believed +that a horse shoe brought luck. Professor Dirac replied, "I +understand that it brings you luck if you believe in it or not." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +First of all let me make it clear that I have nothing against +contravariant functors. Some of my best friends are cohomology +theories! But now you aren't supposed to call them contravariant +anymore. It's Algebraically Correct to call them 'differently +arrowed'!! + +In the same way that transcendental numbers are polynomially +challenged? + +Manifolds are personifolds (humanifolds). + +Neighborhoods are neighbor victims of society. + +It's the Asian Remainder Theorem. + +It isn't PC to use "singularity" - the function is "convergently +challenged" there. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Why did the computer scientist die in the shower? +Because he read the instructions on the shampoo bottle, "Lather, +rinse, repeat." + +Why did the calculus student have so much trouble making Kool-Aid? +Because he couldn't figure out how to get a quart of water into the +little package. + +Q: Why do computer scientists confuse Christmas and Halloween? +A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25 + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Here are some phrases used to remember SIN, COS, and TAN. +(SIN = Opposite/Hypotenuse, COS = Adjacent/H, TAN = O/A). + +1. SOHCAHTOA (sock-a-toe-a) + +2. The Cat Sat + On An Orange + And Howled Hard + +3. Some Old Hulks + Carry A Huge + Tub Of Ale + +4. Silly Old Hitler + Caused Awful Headaches + To Our Airmen + +5. Some Old Hag + Cracked All Her + Teeth On Asparagus + +6. Some Old Hairy + Camels Are Hairier + Than Others Are + +7. Silly Old Harry + Caught A Herring + Trawling Off America + +8. SOPHY, CADHY, TOAD + +--------------------------------units and dimensions------------- + +2 monograms 1 diagram +8 nickles 2 paradigms +2 wharves 1 paradox + +10E5 bicycles 2 megacycles + +1 unit of suspense in an Agatha Christie novel 1 whod unit + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Three Laws of Thermodynamics (paraphrased): + +First Law: You can't get anything without working for it. + +Second Law: The most you can accomplish by work is to break even. + +Third Law: You can't break even. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What goes "Pieces of seven! Pieces of seven!"? +A: A parroty error!! + +Q: What did the circle say to the tangent line? +A: "Stop touching me!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A mathematician is a person who says that, when 3 people are supposed +to be in a room but 5 came out, 2 have to go in so the room gets +empty... + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The upgrade path to the most powerful and satisfying computer: + + * Pocket calculator + + * Commodore Pet / Apple II / TRS 80 / Commodore 64 / Timex Sinclair + (Choose any of the above) + + * IBM PC + + * Apple Macintosh + + * Fastest workstation of the time (HP, DEC, IBM, SGI: your choice) + + * Minicomputer (HP, DEC, IBM, SGI: your choice) + + * Mainframe (IBM, Cray, DEC: your choice) + + +And then you reach the pinnacle of modern computing facilities: + +********************************************************* +******* G R A D U A T E S T U D E N T S ******** +********************************************************* + +Yes, you just sit back and do all of your computing through lowly +graduate students. Imagine the advantages: + + * Multi-processing, with as many processes as you have + students. You can easily add more power by promising more + desperate undergrads that they can indeed escape college + through your guidance. Special student units can even + handle several tasks *on*their*own*! + + * Full voice recognition interface. Never touch a keyboard or + mouse again. Just mumble commands and they *will* be + understood (or else!). + + * No hardware upgrades and no installation required. Every + student comes complete with all hardware necessary. Never + again fry a chip or $10,000 board by improper installation! + Just sit that sniveling student at a desk, give it writing + utensils (making sure to point out which is the dangerous + end) and off it goes. + + * Low maintenance. Remember when that hard disk crashed in + your Beta 9900, causing all of your work to go the great bit + bucket in the sky? This won't happen with grad. students. + All that is required is that you give them a good *whack!* + upside the head when they are acting up, and they will run + good as new. + + * Abuse module. Imagine yelling expletives at your computer. + Doesn't work too well, because your machine just sits there + and ignores you. Through the grad student abuse module you + can put the fear of god in them, and get results to boot! + + * Built-in lifetime. Remember that awful feeling two years + after you bought your GigaPlutz mainframe when the new + faculty member on the block sneered at you because his + FeelyWup workstation could compute rings around your + dinosaur? This doesn't happen with grad. students. When + they start wearing and losing productivity, simply give them + the PhD and boot them out onto the street to fend for + themselves. Out of sight, out of mind! + + * Cheap fuel: students run on Coca Cola (or the high-octane + equivalent -- Jolt Cola) and typically consume hot spicy + chinese dishes, cheap taco substitutes, or completely + synthetic macaroni replacements. It is entirely unnecessary + to plug the student into the wall socket (although this does + get them going a little faster from time to time). + + * Expansion options. If your grad. students don't seem to be + performing too well, consider adding a handy system manager + or software engineer upgrade. These guys are guaranteed to + require even less than a student, and typically establish + permanent residence in the computer room. You'll never know + they are around! (Which you certainly can't say for an + AXZ3000-69 150gigahertz space-heater sitting on your desk + with its ten noisy fans....) [Note however that the + engineering department still hasn't worked out some of the + idiosyncratic bugs in these expansion options, such as + incessant muttering at nobody in particular, occasionaly + screaming at your grad. students, and posting ridiculous + messages on world-wide bulletin boards.] + +So forget your Babbage Engines and abacuses (abaci?) and PortaBooks +and DEK 666-3D's and all that other silicon garbage. The wave of the +future is in wetware, so invest in graduate students today! You'll never +go back! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was +standing on the shoulder of giants. + -- Isaac Newton + +If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants +were standing on my shoulders. + -- Hal Abelson + +In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. + -- Brian K. Reid + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +He thinks he's really smooth, but he's only C^1. +He's always going off on a tangent. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Math and Alcohol don't mix, so... + +PLEASE DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE + +Then there's every parent's scream when their child walks into the +room dazed and staggering: + +OH NO...YOU'VE BEEN TAKING DERIVATIVES!! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment. +The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a +beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room. +The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every +five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its +current location and the woman on the bed." The mathematician looks +at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through +this. You know I'll never reach the bed!" And he gets up and storms +out. The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the +physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes +light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused. +"Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?" The physicist smiles +and replied, "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical +purposes!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Dean, to the physics department. "Why do I always have to give you +guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and +stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need +is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, +like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +An engineer, physicist, and mathematician are all challenged with a +problem: to fry an egg when there is a fire in the house. The +engineer just grabs a huge bucket of water, runs over to the fire, and +puts it out. The physicist thinks for a long while, and then measures +a precise amount of water into a container. He takes it over to the +fire, pours it on, and with the last drop the fire goes out. The +mathematician pores over pencil and paper. After a few minutes he +goes "Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to frying the egg. + +Sequel: This time they are asked simply to fry an egg (no fire). The +engineer just does it, kludging along; the physicist calculates +carefully and produces a carefully cooked egg; and the mathematician +lights a fire in the corner, and says "I have reduced it to the +previous problem." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A physicist and a mathematician setting in a faculty lounge. +Suddenly, the coffee machine catches on fire. The physicist grabs a +bucket and leaps towards the sink, fills the bucket with water and +puts out the fire. The second day, the same two sit in the same +lounge. Again, the coffee machine catches on fire. This time, the +mathematician stands up, gets a bucket, hands the bucket to the +physicist, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved one. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are staying in three +adjoining cabins at a decrepit old motel. + +First the engineer's coffee maker catches fire on the bathroom vanity. +He smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs it, throws it out the window, +and goes back to sleep. + +Later that night the physicist smells smoke too. He wakes up and sees +that a cigarette butt has set the trash can on fire. He says to +himself, "Hmm. How does one put out a fire? One can reduce the +temperature of the fuel below the flash point, isolate the burning +material from oxygen, or both. This could be accomplished by applying +water." So he picks up the trash can, puts it in the shower stall, +turns on the water, and, when the fire is out, goes back to sleep. + +The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the +window. So later, when he finds that his pipe ashes have set the +bedsheet on fire, he is not in the least taken aback. He immediately +sees that the problem reduces to one that has already been solved and +goes back to sleep. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question: + + Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and + a hose not connected to the hydrant. What would you do? + +P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out + the fire. + +M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out + the fire. + +Then they were asked this question: + + Suppose you walked by a house and saw a hose connected to + a hydrant. What would you do? + +P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve. + +M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire, + reducing the problem to a previously solved form. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There were two men trying to decide what to do for a living. They +went to see a counselor, and he decided that they had good problem +solving skills. + +He tried a test to narrow the area of specialty. He put each man in a +room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the table. He said +"Boil the water". Both men moved the pot from the table to the stove +and turned on the burner to boil the water. Next, he put them into a +room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the floor. Again, +he said "Boil the water". The first man put the pot on the stove and +turned on the burner. The counselor told him to be an Engineer, +because he could solve each problem individually. The second man +moved the pot from the floor to the table, and then moved the pot from +the table to the stove and turned on the burner. The counselor told +him to be a mathematician because he reduced the problem to a +previously solved problem. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +So a mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist are out hunting +together. They spy a deer(*) in the woods. + +The physicist calculates the velocity of the deer and the effect of +gravity on the bullet, aims his rifle and fires. Alas, he misses; the +bullet passes three feet behind the deer. The deer bolts some yards, +but comes to a halt, still within sight of the trio. + +"Shame you missed," comments the engineer, "but of course with an +ordinary gun, one would expect that." He then levels his special +deer-hunting gun, which he rigged together from an ordinary rifle, a +sextant, a compass, a barometer, and a bunch of flashing lights which +don't do anything but impress onlookers, and fires. Alas, his bullet +passes three feet in front of the deer, who by this time wises up and +vanishes for good. + +"Well," says the physicist, "your contraption didn't get it either." + +"What do you mean?" pipes up the mathematician. "Between the two of +you, that was a perfect shot!" + +---------- + +(*) How they knew it was a deer: + +The physicist observed that it behaved in a deer-like manner, so it +must be a deer. + +The mathematician asked the physicist what it was, thereby reducing it +to a previously solved problem. + +The engineer was in the woods to hunt deer, therefore it was a deer. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A computer scientist, mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were +travelling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the +window of the train. + +"Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black." + +"Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are +black." + +"No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least +one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is +black!" + +"Oh, no!" shouts the computer scientist, "A special case!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A Mathematician (M) and an Engineer (E) attend a lecture by a +Physicist. The topic concerns Kulza-Klein theories involving physical +processes that occur in spaces with dimensions of 11, 12 and even +higher. The M is sitting, clearly enjoying the lecture, while the E +is frowning and looking generally confused and puzzled. By the end +the E has a terrible headache. At the end, the M comments about the +wonderful lecture. The E says "How do you understand this stuff?" +M: "I just visualize the process." +E: "How can you POSSIBLY visualize something that occurs in +11-dimensional space?" +M: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N go to 11." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What is "pi"? + +Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the + circumference of a circle and its diameter. + +Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927 plus or minus 0.00000005 + +Engineer: Pi is about 3. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +When considering the behaviour of a howitzer: + +A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land. + +A physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there. + +An engineer will stand there and try to catch it. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an +anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no +doubt already heard. After some observations and rough calculations +the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few +minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself +happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. + +This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed +right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite +rapidly the presence of humour from similar anecdotes, but considers +this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let +alone funny. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What's purple and commutes? +A: An abelian grape. + +Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"? +A: Because he left a residue at every pole. + +Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation + function, the more expensive it becomes to compute? +A: That's the Law of Spline Demand. + +Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? +A: One, who gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing it to an + earlier riddle. + -- from a button I bought at Nancy Lebowitz's table at Boskone + +Q: What do a mathematician and a physicist [or engineer, or musician, + or whatever the profession of the person addressed] have in common? +A: They are both stupid, with the exception of the mathematician. + +Q: What do you call a teapot of boiling water on top of mount everest? +A: A high-pot-in-use + +Q: What do you call a broken record? +A: A Decca-gone + +Q: What do you get when you cross 50 female pigs and 50 male deer? +A: One hundred sows-and-bucks + +Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip? +A: To get to the other ... er, um ... + +Q: What is the world's longest song? +A: "Aleph-nought Bottles of Beer on the Wall." + +Q: What does a mathematician do when he's constipated? +A: He works it out with a pencil. + +Q: What's yellow and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice. +A: Zorn's Lemon. + +Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a zebra. +A: Elephant zebra sin theta. + +Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mountain climber. +A: You can't do that. A mountain climber is a scalar. + +Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a banana? +A: Elephant banana sine theta in a direction mutually perpendicular to + the two as determined by the right hand rule. + +Q: To what question is the answer "9W." +A: "Dr. Wiener, do you spell your name with a V?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge +in pill form. + +A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what +kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says "Here's a +pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows +it and has new knowledge about English literature! + +"What else do you have?" asks the student. + +"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," +replies the pharmacist. + +The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge +about those subjects. + +Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?" + +The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the +storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the +counter. + +"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student. + +The pharmacist replied "Well, you know math always was a little hard +to swallow." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems" + -- P. Erdos + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Three standard Peter Lax jokes (heard in his lectures) : + +1. What's the contour integral around Western Europe? + Answer: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe! + Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but + they are removable! + +2. An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his very religious + colleague: + Do you believe in one God? + Answer: Yes, up to isomorphism! + +3. What is a compact city? + It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted + policemen! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Heisenberg might have slept here. + +Moebius always does it on the same side. + +Statisticians probably do it + +Algebraists do it in groups. + +(Logicians do it) or [not (logicians do it)]. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There was a mad scientist ( a mad ...social... scientist ) who +kidnapped three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a +mathematician, and locked each of them in seperate cells with plenty +of canned food and water but no can opener. + +A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's +cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can +opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to +make an explosive, and escaped. + +The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off +the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a +good pitching arm and a new quantum theory. + +The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising +solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse was propped +calmly against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor in blood: + + Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die. + + Proof: assume the opposite... + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Problem: To Catch a Lion in the Sahara Desert. + +(Hunting lions in Africa was originally published as "A contribution +to the mathematical theory of big game hunting" in the American +Mathematical Monthly in 1938 by "H. Petard, of Princeton NJ" [actually +the late Ralph Boas]. It has been reprinted several times. + +1. Mathematical Methods + +1.1 The Hilbert (axiomatic) method + +We place a locked cage onto a given point in the desert. After that +we introduce the following logical system: + Axiom 1: The set of lions in the Sahara is not empty. + Axiom 2: If there exists a lion in the Sahara, then there exists a + lion in the cage. + Procedure: If P is a theorem, and if the following is holds: + "P implies Q", then Q is a theorem. + Theorem 1: There exists a lion in the cage. + +1.2 The geometrical inversion method + +We place a spherical cage in the desert, enter it and lock it from +inside. We then perform an inversion with respect to the cage. Then +the lion is inside the cage, and we are outside. + +1.3 The projective geometry method + +Without loss of generality, we can view the desert as a plane surface. +We project the surface onto a line and afterwards the line onto an +interior point of the cage. Thereby the lion is mapped onto that same +point. + +1.4 The Bolzano-Weierstrass method + +Divide the desert by a line running from north to south. The lion is +then either in the eastern or in the western part. Let's assume it is +in the eastern part. Divide this part by a line running from east to +west. The lion is either in the northern or in the southern part. +Let's assume it is in the northern part. We can continue this process +arbitrarily and thereby constructing with each step an increasingly +narrow fence around the selected area. The diameter of the chosen +partitions converges to zero so that the lion is caged into a fence of +arbitrarily small diameter. + +1.5 The set theoretical method + +We observe that the desert is a separable space. It therefore +contains an enumerable dense set of points which constitutes a +sequence with the lion as its limit. We silently approach the lion in +this sequence, carrying the proper equipment with us. + +1.6 The Peano method + +In the usual way construct a curve containing every point in the +desert. It has been proven [1] that such a curve can be traversed in +arbitrarily short time. Now we traverse the curve, carrying a spear, +in a time less than what it takes the lion to move a distance equal to +its own length. + +1.7 A topological method + +We observe that the lion possesses the topological gender of a torus. +We embed the desert in a four dimensional space. Then it is possible +to apply a deformation [2] of such a kind that the lion when returning +to the three dimensional space is all tied up in itself. It is then +completely helpless. + +1.8 The Cauchy method + +We examine a lion-valued function f(z). Be \zeta the cage. Consider +the integral + + 1 [ f(z) + ------- I --------- dz + 2 \pi i ] z - \zeta + + C + +where C represents the boundary of the desert. Its value is f(zeta), +i.e. there is a lion in the cage [3]. + +1.9 The Wiener-Tauber method + +We obtain a tame lion, L_0, from the class L(-\infinity,\infinity), +whose fourier transform vanishes nowhere. We put this lion somewhere +in the desert. L_0 then converges toward our cage. According to the +general Wiener-Tauner theorem [4] every other lion L will converge +toward the same cage. (Alternatively we can approximate L arbitrarily +close by translating L_0 through the desert [5].) + +2 Theoretical Physics Methods + +2.1 The Dirac method + +We assert that wild lions can ipso facto not be observed in the Sahara +desert. Therefore, if there are any lions at all in the desert, they +are tame. We leave catching a tame lion as an exercise to the reader. + +2.2 The Schroedinger method + +At every instant there is a non-zero probability of the lion being in +the cage. Sit and wait. + +2.3 The Quantum Measurement Method + +We assume that the sex of the lion is _ab initio_ indeterminate. The +wave function for the lion is hence a superposition of the gender +eigenstate for a lion and that for a lioness. We lay these eigenstates +out flat on the ground and orthogonal to each other. Since the (male) +lion has a distinctive mane, the measurement of sex can safely be made +from a distance, using binoculars. The lion then collapses into one of +the eigenstates, which is rolled up and placed inside the cage. + +2.4 The nuclear physics method + +Insert a tame lion into the cage and apply a Majorana exchange +operator [6] on it and a wild lion. + +As a variant let us assume that we would like to catch (for argument's +sake) a male lion. We insert a tame female lion into the cage and +apply the Heisenberg exchange operator [7], exchanging spins. + +2.5 A relativistic method + +All over the desert we distribute lion bait containing large amounts +of the companion star of Sirius. After enough of the bait has been +eaten we send a beam of light through the desert. This will curl +around the lion so it gets all confused and can be approached without +danger. + +3 Experimental Physics Methods + +3.1 The thermodynamics method + +We construct a semi-permeable membrane which lets everything but lions +pass through. This we drag across the desert. + +3.2 The atomic fission method + +We irradiate the desert with slow neutrons. The lion becomes +radioactive and starts to disintegrate. Once the disintegration +process is progressed far enough the lion will be unable to resist. + +3.3 The magneto-optical method + +We plant a large, lense shaped field with cat mint (nepeta cataria) +such that its axis is parallel to the direction of the horizontal +component of the earth's magnetic field. We put the cage in one of the +field's foci . Throughout the desert we distribute large amounts of +magnetized spinach (spinacia oleracea) which has, as everybody knows, +a high iron content. The spinach is eaten by vegetarian desert +inhabitants which in turn are eaten by the lions. Afterwards the +lions are oriented parallel to the earth's magnetic field and the +resulting lion beam is focussed on the cage by the cat mint lense. + +[1] After Hilbert, cf. E. W. Hobson, "The Theory of Functions of a Real + Variable and the Theory of Fourier's Series" (1927), vol. 1, pp 456-457 +[2] H. Seifert and W. Threlfall, "Lehrbuch der Topologie" (1934), pp 2-3 +[3] According to the Picard theorem (W. F. Osgood, Lehrbuch der + Funktionentheorie, vol 1 (1928), p 178) it is possible to catch every lion + except for at most one. +[4] N. Wiener, "The Fourier Integral and Certain of its Applications" (1933), + pp 73-74 +[5] N. Wiener, ibid, p 89 +[6] cf e.g. H. A. Bethe and R. F. Bacher, "Reviews of Modern Physics", 8 + (1936), pp 82-229, esp. pp 106-107 +[7] ibid + +---------- + +4 Contributions from Computer Science. + +4.1 The search method + +We assume that the lion is most likely to be found in the direction to +the north of the point where we are standing. Therefore the REAL +problem we have is that of speed, since we are only using a PC to +solve the problem. + +4.2 The parallel search method. + +By using parallelism we will be able to search in the direction to the +north much faster than earlier. + +4.3 The Monte-Carlo method. + +We pick a random number indexing the space we search. By excluding +neighboring points in the search, we can drastically reduce the number +of points we need to consider. The lion will according to probability +appear sooner or later. + +4.4 The practical approach. + +We see a rabbit very close to us. Since it is already dead, it is +particularly easy to catch. We therefore catch it and call it a lion. + +4.5 The common language approach. + +If only everyone used ADA/Common Lisp/Prolog, this problem would be +trivial to solve. + +4.6 The standard approach. + +We know what a Lion is from ISO 4711/X.123. Since CCITT have specified +a Lion to be a particular option of a cat we will have to wait for a +harmonized standard to appear. $20,000,000 have been funded for +initial investigations into this standard development. + +4.7 Linear search. + +Stand in the top left hand corner of the Sahara Desert. Take one step +east. Repeat until you have found the lion, or you reach the right +hand edge. If you reach the right hand edge, take one step +southwards, and proceed towards the left hand edge. When you finally +reach the lion, put it the cage. If the lion should happen to eat you +before you manage to get it in the cage, press the reset button, and +try again. + +4.8 The Dijkstra approach: + +The way the problem reached me was: catch a wild lion in the Sahara +Desert. Another way of stating the problem is: + + Axiom 1: Sahara elem deserts + Axiom 2: Lion elem Sahara + Axiom 3: NOT(Lion elem cage) + +We observe the following invariant: + + P1: C(L) v not(C(L)) + +where C(L) means: the value of "L" is in the cage. + +Establishing C initially is trivially accomplished with the statement + + ;cage := {} + +Note 0: +This is easily implemented by opening the door to the cage and shaking +out any lions that happen to be there initially. +(End of note 0.) + +The obvious program structure is then: + + ;cage:={} + ;do NOT (C(L)) -> + ;"approach lion under invariance of P1" + ;if P(L) -> + ;"insert lion in cage" + [] not P(L) -> + ;skip + ;fi + ;od + +where P(L) means: the value of L is within arm's reach. + +Note 1: +Axiom 2 ensures that the loop terminates. +(End of note 1.) + +Exercise 0: +Refine the step "Approach lion under invariance of P1". +(End of exercise 0.) + +Note 2: +The program is robust in the sense that it will lead to +abortion if the value of L is "lioness". +(End of note 2.) + +Remark 0: This may be a new sense of the word "robust" for you. +(End of remark 0.) + +Note 3: + +>From observation we can see that the above program leads to the +desired goal. It goes without saying that we therefore do not have to +run it. +(End of note 3.) +(End of approach.) + +---------- + +For other articles, see also: + +A Random Walk in Science - R.L. Weber and E. Mendoza +More Random Walks In Science - R.L. Weber and E. Mendoza +In Mathematical Circles (2 volumes) - Howard Eves +Mathematical Circles Revisited - Howard Eves +Mathematical Circles Squared - Howard Eves +Fantasia Mathematica - Clifton Fadiman +The Mathematical Magpi - Clifton Fadiman +Seven Years of Manifold - Jaworski +The Best of the Journal of Irreproducible Results - George H. Scheer +Mathematics Made Difficult - Linderholm +A Stress-Analysis of a Strapless Evening Gown - Robert Baker +The Worm-Runners Digest +Knuth's April 1984 CACM article on The Space Complexity of Songs +Stolfi and ?? SIGACT article on Pessimal Algorithms and Simplexity Analysis + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +This poem was written by Jon Saxton (an author of math textbooks). + +((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0 + + +Or for those who have trouble with the poem: + +A Dozen, a Gross and a Score, +plus three times the square root of four, +divided by seven, +plus five times eleven, +equals nine squared and not a bit more. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + 'Tis a favorite project of mine + A new value of pi to assign. + I would fix it at 3 + For it's simpler, you see, + Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9. + +("The Lure of the Limerick" by W.S. Baring-Gould, p.5. Attributed to +Harvey L. Carter). + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +If inside a circle a line +Hits the center and goes spine to spine +And the line's length is "d" +the circumference will be +d times 3.14159 + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +If (1+x) (real close to 1) +Is raised to the power of 1 +Over x, you will find +Here's the value defined: +2.718281... + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Here's a limerick I picked up off the net a few years back - looks better +on paper. + + \/3 + / + | 2 3 x 3.14 3_ + | z dz x cos( ----------) = ln (\/e ) + | 9 + / + 1 + +Which, of course, translates to: + +Integral z-squared dz +from 1 to the square root of 3 +times the cosine +of three pi over 9 +equals log of the cube root of 'e'. + +And it's correct, too. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Not a joke, but a humorous ditty I heard from some guys in an +engineering fraternity (to the best of my recollection): + +I'll do it phonetically: + +ee to the ex dee ex, +ee to the why dee why, +sine x, cosine x, +natural log of y, +derivative on the left +derivative on the right +integrate, integrate, +fight! fight! fight! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The Programmers' Cheer -- + +Shift to the left, shift to the right! +Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Other cheers: + +E to the x dx dy +radical transcendental pi +secant cosine tangent sine +3.14159 +2.71828 +come on folks let's integerate!! + +---------- + +E to the i dx dy +E to y dy +cosine secant log of pi +disintegrate em RPI !!! + +---------- + +square root, tangent +hyperbolic sine, +3.14159 +e to the x, dy, dx, +sliderule, slipstick, TECH TECH TECH! + +---------- + +e to the u, du/dx +e to the x dx +cosine, secant, tangent, sine, +3.14159 +integral, radical, u dv, +slipstick, slide rule, MIT! + +---------- + +E to the X +D-Y, D-X +E to the X +D-X. +Cosine, Secant, Tangent, Sine +3.14159 +E-I, Radical, Pi +Fight'em, Fight'em, WPI! + +Go Worcester Polytechnic Institute!!!!!! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Words in {} should be interpreted as greek letters: + +Q: I M A {pi}{rho}Maniac. R U 1,2? + o <- read as "U-not" +A: Y ? + o + +("I am a pyromaniac. Are you not one, too?" "Why not?") + +F U \{can\} \{read\} Ths U \{Mst\} \{use\} TeX +("If you can read this, you must use TeX") + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost +in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. +We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices +far." + +So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are +we?" (They hear the echo several times.) + +15 minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're +lost!!" + +One of the men says, "That must have been a mathematician." + +Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?" + +The reply: "For three reasons. (1) he took a long time to answer, (2) +he was absolutely correct, and (3) his answer was absolutely useless." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Actually, I prefer the IBM version of this joke... + +A small, 14-seat plane is circling for a landing in Atlanta. It's +totally fogged in, zero visibility, and suddenly there's a small +electrical fire in the cockpit which disables all of the instruments +and the radio. The pilot continues circling, totally lost, when +suddenly he finds himself flying next to a tall office building. + +He rolls down the window (this particular airplane happens to have +roll-down windows) and yells to a person inside the building, "Where +are we?" + +The person responds "In an airplane!" + +The pilot then banks sharply to the right, circles twice, and makes a +perfect landing at Atlanta International. + +As the passengers emerge, shaken but unhurt, one of them says to the +pilot, "I'm certainly glad you were able to land safely, but I don't +understand how the response you got was any use." + +"Simple," responded the pilot. "I got an answer that was completely +accurate and totally irrelevant to my problem, so I knew it had to be +the IBM building." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + (I'm not sure if the following one is a true story or not) + The great logician Bertrand Russell (or was it A.N. Whitehead?) +once claimed that he could prove anything if given that 1+1=1. + So one day, some smarty-pants asked him, "Ok. Prove that +you're the Pope." + He thought for a while and proclaimed, "I am one. The Pope +is one. Therefore, the Pope and I are one." + +[NOTE: The following is from merritt@Gendev.slc.paramax.com (Merritt). +The story about 1+1=1 causing ridiculous consequences was, I believe, +originally the product of a conversation at the Trinity High Table. +It is recorded in Sir Harold Jeffreys' Scientific Inference, in a note +to chapter one. Jeffreys remarks that the fact that everything +followed from a single contradiction had been noticed by Aristotle (I +doubt this way of putting it is quite correct, but that is beside the +point). He goes on to say that McTaggart denied the consequence: "if +2+2=5, how can you prove that I am the pope?" Hardy is supposed to +have replied: "if 2+2=5, 4=5; subtract 3; then 1=2; but McTaggart and +the pope are two; therefore McTaggart and the pope are one." When I +consider this story, I am astonished at how much more brilliant some +people are than I (quite independent of the fallacies in the +argument). + +Since McTaggart, Hardy, Whitehead, and Russell (the last two of whom +were credited with a variant of Hardy's argument in your post) were +all fellows of Trinity and Jeffreys (their exact contemporary) was a +fellow of St. Johns, I suspect that (whatever the truth of Jeffreys' +story) it is very unlikely that Whitehead or Russell had anything to do +with it. The extraordinary point to me about the story is that Hardy +was able to snap this argument out between mouthfuls, so to speak, and +he was not even a logician at all. This is probably why it came in +some people's minds to be attributed to one or other of the famous +Trinity logicians. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +THE STORY OF BABEL: + +In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by +the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they +grew to large numbers and prospered. + +One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far +as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical +edifice that was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further +up they went ... until one night the edifice collapsed under the +weight of paradox. + +The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge +structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians +climbed out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was +killed; but when they began to speak to one another, SUPRISE of all +surprises! they could not understand each other. They all spoke +different languages. They all fought amongst themselves and each went +about their own way. To this day the Topologists remain the original +Mathematicians. + + - adapted from an American Indian legend + of the Mound Of Babel + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Methods of Mathematical Proof + +This is from _A Random Walk in Science_ (by Joel E. Cohen?): + + +To illustrate the various methods of proof we give an example of a +logical system. + +THE PEJORATIVE CALCULUS + +Lemma 1. All horses are the same colour. + (Proof by induction) + +Proof. It is obvious that one horse is the same colour. Let us assume +the proposition P(k) that k horses are the same colour and use this to +imply that k+1 horses are the same colour. Given the set of k+1 horses, +we remove one horse; then the remaining k horses are the same colour, +by hypothesis. We remove another horse and replace the first; the k +horses, by hypothesis, are again the same colour. We repeat this until +by exhaustion the k+1 sets of k horses have been shown to be the same +colour. It follows that since every horse is the same colour as every +other horse, P(k) entails P(k+1). But since we have shown P(1) to be +true, P is true for all succeeding values of k, that is, all horses are +the same colour. + +Theorem 1. Every horse has an infinite number of legs. + (Proof by intimidation.) + +Proof. Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs +and in front they have fore legs. This makes six legs, which is cer- +tainly an odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is +both odd and even is infinity. Therefore horses have an infinite num- +ber of legs. Now to show that this is general, suppose that somewhere +there is a horse with a finite number of legs. But that is a horse of +another colour, and by the lemma that does not exist. + +Corollary 1. Everything is the same colour. + +Proof. The proof of lemma 1 does not depend at all on the nature of the +object under consideration. The predicate of the antecedent of the uni- +versally-quantified conditional 'For all x, if x is a horse, then x is +the same colour,' namely 'is a horse' may be generalized to 'is anything' +without affecting the validity of the proof; hence, 'for all x, if x is +anything, x is the same colour.' + +Corollary 2. Everything is white. + +Proof. If a sentential formula in x is logically true, then any parti- +cular substitution instance of it is a true sentence. In particular +then: 'for all x, if x is an elephant, then x is the same colour' is +true. Now it is manifestly axiomatic that white elephants exist (for +proof by blatant assertion consult Mark Twain 'The Stolen White Ele- +phant'). Therefore all elephants are white. By corollary 1 everything +is white. + +Theorem 2. Alexander the Great did not exist and he had an infinite +number of limbs. + +Proof. We prove this theorem in two parts. First we note the obvious +fact that historians always tell the truth (for historians always take +a stand, and therefore they cannot lie). Hence we have the historically +true sentence, 'If Alexander the Great existed, then he rode a black +horse Bucephalus.' But we know by corollary 2 everything is white; +hence Alexander could not have ridden a black horse. Since the conse- +quent of the conditional is false, in order for the whole statement to +be true the antecedent must be false. Hence Alexander the Great did not +exist. + We have also the historically true statement that Alexander was warned +by an oracle that he would meet death if he crossed a certain river. He +had two legs; and 'forewarned is four-armed.' This gives him six limbs, +an even number, which is certainly an odd number of limbs for a man. +Now the only number which is even and odd is infinity; hence Alexander +had an infinite number of limbs. We have thus proved that Alexander the +Great did not exist and that he had an infinite number of limbs. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Several students were asked the following problem: + + Prove that all odd integers are prime. + +Well, the first student to try to do this was a math student. Hey +says "Hmmm... Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by +induction, we have that all the odd integers are prime." + +Of course, there are some jeers from some of his friends. The physics +student then said, "I'm not sure of the validity of your proof, but I +think I'll try to prove it by experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is +prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... uh, 9 is an +experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it seems that +you're right." + +The third student to try it was the engineering student, who +responded, "Well, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's +see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ..., 9 is +..., well if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... +Well, it does seem right." + +Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says +"Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'd end up taking too +long doing it. I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove +it..." He goes over to his terminal and runs his program. Reading +the output on the screen he says, "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, +1 is prime...." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, + 9 is not a prime - counter-example - claim is false. + +Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, + 9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime, ... + +Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, + 9 is a prime, 11 is a prime, ... + +Computer scientist: 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime, 7's a prime, + 7's a prime, ... + +Computer scientist using Unix: 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime, + segmentation fault + +Gosh, they all overlooked that even 2's a prime!! + +I figure that 2 is the oddest prime of all, because it's the +only one that's even! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Theorem: a cat has nine tails. + +Proof: + +No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. +Therefore, a cat has nine tails. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes +obtuse, but always, he was right. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +And now, for some really bad picture jokes (that I heard at Cal Poly SLO) : + + Q: What's the title of this picture ? + + .. .. ____ .. .. + \\===/======\\== + || | | || + || |____| || + || ( ) || + || \____/ || + || || + || || + || || + || || + || || + || || + || || + || || + || || + || (\ || + || ) ) || + || //||\\ || + + A: Hypotenuse + +------- + + Q: What quantity is represented by this ? + + /\ /\ /\ + / \ / \ / \ + / \ / \ / \ + / \ / \ / \ + / \ / \ / \ + /______\ /______\ /______\ + || || || + || || || + + A: 9, tree + tree + tree + + Q: A dust storm blows through, now how much do you have ? + + A: 99, dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree + + Q: Some birds go flying by and leave their droppings, + one per tree, how many is that ? + + A: 100, dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and a turd + + dirty tree and a turd + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +I saw the following scrawled on a math office blackboard in college: + + 1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1 + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + lim ---- + 8->9 \/ 8 = 3 + +Along the same lines: + + lim sqrt (3) = 2 + 3->4 + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Asked how his pet parrot died, the mathematician answered + "Polynomial. Polygon." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Lumberjacks make good musicians because of their natural logarithms. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q: What is Quayle-o-phobia? + +A: The fear of natural logarithms. + (Hint: Quayle and the letter "e" made news.) + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"The integral of e to the x is equal to f of the quantity + u to the n." + + / x n + | e = f(u ) + / + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A physics joke: + + "Energy equals milk chocolate square" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Russell to Whitehead: "My Godel is killing me!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative +merits of having a wife or a mistress. + +The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife +and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems. + +The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of +security lowers your stress and is good for your health. + +The mathematician says: " You're both wrong. It's best to have both so +that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress +thinks you're with your wife --- you can do some mathematics. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Von Neumann and Norbert Wiener were both the subject of many dotty +professor stories. Von Neumann supposedly had the habit of simply +writing answers to homework assignments on the board (the method of +solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked how to solve +problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful +information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. +Von Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, +"Yes". + +Wiener was in fact very absent minded. The following story is told +about him: When they moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing +that he would be absolutely useless on the move, packed him off to MIT +while she directed the move. Since she was certain that he would +forget that they had moved and where they had moved to, she wrote down +the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to him. Naturally, +in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He reached in +his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled +some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, +and threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home +(to the old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he +realized that they had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved +to, and that the piece of paper with the address was long gone. +Fortunately inspiration struck. There was a young girl on the street +and he conceived the idea of asking her where he had moved to, saying, +"Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Wiener and we've just +moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the young girl +replied, "Yes daddy, mommy thought you would forget." + +The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the +story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that +it wasn't quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! +The rest of it, however, was pretty close to what actually happened... + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The USDA once wanted to make cows produce milk faster, to improve the +dairy industry. + +So, they decided to consult the foremost biologists and recombinant +DNA technicians to build them a better cow. They assembled this team +of great scientists, and gave them unlimited funding. They requested +rare chemicals, weird bacteria, tons of quarantine equipment, there +was a horrible typhus epidemic they started by accident, and, 2 years +later, they came back with the "new, improved cow." It had a milk +production improvement of 2% over the original. + +They then tried with the greatest Nobel Prize winning chemists around. +They worked for six months, and, after requisitioning tons of chemical +equipment, and poisoning half the small town in Colorado where they +were working with a toxic cloud from one of their experiments, they +got a 5% improvement in milk output. + +The physicists tried for a year, and, after ten thousand cows were +subjected to radiation therapy, they got a 1% improvement in output. + +Finally, in desperation, they turned to the mathematicians. The +foremost mathematician of his time offered to help them with the +problem. Upon hearing the problem, he told the delegation that they +could come back in the morning and he would have solved the problem. +In the morning, they came back, and he handed them a piece of paper +with the computations for the new, 300% improved milk cow. + +The plans began: + +"A Proof of the Attainability of Increased Milk Output from Bovines: + +Consider a spherical cow......" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist went to the races one +Saturday and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after +the race, the engineer says, "I don't understand why I lost all my +money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and +mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..." + +The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual +variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their +previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest +probability of winning..." + +"...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But +before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and +they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a +man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his +secret. + +"Well," he says, between puffs on the pipe, "first I assumed all the +horses were identical and spherical..." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Theorem : All positive integers are equal. + +Proof : Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, + A = B. Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A + and B (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B. + + Proceed by induction. + + If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. + So A = B. + + Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B + with MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence + (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive +government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them +to a western country. They drove to the airport, forced their way on +board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board. +Terrified, they listened as the sirens got louder. Finally, one of +the scientists suggested that since he was an experimentalist, he +would try to fly the aircraft. + +He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens +got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be +pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! +Hurry!!!!!!" + +The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple +pole in a complex plane." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A group of Polish tourists is flying on a small airplane through the +Grand Canyon on a sightseeing tour. The tour guide announces: "On the +right of the airplane, you can see the famous Bright Angle Falls." +The tourists leap out of their seats and crowd to the windows on the +right side. This causes a dynamic imbalance, and the plane violently +rolls to the side and crashes into the canyon wall. All aboard are +lost. The moral to this episode is: always keep your poles off the +right side of the plane. + +Caveat: While this joke mentions Polish people, it is not, in my +opinion, in the category of the infamous Polish jokes. I hope no one +is offended but only humored. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Hiawatha Designs an Experiment + +Hiawatha, mighty hunter, +He could shoot ten arrows upward, +Shoot them with such strength and swiftness +That the last had left the bow-string +Ere the first to earth descended. + +This was commonly regarded +As a feat of skill and cunning. +Several sarcastic spirits +Pointed out to him, however, +That it might be much more useful +If he sometimes hit the target. +"Why not shoot a little straighter +And employ a smaller sample?" +Hiawatha, who at college +Majored in applied statistics, +Consequently felt entitled +To instruct his fellow man +In any subject whatsoever, +Waxed exceedingly indignant, +Talked about the law of errors, +Talked about truncated normals, +Talked of loss of information, +Talked about his lack of bias, +Pointed out that (in the long run) +Independent observations, +Even though they missed the target, +Had an average point of impact +Very near the spot he aimed at, +With the possible exception +of a set of measure zero. + +"This," they said, "was rather doubtful; +Anyway it didn't matter. +What resulted in the long run: +Either he must hit the target +Much more often than at present, +Or himself would have to pay for +All the arrows he had wasted." + +Hiawatha, in a temper, +Quoted parts of R. A. Fisher, +Quoted Yates and quoted Finney, +Quoted reams of Oscar Kempthorne, +Quoted Anderson and Bancroft +(practically in extenso) +Trying to impress upon them +That what actually mattered +Was to estimate the error. + +Several of them admitted: +"Such a thing might have its uses; +Still," they said, "he would do better +If he shot a little straighter." + +Hiawatha, to convince them, +Organized a shooting contest. +Laid out in the proper manner +Of designs experimental +Recommended in the textbooks, +Mainly used for tasting tea +(but sometimes used in other cases) +Used factorial arrangements +And the theory of Galois, +Got a nicely balanced layout +And successfully confounded +Second order interactions. + +All the other tribal marksmen, +Ignorant benighted creatures +Of experimental setups, +Used their time of preparation +Putting in a lot of practice +Merely shooting at the target. + +Thus it happened in the contest +That their scores were most impressive +With one solitary exception. +This, I hate to have to say it, +Was the score of Hiawatha, +Who as usual shot his arrows, +Shot them with great strength and swiftness, +Managing to be unbiased, +Not however with a salvo +Managing to hit the target. + +"There!" they said to Hiawatha, +"That is what we all expected." +Hiawatha, nothing daunted, +Called for pen and called for paper. +But analysis of variance +Finally produced the figures +Showing beyond all peradventure, +Everybody else was biased. +And the variance components +Did not differ from each other's, +Or from Hiawatha's. +(This last point it might be mentioned, +Would have been much more convincing +If he hadn't been compelled to +Estimate his own components +>From experimental plots on +Which the values all were missing.) + +Still they couldn't understand it, +So they couldn't raise objections. +(Which is what so often happens +with analysis of variance.) +All the same his fellow tribesmen, +Ignorant benighted heathens, +Took away his bow and arrows, +Said that though my Hiawatha +Was a brilliant statistician, +He was useless as a bowman. +As for variance components +Several of the more outspoken +Make primeval observations +Hurtful of the finer feelings +Even of the statistician. + +In a corner of the forest +Sits alone my Hiawatha +Permanently cogitating +On the normal law of errors. +Wondering in idle moments +If perhaps increased precision +Might perhaps be sometimes better +Even at the cost of bias, +If one could thereby now and then +Register upon a target. + +W. E. Mientka, "Professor Leo Moser -- Reflections of a Visit" +American Mathematical Monthly, Vol. 79, Number 6 (June-July, 1972) + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +An assemblage of the most gifted minds in the world were all posed the +following question: + +"What is 2 * 2 ?" + +The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it +back and forth, and finally announces "3.99". + +The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem +on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02". + +The mathematician cogitates for a while, oblivious to the rest of the +world, then announces: "I don't what the answer is, but I can tell +you, an answer exists!". + +Philosopher: "But what do you _mean_ by 2 * 2 ?" + +Logician: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely." + +Accountant: Closes all the doors and windows, looks around carefully, + then asks "What do you _want_ the answer to be?" + +Computer Hacker: Breaks into the NSA super-computer and gives the answer. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +During a class of calculus my lecturer suddenly checked himself and +stared intently at the table in front of him for a while. Then he +looked up at us and explained that he thought he had brought six piles +of papers with him, but "no matter how he counted" there was only five +on the table. Then he became silent for a while again and then told +the following story: + +"When I was young in Poland I met the great mathematician Waclaw +Sierpinski. He was old already then and rather absent-minded. Once he +had to move to a new place for some reason. His wife wife didn't trust +him very much, so when they stood down on the street with all their +things, she said: + - Now, you stand here and watch our ten trunks, while I go and get a + taxi. + +She left and left him there, eyes somewhat glazed and humming +absently. Some minutes later she returned, presumably having called +for a taxi. Says Mr. Sierpinski (possibly with a glint in his eye): + - I thought you said there were ten trunks, but I've only counted to nine. + - No, they're TEN! + - No, count them: 0, 1, 2, ..." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's non-orientable and lives in the sea? + +Mobius Dick. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Philosopher: "Resolution of the continuum hypothesis will have + profound implications to all of science." + +Physicist: "Not quite. Physics is well on its way without those + mythical `foundations'. Just give us serviceable mathematics." + +Computer Scientist: + "Who cares? Everything in this Universe seems to be finite + anyway. Besides, I'm too busy debugging my Pascal programs." + +Mathematician: + "Forget all that! Just make your formulae as aesthetically + pleasing as possible!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Definition: + + Jogging girl scout = Brownian motion. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + lim sin(x) + n --> oo ------ = 6 + n + +Proof: cancel the n in the numerator and denominator. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Two male mathematicians are in a bar. + +The first one says to the second that the average person knows very +little about basic mathematics. + +The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a +reasonable amount of math. + +The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence +the second calls over the waitress. + +He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he +will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is +answer one third x cubed. + +She repeats `one thir -- dex cue'? He repeats `one third x cubed'. + +Her: `one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she +agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, `one thir dex cuebd...'. + +The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his +point, that most people do know something about basic math. + +He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first +laughingly agrees. + +The second man calls over the waitress and asks `what is the integral +of x squared?'. + +The waitress says `one third x cubed' and while walking away, turns +back and says over her shoulder `plus a constant'! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +This was made by Mike Bender and Sarah Herr: + + MATHEMATICS PURITY TEST + + Count the number of yes's, subtract from 60, and divide by 0.6. + +---------- + + The Basics + +1) Have you ever been excited about math? +2) Had an exciting dream about math? +3) Made a mathematical calculation? +4) Manipulated the numerator of an equation? +5) Manipulated the denominator of an equation? +6) On your first problem set? +7) Worked on a problem set past 3:00 a.m.? +8) Worked on a problem set all night? +9) Had a hard problem? +10) Worked on a problem continuously for more than 30 minutes? +11) Worked on a problem continuously for more than four hours? +12) Done more than one problem set on the same night (i.e. both + started and finished them)? +13) Done more than three problem sets on the same night? +14) Taken a math course for a full year? +15) Taken two different math courses at the same time? +16) Done at least one problem set a week for more than four months? +17) Done at least one problem set a night for more than one month + (weekends excluded)? +18) Done a problem set alone? +19) Done a problem set in a group of three or more? +20) Done a problem set in a group of 15 or more? +21) Was it mixed company? +22) Have you ever inadvertently walked in upon people doing a problem set? +23) And joined in afterwards? +24) Have you ever used food doing a problem set? +25) Did you eat it all? +26) Have you ever had a domesticated pet or animal walk over you while you + were doing a problem set? +27) Done a problem set in a public place where you might be discovered? +28) Been discovered while doing a problem set? + + + Kinky Stuff + +29) Have you ever applied your math to a hard science? +30) Applied your math to a soft science? +31) Done an integration by parts? +32) Done two integration by parts in a single problem? +33) Bounded the domain and range of your function? +34) Used the domination test for improper integrals? +35) Done Newton's Method? +36) Done the Method of Frobenius? +37) Used the Sandwich Theorem? +38) Used the Mean Value Theorem? +39) Used a Gaussian surface? +40) Used a foreign object on a math problem (eg: calculator)? +41) Used a program to improve your mathematical technique (eg: MACSYMA)? +42) Not used brackets when you should have? +43) Integrated a function over its full period? +44) Done a calculation in three-dimensional space? +45) Done a calculation in n-dimensional space? +46) Done a change of bases? +47) Done a change of bases specifically in order to magnify your vector? +48) Worked through four complete bases in a single night (eg: using the + Graham-Schmidt method)? +49) Inserted a number into an equation? +50) Calculated the residue of a pole? +51) Scored perfectly on a math test? +52) Swallowed everything your professor gave you? +53) Used explicit notation in your problem set? +54) Purposefully omitted important steps in your problem set? +55) Padded your own problem set? +56) Been blown away on a test? +57) Blown away your professor on a test? +58) Have you ever multiplied 23 by 3? +59) Have you ever bounded your Bessel function so that the membrane + did not shoot to infinity? +69) Have you ever understood the following quote: + "The relationship between Z^0 to C_0, B_0, and H_0 + is an example of a general principle which we have + encountered: the kernel of the adjoint of a linear + transformation is both the annihilator space of the + image of the transformation and also the dual space + of the quotient of the space of which the image is + a subspace by the image subspace." + (Shlomo & Bamberg's _A "Course" in Mathematics for + Students of Physics_) + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Not precisely pure-math, but ... + +Fuller's Law of Cosmic Irreversability: + + 1 pot T --> 1 pot P +but + 1 pot P -/-> 1 pot T + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A tribe of Native Americans generally referred to their woman by the +animal hide with which they made their blanket. Thus, one woman might +be known as Squaw of Buffalo Hide, while another might be known as +Squaw of Deer Hide. This tribe had a particularly large and strong +woman, with a very unique (for North America anyway) animal hide for +her blanket. This woman was known as Squaw of Hippopotamus hide, and +she was as large and powerful as the animal from which her blanket was +made. + +Year after year, this woman entered the tribal wrestling tournament, +and easily defeated all challengers; male or female. As the men of +the tribe admired her strength and power, this made many of the other +woman of the tribe extremely jealous. One year, two of the squaws +petitioned the Chief to allow them to enter their sons together as a +wrestling tandem in order to wrestle Squaw of the Hippopotamus hide as +a team. In this way, they hoped to see that she would no longer be +champion wrestler of the tribe. + +As the luck of the draw would have it, the two sons who were wrestling +as a tandem met the squaw in the final and championship round of the +wrestling contest. As the match began, it became clear that the squaw +had finally met an opponent that was her equal. The two sons wrestled +and struggled vigorously and were clearly on an equal footing with the +powerful squaw. Their match lasted for hours without a clear victor. +Finally the chief intervened and declared that, in the interests of +the health and safety of the wrestlers, the match was to be terminated +and that he would declare a winner. + +The chief retired to his teepee and contemplated the great struggle he +had witnessed, and found it extremely difficult to decide a winner. +While the two young men had clearly outmatched the squaw, he found it +difficult to force the squaw to relinquish her tribal championship. +After all, it had taken two young men to finally provide her with a +decent match. Finally, after much deliberation, the chief came out +from his teepee, and announced his decision. He said... + +"The Squaw of the Hippopotamus hide is equal to the sons of the squaws +of the other two hides" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee +cup and a doughnut. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and +he will say that on the average he feels fine. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A guy decided to go to the brain transplant clinic to refreshen his +supply of brains. The secretary informed him that they had three +kinds of brains available at that time. Doctors' brains were going +for $20 per ounce and lawyers' brains were getting $30 per ounce. And +then there were mathematicians' brains which were currently fetching +$1000 per ounce. + +"A 1000 dollars an ounce!" he cried. "Why are they so expensive?" + +"It takes more mathematicians to get an ounce of brains," she explained. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A topologist walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender, +being a number theorist, says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve +topologists here." + +The disgruntled topologist walks outside, but then gets an idea and +performs Dahn surgery upon herself. She walks into the bar, and the +bartender, who does not recognize her since she is now a different +manifold, serves her a drink. However, the bartender thinks she looks +familiar, or at least locally similar, and asks, "Aren't you that +topologist that just came in here?" + +To which she responds, "No, I'm a frayed knot." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There are three kinds of people in the world; +those who can count and those who can't. + +And the related: + +There are two groups of people in the world; +those who believe that the world can be +divided into two groups of people, +and those who don't. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The world is divided into two classes: + people who say "The world is divided into two classes", + and people who say + The world is divided into two classes: + people who say: "The world is divided into two classes", + and people who say: + The world is divided into two classes: + people who say ... + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What follows is a "quiz" a student of mine once showed me (which she'd +gotten from a previous teacher, etc...). It's multiple choice, and if +you sort the letters (with upper and lower case disjoint) questions +and answers will come out next to each other. Enjoy... + + S. What the acorn said when he grew up + N. bisects + u. A dead parrot + g. center + F. What you should do when it rains + R. hypotenuse + m. A geometer who has been to the beach + H. coincide + h. The set of cards is missing + y. polygon + A. The boy has a speech defect + t. secant + K. How they schedule gym class + p. tangent + b. What he did when his mother-in-law wanted to go home + D. ellipse + O. The tall kettle boiling on the stove + W. geometry + r. Why the girl doesn't run a 4-minute mile + j. decagon + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +___ 1. That which Noah built. +___ 2. An article for serving ice cream. +___ 3. What a bloodhound does in chasing a woman. +___ 4. An expression to represent the loss of a parrot. +___ 5. An appropriate title for a knight named Koal. +___ 6. A sunburned man. +___ 7. A tall coffee pot perking. +___ 8. What one does when it rains. +___ 9. A dog sitting in a refrigerator. +___ 10. What a boy does on the lake when his motor won't run. +___ 11. What you call a person who writes for an inn. +___ 12. What the captain said when the boat was bombed. +___ 13. What a little acorn says when he grows up. +___ 14. What one does to trees that are in the way. +___ 15. What you do if you have yarn and needles. +___ 16. Can George Washington turn into a country? + + +A. hypotenuse I. circle +B. polygon J. axiom +C. inscribe K. cone +D. geometry L. coincide +E. unit M. cosecant +F. center N. tangent +G. decagone O. hero +H. arc P. perpendicular + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag +pole. They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite +frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole. It kept falling +down, etc. + +A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to +remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily. + +When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: "Just like a +mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the +length!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A man camped in a national park, and noticed Mr. Snake and Mrs. Snake +slithering by. "Where are all the little snakes?" he asked. Mr. +Snake replied, "We are adders, so we cannot multiply." + +The following year, the man returned to the same camping spot. This +time there were a whole batch of little snakes. "I thought you said +you could not multiply," he said to Mr. Snake. "Well, the park ranger +came by and built a log table, so now we can multiply by adding!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is +not yet ready. "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We +are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share +the room with others." he is told by the doorman (say his name is +Pete). Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is +no need to make such a great fuss. So Pete leads him to the dorm. +They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present +inhabitants. "See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of +180!" +"Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!" +"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!" +"Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss physics!" +"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!" +"That Wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!" +Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it. +"I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80." +Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where to you think interest +rates are headed?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +97.3% of all statistics are made up. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear the one about the statistician? + +Probably.... + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There was once a very smart horse. Anything that was shown it, it +mastered easily, until one day, its teachers tried to teach it about +rectangular coordinates and it couldn't understand them. All the +horse's acquaintances and friends tried to figure out what was the +matter and couldn't. Then a new guy (what the heck, a computer +engineer) looked at the problem and said, + +"Of course he can't do it. Why, you're putting Descartes before the +horse!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR NOT DOING THE MATH HOMEWORK + +1. I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames. +2. Isaac Newton's birthday. +3. I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't + actually reach it. +4. I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin. +5. I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove + that it converged. +6. I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy. +7. I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in + and ate it. +8. I couldn't figure out whether i am the square of negative one or + i is the square root of negative one. +9. I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee. + I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk. +10. I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but + this morning I couldn't find it. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The guy gets on a bus and starts threatening everybody: "I'll integrate +you! I'll differentiate you!!!" So everybody gets scared and runs +away. Only one person stays. The guy comes up to him and says: +"Aren't you scared, I'll integrate you, I'll differentiate you!!!" And +the other guy says; "No, I am not scared, I am e to the x." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A mathematician went insane and believed that he was the +differentiation operator. His friends had him placed in a mental +hospital until he got better. All day he would go around frightening +the other patients by staring at them and saying "I differentiate +you!" + +One day he met a new patient; and true to form he stared at him and +said "I differentiate you!", but for once, his victim's expression +didn't change. Surprised, the mathematician marshalled his energies, +stared fiercely at the new patient and said loudly "I differentiate +you!", but still the other man had no reaction. Finally, in +frustration, the mathematician screamed out "I DIFFERENTIATE YOU!" -- +at which point the new patient calmly looked up and said, "You can +differentiate me all you like: I'm e to the x." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + / + | 1 + | ----- = log cabin + | cabin + / + + Oops, you forgot your constant of integration. + + + / + | 1 + | ----- = log cabin + C + | cabin + / + + And, as we all know, + + log cabin + C = houseboat + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + 8 5 +If lim - = oo (infinity), then what does lim - = ? + x->0 x x->0 x + +answer: (write 5 on it's side) + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Why did the cat fall off the roof? + +Because he lost his mu. (mew=sound cats make, mu=coeff of friction) + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Boy's Life, May 1973: + +Ralph: Dad, will you do my math for me tonight? +Dad: No, son, it wouldn't be right. +Ralph: Well, you could try. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Mrs. Johnson the elementary school math teacher was having children do +problems on the blackboard that day. + +``Who would like to do the first problem, addition?'' + +No one raised their hand. She called on Tommy, and with some help he +finally got it right. + +``Who would like to do the second problem, subtraction?'' + +Students hid their faces. She called on Mark, who got the problem but +there was some suspicion his girlfriend Lisa whispered it to him. + +``Who would like to do the third problem, division?'' + +Now a low collective groan could be heard as everyone looked at +nothing in particular. The teacher called on Suzy, who got it right +(she has been known to hold back sometimes in front of her friends). + +``Who would like to do the last problem, multiplication?'' + +Tim's hand shot up, surprising everyone in the room. Mrs. Johnson +finally gained her composure in the stunned silence. ``Why the +enthusiasm, Tim?'' + +``God said to go fourth and multiply!'' + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Definitions of Terms Commonly Used in Higher Math + + The following is a guide to the weary student of mathematics who + is often confronted with terms which are commonly used but rarely + defined. In the search for proper definitions for these terms we + found no authoritative, nor even recognized, source. Thus, we + followed the advice of mathematicians handed down from time + immortal: "Wing It." + + + CLEARLY: I don't want to write down all the "in- + between" steps. + + TRIVIAL: If I have to show you how to do this, you're + in the wrong class. + + OBVIOUSLY: I hope you weren't sleeping when we discussed + this earlier, because I refuse to repeat it. + + RECALL: I shouldn't have to tell you this, but for + those of you who erase your memory tapes + after every test... + + WLOG (Without Loss Of Generality): I'm not about to do all the + possible cases, so I'll do one and let you + figure out the rest. + + IT CAN EASILY BE SHOWN: Even you, in your finite wisdom, should + be able to prove this without me holding your + hand. + + CHECK or CHECK FOR YOURSELF: This is the boring part of the + proof, so you can do it on your own time. + + SKETCH OF A PROOF: I couldn't verify all the details, so I'll + break it down into the parts I couldn't + prove. + + HINT: The hardest of several possible ways to do a + proof. + + BRUTE FORCE (AND IGNORANCE): Four special cases, three counting + arguments, two long inductions, "and a + partridge in a pair tree." + + SOFT PROOF: One third less filling (of the page) than + your regular proof, but it requires two extra + years of course work just to understand the + terms. + + ELEGANT PROOF: Requires no previous knowledge of the subject + matter and is less than ten lines long. + + SIMILARLY: At least one line of the proof of this case is + the same as before. + + CANONICAL FORM: 4 out of 5 mathematicians surveyed + recommended this as the final form for their + students who choose to finish. + + TFAE (The Following Are Equivalent): If I say this it means that, + and if I say that it means the other thing, + and if I say the other thing... + + BY A PREVIOUS THEOREM: I don't remember how it goes (come to + think of it I'm not really sure we did this + at all), but if I stated it right (or at + all), then the rest of this follows. + + TWO LINE PROOF: I'll leave out everything but the conclusion, + you can't question 'em if you can't see 'em. + + BRIEFLY: I'm running out of time, so I'll just write + and talk faster. + + LET'S TALK THROUGH IT: I don't want to write it on the board lest + I make a mistake. + + PROCEED FORMALLY: Manipulate symbols by the rules without any + hint of their true meaning (popular in pure + math courses). + + QUANTIFY: I can't find anything wrong with your proof + except that it won't work if x is a moon of + Jupiter (Popular in applied math courses). + + PROOF OMITTED: Trust me, It's true. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +In the bayous of Louisiana, there is a small river called the Dirac. +Many wealthy people have their mansions near its mouth. One of the +social leaders decided to have a grand ball. Being a cousin of the +Governor, she arranged for a detachment of the state militia to serve +as guards and traffic directors for the big doings. A captain was +sent over with a small company; naturally he asked if there was enough +room for him and his unit. The social leader replied, "But of course, +Captain! It is well known that the Dirac delta function has unit +area." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Albert Einstein, who fancied himself as a violinist, was rehearsing a +Haydn string quartet. When he failed for the fourth time to get his +entry in the second movement, the cellist looked up and said, "The +problem with you, Albert, is that you simply can't count." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Some famous mathematician was to give a keynote speech at a +conference. Asked for an advance summary, he said he would present a +proof of Fermat's Last Theorem -- but they should keep it under their +hats. When he arrived, though, he spoke on a much more prosaic +topic. Afterwards the conference organizers asked why he said he'd +talk about the theorem and then didn't. He replied this was his +standard practice, just in case he was killed on the way to the +conference. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +When I was a Math/Chem grad student at Princeton in 1973-74, there was +a story going around about a grad student. This guy was always late. +One day he stumbled into class late, saw seven problems written on the +board, and wrote them down. As the week went on he began to panic: +the math department at Princeton is fiercely competitive, and here he +was unable to do most of a simple homework assignment! When the next +class rolled around he only had solved two of the problems, although +he had a pretty good idea of how to solve a third but not enough time +to complete it. + +When he dejectedly flung his partial assignment on the prof's desk, +the prof asked him "What's that?" "The homework." "What homework?" +Eventually it came out that what the prof had written on the board +were the seven most important unsolved problems in the field. + +This is largely an academic legend, at least according to Jan Harold +Brunvand, the author of a series of books on so-called Urban Legends. +He talks about it in his latest book _Curses! Broiled Again!_ in the +chapter entitled "The Unsolvable Math Problem." It is, however, based +in some fact. The Stanford mathematician, George B. Danzig, +apparently managed to solve two statistics problems previously +unsolved under similar circumstances. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The following problem can be solved either the easy way or the hard way. + +Two trains 200 miles apart are moving toward each other; each one is +going at a speed of 50 miles per hour. A fly starting on the front of +one of them flies back and forth between them at a rate of 75 miles +per hour. It does this until the trains collide and crush the fly to +death. What is the total distance the fly has flown? + +The fly actually hits each train an infinite number of times before it +gets crushed, and one could solve the problem the hard way with pencil +and paper by summing an infinite series of distances. The easy way +is as follows: Since the trains are 200 miles apart and each train is +going 50 miles an hour, it takes 2 hours for the trains to collide. +Therefore the fly was flying for two hours. Since the fly was flying +at a rate of 75 miles per hour, the fly must have flown 150 miles. +That's all there is to it. + +When this problem was posed to John von Neumann, he immediately +replied, "150 miles." + +"It is very strange," said the poser, "but nearly everyone tries to +sum the infinite series." + +"What do you mean, strange?" asked Von Neumann. "That's how I did it!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them, they +translate it into their own language, and forthwith it means something +entirely different. + -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"The reason that every major university maintains a department of +mathematics is that it is cheaper to do this than to institutionalize +all those people." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Three mathematicians and a physicist walk into a bar. +You'd think the second one would have ducked. (Ha, that quack's me up!) + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What do you call a young eigensheep? + +A lamb, duh!!! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"The world is everywhere dense with idiots." + - LFS + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician +and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least +amount of fence. The engineer made the fence in a circle and +proclaimed that he had the most efficient design. The physicist made +a long, straight line and proclaimed 'We can assume the length is +infinite...' and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was +certainly a more efficient way to do it. The Mathematician just +laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said 'I +declare myself to be on the outside.' + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +An engineer, a mathematician, and a computer programmer are driving +down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The engineer +says that they should buy a new car. The mathematician says they +should sell the old tire and buy a new one. The computer programmer +says they should drive the car around the block and see if the tire +fixes itself. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A math/computer science convention was being held. On the train to +the convention, a bunch of math majors and a bunch of computer science +majors were on the train. Each of the math majors had his/her train +ticket. The group of computer science majors had only ONE ticket for +all of them. The math majors started laughing and snickering. + +Then, one of the CS majors said "here comes the conductor" and then +all of the CS majors went into the bathroom. The math majors were +puzzled. The conductor came aboard and said "tickets please" and got +tickets from all the math majors. He then went to the bathroom and +knocked on the door and said "ticket please" and the CS majors stuck +the ticket under the door. The conductor took it and then the CS +majors came out of the bathroom a few minutes later. The math majors +felt really stupid. + +So, on the way back from the convention, the group of math majors had +one ticket for the group. They started snickering at the CS majors, +for the whole group had no tickets amongst them. Then, the CS major +lookout said "Conductor coming!". All the CS majors went to the +bathroom. All the math majors went to another bathroom. Then, before +the conductor came on board, one of the CS majors left the bathroom, +knocked on the other bathroom, and said "ticket please." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The following is supposedly a true story about Russell. It isn't +really a math joke since it makes fun of the British hierarchy, but +it's funny anyway.... + +Around the time when Cold War started, Bertrand Russell was giving a +lecture on politics in England. Being a leftist in a conservative +women's club, he was not received well at all: the ladies came up to +him and started attacking him with whatever they could get their hands +on. The guard, being an English gentleman, did not want to be rough +to the ladies and yet needed to save Russell from them. He said, "But +he is a great mathematician!" The ladies ignored him. The guard said +again, "But he is a great philosopher!" The ladies ignore him again. +In desperation, finally, he said, "But his brother is an earl!" Bert +was saved. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Another "true" story, kinda like the aforementioned urban legend: + +Enrico Fermi, while studying in college, was bored by his math +classes. He walked up to the professor and said, "My classes are too +easy!" The professor looked at him, and said, "Well, I'm sure you'll +find this interesting." Then the professor copied 9 problems from a +book to a paper and gave the paper to Fermi. A month later, the +professor ran into Fermi, "So how are you doing with the problems I +gave you?" "Oh, they are very hard. I only managed to solve 6 of +them." The professor was visibly shocked, "What!? But those are +unsolved problems!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician find themselves in an +anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no +doubt already heard. After some observations and rough calculations, +the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few +minutes later the physicist understands, too, and chuckles to himself +happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. +This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed +right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite +rapidly the presence of humour from similar anecdotes, but considers +this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let +alone funny. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math1.txt b/ai/learn/math/math1.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e87e6d1 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math1.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ +Here are some math related jokes, etc., that I have found +on the net over the last several months. I have tried to +remove duplicates, but some similar items remain. + +Send comments, ideas, etc. via e-mail. + +Michael Cook +MLC@IBERIA.CCA.ROCKWELL.COM + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math10.txt b/ai/learn/math/math10.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e9483bf --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,19 @@ + +First of all let me make it clear that I have nothing against +contravariant functors. Some of my best friends are cohomology +theories! But now you aren't supposed to call them contravariant +anymore. It's Algebraically Correct to call them 'differently +arrowed'!! + +In the same way that transcendental numbers are polynomially +challenged? + +Manifolds are personifolds (humanifolds). + +Neighborhoods are neighbor victims of society. + +It's the Asian Remainder Theorem. + +It isn't PC to use "singularity" - the function is "convergently +challenged" there. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math100.txt b/ai/learn/math/math100.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d0e21ec --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math100.txt @@ -0,0 +1,40 @@ + +A tribe of Native Americans generally referred to their woman by the +animal hide with which they made their blanket. Thus, one woman might +be known as Squaw of Buffalo Hide, while another might be known as +Squaw of Deer Hide. This tribe had a particularly large and strong +woman, with a very unique (for North America anyway) animal hide for +her blanket. This woman was known as Squaw of Hippopotamus hide, and +she was as large and powerful as the animal from which her blanket was +made. + +Year after year, this woman entered the tribal wrestling tournament, +and easily defeated all challengers; male or female. As the men of +the tribe admired her strength and power, this made many of the other +woman of the tribe extremely jealous. One year, two of the squaws +petitioned the Chief to allow them to enter their sons together as a +wrestling tandem in order to wrestle Squaw of the Hippopotamus hide as +a team. In this way, they hoped to see that she would no longer be +champion wrestler of the tribe. + +As the luck of the draw would have it, the two sons who were wrestling +as a tandem met the squaw in the final and championship round of the +wrestling contest. As the match began, it became clear that the squaw +had finally met an opponent that was her equal. The two sons wrestled +and struggled vigorously and were clearly on an equal footing with the +powerful squaw. Their match lasted for hours without a clear victor. +Finally the chief intervened and declared that, in the interests of +the health and safety of the wrestlers, the match was to be terminated +and that he would declare a winner. + +The chief retired to his teepee and contemplated the great struggle he +had witnessed, and found it extremely difficult to decide a winner. +While the two young men had clearly outmatched the squaw, he found it +difficult to force the squaw to relinquish her tribal championship. +After all, it had taken two young men to finally provide her with a +decent match. Finally, after much deliberation, the chief came out +from his teepee, and announced his decision. He said... + +"The Squaw of the Hippopotamus hide is equal to the sons of the squaws +of the other two hides" + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math101.txt b/ai/learn/math/math101.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..889204b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math101.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +A topologist is a man who doesn't know the difference between a coffee +cup and a doughnut. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math102.txt b/ai/learn/math/math102.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..40a3259 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math102.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and +he will say that on the average he feels fine. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math104.txt b/ai/learn/math/math104.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..92595d1 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math104.txt @@ -0,0 +1,14 @@ + +A topologist walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender, +being a number theorist, says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve +topologists here." + +The disgruntled topologist walks outside, but then gets an idea and +performs Dahn surgery upon herself. She walks into the bar, and the +bartender, who does not recognize her since she is now a different +manifold, serves her a drink. However, the bartender thinks she looks +familiar, or at least locally similar, and asks, "Aren't you that +topologist that just came in here?" + +To which she responds, "No, I'm a frayed knot." + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math105.txt b/ai/learn/math/math105.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..842d8c9 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math105.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + +There are three kinds of people in the world; +those who can count and those who can't. + +And the related: + +There are two groups of people in the world; +those who believe that the world can be +divided into two groups of people, +and those who don't. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math106.txt b/ai/learn/math/math106.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..036b093 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math106.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ + +The world is divided into two classes: + people who say "The world is divided into two classes", + and people who say + The world is divided into two classes: + people who say: "The world is divided into two classes", + and people who say: + The world is divided into two classes: + people who say ... + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math107.txt b/ai/learn/math/math107.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e670574 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math107.txt @@ -0,0 +1,27 @@ + +What follows is a "quiz" a student of mine once showed me (which she'd +gotten from a previous teacher, etc...). It's multiple choice, and if +you sort the letters (with upper and lower case disjoint) questions +and answers will come out next to each other. Enjoy... + + S. What the acorn said when he grew up + N. bisects + u. A dead parrot + g. center + F. What you should do when it rains + R. hypotenuse + m. A geometer who has been to the beach + H. coincide + h. The set of cards is missing + y. polygon + A. The boy has a speech defect + t. secant + K. How they schedule gym class + p. tangent + b. What he did when his mother-in-law wanted to go home + D. ellipse + O. The tall kettle boiling on the stove + W. geometry + r. Why the girl doesn't run a 4-minute mile + j. decagon + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math108.txt b/ai/learn/math/math108.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..474f8e7 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math108.txt @@ -0,0 +1,28 @@ + +___ 1. That which Noah built. +___ 2. An article for serving ice cream. +___ 3. What a bloodhound does in chasing a woman. +___ 4. An expression to represent the loss of a parrot. +___ 5. An appropriate title for a knight named Koal. +___ 6. A sunburned man. +___ 7. A tall coffee pot perking. +___ 8. What one does when it rains. +___ 9. A dog sitting in a refrigerator. +___ 10. What a boy does on the lake when his motor won't run. +___ 11. What you call a person who writes for an inn. +___ 12. What the captain said when the boat was bombed. +___ 13. What a little acorn says when he grows up. +___ 14. What one does to trees that are in the way. +___ 15. What you do if you have yarn and needles. +___ 16. Can George Washington turn into a country? + + +A. hypotenuse I. circle +B. polygon J. axiom +C. inscribe K. cone +D. geometry L. coincide +E. unit M. cosecant +F. center N. tangent +G. decagone O. hero +H. arc P. perpendicular + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math109.txt b/ai/learn/math/math109.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..fd2ed3c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math109.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13 @@ + +A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag +pole. They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite +frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole. It kept falling +down, etc. + +A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to +remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily. + +When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: "Just like a +mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the +length!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math11.txt b/ai/learn/math/math11.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e76a84e --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math11.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ + +Why did the computer scientist die in the shower? +Because he read the instructions on the shampoo bottle, "Lather, +rinse, repeat." + +Why did the calculus student have so much trouble making Kool-Aid? +Because he couldn't figure out how to get a quart of water into the +little package. + +Q: Why do computer scientists confuse Christmas and Halloween? +A: Because Oct 31 = Dec 25 + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math110.txt b/ai/learn/math/math110.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5955b55 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math110.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ + +A man camped in a national park, and noticed Mr. Snake and Mrs. Snake +slithering by. "Where are all the little snakes?" he asked. Mr. +Snake replied, "We are adders, so we cannot multiply." + +The following year, the man returned to the same camping spot. This +time there were a whole batch of little snakes. "I thought you said +you could not multiply," he said to Mr. Snake. "Well, the park ranger +came by and built a log table, so now we can multiply by adding!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math111.txt b/ai/learn/math/math111.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..6bf646c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math111.txt @@ -0,0 +1,20 @@ + +Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is +not yet ready. "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We +are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share +the room with others." he is told by the doorman (say his name is +Pete). Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is +no need to make such a great fuss. So Pete leads him to the dorm. +They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present +inhabitants. "See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of +180!" +"Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!" +"And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!" +"Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss physics!" +"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!" +"That Wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!" +Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it. +"I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80." +Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where to you think interest +rates are headed?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math112.txt b/ai/learn/math/math112.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b76f444 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math112.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ + +97.3% of all statistics are made up. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math114.txt b/ai/learn/math/math114.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a219917 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math114.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + +There was once a very smart horse. Anything that was shown it, it +mastered easily, until one day, its teachers tried to teach it about +rectangular coordinates and it couldn't understand them. All the +horse's acquaintances and friends tried to figure out what was the +matter and couldn't. Then a new guy (what the heck, a computer +engineer) looked at the problem and said, + +"Of course he can't do it. Why, you're putting Descartes before the +horse!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math115.txt b/ai/learn/math/math115.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..012faa4 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math115.txt @@ -0,0 +1,20 @@ + + TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR NOT DOING THE MATH HOMEWORK + +1. I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames. +2. Isaac Newton's birthday. +3. I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't + actually reach it. +4. I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin. +5. I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove + that it converged. +6. I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy. +7. I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in + and ate it. +8. I couldn't figure out whether i am the square of negative one or + i is the square root of negative one. +9. I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee. + I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk. +10. I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but + this morning I couldn't find it. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math116.txt b/ai/learn/math/math116.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f598559 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math116.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +The guy gets on a bus and starts threatening everybody: "I'll integrate +you! I'll differentiate you!!!" So everybody gets scared and runs +away. Only one person stays. The guy comes up to him and says: +"Aren't you scared, I'll integrate you, I'll differentiate you!!!" And +the other guy says; "No, I am not scared, I am e to the x." + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math117.txt b/ai/learn/math/math117.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0724eb6 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math117.txt @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ + +A mathematician went insane and believed that he was the +differentiation operator. His friends had him placed in a mental +hospital until he got better. All day he would go around frightening +the other patients by staring at them and saying "I differentiate +you!" + +One day he met a new patient; and true to form he stared at him and +said "I differentiate you!", but for once, his victim's expression +didn't change. Surprised, the mathematician marshalled his energies, +stared fiercely at the new patient and said loudly "I differentiate +you!", but still the other man had no reaction. Finally, in +frustration, the mathematician screamed out "I DIFFERENTIATE YOU!" -- +at which point the new patient calmly looked up and said, "You can +differentiate me all you like: I'm e to the x." + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math118.txt b/ai/learn/math/math118.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..832c5f3 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math118.txt @@ -0,0 +1,20 @@ + + / + | 1 + | ----- = log cabin + | cabin + / + + Oops, you forgot your constant of integration. + + + / + | 1 + | ----- = log cabin + C + | cabin + / + + And, as we all know, + + log cabin + C = houseboat + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math119.txt b/ai/learn/math/math119.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..19ad375 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math119.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + + 8 5 +If lim - = oo (infinity), then what does lim - = ? + x->0 x x->0 x + +answer: (write 5 on it's side) + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math12.txt b/ai/learn/math/math12.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..67b35ff --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math12.txt @@ -0,0 +1,32 @@ + +Here are some phrases used to remember SIN, COS, and TAN. +(SIN = Opposite/Hypotenuse, COS = Adjacent/H, TAN = O/A). + +1. SOHCAHTOA (sock-a-toe-a) + +2. The Cat Sat + On An Orange + And Howled Hard + +3. Some Old Hulks + Carry A Huge + Tub Of Ale + +4. Silly Old Hitler + Caused Awful Headaches + To Our Airmen + +5. Some Old Hag + Cracked All Her + Teeth On Asparagus + +6. Some Old Hairy + Camels Are Hairier + Than Others Are + +7. Silly Old Harry + Caught A Herring + Trawling Off America + +8. SOPHY, CADHY, TOAD + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math120.txt b/ai/learn/math/math120.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d5b5369 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math120.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +Why did the cat fall off the roof? + +Because he lost his mu. (mew=sound cats make, mu=coeff of friction) + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math121.txt b/ai/learn/math/math121.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b68139b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math121.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +Boy's Life, May 1973: + +Ralph: Dad, will you do my math for me tonight? +Dad: No, son, it wouldn't be right. +Ralph: Well, you could try. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math122.txt b/ai/learn/math/math122.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..582cf1d --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math122.txt @@ -0,0 +1,28 @@ + +Mrs. Johnson the elementary school math teacher was having children do +problems on the blackboard that day. + +``Who would like to do the first problem, addition?'' + +No one raised their hand. She called on Tommy, and with some help he +finally got it right. + +``Who would like to do the second problem, subtraction?'' + +Students hid their faces. She called on Mark, who got the problem but +there was some suspicion his girlfriend Lisa whispered it to him. + +``Who would like to do the third problem, division?'' + +Now a low collective groan could be heard as everyone looked at +nothing in particular. The teacher called on Suzy, who got it right +(she has been known to hold back sometimes in front of her friends). + +``Who would like to do the last problem, multiplication?'' + +Tim's hand shot up, surprising everyone in the room. Mrs. Johnson +finally gained her composure in the stunned silence. ``Why the +enthusiasm, Tim?'' + +``God said to go fourth and multiply!'' + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math124.txt b/ai/learn/math/math124.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..14f8a26 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math124.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + +In the bayous of Louisiana, there is a small river called the Dirac. +Many wealthy people have their mansions near its mouth. One of the +social leaders decided to have a grand ball. Being a cousin of the +Governor, she arranged for a detachment of the state militia to serve +as guards and traffic directors for the big doings. A captain was +sent over with a small company; naturally he asked if there was enough +room for him and his unit. The social leader replied, "But of course, +Captain! It is well known that the Dirac delta function has unit +area." + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math125.txt b/ai/learn/math/math125.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c145364 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math125.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +Albert Einstein, who fancied himself as a violinist, was rehearsing a +Haydn string quartet. When he failed for the fourth time to get his +entry in the second movement, the cellist looked up and said, "The +problem with you, Albert, is that you simply can't count." + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math126.txt b/ai/learn/math/math126.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..79b21d0 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math126.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ + +Some famous mathematician was to give a keynote speech at a +conference. Asked for an advance summary, he said he would present a +proof of Fermat's Last Theorem -- but they should keep it under their +hats. When he arrived, though, he spoke on a much more prosaic +topic. Afterwards the conference organizers asked why he said he'd +talk about the theorem and then didn't. He replied this was his +standard practice, just in case he was killed on the way to the +conference. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math127.txt b/ai/learn/math/math127.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9312f20 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math127.txt @@ -0,0 +1,24 @@ + +When I was a Math/Chem grad student at Princeton in 1973-74, there was +a story going around about a grad student. This guy was always late. +One day he stumbled into class late, saw seven problems written on the +board, and wrote them down. As the week went on he began to panic: +the math department at Princeton is fiercely competitive, and here he +was unable to do most of a simple homework assignment! When the next +class rolled around he only had solved two of the problems, although +he had a pretty good idea of how to solve a third but not enough time +to complete it. + +When he dejectedly flung his partial assignment on the prof's desk, +the prof asked him "What's that?" "The homework." "What homework?" +Eventually it came out that what the prof had written on the board +were the seven most important unsolved problems in the field. + +This is largely an academic legend, at least according to Jan Harold +Brunvand, the author of a series of books on so-called Urban Legends. +He talks about it in his latest book _Curses! Broiled Again!_ in the +chapter entitled "The Unsolvable Math Problem." It is, however, based +in some fact. The Stanford mathematician, George B. Danzig, +apparently managed to solve two statistics problems previously +unsolved under similar circumstances. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math128.txt b/ai/learn/math/math128.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..98a7fc0 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math128.txt @@ -0,0 +1,26 @@ + +The following problem can be solved either the easy way or the hard way. + +Two trains 200 miles apart are moving toward each other; each one is +going at a speed of 50 miles per hour. A fly starting on the front of +one of them flies back and forth between them at a rate of 75 miles +per hour. It does this until the trains collide and crush the fly to +death. What is the total distance the fly has flown? + +The fly actually hits each train an infinite number of times before it +gets crushed, and one could solve the problem the hard way with pencil +and paper by summing an infinite series of distances. The easy way +is as follows: Since the trains are 200 miles apart and each train is +going 50 miles an hour, it takes 2 hours for the trains to collide. +Therefore the fly was flying for two hours. Since the fly was flying +at a rate of 75 miles per hour, the fly must have flown 150 miles. +That's all there is to it. + +When this problem was posed to John von Neumann, he immediately +replied, "150 miles." + +"It is very strange," said the poser, "but nearly everyone tries to +sum the infinite series." + +"What do you mean, strange?" asked Von Neumann. "That's how I did it!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math129.txt b/ai/learn/math/math129.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..357bfb6 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math129.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them, they +translate it into their own language, and forthwith it means something +entirely different. + -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math130.txt b/ai/learn/math/math130.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..3203d9c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math130.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +"The reason that every major university maintains a department of +mathematics is that it is cheaper to do this than to institutionalize +all those people." + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math131.txt b/ai/learn/math/math131.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9d3d01b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math131.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Three mathematicians and a physicist walk into a bar. +You'd think the second one would have ducked. (Ha, that quack's me up!) + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math132.txt b/ai/learn/math/math132.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a3b1f9e --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math132.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +What do you call a young eigensheep? + +A lamb, duh!!! + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math134.txt b/ai/learn/math/math134.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0b6f611 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math134.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + +One day a farmer called up an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician +and asked them to fence of the largest possible area with the least +amount of fence. The engineer made the fence in a circle and +proclaimed that he had the most efficient design. The physicist made +a long, straight line and proclaimed 'We can assume the length is +infinite...' and pointed out that fencing off half of the Earth was +certainly a more efficient way to do it. The Mathematician just +laughed at them. He built a tiny fence around himself and said 'I +declare myself to be on the outside.' + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math135.txt b/ai/learn/math/math135.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..cdb8698 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math135.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ + +An engineer, a mathematician, and a computer programmer are driving +down the road when the car they are in gets a flat tire. The engineer +says that they should buy a new car. The mathematician says they +should sell the old tire and buy a new one. The computer programmer +says they should drive the car around the block and see if the tire +fixes itself. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math136.txt b/ai/learn/math/math136.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..bbaac32 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math136.txt @@ -0,0 +1,24 @@ + +A math/computer science convention was being held. On the train to +the convention, a bunch of math majors and a bunch of computer science +majors were on the train. Each of the math majors had his/her train +ticket. The group of computer science majors had only ONE ticket for +all of them. The math majors started laughing and snickering. + +Then, one of the CS majors said "here comes the conductor" and then +all of the CS majors went into the bathroom. The math majors were +puzzled. The conductor came aboard and said "tickets please" and got +tickets from all the math majors. He then went to the bathroom and +knocked on the door and said "ticket please" and the CS majors stuck +the ticket under the door. The conductor took it and then the CS +majors came out of the bathroom a few minutes later. The math majors +felt really stupid. + +So, on the way back from the convention, the group of math majors had +one ticket for the group. They started snickering at the CS majors, +for the whole group had no tickets amongst them. Then, the CS major +lookout said "Conductor coming!". All the CS majors went to the +bathroom. All the math majors went to another bathroom. Then, before +the conductor came on board, one of the CS majors left the bathroom, +knocked on the other bathroom, and said "ticket please." + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math137.txt b/ai/learn/math/math137.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f8eb3a5 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math137.txt @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ + +The following is supposedly a true story about Russell. It isn't +really a math joke since it makes fun of the British hierarchy, but +it's funny anyway.... + +Around the time when Cold War started, Bertrand Russell was giving a +lecture on politics in England. Being a leftist in a conservative +women's club, he was not received well at all: the ladies came up to +him and started attacking him with whatever they could get their hands +on. The guard, being an English gentleman, did not want to be rough +to the ladies and yet needed to save Russell from them. He said, "But +he is a great mathematician!" The ladies ignored him. The guard said +again, "But he is a great philosopher!" The ladies ignore him again. +In desperation, finally, he said, "But his brother is an earl!" Bert +was saved. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math138.txt b/ai/learn/math/math138.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..ec2035f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math138.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13 @@ + +Another "true" story, kinda like the aforementioned urban legend: + +Enrico Fermi, while studying in college, was bored by his math +classes. He walked up to the professor and said, "My classes are too +easy!" The professor looked at him, and said, "Well, I'm sure you'll +find this interesting." Then the professor copied 9 problems from a +book to a paper and gave the paper to Fermi. A month later, the +professor ran into Fermi, "So how are you doing with the problems I +gave you?" "Oh, they are very hard. I only managed to solve 6 of +them." The professor was visibly shocked, "What!? But those are +unsolved problems!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math139.txt b/ai/learn/math/math139.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a377b86 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math139.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13 @@ + +An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician find themselves in an +anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no +doubt already heard. After some observations and rough calculations, +the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few +minutes later the physicist understands, too, and chuckles to himself +happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. +This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed +right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite +rapidly the presence of humour from similar anecdotes, but considers +this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let +alone funny. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math14.txt b/ai/learn/math/math14.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d4b99a8 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math14.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ + +Three Laws of Thermodynamics (paraphrased): + +First Law: You can't get anything without working for it. + +Second Law: The most you can accomplish by work is to break even. + +Third Law: You can't break even. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math15.txt b/ai/learn/math/math15.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..56d8bd6 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math15.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +Q: What goes "Pieces of seven! Pieces of seven!"? +A: A parroty error!! + +Q: What did the circle say to the tangent line? +A: "Stop touching me!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math16.txt b/ai/learn/math/math16.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..693d141 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math16.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +A mathematician is a person who says that, when 3 people are supposed +to be in a room but 5 came out, 2 have to go in so the room gets +empty... + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math17.txt b/ai/learn/math/math17.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..bde31b5 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math17.txt @@ -0,0 +1,92 @@ + +The upgrade path to the most powerful and satisfying computer: + + * Pocket calculator + + * Commodore Pet / Apple II / TRS 80 / Commodore 64 / Timex Sinclair + (Choose any of the above) + + * IBM PC + + * Apple Macintosh + + * Fastest workstation of the time (HP, DEC, IBM, SGI: your choice) + + * Minicomputer (HP, DEC, IBM, SGI: your choice) + + * Mainframe (IBM, Cray, DEC: your choice) + + +And then you reach the pinnacle of modern computing facilities: + +********************************************************* +******* G R A D U A T E S T U D E N T S ******** +********************************************************* + +Yes, you just sit back and do all of your computing through lowly +graduate students. Imagine the advantages: + + * Multi-processing, with as many processes as you have + students. You can easily add more power by promising more + desperate undergrads that they can indeed escape college + through your guidance. Special student units can even + handle several tasks *on*their*own*! + + * Full voice recognition interface. Never touch a keyboard or + mouse again. Just mumble commands and they *will* be + understood (or else!). + + * No hardware upgrades and no installation required. Every + student comes complete with all hardware necessary. Never + again fry a chip or $10,000 board by improper installation! + Just sit that sniveling student at a desk, give it writing + utensils (making sure to point out which is the dangerous + end) and off it goes. + + * Low maintenance. Remember when that hard disk crashed in + your Beta 9900, causing all of your work to go the great bit + bucket in the sky? This won't happen with grad. students. + All that is required is that you give them a good *whack!* + upside the head when they are acting up, and they will run + good as new. + + * Abuse module. Imagine yelling expletives at your computer. + Doesn't work too well, because your machine just sits there + and ignores you. Through the grad student abuse module you + can put the fear of god in them, and get results to boot! + + * Built-in lifetime. Remember that awful feeling two years + after you bought your GigaPlutz mainframe when the new + faculty member on the block sneered at you because his + FeelyWup workstation could compute rings around your + dinosaur? This doesn't happen with grad. students. When + they start wearing and losing productivity, simply give them + the PhD and boot them out onto the street to fend for + themselves. Out of sight, out of mind! + + * Cheap fuel: students run on Coca Cola (or the high-octane + equivalent -- Jolt Cola) and typically consume hot spicy + chinese dishes, cheap taco substitutes, or completely + synthetic macaroni replacements. It is entirely unnecessary + to plug the student into the wall socket (although this does + get them going a little faster from time to time). + + * Expansion options. If your grad. students don't seem to be + performing too well, consider adding a handy system manager + or software engineer upgrade. These guys are guaranteed to + require even less than a student, and typically establish + permanent residence in the computer room. You'll never know + they are around! (Which you certainly can't say for an + AXZ3000-69 150gigahertz space-heater sitting on your desk + with its ten noisy fans....) [Note however that the + engineering department still hasn't worked out some of the + idiosyncratic bugs in these expansion options, such as + incessant muttering at nobody in particular, occasionaly + screaming at your grad. students, and posting ridiculous + messages on world-wide bulletin boards.] + +So forget your Babbage Engines and abacuses (abaci?) and PortaBooks +and DEK 666-3D's and all that other silicon garbage. The wave of the +future is in wetware, so invest in graduate students today! You'll never +go back! + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math18.txt b/ai/learn/math/math18.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..8590cc0 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math18.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ + +If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was +standing on the shoulder of giants. + -- Isaac Newton + +If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants +were standing on my shoulders. + -- Hal Abelson + +In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. + -- Brian K. Reid + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math19.txt b/ai/learn/math/math19.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c5efec6 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math19.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +He thinks he's really smooth, but he's only C^1. +He's always going off on a tangent. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math2.txt b/ai/learn/math/math2.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0c3d7af --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math2.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + + Why is the number 10 afraid of seven? + + -- because seven ate nine. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math20.txt b/ai/learn/math/math20.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e509a86 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math20.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ + +Math and Alcohol don't mix, so... + +PLEASE DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE + +Then there's every parent's scream when their child walks into the +room dazed and staggering: + +OH NO...YOU'VE BEEN TAKING DERIVATIVES!! + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math21.txt b/ai/learn/math/math21.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..44222ef --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math21.txt @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ + +A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment. +The mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and a +beautiful naked woman is placed on a bed at the other end of the room. +The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every +five minutes, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its +current location and the woman on the bed." The mathematician looks +at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through +this. You know I'll never reach the bed!" And he gets up and storms +out. The psychologist makes a note on his clipboard and ushers the +physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes +light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused. +"Don't you realize that you'll never reach her?" The physicist smiles +and replied, "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical +purposes!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math22.txt b/ai/learn/math/math22.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..ec2bc7e --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math22.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +Dean, to the physics department. "Why do I always have to give you +guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and +stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math department - all they need +is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, +like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper." + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math24.txt b/ai/learn/math/math24.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7fb359f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math24.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ + +A physicist and a mathematician setting in a faculty lounge. +Suddenly, the coffee machine catches on fire. The physicist grabs a +bucket and leaps towards the sink, fills the bucket with water and +puts out the fire. The second day, the same two sit in the same +lounge. Again, the coffee machine catches on fire. This time, the +mathematician stands up, gets a bucket, hands the bucket to the +physicist, thus reducing the problem to a previously solved one. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math25.txt b/ai/learn/math/math25.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..be7cd3f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math25.txt @@ -0,0 +1,22 @@ + +An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist are staying in three +adjoining cabins at a decrepit old motel. + +First the engineer's coffee maker catches fire on the bathroom vanity. +He smells the smoke, wakes up, unplugs it, throws it out the window, +and goes back to sleep. + +Later that night the physicist smells smoke too. He wakes up and sees +that a cigarette butt has set the trash can on fire. He says to +himself, "Hmm. How does one put out a fire? One can reduce the +temperature of the fuel below the flash point, isolate the burning +material from oxygen, or both. This could be accomplished by applying +water." So he picks up the trash can, puts it in the shower stall, +turns on the water, and, when the fire is out, goes back to sleep. + +The mathematician, of course, has been watching all this out the +window. So later, when he finds that his pipe ashes have set the +bedsheet on fire, he is not in the least taken aback. He immediately +sees that the problem reduces to one that has already been solved and +goes back to sleep. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math26.txt b/ai/learn/math/math26.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..de2e168 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math26.txt @@ -0,0 +1,22 @@ + +A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question: + + Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and + a hose not connected to the hydrant. What would you do? + +P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out + the fire. + +M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out + the fire. + +Then they were asked this question: + + Suppose you walked by a house and saw a hose connected to + a hydrant. What would you do? + +P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve. + +M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire, + reducing the problem to a previously solved form. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math27.txt b/ai/learn/math/math27.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..121c717 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math27.txt @@ -0,0 +1,18 @@ + +There were two men trying to decide what to do for a living. They +went to see a counselor, and he decided that they had good problem +solving skills. + +He tried a test to narrow the area of specialty. He put each man in a +room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the table. He said +"Boil the water". Both men moved the pot from the table to the stove +and turned on the burner to boil the water. Next, he put them into a +room with a stove, a table, and a pot of water on the floor. Again, +he said "Boil the water". The first man put the pot on the stove and +turned on the burner. The counselor told him to be an Engineer, +because he could solve each problem individually. The second man +moved the pot from the floor to the table, and then moved the pot from +the table to the stove and turned on the burner. The counselor told +him to be a mathematician because he reduced the problem to a +previously solved problem. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math28.txt b/ai/learn/math/math28.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..613384f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math28.txt @@ -0,0 +1,22 @@ + +So a mathematician, an engineer, and a physicist are out hunting +together. They spy a deer(*) in the woods. + +The physicist calculates the velocity of the deer and the effect of +gravity on the bullet, aims his rifle and fires. Alas, he misses; the +bullet passes three feet behind the deer. The deer bolts some yards, +but comes to a halt, still within sight of the trio. + +"Shame you missed," comments the engineer, "but of course with an +ordinary gun, one would expect that." He then levels his special +deer-hunting gun, which he rigged together from an ordinary rifle, a +sextant, a compass, a barometer, and a bunch of flashing lights which +don't do anything but impress onlookers, and fires. Alas, his bullet +passes three feet in front of the deer, who by this time wises up and +vanishes for good. + +"Well," says the physicist, "your contraption didn't get it either." + +"What do you mean?" pipes up the mathematician. "Between the two of +you, that was a perfect shot!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math29.txt b/ai/learn/math/math29.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0f0afe3 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math29.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + +(*) How they knew it was a deer: + +The physicist observed that it behaved in a deer-like manner, so it +must be a deer. + +The mathematician asked the physicist what it was, thereby reducing it +to a previously solved problem. + +The engineer was in the woods to hunt deer, therefore it was a deer. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math30.txt b/ai/learn/math/math30.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..43f98f0 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math30.txt @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ + +A computer scientist, mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were +travelling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the +window of the train. + +"Aha," says the engineer, "I see that Scottish sheep are black." + +"Hmm," says the physicist, "You mean that some Scottish sheep are +black." + +"No," says the mathematician, "All we know is that there is at least +one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is +black!" + +"Oh, no!" shouts the computer scientist, "A special case!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math31.txt b/ai/learn/math/math31.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..6a404e1 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math31.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13 @@ + +A Mathematician (M) and an Engineer (E) attend a lecture by a +Physicist. The topic concerns Kulza-Klein theories involving physical +processes that occur in spaces with dimensions of 11, 12 and even +higher. The M is sitting, clearly enjoying the lecture, while the E +is frowning and looking generally confused and puzzled. By the end +the E has a terrible headache. At the end, the M comments about the +wonderful lecture. The E says "How do you understand this stuff?" +M: "I just visualize the process." +E: "How can you POSSIBLY visualize something that occurs in +11-dimensional space?" +M: "Easy, first visualize it in N-dimensional space, then let N go to 11." + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math32.txt b/ai/learn/math/math32.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0d23fd3 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math32.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ + +What is "pi"? + +Mathematician: Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the + circumference of a circle and its diameter. + +Physicist: Pi is 3.1415927 plus or minus 0.00000005 + +Engineer: Pi is about 3. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math34.txt b/ai/learn/math/math34.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..eecfee4 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math34.txt @@ -0,0 +1,14 @@ + +An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an +anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no +doubt already heard. After some observations and rough calculations +the engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few +minutes later the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself +happily as he now has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. + +This leaves the mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed +right away that he was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite +rapidly the presence of humour from similar anecdotes, but considers +this anecdote to be too trivial a corollary to be significant, let +alone funny. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math35.txt b/ai/learn/math/math35.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f2e9823 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math35.txt @@ -0,0 +1,54 @@ + +Q: What's purple and commutes? +A: An abelian grape. + +Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"? +A: Because he left a residue at every pole. + +Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation + function, the more expensive it becomes to compute? +A: That's the Law of Spline Demand. + +Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? +A: One, who gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing it to an + earlier riddle. + -- from a button I bought at Nancy Lebowitz's table at Boskone + +Q: What do a mathematician and a physicist [or engineer, or musician, + or whatever the profession of the person addressed] have in common? +A: They are both stupid, with the exception of the mathematician. + +Q: What do you call a teapot of boiling water on top of mount everest? +A: A high-pot-in-use + +Q: What do you call a broken record? +A: A Decca-gone + +Q: What do you get when you cross 50 female pigs and 50 male deer? +A: One hundred sows-and-bucks + +Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip? +A: To get to the other ... er, um ... + +Q: What is the world's longest song? +A: "Aleph-nought Bottles of Beer on the Wall." + +Q: What does a mathematician do when he's constipated? +A: He works it out with a pencil. + +Q: What's yellow and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice. +A: Zorn's Lemon. + +Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a zebra. +A: Elephant zebra sin theta. + +Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant with a mountain climber. +A: You can't do that. A mountain climber is a scalar. + +Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a banana? +A: Elephant banana sine theta in a direction mutually perpendicular to + the two as determined by the right hand rule. + +Q: To what question is the answer "9W." +A: "Dr. Wiener, do you spell your name with a V?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math36.txt b/ai/learn/math/math36.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c1480d8 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math36.txt @@ -0,0 +1,28 @@ + +A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge +in pill form. + +A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what +kind of knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says "Here's a +pill for English literature." The student takes the pill and swallows +it and has new knowledge about English literature! + +"What else do you have?" asks the student. + +"Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," +replies the pharmacist. + +The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge +about those subjects. + +Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?" + +The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", and goes back into the +storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the +counter. + +"I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student. + +The pharmacist replied "Well, you know math always was a little hard +to swallow." + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math37.txt b/ai/learn/math/math37.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..bbf5f74 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math37.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +"A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems" + -- P. Erdos + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math38.txt b/ai/learn/math/math38.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..525ee7a --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math38.txt @@ -0,0 +1,17 @@ + +Three standard Peter Lax jokes (heard in his lectures) : + +1. What's the contour integral around Western Europe? + Answer: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe! + Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but + they are removable! + +2. An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his very religious + colleague: + Do you believe in one God? + Answer: Yes, up to isomorphism! + +3. What is a compact city? + It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted + policemen! + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math39.txt b/ai/learn/math/math39.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..6170675 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math39.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ + +"Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about." + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math4.txt b/ai/learn/math/math4.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1767a4f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math4.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +What's big, grey, and proves the uncountability of the reals? +Cantor's Diagonal Elephant! + +How can you tell that Harvard was layed out by a mathematician? +The div school [divinity school] is right next to the grad school... + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math40.txt b/ai/learn/math/math40.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f369e60 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math40.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + +Heisenberg might have slept here. + +Moebius always does it on the same side. + +Statisticians probably do it + +Algebraists do it in groups. + +(Logicians do it) or [not (logicians do it)]. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math41.txt b/ai/learn/math/math41.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5574258 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math41.txt @@ -0,0 +1,23 @@ + +There was a mad scientist ( a mad ...social... scientist ) who +kidnapped three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a +mathematician, and locked each of them in seperate cells with plenty +of canned food and water but no can opener. + +A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's +cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can +opener from pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to +make an explosive, and escaped. + +The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids off +the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a +good pitching arm and a new quantum theory. + +The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising +solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse was propped +calmly against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor in blood: + + Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die. + + Proof: assume the opposite... + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math42.txt b/ai/learn/math/math42.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5889c44 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math42.txt @@ -0,0 +1,75 @@ + +Problem: To Catch a Lion in the Sahara Desert. + +(Hunting lions in Africa was originally published as "A contribution +to the mathematical theory of big game hunting" in the American +Mathematical Monthly in 1938 by "H. Petard, of Princeton NJ" [actually +the late Ralph Boas]. It has been reprinted several times. + +1. Mathematical Methods + +1.1 The Hilbert (axiomatic) method + +We place a locked cage onto a given point in the desert. After that +we introduce the following logical system: + Axiom 1: The set of lions in the Sahara is not empty. + Axiom 2: If there exists a lion in the Sahara, then there exists a + lion in the cage. + Procedure: If P is a theorem, and if the following is holds: + "P implies Q", then Q is a theorem. + Theorem 1: There exists a lion in the cage. + +1.2 The geometrical inversion method + +We place a spherical cage in the desert, enter it and lock it from +inside. We then perform an inversion with respect to the cage. Then +the lion is inside the cage, and we are outside. + +1.3 The projective geometry method + +Without loss of generality, we can view the desert as a plane surface. +We project the surface onto a line and afterwards the line onto an +interior point of the cage. Thereby the lion is mapped onto that same +point. + +1.4 The Bolzano-Weierstrass method + +Divide the desert by a line running from north to south. The lion is +then either in the eastern or in the western part. Let's assume it is +in the eastern part. Divide this part by a line running from east to +west. The lion is either in the northern or in the southern part. +Let's assume it is in the northern part. We can continue this process +arbitrarily and thereby constructing with each step an increasingly +narrow fence around the selected area. The diameter of the chosen +partitions converges to zero so that the lion is caged into a fence of +arbitrarily small diameter. + +1.5 The set theoretical method + +We observe that the desert is a separable space. It therefore +contains an enumerable dense set of points which constitutes a +sequence with the lion as its limit. We silently approach the lion in +this sequence, carrying the proper equipment with us. + +1.6 The Peano method + +In the usual way construct a curve containing every point in the +desert. It has been proven [1] that such a curve can be traversed in +arbitrarily short time. Now we traverse the curve, carrying a spear, +in a time less than what it takes the lion to move a distance equal to +its own length. + +1.7 A topological method + +We observe that the lion possesses the topological gender of a torus. +We embed the desert in a four dimensional space. Then it is possible +to apply a deformation [2] of such a kind that the lion when returning +to the three dimensional space is all tied up in itself. It is then +completely helpless. + +1.8 The Cauchy method + +We examine a lion-valued function f(z). Be \zeta the cage. Consider +the integral + + 1 [ f(z) diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math44.txt b/ai/learn/math/math44.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..51fac09 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math44.txt @@ -0,0 +1,111 @@ + +4 Contributions from Computer Science. + +4.1 The search method + +We assume that the lion is most likely to be found in the direction to +the north of the point where we are standing. Therefore the REAL +problem we have is that of speed, since we are only using a PC to +solve the problem. + +4.2 The parallel search method. + +By using parallelism we will be able to search in the direction to the +north much faster than earlier. + +4.3 The Monte-Carlo method. + +We pick a random number indexing the space we search. By excluding +neighboring points in the search, we can drastically reduce the number +of points we need to consider. The lion will according to probability +appear sooner or later. + +4.4 The practical approach. + +We see a rabbit very close to us. Since it is already dead, it is +particularly easy to catch. We therefore catch it and call it a lion. + +4.5 The common language approach. + +If only everyone used ADA/Common Lisp/Prolog, this problem would be +trivial to solve. + +4.6 The standard approach. + +We know what a Lion is from ISO 4711/X.123. Since CCITT have specified +a Lion to be a particular option of a cat we will have to wait for a +harmonized standard to appear. $20,000,000 have been funded for +initial investigations into this standard development. + +4.7 Linear search. + +Stand in the top left hand corner of the Sahara Desert. Take one step +east. Repeat until you have found the lion, or you reach the right +hand edge. If you reach the right hand edge, take one step +southwards, and proceed towards the left hand edge. When you finally +reach the lion, put it the cage. If the lion should happen to eat you +before you manage to get it in the cage, press the reset button, and +try again. + +4.8 The Dijkstra approach: + +The way the problem reached me was: catch a wild lion in the Sahara +Desert. Another way of stating the problem is: + + Axiom 1: Sahara elem deserts + Axiom 2: Lion elem Sahara + Axiom 3: NOT(Lion elem cage) + +We observe the following invariant: + + P1: C(L) v not(C(L)) + +where C(L) means: the value of "L" is in the cage. + +Establishing C initially is trivially accomplished with the statement + + ;cage := {} + +Note 0: +This is easily implemented by opening the door to the cage and shaking +out any lions that happen to be there initially. +(End of note 0.) + +The obvious program structure is then: + + ;cage:={} + ;do NOT (C(L)) -> + ;"approach lion under invariance of P1" + ;if P(L) -> + ;"insert lion in cage" + [] not P(L) -> + ;skip + ;fi + ;od + +where P(L) means: the value of L is within arm's reach. + +Note 1: +Axiom 2 ensures that the loop terminates. +(End of note 1.) + +Exercise 0: +Refine the step "Approach lion under invariance of P1". +(End of exercise 0.) + +Note 2: +The program is robust in the sense that it will lead to +abortion if the value of L is "lioness". +(End of note 2.) + +Remark 0: This may be a new sense of the word "robust" for you. +(End of remark 0.) + +Note 3: + +>From observation we can see that the above program leads to the +desired goal. It goes without saying that we therefore do not have to +run it. +(End of note 3.) +(End of approach.) + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math45.txt b/ai/learn/math/math45.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..2d9d531 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math45.txt @@ -0,0 +1,18 @@ + +For other articles, see also: + +A Random Walk in Science - R.L. Weber and E. Mendoza +More Random Walks In Science - R.L. Weber and E. Mendoza +In Mathematical Circles (2 volumes) - Howard Eves +Mathematical Circles Revisited - Howard Eves +Mathematical Circles Squared - Howard Eves +Fantasia Mathematica - Clifton Fadiman +The Mathematical Magpi - Clifton Fadiman +Seven Years of Manifold - Jaworski +The Best of the Journal of Irreproducible Results - George H. Scheer +Mathematics Made Difficult - Linderholm +A Stress-Analysis of a Strapless Evening Gown - Robert Baker +The Worm-Runners Digest +Knuth's April 1984 CACM article on The Space Complexity of Songs +Stolfi and ?? SIGACT article on Pessimal Algorithms and Simplexity Analysis + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math46.txt b/ai/learn/math/math46.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..3bba85f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math46.txt @@ -0,0 +1,14 @@ + +This poem was written by Jon Saxton (an author of math textbooks). + +((12 + 144 + 20 + (3 * 4^(1/2))) / 7) + (5 * 11) = 9^2 + 0 + + +Or for those who have trouble with the poem: + +A Dozen, a Gross and a Score, +plus three times the square root of four, +divided by seven, +plus five times eleven, +equals nine squared and not a bit more. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math47.txt b/ai/learn/math/math47.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..fe6e4ae --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math47.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ + + 'Tis a favorite project of mine + A new value of pi to assign. + I would fix it at 3 + For it's simpler, you see, + Than 3 point 1 4 1 5 9. + +("The Lure of the Limerick" by W.S. Baring-Gould, p.5. Attributed to +Harvey L. Carter). + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math48.txt b/ai/learn/math/math48.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..6e606b2 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math48.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +If inside a circle a line +Hits the center and goes spine to spine +And the line's length is "d" +the circumference will be +d times 3.14159 + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math49.txt b/ai/learn/math/math49.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..07c168b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math49.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +If (1+x) (real close to 1) +Is raised to the power of 1 +Over x, you will find +Here's the value defined: +2.718281... + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math5.txt b/ai/learn/math/math5.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..dfb81b8 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math5.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +The Stanford Linear Accelerator Center was known as SLAC, until the +big earthquake, when it became known as SPLAC. + +SPLAC? Stanford Piecewise Linear Accelerator. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math50.txt b/ai/learn/math/math50.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e832f38 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math50.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +Here's a limerick I picked up off the net a few years back - looks better +on paper. + + \/3 + / + | 2 3 x 3.14 3_ diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math51.txt b/ai/learn/math/math51.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..4e71ed9 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math51.txt @@ -0,0 +1,14 @@ + | 9 + / + 1 + +Which, of course, translates to: + +Integral z-squared dz +from 1 to the square root of 3 +times the cosine +of three pi over 9 +equals log of the cube root of 'e'. + +And it's correct, too. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math52.txt b/ai/learn/math/math52.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7e6bb40 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math52.txt @@ -0,0 +1,15 @@ + +Not a joke, but a humorous ditty I heard from some guys in an +engineering fraternity (to the best of my recollection): + +I'll do it phonetically: + +ee to the ex dee ex, +ee to the why dee why, +sine x, cosine x, +natural log of y, +derivative on the left +derivative on the right +integrate, integrate, +fight! fight! fight! + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math54.txt b/ai/learn/math/math54.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5c3bd87 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math54.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ + +Other cheers: + +E to the x dx dy +radical transcendental pi +secant cosine tangent sine +3.14159 +2.71828 +come on folks let's integerate!! + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math55.txt b/ai/learn/math/math55.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..70c1d8e --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math55.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +E to the i dx dy +E to y dy +cosine secant log of pi +disintegrate em RPI !!! + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math56.txt b/ai/learn/math/math56.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..33b62a6 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math56.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +square root, tangent +hyperbolic sine, +3.14159 +e to the x, dy, dx, +sliderule, slipstick, TECH TECH TECH! + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math57.txt b/ai/learn/math/math57.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5b476af --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math57.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ + +e to the u, du/dx +e to the x dx +cosine, secant, tangent, sine, +3.14159 +integral, radical, u dv, +slipstick, slide rule, MIT! + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math58.txt b/ai/learn/math/math58.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..8450d28 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math58.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ + +E to the X +D-Y, D-X +E to the X +D-X. +Cosine, Secant, Tangent, Sine +3.14159 +E-I, Radical, Pi +Fight'em, Fight'em, WPI! + +Go Worcester Polytechnic Institute!!!!!! + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math59.txt b/ai/learn/math/math59.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a069d7a --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math59.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13 @@ + +Words in {} should be interpreted as greek letters: + +Q: I M A {pi}{rho}Maniac. R U 1,2? + o <- read as "U-not" +A: Y ? + o + +("I am a pyromaniac. Are you not one, too?" "Why not?") + +F U \{can\} \{read\} Ths U \{Mst\} \{use\} TeX +("If you can read this, you must use TeX") + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math6.txt b/ai/learn/math/math6.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9d4afe3 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math6.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Q: How many topologists does it take to change a light bulb? +A: It really doesn't matter, since they'd rather knot. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math60.txt b/ai/learn/math/math60.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a8958a5 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math60.txt @@ -0,0 +1,19 @@ + +Three men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost +in a canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. +We can call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices +far." + +So he leans over the basket and yells out, "Helllloooooo! Where are +we?" (They hear the echo several times.) + +15 minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! You're +lost!!" + +One of the men says, "That must have been a mathematician." + +Puzzled, one of the other men asks, "Why do you say that?" + +The reply: "For three reasons. (1) he took a long time to answer, (2) +he was absolutely correct, and (3) his answer was absolutely useless." + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math61.txt b/ai/learn/math/math61.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..8158672 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math61.txt @@ -0,0 +1,26 @@ + +Actually, I prefer the IBM version of this joke... + +A small, 14-seat plane is circling for a landing in Atlanta. It's +totally fogged in, zero visibility, and suddenly there's a small +electrical fire in the cockpit which disables all of the instruments +and the radio. The pilot continues circling, totally lost, when +suddenly he finds himself flying next to a tall office building. + +He rolls down the window (this particular airplane happens to have +roll-down windows) and yells to a person inside the building, "Where +are we?" + +The person responds "In an airplane!" + +The pilot then banks sharply to the right, circles twice, and makes a +perfect landing at Atlanta International. + +As the passengers emerge, shaken but unhurt, one of them says to the +pilot, "I'm certainly glad you were able to land safely, but I don't +understand how the response you got was any use." + +"Simple," responded the pilot. "I got an answer that was completely +accurate and totally irrelevant to my problem, so I knew it had to be +the IBM building." + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math62.txt b/ai/learn/math/math62.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..ad8331e --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math62.txt @@ -0,0 +1,35 @@ + + (I'm not sure if the following one is a true story or not) + The great logician Bertrand Russell (or was it A.N. Whitehead?) +once claimed that he could prove anything if given that 1+1=1. + So one day, some smarty-pants asked him, "Ok. Prove that +you're the Pope." + He thought for a while and proclaimed, "I am one. The Pope +is one. Therefore, the Pope and I are one." + +[NOTE: The following is from merritt@Gendev.slc.paramax.com (Merritt). +The story about 1+1=1 causing ridiculous consequences was, I believe, +originally the product of a conversation at the Trinity High Table. +It is recorded in Sir Harold Jeffreys' Scientific Inference, in a note +to chapter one. Jeffreys remarks that the fact that everything +followed from a single contradiction had been noticed by Aristotle (I +doubt this way of putting it is quite correct, but that is beside the +point). He goes on to say that McTaggart denied the consequence: "if +2+2=5, how can you prove that I am the pope?" Hardy is supposed to +have replied: "if 2+2=5, 4=5; subtract 3; then 1=2; but McTaggart and +the pope are two; therefore McTaggart and the pope are one." When I +consider this story, I am astonished at how much more brilliant some +people are than I (quite independent of the fallacies in the +argument). + +Since McTaggart, Hardy, Whitehead, and Russell (the last two of whom +were credited with a variant of Hardy's argument in your post) were +all fellows of Trinity and Jeffreys (their exact contemporary) was a +fellow of St. Johns, I suspect that (whatever the truth of Jeffreys' +story) it is very unlikely that Whitehead or Russell had anything to do +with it. The extraordinary point to me about the story is that Hardy +was able to snap this argument out between mouthfuls, so to speak, and +he was not even a logician at all. This is probably why it came in +some people's minds to be attributed to one or other of the famous +Trinity logicians. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math64.txt b/ai/learn/math/math64.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..327db8c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math64.txt @@ -0,0 +1,76 @@ + +Methods of Mathematical Proof + +This is from _A Random Walk in Science_ (by Joel E. Cohen?): + + +To illustrate the various methods of proof we give an example of a +logical system. + +THE PEJORATIVE CALCULUS + +Lemma 1. All horses are the same colour. + (Proof by induction) + +Proof. It is obvious that one horse is the same colour. Let us assume +the proposition P(k) that k horses are the same colour and use this to +imply that k+1 horses are the same colour. Given the set of k+1 horses, +we remove one horse; then the remaining k horses are the same colour, +by hypothesis. We remove another horse and replace the first; the k +horses, by hypothesis, are again the same colour. We repeat this until +by exhaustion the k+1 sets of k horses have been shown to be the same +colour. It follows that since every horse is the same colour as every +other horse, P(k) entails P(k+1). But since we have shown P(1) to be +true, P is true for all succeeding values of k, that is, all horses are +the same colour. + +Theorem 1. Every horse has an infinite number of legs. + (Proof by intimidation.) + +Proof. Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs +and in front they have fore legs. This makes six legs, which is cer- +tainly an odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is +both odd and even is infinity. Therefore horses have an infinite num- +ber of legs. Now to show that this is general, suppose that somewhere +there is a horse with a finite number of legs. But that is a horse of +another colour, and by the lemma that does not exist. + +Corollary 1. Everything is the same colour. + +Proof. The proof of lemma 1 does not depend at all on the nature of the +object under consideration. The predicate of the antecedent of the uni- +versally-quantified conditional 'For all x, if x is a horse, then x is +the same colour,' namely 'is a horse' may be generalized to 'is anything' +without affecting the validity of the proof; hence, 'for all x, if x is +anything, x is the same colour.' + +Corollary 2. Everything is white. + +Proof. If a sentential formula in x is logically true, then any parti- +cular substitution instance of it is a true sentence. In particular +then: 'for all x, if x is an elephant, then x is the same colour' is +true. Now it is manifestly axiomatic that white elephants exist (for +proof by blatant assertion consult Mark Twain 'The Stolen White Ele- +phant'). Therefore all elephants are white. By corollary 1 everything +is white. + +Theorem 2. Alexander the Great did not exist and he had an infinite +number of limbs. + +Proof. We prove this theorem in two parts. First we note the obvious +fact that historians always tell the truth (for historians always take +a stand, and therefore they cannot lie). Hence we have the historically +true sentence, 'If Alexander the Great existed, then he rode a black +horse Bucephalus.' But we know by corollary 2 everything is white; +hence Alexander could not have ridden a black horse. Since the conse- +quent of the conditional is false, in order for the whole statement to +be true the antecedent must be false. Hence Alexander the Great did not +exist. + We have also the historically true statement that Alexander was warned +by an oracle that he would meet death if he crossed a certain river. He +had two legs; and 'forewarned is four-armed.' This gives him six limbs, +an even number, which is certainly an odd number of limbs for a man. +Now the only number which is even and odd is infinity; hence Alexander +had an infinite number of limbs. We have thus proved that Alexander the +Great did not exist and that he had an infinite number of limbs. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math65.txt b/ai/learn/math/math65.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..4657c8f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math65.txt @@ -0,0 +1,29 @@ + +Several students were asked the following problem: + + Prove that all odd integers are prime. + +Well, the first student to try to do this was a math student. Hey +says "Hmmm... Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by +induction, we have that all the odd integers are prime." + +Of course, there are some jeers from some of his friends. The physics +student then said, "I'm not sure of the validity of your proof, but I +think I'll try to prove it by experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is +prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ... uh, 9 is an +experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it seems that +you're right." + +The third student to try it was the engineering student, who +responded, "Well, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's +see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is ..., 9 is +..., well if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... +Well, it does seem right." + +Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says +"Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'd end up taking too +long doing it. I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove +it..." He goes over to his terminal and runs his program. Reading +the output on the screen he says, "1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, +1 is prime...." + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math66.txt b/ai/learn/math/math66.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9cb9cc1 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math66.txt @@ -0,0 +1,21 @@ + +Mathematician: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, + 9 is not a prime - counter-example - claim is false. + +Physicist: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, + 9 is an experimental error, 11 is a prime, ... + +Engineer: 3 is a prime, 5 is a prime, 7 is a prime, + 9 is a prime, 11 is a prime, ... + +Computer scientist: 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime, 7's a prime, + 7's a prime, ... + +Computer scientist using Unix: 3's a prime, 5's a prime, 7's a prime, + segmentation fault + +Gosh, they all overlooked that even 2's a prime!! + +I figure that 2 is the oddest prime of all, because it's the +only one that's even! + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math67.txt b/ai/learn/math/math67.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..56c385c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math67.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ + +Theorem: a cat has nine tails. + +Proof: + +No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. +Therefore, a cat has nine tails. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math68.txt b/ai/learn/math/math68.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..2148a16 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math68.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes +obtuse, but always, he was right. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math69.txt b/ai/learn/math/math69.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d1285de --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math69.txt @@ -0,0 +1,26 @@ + +And now, for some really bad picture jokes (that I heard at Cal Poly SLO) : + + Q: What's the title of this picture ? + + .. .. ____ .. .. + \\===/======\\== + || | | || + || |____| || + || ( ) || + || \____/ || + || || + || || + || || + || || + || || + || || + || || + || || + || || + || (\ || + || ) ) || + || //||\\ || + + A: Hypotenuse + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math7.txt b/ai/learn/math/math7.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..db5cb09 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math7.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +A mathematician decides he wants to learn more about practical +problems. He sees a seminar with a nice title: "The Theory of Gears." +So he goes. The speaker stands up and begins, "The theory of gears +with a real number of teeth is well known ..." + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math70.txt b/ai/learn/math/math70.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..77c5ec0 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math70.txt @@ -0,0 +1,24 @@ + + Q: What quantity is represented by this ? + + /\ /\ /\ + / \ / \ / \ + / \ / \ / \ + / \ / \ / \ + / \ / \ / \ + /______\ /______\ /______\ + || || || + || || || + + A: 9, tree + tree + tree + + Q: A dust storm blows through, now how much do you have ? + + A: 99, dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree + + Q: Some birds go flying by and leave their droppings, + one per tree, how many is that ? + + A: 100, dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and a turd + + dirty tree and a turd + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math71.txt b/ai/learn/math/math71.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c92c408 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math71.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +I saw the following scrawled on a math office blackboard in college: + + 1 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1 + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math72.txt b/ai/learn/math/math72.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..03a35e1 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math72.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ + + lim ---- + 8->9 \/ 8 = 3 + +Along the same lines: + + lim sqrt (3) = 2 + 3->4 + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math74.txt b/ai/learn/math/math74.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d63ee57 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math74.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ + +Lumberjacks make good musicians because of their natural logarithms. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math75.txt b/ai/learn/math/math75.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a665b83 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math75.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +Q: What is Quayle-o-phobia? + +A: The fear of natural logarithms. + (Hint: Quayle and the letter "e" made news.) + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math76.txt b/ai/learn/math/math76.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e301850 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math76.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ + +Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math77.txt b/ai/learn/math/math77.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..04dbd36 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math77.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ + +"The integral of e to the x is equal to f of the quantity + u to the n." + + / x n + | e = f(u ) + / + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math78.txt b/ai/learn/math/math78.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..2717497 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math78.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +A physics joke: + + "Energy equals milk chocolate square" + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math79.txt b/ai/learn/math/math79.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d736285 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math79.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ + +Russell to Whitehead: "My Godel is killing me!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math8.txt b/ai/learn/math/math8.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..fa9e7af --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,40 @@ + +A group of scientists were doing an investigation into problem-solving +techniques, and constructed an experiment involving a physicist, an +engineer, and a mathematician. + +The experimental apparatus consisted of a water spigot and two identical +pails, one of which was fastened to the ground ten feet from the spigot. + +Each of the subjects was given the second pail, empty, and told to fill the +pail on the ground. + +The physicist was the first subject: he carried his pail to the spigot, +filled it there, carried it full of water to the pail on the ground, and +poured the water into it. Standing back, he declared, "There: I have +solved the problem." + +The engineer and the mathematician each approached the problem similarly. +Upon finishing, the engineer noted that the solution was exact, since the +volumes of the pails were equal. The mathematician merely noted that he +had proven that a solution exists. + +Now, the experimenters altered the parameters of the task a bit: the pail +on the ground was still empty, but the subjects were presented with a pail +that was already half-filled with water. + +The physicist immediately carried his pail over to the one on the ground, +emptied the water into it, went back to the spigot, *filled* the pail, and +finally emptied the entire contents into the pail on the ground, +overflowing it and spilling some of the water. Upon finishing, he +commented that the problem should have been better stated. + +The engineer, in turn, thought for some time before going into action. He +then took his half-filled pail to the spigot, filled it to the brim, and +filled the pail on the ground from it. Again he noted that the problem had +an exact solution, which of course he had found. + +The mathematician thought for a long time before stirring. At last he +stood up, emptied his pail onto the ground, and declared, "The problem has +been reduced to one already solved." + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math80.txt b/ai/learn/math/math80.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..ceef53e --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math80.txt @@ -0,0 +1,14 @@ + +A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative +merits of having a wife or a mistress. + +The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife +and want a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems. + +The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of +security lowers your stress and is good for your health. + +The mathematician says: " You're both wrong. It's best to have both so +that when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress +thinks you're with your wife --- you can do some mathematics. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math81.txt b/ai/learn/math/math81.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1b135a1 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math81.txt @@ -0,0 +1,34 @@ + +Von Neumann and Norbert Wiener were both the subject of many dotty +professor stories. Von Neumann supposedly had the habit of simply +writing answers to homework assignments on the board (the method of +solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked how to solve +problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful +information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. +Von Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, +"Yes". + +Wiener was in fact very absent minded. The following story is told +about him: When they moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing +that he would be absolutely useless on the move, packed him off to MIT +while she directed the move. Since she was certain that he would +forget that they had moved and where they had moved to, she wrote down +the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to him. Naturally, +in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He reached in +his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled +some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, +and threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home +(to the old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he +realized that they had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved +to, and that the piece of paper with the address was long gone. +Fortunately inspiration struck. There was a young girl on the street +and he conceived the idea of asking her where he had moved to, saying, +"Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Wiener and we've just +moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the young girl +replied, "Yes daddy, mommy thought you would forget." + +The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the +story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that +it wasn't quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! +The rest of it, however, was pretty close to what actually happened... + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math82.txt b/ai/learn/math/math82.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..aaa03fa --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math82.txt @@ -0,0 +1,34 @@ + +The USDA once wanted to make cows produce milk faster, to improve the +dairy industry. + +So, they decided to consult the foremost biologists and recombinant +DNA technicians to build them a better cow. They assembled this team +of great scientists, and gave them unlimited funding. They requested +rare chemicals, weird bacteria, tons of quarantine equipment, there +was a horrible typhus epidemic they started by accident, and, 2 years +later, they came back with the "new, improved cow." It had a milk +production improvement of 2% over the original. + +They then tried with the greatest Nobel Prize winning chemists around. +They worked for six months, and, after requisitioning tons of chemical +equipment, and poisoning half the small town in Colorado where they +were working with a toxic cloud from one of their experiments, they +got a 5% improvement in milk output. + +The physicists tried for a year, and, after ten thousand cows were +subjected to radiation therapy, they got a 1% improvement in output. + +Finally, in desperation, they turned to the mathematicians. The +foremost mathematician of his time offered to help them with the +problem. Upon hearing the problem, he told the delegation that they +could come back in the morning and he would have solved the problem. +In the morning, they came back, and he handed them a piece of paper +with the computations for the new, 300% improved milk cow. + +The plans began: + +"A Proof of the Attainability of Increased Milk Output from Bovines: + +Consider a spherical cow......" + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math84.txt b/ai/learn/math/math84.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..6e968b5 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math84.txt @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ + +Theorem : All positive integers are equal. + +Proof : Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, + A = B. Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A + and B (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B. + + Proceed by induction. + + If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. + So A = B. + + Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B + with MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence + (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math85.txt b/ai/learn/math/math85.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c545e94 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math85.txt @@ -0,0 +1,17 @@ + +A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive +government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them +to a western country. They drove to the airport, forced their way on +board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board. +Terrified, they listened as the sirens got louder. Finally, one of +the scientists suggested that since he was an experimentalist, he +would try to fly the aircraft. + +He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens +got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be +pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! +Hurry!!!!!!" + +The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple +pole in a complex plane." + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math86.txt b/ai/learn/math/math86.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..fd3db03 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math86.txt @@ -0,0 +1,14 @@ + +A group of Polish tourists is flying on a small airplane through the +Grand Canyon on a sightseeing tour. The tour guide announces: "On the +right of the airplane, you can see the famous Bright Angle Falls." +The tourists leap out of their seats and crowd to the windows on the +right side. This causes a dynamic imbalance, and the plane violently +rolls to the side and crashes into the canyon wall. All aboard are +lost. The moral to this episode is: always keep your poles off the +right side of the plane. + +Caveat: While this joke mentions Polish people, it is not, in my +opinion, in the category of the infamous Polish jokes. I hope no one +is offended but only humored. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math87.txt b/ai/learn/math/math87.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d5ee310 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math87.txt @@ -0,0 +1,137 @@ + + Hiawatha Designs an Experiment + +Hiawatha, mighty hunter, +He could shoot ten arrows upward, +Shoot them with such strength and swiftness +That the last had left the bow-string +Ere the first to earth descended. + +This was commonly regarded +As a feat of skill and cunning. +Several sarcastic spirits +Pointed out to him, however, +That it might be much more useful +If he sometimes hit the target. +"Why not shoot a little straighter +And employ a smaller sample?" +Hiawatha, who at college +Majored in applied statistics, +Consequently felt entitled +To instruct his fellow man +In any subject whatsoever, +Waxed exceedingly indignant, +Talked about the law of errors, +Talked about truncated normals, +Talked of loss of information, +Talked about his lack of bias, +Pointed out that (in the long run) +Independent observations, +Even though they missed the target, +Had an average point of impact +Very near the spot he aimed at, +With the possible exception +of a set of measure zero. + +"This," they said, "was rather doubtful; +Anyway it didn't matter. +What resulted in the long run: +Either he must hit the target +Much more often than at present, +Or himself would have to pay for +All the arrows he had wasted." + +Hiawatha, in a temper, +Quoted parts of R. A. Fisher, +Quoted Yates and quoted Finney, +Quoted reams of Oscar Kempthorne, +Quoted Anderson and Bancroft +(practically in extenso) +Trying to impress upon them +That what actually mattered +Was to estimate the error. + +Several of them admitted: +"Such a thing might have its uses; +Still," they said, "he would do better +If he shot a little straighter." + +Hiawatha, to convince them, +Organized a shooting contest. +Laid out in the proper manner +Of designs experimental +Recommended in the textbooks, +Mainly used for tasting tea +(but sometimes used in other cases) +Used factorial arrangements +And the theory of Galois, +Got a nicely balanced layout +And successfully confounded +Second order interactions. + +All the other tribal marksmen, +Ignorant benighted creatures +Of experimental setups, +Used their time of preparation +Putting in a lot of practice +Merely shooting at the target. + +Thus it happened in the contest +That their scores were most impressive +With one solitary exception. +This, I hate to have to say it, +Was the score of Hiawatha, +Who as usual shot his arrows, +Shot them with great strength and swiftness, +Managing to be unbiased, +Not however with a salvo +Managing to hit the target. + +"There!" they said to Hiawatha, +"That is what we all expected." +Hiawatha, nothing daunted, +Called for pen and called for paper. +But analysis of variance +Finally produced the figures +Showing beyond all peradventure, +Everybody else was biased. +And the variance components +Did not differ from each other's, +Or from Hiawatha's. +(This last point it might be mentioned, +Would have been much more convincing +If he hadn't been compelled to +Estimate his own components +>From experimental plots on +Which the values all were missing.) + +Still they couldn't understand it, +So they couldn't raise objections. +(Which is what so often happens +with analysis of variance.) +All the same his fellow tribesmen, +Ignorant benighted heathens, +Took away his bow and arrows, +Said that though my Hiawatha +Was a brilliant statistician, +He was useless as a bowman. +As for variance components +Several of the more outspoken +Make primeval observations +Hurtful of the finer feelings +Even of the statistician. + +In a corner of the forest +Sits alone my Hiawatha +Permanently cogitating +On the normal law of errors. +Wondering in idle moments +If perhaps increased precision +Might perhaps be sometimes better +Even at the cost of bias, +If one could thereby now and then +Register upon a target. + +W. E. Mientka, "Professor Leo Moser -- Reflections of a Visit" +American Mathematical Monthly, Vol. 79, Number 6 (June-July, 1972) + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math88.txt b/ai/learn/math/math88.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..926435a --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math88.txt @@ -0,0 +1,25 @@ + +An assemblage of the most gifted minds in the world were all posed the +following question: + +"What is 2 * 2 ?" + +The engineer whips out his slide rule (so it's old) and shuffles it +back and forth, and finally announces "3.99". + +The physicist consults his technical references, sets up the problem +on his computer, and announces "it lies between 3.98 and 4.02". + +The mathematician cogitates for a while, oblivious to the rest of the +world, then announces: "I don't what the answer is, but I can tell +you, an answer exists!". + +Philosopher: "But what do you _mean_ by 2 * 2 ?" + +Logician: "Please define 2 * 2 more precisely." + +Accountant: Closes all the doors and windows, looks around carefully, + then asks "What do you _want_ the answer to be?" + +Computer Hacker: Breaks into the NSA super-computer and gives the answer. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math89.txt b/ai/learn/math/math89.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7abcccf --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math89.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ + +Old mathematicians never die; they just lose some of their functions. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math9.txt b/ai/learn/math/math9.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..eb7df5d --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math9.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +Professor Dirac, a famous Applied Mathematician-Physicist, had a horse +shoe over his desk. One day a student asked if he really believed +that a horse shoe brought luck. Professor Dirac replied, "I +understand that it brings you luck if you believe in it or not." + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math90.txt b/ai/learn/math/math90.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..83986dc --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math90.txt @@ -0,0 +1,23 @@ + +During a class of calculus my lecturer suddenly checked himself and +stared intently at the table in front of him for a while. Then he +looked up at us and explained that he thought he had brought six piles +of papers with him, but "no matter how he counted" there was only five +on the table. Then he became silent for a while again and then told +the following story: + +"When I was young in Poland I met the great mathematician Waclaw +Sierpinski. He was old already then and rather absent-minded. Once he +had to move to a new place for some reason. His wife wife didn't trust +him very much, so when they stood down on the street with all their +things, she said: + - Now, you stand here and watch our ten trunks, while I go and get a + taxi. + +She left and left him there, eyes somewhat glazed and humming +absently. Some minutes later she returned, presumably having called +for a taxi. Says Mr. Sierpinski (possibly with a glint in his eye): + - I thought you said there were ten trunks, but I've only counted to nine. + - No, they're TEN! + - No, count them: 0, 1, 2, ..." + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math91.txt b/ai/learn/math/math91.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..455893a --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math91.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +What's non-orientable and lives in the sea? + +Mobius Dick. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math92.txt b/ai/learn/math/math92.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..81c3be5 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math92.txt @@ -0,0 +1,15 @@ + +Philosopher: "Resolution of the continuum hypothesis will have + profound implications to all of science." + +Physicist: "Not quite. Physics is well on its way without those + mythical `foundations'. Just give us serviceable mathematics." + +Computer Scientist: + "Who cares? Everything in this Universe seems to be finite + anyway. Besides, I'm too busy debugging my Pascal programs." + +Mathematician: + "Forget all that! Just make your formulae as aesthetically + pleasing as possible!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math94.txt b/ai/learn/math/math94.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..ebd6bb2 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math94.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ + + lim sin(x) diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math95.txt b/ai/learn/math/math95.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..6711a5f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math95.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + n + +Proof: cancel the n in the numerator and denominator. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math96.txt b/ai/learn/math/math96.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a7f3535 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math96.txt @@ -0,0 +1,33 @@ + +Two male mathematicians are in a bar. + +The first one says to the second that the average person knows very +little about basic mathematics. + +The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a +reasonable amount of math. + +The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence +the second calls over the waitress. + +He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he +will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is +answer one third x cubed. + +She repeats `one thir -- dex cue'? He repeats `one third x cubed'. + +Her: `one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she +agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, `one thir dex cuebd...'. + +The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his +point, that most people do know something about basic math. + +He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first +laughingly agrees. + +The second man calls over the waitress and asks `what is the integral +of x squared?'. + +The waitress says `one third x cubed' and while walking away, turns +back and says over her shoulder `plus a constant'! + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math97.txt b/ai/learn/math/math97.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..2cbd2e2 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math97.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +This was made by Mike Bender and Sarah Herr: + + MATHEMATICS PURITY TEST + + Count the number of yes's, subtract from 60, and divide by 0.6. + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math98.txt b/ai/learn/math/math98.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..802b2b1 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math98.txt @@ -0,0 +1,82 @@ + + The Basics + +1) Have you ever been excited about math? +2) Had an exciting dream about math? +3) Made a mathematical calculation? +4) Manipulated the numerator of an equation? +5) Manipulated the denominator of an equation? +6) On your first problem set? +7) Worked on a problem set past 3:00 a.m.? +8) Worked on a problem set all night? +9) Had a hard problem? +10) Worked on a problem continuously for more than 30 minutes? +11) Worked on a problem continuously for more than four hours? +12) Done more than one problem set on the same night (i.e. both + started and finished them)? +13) Done more than three problem sets on the same night? +14) Taken a math course for a full year? +15) Taken two different math courses at the same time? +16) Done at least one problem set a week for more than four months? +17) Done at least one problem set a night for more than one month + (weekends excluded)? +18) Done a problem set alone? +19) Done a problem set in a group of three or more? +20) Done a problem set in a group of 15 or more? +21) Was it mixed company? +22) Have you ever inadvertently walked in upon people doing a problem set? +23) And joined in afterwards? +24) Have you ever used food doing a problem set? +25) Did you eat it all? +26) Have you ever had a domesticated pet or animal walk over you while you + were doing a problem set? +27) Done a problem set in a public place where you might be discovered? +28) Been discovered while doing a problem set? + + + Kinky Stuff + +29) Have you ever applied your math to a hard science? +30) Applied your math to a soft science? +31) Done an integration by parts? +32) Done two integration by parts in a single problem? +33) Bounded the domain and range of your function? +34) Used the domination test for improper integrals? +35) Done Newton's Method? +36) Done the Method of Frobenius? +37) Used the Sandwich Theorem? +38) Used the Mean Value Theorem? +39) Used a Gaussian surface? +40) Used a foreign object on a math problem (eg: calculator)? +41) Used a program to improve your mathematical technique (eg: MACSYMA)? +42) Not used brackets when you should have? +43) Integrated a function over its full period? +44) Done a calculation in three-dimensional space? +45) Done a calculation in n-dimensional space? +46) Done a change of bases? +47) Done a change of bases specifically in order to magnify your vector? +48) Worked through four complete bases in a single night (eg: using the + Graham-Schmidt method)? +49) Inserted a number into an equation? +50) Calculated the residue of a pole? +51) Scored perfectly on a math test? +52) Swallowed everything your professor gave you? +53) Used explicit notation in your problem set? +54) Purposefully omitted important steps in your problem set? +55) Padded your own problem set? +56) Been blown away on a test? +57) Blown away your professor on a test? +58) Have you ever multiplied 23 by 3? +59) Have you ever bounded your Bessel function so that the membrane + did not shoot to infinity? +69) Have you ever understood the following quote: + "The relationship between Z^0 to C_0, B_0, and H_0 + is an example of a general principle which we have + encountered: the kernel of the adjoint of a linear + transformation is both the annihilator space of the + image of the transformation and also the dual space + of the quotient of the space of which the image is + a subspace by the image subspace." + (Shlomo & Bamberg's _A "Course" in Mathematics for + Students of Physics_) + diff --git a/ai/learn/math/math99.txt b/ai/learn/math/math99.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..136926c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/math/math99.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ + +Not precisely pure-math, but ... + +Fuller's Law of Cosmic Irreversability: + + 1 pot T --> 1 pot P +but + 1 pot P -/-> 1 pot T + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical.ges b/ai/learn/medical/medical.ges new file mode 100755 index 0000000..28291bc --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical.ges @@ -0,0 +1,2599 @@ +================================================================================ + +Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin +working on her, she grabs his balls. The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've +got a hold of my privates." The woman replies, "Yes. We're going to be careful +not to hurt each other, aren't we." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. +Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative +that he make the best possible impression. On the morning of the presentation +he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant +characteristic of sounding like "HONDA." The man was besides himself. Every +few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA".... Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in +desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he +sought a physicians aid. After a full examination, the doctor told him that +there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait +it out. Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second +and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing. Finally one medic +suggested that he visit a dentist. Well although he could not see how a +dentist was going to be of any help, he visited one anyway. Lo and behold, the +dentist said, "Ah, there's the problem" "What is it?" the man asked. "Why you +have an abscess," said the dentist. "An abscess. How could that be causing my +problem?" asked the man. "That's easy," replied the dentist. "Why everyone +knows... Abscess makes the fart go Honda." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's worse than having your doctor tell you that you have VD? +Having your dentist tell you. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + One day a man walked into the dentist"s office for some dental work. + The dentist said "Sir, you have a tooth I must pull, What type of pain killer +would you like?" + The man looked at the dentist and said "None, thanks, I have experienced the +second greatest pain in my life." + The dentist said "Sir, pulling this tooth Will be painful, I suggest a +painkiller" + The man looked back at the dentist and said "I have experienced the second +greatest pain in my life, Nothing else will ever compare." + The dentist said "Sir, I"m telling you, use a painkiller." + The man again said to the dentist "I have experienced the second greatest +pain in my life, I do not need painkillers, now pull the tooth." + The dentist then said "OK, You asked for it, But first, tell me what was the +second greatest pain in your life?" + The man said "Yes, I remember it well. I was hunting in some woods north of +here one snowy day. Walking through the woods, the urge came upon me and I +headed over to a tree. Well, I started to do my thing, and when the first part +dropped, It set off a large bear trap that was hidden in the snow that closed on +my balls. That was the second greatest pain in my life" + The dentist then said "Ouch!, But then what was the first greatest pain in +your life?" + The man replied, "When I reached the end of the chain." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Why did the guru refuse Novacaine when he went to his dentist? +He wanted to transcend dental medication. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that +require a simple yes or no answer. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Dentist begging the patient: "Could you help me? Could you give out a few of +your loudest, most painful screams?" + Patient: "Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time." + Dentist: "There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't +want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game." + + +================================================================================ + + A woman decides that she's not amply enough endowed in the chest, so she goes +to her plastic surgeon about getting implants. + "What are my options?" she asks the doctor. + "Well," the doctor responded, "The very best, most realistic implants are +made of silicone." + "Okay. What's the price tag on those?" + "$25,000." + The woman sighed. "I don't have $25,000 to spare. Are there any other +options?" + "The next best type of implants are rubber. They're less realistic, but the +process is quite a bit cheaper, about $10,000." + The woman shook her head. "I'm afraid I just can't afford that. Sorry I +wasted your time." + "Wait," said the doctor. "There is one more option, but it's in the +experimental stages. If you're willing to try it out, it will be free." + "Okay," said the woman cautiously. "What kind of implants are these?" + "Balloons," replied the doctor. "It requires a less invasive procedure, but +they must be reinflated periodically." + The woman decided to go for the operation. It was successful, and when it +was all finished the doctor showed her how to inflate them, like this: {Put +fingers on chest just above bosom. Move your elbows up and down like a chicken +flapping its wings.} So, once she fully recovered, the woman went to a singles +bar. She spied a likely-looking prospect on the other side of the bar. She +walked over, making sure that her breasts were inflated {repeat chicken-wing +motion}. + "Pardon me," she said to the man, "but haven't I seen you here before?" + {say the following line while scissoring legs open and closed} "No, but we +have the same doctor!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Seen in the comic strip "Herman": +Scene: doctor talking to a patient lying in a hospital bed +"Your condition is so rare, we're not sure we're pronouncing it right." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. + Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. + Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours +to live. + Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very +bad news? + Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here? + Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train. + Patient: What happened? + Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you +like to hear first? + Patient: Well... The bad news first... + Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of +them. + Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news? + Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your +slippers. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Doctor: I have some good news and I have some bad news, which shall I tell +first? + Patient: Do begin with the bad news, please. + Doctor: All Right. Your son has drowned, your daughter has been raped, your +wife has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you have AIDS. + Patient: Good grief! What's the good news? + Doctor: The good news is that there is no more bad news. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital! +Nurse: What is it? +Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Doctor: Does it hurt when you do this? +Patient: Yes. +Doctor: Well, don't do that. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Doctor: Have you ever had this before? +Patient: Yes. +Doctor: Well, you've got it again. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A doctor is talking to a car mechanic: + "Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical +care." + "Yea, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed +since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A woman goes to a doctor with a problem. She's sat on the chair next to the +doctor, and she's very hesitant about describing her problem. Eventually, the +doctor manages to discover that she thinks she may be sexually perverted. "What +sort of perversion are you talking about?" asks the doctor. "Well," said the +woman, "I like to be... Ohh... Ah... Ummm... I'm sorry doctor, but I'm too +ashamed to talk about it." "Come, come, my dear. I'm a doctor you know; I've +been trained to understand these problems. So what's the matter ...?" So the +woman again tried to explain, but got so embarrassed that she just turned bright +red and looked as though she might faint. It was then the doctor had a bright +idea. "Look," he said, "I'm a bit of a pervert myself. So if you show me what +your perversion is, I'll show you what mine is. Ok? Is it a deal?" The woman +considered the offer, and after a short while agreed that it was a fair request. +So after a slight pause she said "Well my perversion is... My perversion... +oh... I like to be kissed on the bottom!" "Shit Is that ALL!" said the doctor. +"Look, go behind that screen, take all your clothes off, and I'll come round and +show you what MY perversion is! Hee Hee!" So the woman does as she is told, and +undresses behind the screen. She gets down on all fours thinking to herself, +"Hmmmm, perhaps he might kiss me on the bum." Anyway, 15 minutes pass and +nothing has happened. So the woman peers around the side of the screen to see +the doctor sitting behind his desk, his feet up on the table, reading a +newspaper and whistling to himself. "Hey!" shouted the woman, "I thought you +said you were a pervert?" "Oh I am," said the doctor, "I've just shit in your +handbag." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the +best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I +would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very +kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that +prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A man suffering from a severe case of flatulence goes to the doctor. + Man: Doctor, I have a terrible (FARRRT!) problem. I just can't (FFFART!!) +stop farting. + Doctor: That is an unusual complaint. Take off your clothes and lay, stomach +down, on the couch. + The man does as he is told. The doctor examines him for a minute - the man +farting all the time this is going on. + Doctor: Aha! This should be easy to cure. Excuse me for a moment. + The doctor goes over to a closet and pulls out a long pole with a sharp spike +at one end. + Man: (FAART!) Oh my God! (fart..) What are you going to do with (FFFARTT!!) +that?! + Doctor: I need to open a window. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There are three Jewish mothers bragging about their sons. The first one says +"My son is very successful. He is the best lawyer in New York City." The second +one says "My son has done better than that. He is the best Doctor in New York +City." The third one says "My son has not done that well. He does not have a +very good job, and he is homosexual. But he has these two great boyfriends.... +One is the best lawyer in New York City, and the other is the best doctor in the +city." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the +man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago ..." "Never mind the past. Tell me +how you broke your leg this morning." "Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when +I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, +the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was +anything I wanted. I said no, everything is fine. "Are you sure?", she asked. +"I'm sure, I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know. +"I reckon not" I replied... "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story +have to do with your leg?" "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when +it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There was two businessmen, whose names happened to be Mr Turtle and Mr Carrot, +and one day as they were coming back from lunch Mr Turtle says to Mr Carrot, +"You know, you're getting fat", to which Mr Carrot says "You're not so slim +yourself!." So Mr Turtle says "OK, we'll see who is the least fit, race you +back to the office" So the race starts, and they'd only got about a block down +the street when Mr Turtle crosses the road in front of a car and gets bowled. +Mr Carrot sees that he's in a pretty bad way, so he rushes to the phone and +calls Mr Cabbage, the ambulance driver. Mr Cabbage duly arrives and piles Mr +Turtle into the Ambulance and rushes to hospital. Mr Turtle follows and as soon +as he gets to the Hospital he asks the nurse at Accident and Emergency, Miss +Cauliflower, whether he will be alright. "Miss Cauliflower, Miss Cauliflower, +will Mr Turtle be alright?" she replies "Well, i couldn't really say, you'll +have to ask Dr Bean." So he rushes over to Doctor Bean and says, "Doctor Bean, +Doctor Bean, will Mr Turtle be alright?" and the Doctor says "Well, I wouldn't +like to say, you'd best ask the specialist, Doctor Pea", so of course, Mr Carrot +rushes over to Doctor Pea and says "Doctor Pea, Doctor Pea, will Mr Turtle be +alright?", and Doctor Pea says "I've done all I can for him, it's all in the +hands of the Surgeon, Dr Turnip" So Mr Carrot waits outside the surgery for 3 +hours until they have finished the operation, and rushes up to Dr Turnip and +says "Doctor Turnip, Doctor Turnip, will Mr Turtle be alright?" and Dr Turnip +turns to him and says "We did all we could, but I'm afraid he'll be a vegetable +for the rest of his life..." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One night in the pub, the publican is lamenting the fact that business is so +quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. As he moans to some of the regulars +a stranger, dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing glasses wanders over and says, +"I'm sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. I'm a doctor at +the lunatic asylum up the road and I'm trying to integrate some of the more sane +individuals into the community. Why don't I bring some of my patients along, +say next Tuesday. You'll have some customers and my patients will have a night +out." Well, the publican isn't sure but the thought of more paying customers on +a quiet night appeals, so he agrees. So, the following Tuesday the guy in the +tweed jacket and glasses shows up with about ten lunatics. He says to the +publican, "Give them whatever they want, put it on a tab and I'll settle up at +closing time." The publican has a great time selling loads of drinks and +encouraging the loonies to eat crisps and peanuts. The loonies have a great +time, getting drunk but they behave themselves. At closing time the publican +adds up the bill and it comes to just over a hundred pounds! The guy with the +glasses and the tweed jacket starts to organize the loonies ready to take them +back to the asylum. Finally he comes over and asks for the bill. The publican, +feeling that he's charged them rather a lot and feeling he should do his bit to +help these poor unfortunate people gives him a discount. "Its eighty quid," he +says. The guy in the tweed jacket smiles and says, "That's fine. Have you got +change for a dustbin lid?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What +should I do?" "I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, +do you smoke?" "Oh.. Half a pack a day." "Starting NOW, no more smoking." The +man agrees. The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?" "Oh, well Doc, not much, just +a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while." "Starting +now, you drink only water. No exceptions." The man is a bit upset, but also +agrees. The doctor asks, "How do you eat?" "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal +stuff." "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet: you are going to eat +only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese." The man is +now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?" "Do you want to live +long?" "Yes." "Absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the +diet. "The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?" +"Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly. "As soon as +you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. +None." The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this +way?" "I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like +an eternity!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A guy goes to his doctor and is told that he has 6 months to live. +"6 months!!" he exclaimed. "What am I supposed to do in only 6 months?" +His doctor told him, "Marry a JAP and move to Montana." +"Why?" the guy asked. +"Because 6 months will seem like an eternity!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she +was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken +aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, +but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control +pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought +some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to +sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I +sleep better at night." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center. + Man: "What are you doing here today?" + Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for +it." + Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they +pay me $25." + The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before +going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet +again in the donation center. + Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?" + Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her +all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., +when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients +these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't +you?" The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and +handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if *that* doesn't work, +we'll have to have you put down." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's +balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to replace the missing ball +with an onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. + "How's your sex life?" the doctor asked. + "Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's relief. But then he added, +"I've had some strange side effects." + "What's that?" the doctor asked anxiously. + "Well, every time I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, +she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first +pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, +I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?" The doctor +answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and +besides, it's difficult to describe pain." "I know, but can't you give me some +idea?," she asks. "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..." "Like +this?" "A little more..." "Like this?" "No. A little more..." "Like this?" +"Yes. Does that hurt?" "A little bit." "Now stretch it over your head!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As she +lays there, a man in a white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then leaves. +This happens a second time. The third time this happens, she says "Doctor, am I +going into surgery soon?" The man replies, "Don't ask me lady. I'm just a +painter!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"Doctor, don't cut so deep. That's the third operating table you've ruined this +month!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Heard on Leno's monologue: +The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that +1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +An 80 year woman married an 85 year old man. After about six months together, +the woman wasn't feeling well and she went to her doctor. The doctor examined +and said, "Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you're going to be a mother." "Get +serious Doctor, I'm 80." "I know," said the Doctor, "This morning I would have +said it was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle." "I'll be +damned," she replied and stormed out of the office. She walked down the hall +and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a rage, she dialed her +husband. "Hello" she heard in his familiar halting voice. She screamed, "You +rotten son of a bitch. You got me pregnant!" There was a pause on the line. +Finally her husband answered "Who's calling please?." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + This guy goes to the doctor for a vasectomy. Unlike the usual patients, he +shows up in a limo, and he's sitting in the doctor's office in a rented tuxedo +with black tie. + The doctor says "I've done a lot of these, but I've never seen a limo and +tuxedo before. What's the story?" + To which the fellow responds "If I'm gonna BE im-potent, I'm gonna LOOK +im-potent!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + There was a country doctor who was the only doctor for miles around. He +wanted to go on a fishing trip so he called the vet and asked him to look after +things while he was gone. + The vet asked, "Is anything happening?" + The doctor replied, "Mrs. Jones is about due, but I don't think the baby +will come before I get back. Anyway, if it does, just deliver it. This is her +third and the first two went really easily." + The vet said "OK" and the doctor went on the fishing trip. + When he returned, he called the vet. "How did things go while I was gone?" + "Pretty good." + "Did Mrs. Jones have her baby?" + "Yes, it was a 8 pound boy. Everyone's doing fine." + "Did you have any trouble?" + "Well, there was just one little problem." + "What was that?" + "I had a terrible time getting her to eat the afterbirth!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + One day, John's tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and see +a doctor. When he got to the doctor's office the nurse told him he could see +the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he'd have to give a urine sample. John said +that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John complied. 15 minutes +later, John was ushered in to see the doctor. + "So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?" the doctor said. + "The nurse must have told you," said John, wondering how the Doctor knew. + "No. It was in your urinalysis." and the doctor continued to say that he had +just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical condition +with total accuracy based on the urine contents. John didn't believe a word of +this but he did agree to provide another urine sample on check-up visit. + Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and his +teenage daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine. When John +decided to have a little fun with the doctor. John pissed in the bottle as did +his wife and teenage daughter. Then while walking to his garage he had a +brainstorm. John put a few drops of oil from his crankcase in the jar and +finally beat off and put a few drops of semen in the jar. He drove to the +doctors office, shook the bottle, then handed it to the nurse. This time his +urinalysis took half an hour. Finally, John was ushered in to see the doctor. + The doctor looked at him and said, "I've got some bad news, smartass. Your +daughter is pregnant, your wife's got V. D., your car is about to throw a rod, +and if you don't stop beating off, that tennis elbow is never gonna heal!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The resident began his examination of an elderly man by asking him what brought +him to the hospital. The man replied, "An ambulance." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +It is said that the limbic system of the brain controls the four Fs: Feeding, +Fighting, Fleeing, and Reproduction. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +In "Pissing in the Snow: Ozark Mountain Folktales", Vance Randolph tells of a +wizened old country doctor who could treat anything. Well it seems one time, +one of the mountain folk came into his office with three complaints. "Doc," he +said, "I can't taste nothin', I can't tell the truth, and I can't remember +nothin' besides." Well the old Doc thought about this for a minute and went +back into the apothecary, and made of two capsules full with cow hooey, and gave +them both to the man, and telling him to take one immediately, chewing well. +Well, the man did as he was told, bit down and started chawing, then yelled out, +"Yeachhhh... This stuff tastes like shee-it." "Uh huh," the doctor said, "Well +I see that you can taste, and you're certainly telling the truth now. And the +next time that you're memory is acting up, just take the other pill." And the +old Doc charged the man fifteen bucks and sent him on his way, and never did +hear no trouble from him much after that. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be +differentiated by the following method: +General Practitioners know nothing and do little. +Surgeons know little and do everything. +Internists knows everything and do nothing. +Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too late. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Everywhere this lady went, nobody wanted to talk to her, no one ever asked her +to go out. Guys came up to her and turned away. She wondered why this would +happen. So she went to her doctor and told him what was going on. She thought +that maybe there was a problem with her. The doctor told her he would give her +a complete exam. He told her to undress and get up on the table, so she did. +He told her to open her mouth and he checked it. Then he asked her to get down +from the table and bend over. He then said to the lady, "Know what your problem +is, you have zactly." The lady then asked, "What is zactly?" The doctor said, +"Lady your mouth smells zactly like your ass." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +After much soul searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the +childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the woman showed +up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table +and place her feet in the stirrups. She was feeling rather awkward about the +entire procedure when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the +sight of him pulling down his pants! "Wait a minute! What the hell is going on +here?" yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position. "Don't you +want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor. "Well, yes, I do," answered the woman. +"Then lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor. "We're all out of the +bottled stuff. You'll just have to settle for what's on tap." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +This German guy wanted to marry this Polish lady, but Poland had a law that you +have to be Polish in order to marry someone that is Polish, so, in other words, +he'd have to have 50% of his brain removed. So he goes to his doctor and says, +"I've just GOT to marry this woman, I love her so much..." So the doctor says, +"Well, it's risky, but okay." So into the operating room they go for the brain +removal procedure. Later, when the German guy wakes up, the doctor comes in and +says, "We are VERRRRYYYY sorry, but we accidentally removed 75% of your brain +instead of 50%." The guy looks up and says, "Mama Mia!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + First man: There's a guy who lives up the street from me who used to work in +construction. One day last year his hand got run over by a bulldozer. Whatever +those doctors did, it's really amazing - today he's a concert pianist. + Second man: That's nothing. I knew a guy in college - laziest bum I ever +knew. He was really fat and out of shape. He was trying to hitch a ride one +day and got hit by a truck. Broke nearly every damn bone in his body. Somehow +they put him back together better than he was before. Now he's a triathlete and +he's planning to try out for the olympics. + Third man: Yeah, well I knew this poor retarded kid. He couldn't do a whole +lot, but someone at the dynamite factory got charitable and gave him a job as a +stockboy. Anyways, he's working in the warehouse one day and gets locked in. +It's dark and he can't find the door. Not being too bright, he lit a match to +try and find his way. The whole place exploded. All they could find of him was +a few fingers and his eyebrows. From that little bit they were able to put him +back together and today that kid is the governor of Massachusetts. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A man goes to see his doctor. He pokes himself in the arm, leg, and torso, +complaining that it hurts when he does this. The doctor asked him if he was +Polish. The man replied that he was. To which the doctor replied that the +finger was broken. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +This guy decides to get a sex change. So he goes to the doctors and has the +thing done. A couple of weeks later he was talking to one of his old buddies +about it. "Gee, it must have really hurt when they shot all that silicon into +your chest to make your breasts." "Not really, I hardly felt it." "Well, it +must have really hurt when they chopped off your manhood!" "Nope, I didn't +really feel it either. The only thing that really hurt was when they drilled a +hole in my skull and sucked out half my brain." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A woman goes to the hospital to visit a girlfriend who is about to have a +heart transplant. She's worried about the friend so she asks the doctor... + Girlfriend: I'm worried about my friend doc, what if her body rejects the +organ? + Doctor: Well, she's 36 years old and healthy. How long has she been in +business? + Girlfriend: She's been working since she was 19 years old but what does that +have to do with anything? + Doctor: Well, she's been working 17 years and hasn't rejected an organ yet! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I +just can't stop having sex!" "Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks. +"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back. +"That's not so much", says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I +have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man. "Well that is +probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a +day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man. "Well, that's +definitely to much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in +hand." "I do", says the man. "Twice a day." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching +through the flower beds. "Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?" +"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an +income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What is the proper medical term for the CIRCUMCISION of a rabbit? +A Hare Cut. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There was a businessman, and he was feeling really crook, and he went to see the +Doctor about it. The doctor says to him "Well, it must be your diet, what sort +of greens do you eat?" and the man replies "Well, actually, I only eat peas, I +hate all other green foods." The doctor was quite shocked at this and says +"Well man, that's your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, +you'll have to give them up!!." The guy says "But how long for, I mean I really +like peas!" and the doctor replies "Forever, I'm afraid." The man is quite +shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, +so he realizes that he will never eat a pea again. Anyway, one night, years +later, he's at a convention for his employer and getting quite sloshed and one +of the reps says "Well, ashully, I'd love a cigarette, coz I avint ad a smoke in +four years, I gave it up." Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, +"Really, I haven't had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first +marriage, so I gave it up!" and the businessman says "Thas nuvving, I haven't ad +a pea in 6 years" and the barman jumps up screaming "OK, everyone who can't +swim, grab a table...." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS + +1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT. +Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable +scientific objectivity. + +2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES. +Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and +reassurance he can get. + +3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED. +Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold. + +4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF. +You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true +nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may +have experienced. + +5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT. +It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in +terms that you would understand. + +6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY. +Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper +will surely be of widespread interest. + +7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY. +You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the +well-being of physicians and other humanitarians. + +8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD. +It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means. + +9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE + OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR. +The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty +to protect him from exposure. + +10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE. +This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Johnny and Jim are walking through the desert. Suddenly, a snake bites Jim's +prick! "AAIIIIIII!!" He panics, and John panics. "What can we do?" "We should +call for a doctor." WHAMMM! Suddenly, in the middle of the desert, there's a +telephone box. Johnny goes in, calls a doctor. RING, RING. RING, RING. + J: My friend is bitten by a snake. What to do? + D: What kind of snake? + J: A one meter, green-yellow one. + D: Aye, aye. + J: ? + D: Those are very dangerous. + J: What can we do? + D: The only thing you can do, is to suck the poison out. Otherwise, your +friend will be dead within half an hour. + Johnny hangs up, goes out off the telephone box. Jim, pale looking already, +asks what the doctor said. + Johnny: You'll be dead within half an hour. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A young mother had just given birth to a newborn baby and the nurse was +congratulating her when the doctor came in bouncing the baby from hand to hand +like a basketball. + "Here's your baby, maam" says the doctor. + The doctor then throws the baby on the floor, hurls it up against the wall, +picks it up and twirls it around several times, and then drop kicks it straight +out of the 10th floor window. + Totally bewildered, the woman gives out a loud shriek and hollers "My God!!! +What have you done to my baby?!?!!!" + The doctor chuckles a little to himself and says "April Fools!!! He was +already dead!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + The crofter's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor +was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the father-to-be busy, the +doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see +what I'm doing." + Soon, a lusty baby boy was brought into the world. + "Och!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern by...I think +there's yet another wee bairn to come." + Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass. + "Na, dinna be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It +seems there's yet another one besides!", cried the doctor. + The crofter scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Well, +now, mon. Do ye suppose the light's attracting them?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A blond guy visits the hospital. "I want to be castrated!" he demands +cheerfully. "Are you sure about this?" the doctor asks. "Have you discussed it +with your wife?" "Yes, yes! I've thought about this for a long time. Let's +get it over with!" So, the operation is performed. Since it's relatively +simple, the blond guy only has to stay in the hospital for two days. On his way +home, he meets a friend. "Well, hello! I haven't seen you for a couple of +days," his friend says. "No, I've been to the hospital," replies the blond. +"Well, that's funny. I'm on my way there right now!" "Really? So, what's up?" +"I'm going to be vaccinated." "Oh, shit!! That's what it's called!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? + That depends on whether it has health insurance. + Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation +specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. + None. They just tell it to take two aspirin and come round to the surgery +later. + None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary. + None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How many undertakers does it take to change a light bulb? +None. They just paint them black and go on using them. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How is an undertaker like a bottle of Robitussin? +They both take away the coffin. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her +blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. + "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. + "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes +off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. + A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes +off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. + "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. + "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes +off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. + A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes +off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. + "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. + "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and +finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the +fellow into his office and said, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing +your headaches, but we've found a cure for them: you'll have to be castrated." + The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he +believed he would try to bear the pain. But as time went on, the headaches only +got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor. + "All right, I guess I'll have the operation," he said. + When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician +told him, "I recommend you begin life anew. Start over from this point." + So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a new set +of clothes. The proprietor said, "Starting with the suit, looks like you take +about a 38-regular." + "That's right", exclaimed the man, "How'd you know?" + "Well, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty +good at sizing a man up", replied the salesman. "Now, for a shirt, looks like +about a 15 long." + "Right again," the man said. + The proprietor suggested, "And for undershorts, I'd say a size 36." + "There's your first mistake", the man said, "I've worn 34's for years." + "No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one", said the owner. + The man replied, "I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take +34." + The owner replied, "Well all right, if you insist, but they're going to pinch +your balls and give you headaches!!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A really handsome man had a high squeaky voice. He was surrounded by girls +except they ran off at the sound of his voice. So he went to the doctor. The +doctor said he could fix the problem by cutting off the man's penis. The man +agreed to the surgery, and sure enough his voice went to normal and he was +surrounded by women. Later he decided to get a whole new wardrobe. The tailor +took a look at him and rattled of figures ending up with underwear size 36. The +man said no I wear size 30. The tailor said, "I've been doing this for years +trust me. If you wore size thirty you voice would be high and squeaky." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed +testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of +the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving +me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've +started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before." The doctor +reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of +testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" "On my balls." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A woman was going to marry one of those guys that want a virgin. Since she was +not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen. The doctor told her that +will cost around $500, but there is an another way that will cost only $50. The +woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor worked on her +for several minutes. After the "first night" the woman came back to the doctor +and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was there. +And she asked him how he did it. "I tied your pubic hair," he answered. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep +losing my temper with people. + Doctor: Tell me about your problem. + Patient: I JUST DID, DIDN'T I, YOU STUPID BASTARD!!! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Woman: Doctor, my husband tells me my pussy's too big. So I'd like you to +tell me if you find it unusual. + Doctor: Please, take off your clothes and I'll have you examined. + Doctor(shouting): What a giant pussy!! What a giant pussy!! + Woman(angry): Did you have to say it twice?!? + Doctor: I didn't. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One +lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was +standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just +come up or was about to go down." + The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on +the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had +just woken up!" + The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always +been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, +she asks, "Who's there?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A woman goes to the doctors, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. +I'll have to take my clothes off to show you." The doctor tells her to go +behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see +her when she is ready. "Well, what is it?" he asks. "It's a bit embarrassing," +she replies, "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs." +The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. +Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?" +The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually I have." "That's the problem," the +doctor says, "Tell him his ear-rings aren't made of gold!!!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +This young couple had only been married for about two weeks when the wife +complains of a burning sensation in her chest. She tells her husband who +suggests that she goes to the doctor to be examined. She arranges an +appointment and goes the following day. The husband, while at work receives a +call from the doctor. Doctor: "I am sorry to say your wife has acute angina..." +Husband: "Yeah, I know, she's also got a nice pair of tits too!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Seems a mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of +his (also a mute). In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. +The friend replied (vocally!) "Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now." +Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. Seems he had gone to a specialist, +who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had +restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he +might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon. After +an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage, that the +mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no +reason why he couldn't be helped as well. "Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's +have the first treatment right now!" "Very well," replies the specialist. +"Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining +table. I'll be right in." The mute does as instructed, and the doctor sneaks in +with a broomstick, mallet and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he +"sends it home" with a few deft swipes of the mallet. The mute jumps from the +table, screaming "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa!!!" "VERY good," smiles the doctor. "Next +Tuesday, we start with 'B'" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A man went to a doctor. Some say he went there to have an operation to become +Polish; others say he wanted to become an Aggie; there's yet another faction who +claims that he wanted to work at the post office; still others say he wanted to +make his hair permanently blond. Regardless, the doctor asked him why, and he +said it was something he always wanted to do, how he wanted to be able to relate +to his friends, all of whom I suppose were blond Polish graduates of Texas A&M +who had found jobs at the local P. O. Anyway, the doctor asked him his IQ, and +when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would +have to involve the removal of over half of his brain. The man insisted, and +since the doctor just happened to have a brand new laser device which could zap +just the right portions of brain tissue (a product of Scar Wars technology, I +suppose), the operation was planned. The laser was hooked up to a computer +which could monitor the man's declining IQ on a nice LED display. The doctor +threw the switch and the numbers began ticking off. 95, 94, 93... Suddenly the +phone rang. It was the doctor's wife. They gabbed for minutes on end, the +doctor forgetting completely about his patient. When he hung up, he suddenly +realized, and ran into the operating room, only to see the meter tick down: 6, +5, 4... He ran to the machine and threw the on/off switch, just as the laser +was about to wipe out the last remnant of brain. "Jesus, Matty and Felipe!" +exclaimed the doctor, "What have I done? Speak to me! Say anything!!" The man +looked at him and said, "Hi, you're watching MTV, and we just heard..." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. +Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague +and uncertain. Doctor says the treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci +is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up. The man bursts +into tears. "But doctor... I am Pagliacci." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"Doc, I don't understand what's going on with me. It's really strange, +sometimes I feel like a teepee." The doctor thinks about it for a while and +then urges the man to continue. So, the man continues, "And sometimes I feel +like a wigwam." To which the doctor says "I wouldn't worry about it, Fred, +you're just two tents." (Too tense, get it? :-) ) + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + There once was a poor lad named Timmy who had the misfortune of being born +with only a head - no arms, no legs, nothing but a head. Now Timmy was a +basically happy person and he was loved and cared for by his family. As long as +he stayed within the shelter of his family he was unworried by his condition, +but as soon as he was thrust out into the world he knew that something was +seriously wrong. He began to dream about being a whole person with arms and +legs and a body. He thought of nothing else. It became an obsession. + Then one day, Timmy heard of the famous Dr. Helen Von Rigginbottom, a +physician who had been experimenting with cloning and tissue regeneration. +Timmy grew so excited he could hardly contain himself. He had himself rushed to +the doctor and made an appointment. When the doctor met with Timmy all of his +hopes and dreams came true. The doctor assured Timmy that she could help him +and would make him into a whole person, but she warned him that it could be a +dramatic change and he should consider all of the ramifications. She began to +list some of the many problems he might have, but he would not listen. She +consented and game Timmy the injection that would start the process. + Timmy went home and tossed and turned on his pillow all night. Eventually, +he fell asleep. The next morning when he awoke Timmy was surprised to discover +that he was a whole person. He had arms and legs and a body. He was so excited +and grateful that he just had to thank the doctor, so he ran out of the house, +across the street and was hit by a truck and killed. And of course the moral of +our story is: While you're a head, stay ahead. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the +emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came +over to see him. + "Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when +you accused me of malpractice." + "Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?" + "How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor." + "I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what +you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?" + "Your diagnosis is as good as mine." + "What are you talking about?" + "When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there +was to know about the practice of medicine." + "Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something." + "Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a +gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?" + "I'll sign a paper that I won't sue." + "Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why +were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated +hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It +never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, +there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make +me sick.' " + "Why are you reading that to me?" + "Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. +A lady cane in the other day limping..." + "Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol." + "You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've +changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore." + "Then get me another doctor." + "There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the +malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only +place that I can practice." + "If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your +case to a higher court." + "You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney +stone." + "You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at +him." + "That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you +addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. +Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room +6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of +pain.' " + "Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of +Demerol?" + "I better check you out first." + "Don't check me out, just give the dope." + "But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the +patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you +mind getting up on the scale?" + "What for?" + "To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the +lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were." + "I'm not going to sue you." + "You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass +the kidney stone?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Patient to eye-doctor: "I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation, +doctor. What are the chances? " + Eye-doctor to patient: "Don't worry, you won't be able to see the difference." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for +work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do +something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him +to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in +the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. +"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, +"But where were you yesterday?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A WASP was driving his car at Sonoma County, where is a large mental hospital, +he realizes that one of the tires of his car is flat. He stops his car, looks +outside. There is nobody around. Also he realizes that the road he was riding +was near the mental hospital. In short he realizes that there is no available +cheap labor to change the flat tire. The WASP takes the spare tire out, jacks +up the car, removes the tire, puts the nuts in the hub cap and while trying to +get the spare tire, trips over the hub cap and all the nuts go down a nearby +storm sewer. There he is, a WASP near a mental hospital, away from any cheap +labor, helpless. Suddenly he hears someone yelling "Hey you!", looks and finds +that there is someone inside the mental hospitals' yard (behind the bars). The +patient behind the bars says, "I have been watching you for a while and saw the +terrible thing happened to you, I think I can help." "How?" asks the WASP. +"Easy," says the loonie, "Take one nut from each of the other three wheels and +put it on the fourth wheel, then if you are careful you will make it to the +nearest gas station." "You are very smart" says the WASP to the loonie and +continues, "Why did they locked you in?" "They put me in because I am a +loonie," the guy tells the WASP and continues, "Not because I am stupid." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite +ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself +to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The +horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?" +The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven." (This one is true!) + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get +pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you +think lawyers come from?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Lawyer: Did you say the plaintiff was shot in the woods? +Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +This guy goes to his doctor to ask him a question. The doctor says, "What can +I do for you?" "Well doctor, I have a question for you. I masturbate, and I +was wondering how often is too often." "Hmmm," the doctor says, "how often do +you do it?" "Three times a day." the man says. "Yeah, that might be a little +excessive. Have you considered finding yourself a girlfriend?" "I have a +girlfriend, doctor", says the man. "I mean a girlfriend for the bedroom as +well...", the doctor says. The man says "Oh, she is, that's not the problem. +The problem is, she doesn't like to do it during mealtimes." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times... +He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've +overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won't be able to +make love more than 30 times!" The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife +is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said +concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says: "Oh my +god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!" He +replies, "Yes, i already made a list on the way home; sorry your name is not on it!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A man went to see a doctor because of a very high, squeaky, annoying voice. The +doctor examined him, and told him that the only way would be to replace his +extremely large penis with a smaller one. The guy is desperate and decides to +go through with the operation. It's a great success and the man has a fantastic +baritone. But after some time the guy's sex life deteriorates and he decides to +see the doctor to try get his original equipment back. He says to the doctor, +"Doctor, is there any way that you could get me my organ back, my sex life has +gone to pot." "Not on your life!!" the doctor replies in a high, squeaky, +annoying voice. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There was this eighty-year-old man who was seeing the doctor for a checkup. The +doctor asked why he needed the checkup. The man was getting married next month +to a girl 60 years his junior. The doctor tried to talk him out of the +marriage, and it didn't work. However, the doctor suggested, "If you want your +marriage to last, I say you at least take in a boarder." The old man agreed. +The old man didn't see the doctor for a year, when they met at a fund-raiser. +The old man says, "Doc, congratulate me, my wife is pregnant." "That's good +news," said the doctor. "I knew the boarder would help." "Oh," said the old +man with a wicked grin, "and the boarder's pregnant as well." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A fellow goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem that I am +always farting all of the time. Although they don't smell, they do make loud +noises, and it is affecting my social life." The doctor gives him some pills, +and asks him to return next week. He returns, and says, "Those pills did no +good. In fact they made things worse. I still fart as much, but now they smell +terrible." To which the doctor replies, "Good! Now that we have your nose +working again, lets work on your farting" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +I recently went to see my doctor. I said "Doctor, it's me dick!" I flopped it +onto the desk, and the doctor asked "so what's the problem?" An' I said "Nuthin. +It's a beauty, ain't it!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Jokes about Kenneth Clarke, when U. K. Secretary of State for Health: +What do you call a man who ignores doctors' advice? The health secretary. +Kenneth Clarke dies this morning. Doctors said his condition was 'satisfactory'. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, +unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed +the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I +don't even make that much as a doctor!." The plumber waited for him to finish +and quietly said "Neither did I when I was a doctor." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30. He is +persuaded to have a medical exam first. "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to +see if I'm sexually fit", he says to the doctor. "O. K.", says the medic, "let +me see your sex organs." So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle +finger. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There was this city doctor who started a practice in the countryside. He once +had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there. After a few +housecalls he stopped coming to the farm. The puzzled farmer finally phoned him +to ask whats the matter, didn't he like him or somethin'. The doctor said, "No, +its your ducks at the entrance... Every time I enter the farm, they insult me!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Syadov walks into the Moscow health clinic and asks to see an ear-and-eye +doctor. The nurse explains to him that there isn't a specialist in those two +areas at the clinic, but tells him that they have an eye-doctor AND an ear, +nose, and throat man. She further goes on to suggest, after seeing his rather +vacant stare, that he see the ENT specialist, and, if that doesn't work, why +then he can go to the ophthalmologist. So a month later (Remember, the clinic +is run by the Soviet bureaucracy) he is shown to the doc's office. The following +dialogue ensues. Doctor: So, tell me, Comrade Syadov. What seems to be the +trouble? Syadov: DOC! DOC! Ya GOTTA help me! I'm going crazy! Doctor: Just +calm down, and tell me your symptoms. Syadov: Well, I.. OK. I... I'll try. +It's like my ears and my eyeballs aren't connected to the same man. I can't see +what I hear, and I can't hear what I see! At this, the doctor sighs, shakes his +head, closes his notebook, and prepares for his next patient. When Syadov asks +what he's doing, he explains: "Really, I'm very sorry, Comrade. But there's no +known cure for Communism." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +This old man takes his wife to the doctor. After the examination, the doctor +takes the man aside and says: "I've got some bad news for you. Your wife either +has AIDS or Alzheimer's Disease, but I can't tell which." "That's terrible," +says the man, "what should we do?" "Well," replies the doctor, "I'll give you a +thirty minute head start before I send her home. And if she makes it, don't +fuck her!!!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? +By the taste. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + One day, a guy comes into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want it to +grow." + So the doc says, "Here, take three of these a day," and gives the guy a +bottle of pills. + An hour later, another guy comes in and he wants it to grow too. The doc +says, "Take 3 of these a day." + "No, I'll take 6!" and the guy leaves. + Then a cowboy comes in: He wants the same. He's told to take 3 but says, +"Nah, I'll take 24!" and leaves. + The next day all three guys come into the office. + 1st: "Doc, Doc, it's down to my ankles!" + 2nd: "Doc, Doc, it's draggin' an inch behind me!" + Cowboy: "Yeeee-Haaah!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father's +house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision +in the on-site surgery. As they were walking, they heard a scream and a +foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl's feet. "What's this," +she asked. "Taste it," he replied, "If you like it, I'll give you a whole one!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Did you hear about the doctor who had his license taken away because he was +having affairs with his patients? + Yup, it's a shame because he was one of the top veterinarians in the country! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Once upon a time a sailor ran into his doctor's office and begged him for help. +He pulled down his pants and showed the doctor his dick, which was sporting a +ruby red ring around the tip. He asked the doctor if there was any cure for +this strange VD that had appeared. The doctor just smiled, soaked a cloth in +alcohol, and rubbed the end of the dick three times. The sailor looked down and +saw that the ring was gone. Ecstatic, he paid the doctor and ran off to catch +his ship. A few months later, another sailor came to the doctor and said to +him: "A few months back, my buddy came here with a ring around his dick, and he +said you just rubbed it three times and he was cured. Well, I have a similar +problem..." The sailor pulled down his pants and showed off his dick, which was +sporting an emerald green ring around the tip. Well, the doctor just reached +into a pocket, took out a large knife, and with one whack cut off the sailor's +dick. "What did you do that for!?" screamed the sailor in agony. "Your buddy had +lipstick around his dick," explained the doctor, "You had gangrene." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + One day there was a guy who always scream when he talks. Every time he tries +to talk to his family and friends the first thing they do is cover their ears +because the guy was about to scream. So his family suggest him to go to the +doctor for a reason why he always scream. + Doctor: What is the problem, sir? + Man: (screaming) I don't know? + D: Why do you scream all the time? + M: (screaming) I don't know? + The doctor looks at his doctor book to try to find a cure for his ever +screaming voice. + D: Well sir I think I know what the problem is. + M: (scream) What is it? + D: You must have a hugh penis. + It turns out that the guy had a hugh 20 inch penis. So the doctor suggest +that he remove 13 inches of his penis so that his voice will become normal. +After surgery, the guy wakes up and tried to talk. "Um... hello... hello" His +voice turned out to be normal as the doctor said that it would be. + So four months later, the guy was curious what the doctor did with the rest +of the 13 inches that he cut out. Maybe for research purposes or something he +thought. He calls the doctor and asked him: + Man: Sir you performed surgery on my penis a few months back. Do you +remember? + Doctor: Hmm Hmm + Man: Well I was just wondering. What did you do with the rest of the 13 +inches. + Doctor: (screaming) I threw it away!!!!! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular +procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis. +Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. +After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, +grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was +startled and exclaimed, "What was that?". Suddenly the penis came back, took +another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a +moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... +Can you do that again?" With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, +"Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Last year a guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight. He found out he +had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a Twinkie +and a cookie with him on his next visit. When he was being examined the doctor +shoved the muffin, the Twinkie, and finally the cookie up the guy's ass. The +patient protested, but the doctor calmed him down, saying it was part of the +therapy. This treatment continued for several weeks and every time the doctor +shoved a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie up his ass. Finally, after many visits, +the Doctor instructed the patient to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a mallet for +the next visit. The day arrived and this time the doctor shoved only the muffin +and the Twinkie up the patient's ass. After a few minutes the tapeworm appeared +out of his asshole and demanded, "Where's my cookie!?" WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What does the M. D. after a name of a Soviet emigre physician stand for? +Mentally deficient. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + How can you determine that a death certificate was filled by a Soviet emigre +doctor? + He signs his name under "cause of death." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Did you hear about the Soviet emigre doctor who cured a guy from jaundice and +strabismus? + The autopsy showed that the patient was Chinese. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A Soviet emigre woman comes to a gynecologist and complains: "Doctor, when I +wasn't married, I had six abortions, and now I got married and can't get +pregnant." "Evidently you don't breed in captivity." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A Soviet emigre woman comes to a gynecologist for a checkup. She seems to be +very embarrassed and uncomfortable. +"Haven't you been examined like this before?" asks the doctor. +"Many times," she giggles, "but never by doctor." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A Soviet emigre woman comes to a doctor. He instructs her to go behind the +screen and undress. She walks stark naked from behind the screen and says, +indignantly: "Doctor, why didn't you undress too?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A Soviet emigre woman comes to a doctor for an examination. He tells her to +undress and lie down. She asks: "But will you marry me?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A man comes to a Soviet emigre doctor because of sore throat. The doctor tells +him to pull down his pants and to swing his genitals in the window. "What does +this have to do with my throat?" "Nothing, I just hate the neighbors." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A Soviet emigre surgeon tells a patient: "The operation will cost three thousand +dollars, but we can save a little by not sharpening the knife." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +During an operation, the nurse tells the Soviet emigre surgeon: "Doctor, this +is the third operating table you've destroyed this month. Don't cut so deep." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One Soviet emigre surgeon asks another: "How did that appendectomy go?" +"Appendectomy?" shrieks the other. "I though it was an autopsy!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One Soviet emigre surgeon asks another: "How did the operation go?" +"It was a success until we dropped the patient off the table." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One Soviet emigre surgeon asks another: "How did the operation go?" +"The operation was a success, but the patient died." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + What happened to a Brighton Beach prostitute who had an appendectomy +performed by a Soviet emigre surgeon? + He sewed up the wrong hole, so now she's making money on the side. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"I'm treating a patient with a split personality," boasts a Soviet emigre +psychiatrist, "and Medicaid pays for both of them!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A Soviet emigre doctor gets a call from the Medicaid office. "You've been +billing us for weekly house calls to Mr.~Ivanov for the last six months. +Haven't you noticed that Mr.~Ivanov has passed away?" "Sure I noticed! He was +my favorite patient, I visit him at cemetery." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A Soviet emigre comes to a doctor. "What's bothering you?" "You charge +Medicaid hundred dollars and ask me what bothering me? Figure out yourself!" +"You should have gone to a veterinarian. They figure out what's bothering +patients who can't tell." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A Soviet emigre boy and girl come to a doctor's office and say: "Doctor, we +would like to know if we are screwing properly. Will you watch us, please?" +The doctor, somewhat puzzled, agrees, they climb on his table, the boy gets on +top of the girl, and they have sex. After observing them, the doctor says, +"Yes, you're having sex properly. That will be forty dollars." They come back +the next day with the same request, but this time the boy enters the girl from +the rear. They keep coming for four days in a row, using different positions +every day. On the fifth visit the doctor says, "Why do you keep on coming back? +I told you you're having sex properly." The boy explains, "The hotel room +costs the same forty dollars, but this way we get reimbursed by Medicaid." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A Soviet emigre is forced to seek doctor's advice because his breath smells +terrible. The doctor examines him and says: "Either stop biting your nails or +stop scratching your hemorrhoids." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A Soviet emigre goes to a doctor to complain about constipation. The doctor +unblocks him with a pneumatic drill and advises him not to wipe his ass with a +cement bag in the future. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A Soviet emigre comes to a doctor to show a red ring around the base of his +penis. The doctor decides it's some unusual of venereal disease and prescribes +antibiotics, but they don't help, and one week later the ring is still there. +The doctor then sends a piece of penis skin covered with red to a lab for +analysis. The lab reports: "The lipstick can be removed with soap and water." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman and catches a strange venereal +disease (this time, a green ring around the base of the penis). The patient +goes to a doctor who says he's never seen anything like it, but his penis would +probably have to be amputated. The patient goes to another doctor, who also +doesn't know anything about this decease, but thinks the amputation is +indicated. Deeply distressed, the patient decided to go to a Soviet emigre +doctor, figuring he may be familiar with this V. D. Indeed, the Soviet emigre +doctor says: "I know this decease! Your American doctors always want to cut. +Don't do anything. Two week later, prick fall off by himself." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman. The next day his prick turns +black. He runs to a doctor and asks: "Doctor, is this some weird venereal +disease?" "Worse," says the doctor. "It's frostbite." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear about the Soviet emigre who told his doctor he contracted a +venereal disease from a wet dream? + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Why was the Soviet emigre woman nicknamed "Venus"? +Not for her beauty, but because there always was something venereal in her. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A man was walking along a sidewalk in a very gentle manner, almost as if he were +walking on eggs. Two doctors, also on foot, were across the street. They +spotted the man and began to discuss his condition. "Prostrate trouble", said +the first doctor. "Oh no, not at all. That's a case of hemorrhoids if ever I +saw one", said the other. They tossed it back and forth until one of them +suggested going over to talk to the man. "Mr, this gentleman and I are both +doctors", said one, "and if you'll pardon our intrusion, I figured you have a +bad prostrate problem, but my colleague thought it to be hemorrhoids. Might you +state the problem so that we can solve our little dilemma?" "Well", said the +man, "all three of us were wrong. I thought it was gas." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A doctor dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates +and checks him in. After he's registered, St. Peter says to him "Look at the +time: you must be hungry! Heaven Cafeteria is serving lunch, why don't you get +yourself something to eat?" + The doctor goes to the cafeteria and notices the long line. He immediately +cuts in at the front, only to hear loud protests. "I'm a doctor" he says, "I'm +a busy man, I don't have time to wait in line." + The others say "You're in heaven now, we're all the same here, get to the +back of the line and wait your turn!" + A few weeks later, waiting patiently on line for lunch, the doctor notices a +man come dashing in wearing scrubs and a lab coat, stethoscope around his neck. +He butts in at the head of the line and no-one utters a peep. "Hey," he says to +the guy in front of him, "Who does that guy think he is?" + "Oh, that's God," says the guy, "He likes to play doctor." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +After her operation, the famous lady soap opera star was propped up in bed in +her private room, as the doctor did his rounds. "Tell me, how are you feeling +now?" he asked. "A lot better, thank you," purred the star in reply. "But one +thing does bother me. When will I be able to resume a normal sex life?" "Oh, +that's rather hard to say," said the doctor. "I've never been asked that after +a tonsilectomy before." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + This man is waiting for his wife to deliver his first child. When the doctor +comes out of the operating room, he comes up to him and asks to see his wife and +baby. + Doctor: I have something to tell you... Your baby has got no legs... + Father: Oh... I guess it's still my son. Let me see it. + Doctor: He's got no arms either... + Father: That bad, uh? I have to see it! + Doctor: And he's got no trunk either... No head... Actually, it's only an +ear... + Father: ... + Then they go in a sterile room where a nurse carries in a cradle with a huge +ear in it. + Father: My son!!! Flesh of my flesh!!! Blood of my blood!!! + Doctor: LOUDER!!! He's deaf too... + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Patient walks into a doctor's office... +Patient: Doctor, people ignore me. +Doctor: NEXT! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Patient: Doctor, I'm manic-depressive. +Doctor: Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer up. Calm... Etc. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Patient: Doctor, I have a split personality. +Doctor: Nurse, bring in another chair. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything! +Doctor: So...since when did you have this problem? +Patient: What problem? + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer? +Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room. +Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards! +Doctor: Sit over there and I'll deal with you later. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails? +Doctor: No, throw them away like everybody else. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Patient: My tongue tingles when I touch it to a cracked walnut wrapped in used + toaster oven aluminum foil, what's wrong with me? +Doctor: You have far too much free time. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Patient: Doctor, ya gotta help me. Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm. +Doctor: Really! What are you taking for it? +Patient (with a grin): Black pepper! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor. +Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out. +Patient: I wanna second opinion. +Doctor: OK, you're ugly, too. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed. +Doctor: You should cut down on drinks. +Patient: I don't touch a drop. +Doctor: You should cut down on smoking. +Patient: I don't smoke. +Doctor: You should stop taking drugs. +Patient: I don't do drugs. +Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing. +Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life. +Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and +find a couple of girlfriends. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A woman has just started to play golf when she gets stung on the arm by a +bee. She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She asks "Is +anyone here a doctor?." + One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands up and says "I'm a doctor, what can I +help you with?" + "I've been stung by a bee." + "Oh really, where?" + "Between the first and second hole" + "Well, first of all, your stance is too wide..." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Surgeon General C. Everett Koop, in conjunction with research associate Dr. Ed +Bluestone of the Surgeon General's office, has compiled for non-confidential +distribution a list of activities which, while not definitely linked to death or +established as causative factors in any specific form of physical or +physiological deterioration, have been determined through exhaustive reiteration +to be detrimental to the human condition and specifically to the welfare of +their perpetrator. While implementation of any of these activities is not +specifically illegal as cited by state or federal jurisdictions, engagement in +any of said activities could very probably be construed as a gross breach of +common etiquette constraints and/or moral codes and analogs. Widespread or +accelerated participation in any of the listed activities by an increasing or +superannuated segment of the population would be frowned on by and erosive to +all reasonable, respected, and stalwart facets of American society. + +THE SURGEON GENERAL WARNS: + +1. Never raise your hand during a hijacking to indicate that you get a kosher + meal. +2. Never ask a bald man if you can borrow his toupee to clean your windshield. +3. Never moon a werewolf. +5. Never squeeze a parakeet to death while screaming, "I want the name of your + accomplice!" +6. Never threaten to punish your Dalmation with spot remover. +7. Never use a bulldog as a surrogate mother. +8. Never hire an attorney who can discuss specific episodes of The Flintstones. +15. Never trust an Oriental dentist who sells miniature ivory animals. +18. Never ask a dog with rabies if he would like you to floss his teeth. +19. Never believe your dog when he tells you that while you were out, your + parents came over and drank water out of your toilet. +26. Never take a cockroach hostage and expect anyone to negotiate with you. +28. Never walk your dog around someone else's living room with a pooper scooper + in your hand. +29. Never say to a lobster before you boil him, "Let me know if your bath is too + hot." +31. Never tell an IRS auditor that if he doesn't leave you alone, you plan to + cheat again next year. +35. Never tell Yasser Arafat that you think Newark should be the Palestinian + homeland. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Patient : Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the +uncontrollable urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do +you know what's wrong with me? + Doctor : Yes... You're fucking crackers. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + While we're on the subject of questionable doctors; + A former professor of mine once mentioned that a physician friend of his used +to ask (in the old days) his female patients prior to physical examinations: +"Should I shave my beard first?" + It toke me a while to get it. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +BLONDE'S DICTIONARY OF MEDICAL TERMS + +Anti-Body against everyone +Artery study of paintings +Bacteria back door to a cafeteria +Barium what to do when treatment fails +Bowel letters lik A E I O or U +Caesarean Section a district in Rome +Cardiology advanced study of poker playing +Cat Scan searching for ones lost kitty +Cauterize made eye contact with her +Colic sheep dog +Coma punctuation mark +Congenital friendly +D & C where Washington is +Dilate to live long +Enema not a friend +Fester quicker +Genes blue denim slacks +Genital non-Jewish +Hangnail coat hook +Hemorrhoid a male From outer space +Herpes what women do in the Ladies Room +Hormones what a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid +Impotent distinguished, well known +Inpatient tired of waiting +Labor Pain hurt at work +Medical Staff a doctor's cane +Minor Operation coal digging +Morbid a higher bid +Nitrate cheaper than the Day Rate +Node was aware of +Organic organ repairman +Outpatient a person who has fainted +Paralyze two far-fetched stories +Pharmacist person who makes a living dealing in agriculture +Post-Operative a letter carrier +Protein in favor of young people +Recovery Room place to upholster furniture +Rectum what happened to the Corvette +Rheumatic amorous +Saline where you go on your boyfriend's boat +Secretion hiding something +Tablet a small table +Terminal Illness getting sick at the airport +Tibia country in North Africa +Tumor an extra pair +Urine opposite of You're Out +Varicose nearby +Vein conceited + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and +they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is +going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland +infection. + The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on +the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." + "Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor. + "It's worth a try," he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then +operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, +"Father, you're not going to believe this." + "What?" says the priest. "What happened?" + "You gave birth to a child." + "But that's impossible!" + "I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's +your baby." + About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son +the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to +tell you. I'm not your father." + The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" + The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Sigmund Freud had many interesting things to say about people's attitudes to +laundry. Here is a quick test to see how you relate to it: + +When watching your clothes going round in the tumble drier, what do you look +out for? + A Jeans + B Shirts + C Socks + D Sex + +What frightens you most about going into the laundrette? + A Losing one sock of your favorite pair + B Putting whites and colors together so the colors mix + C Spiders + D Sex + +What do you use to wash your clothes? + A Bold + B Persil + C Ariel + D Bio-Sex + +When waiting for the washing machine to finish, what do you do? + A Walk away and do something else + B Stand and look at it + C Sit and look at it + D Lie down and do something else + +You see a coffee stain on one of your shirts. What does it remind you of? + A Someone you know + B Coffee + C A butterfly + D Sex + +If you answered D to most of these questions, then I would be most interested to +meet you and discuss it at greater length. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade? +She gave herself a tonsilectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and + circumcised three of the doctors on her shift. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How do you tell the difference between male chromosomes and female chromosomes? +Pull down their genes! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + The Vancouver [British Columbia] Sun, Thursday, 18 March 1993, page A13 lead +headline "United States" + +"Hospital costs prove 40% less in Canada +by Daniel Haney, AP Science writer + +Washington - + +Hospitals cost almost 40 per cent more in the United States than in Canada, +largely because [...] + +[...] + +U.S. hospitals are more expensive, in part, because the cases they treat are 14 +percent more complex. [Dr. Donald] Redelmeier, of Wellesley Hospital in +Toronto, writing in the New England Journal of Medicine] said this reflects +social differences between the two countries. "Frostbite of the nose is not as +expensive to treat as a shotgun wound to the belly." he said. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Bio-Medical Journal, 1985; 291:630-2. + +"The Asthma and Allergy Foundation of America in its search for offending +pollens took samples of Los Angeles air. Right outside its trendy Westside +office, this analysis showed that 40 percent of the collected contaminants +were from marijuana." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A man goes to the doctor for a checkup. After the checkup, the doctor tells the +man he has bad news. "You only have six months to live." The man sits for a +while thinking, and then says, "There's only one thing I can do, I'm going to +become a Communist." The doctor says, "You've been a patriotic American all +your life, why are you going to become a Communist now?" The man says, "Better +one of them should die than one of us." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her +contractions are only two minutes apart!" + "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. + "No, you *idiot*!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Son: Father, Can I ask you a question? + Father: Ok ask. + Son: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring +doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor +doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor. + Father : !!!??????!!! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a +prescription for him in his usual illegible writing. The patient put it in his +pocket, but he forgot to have it filled. Every morning for two years, he showed +it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice it got him into the movies, once +into the baseball park, and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by +showing it as a note from the boss. One day he mislaid it. His daughter picked +it up, played it on the piano and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks." +"And did he?" +"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't +so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he +decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife +picked up the phone. + "What took you so long to answer?" + "I was in bed." + "What were you doing in bed this late?" + "Getting a second opinion." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A doctor told the boy, "This injection won't hurt a bit." That's an MD promise. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A physician is not angry at the intemperance of a mad patient, nor does he take +it ill to be railed at by a man in a fever. Just so should a wise man treat all +mankind, as a physician treats a patient, and look upon them only as sick and +extravagant. - Seneca + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A patient goes to a Polish doctor: + Patient: I am having a hard time hearing. I cannot even hear myself cough. + Doctor: Here is a prescription, take the midicine for 7 days, then return for +a checkup. + +SEVEN DAYS LATER: + Patient: Thanks a million, doctor. At least, I can hear myself cough NOW. So +what did you do to make me hear better? + Doctor: Not much, I gave you medicine that increased your cough. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A guy hasn't been feeling well for a while, so he goes to the doctor for a +check-up. After he sees the doctor, the doc tells him he has a very serious +condition and would like to talk to his wife. So the man leaves and sends his +wife in. The doctor tells the wife that her husband has a very serious +condition and that he is going to die. However, the doctor tells her that there +is one way she can save his life: She must cook him 3 meals a day and have sex +with him every night for 6 months and then he'll be OK. + When the wife leaves the office her husband asks her what the doctor said. +She looks at her husband and tells him, "He said you're gonna die." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of +having a wife or a mistress. + The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want +a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems. + The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security +lowers your stress and is good for your health. + The mathematician says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that +when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're +with your wife, you can do some mathematics. + + +================================================================================ + + One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on +the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm +sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay +fresh." + The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, +he rolls back over and taps his wife again. + This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow +too?." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Two gynecologists meet on a conference. As usual, they tell each other what +cases they have had the past year. +1: Well, I have had a patient with breasts, just like melons. +2: Incredible, so big? +1: Yes +2: But I had a patient with a clitoris, just like a lemon. +1: Waaw, so big? +2: No, so sour + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +One woman says to another: "I can't understand why you haven't gone to see that +new gynecologist yet! I mean he's so young and handsome! And your gynecologist +is so old!" The other woman replies with a smile: "Yeah, I know. His hands +shake *all* the time!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash knees, what do + gynecologists get? +Tunnel vision! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Things Not To Say To Your Pregnant Wife After Her Ultrasound + +5) Thirsty? +4) Where did the extra set of arms come from? +3) Why does it look so much like a lizard? +2) So, what are the characteristics of hermaphroditism? +1) Could we do that again? The nurse had me distracted. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Things Not To Do While You Are With Your Wife In Labor In The Delivery Room + +1) Clip your toenails. +2) Read a Playboy magazine. +3) Tell the doctor that you want the afterbirth to have it bronzed. +4) Flirt with the nurse. +5) Watch a football game on your portable television. +6) Tell her how pretty and sexy she looks right now. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A mature woman was in the pastorial study counseling for her upcoming fourth +wedding. + "Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?" + "My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot +be." + "Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do +was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it +tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this +time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed." + + +================================================================================ + + A teenager of about 17 has a hot date with a girl, so he decided to go to the +pharmacy to buy some condoms. + +(Conversation as follows) + + Pharm: What can I help you with? + Teen: I'd like to...uh... ah... buy a condom. + Pharm: Ok. Here you are. (Sets condom, on counter.) + Teen: (Thinking that was rather easy and painless) Well, now that I think +about it, I think I'll be needing two condoms. + Pharm: Well, okay. (Gets another one). + Teen: (Getting bolder.) Actually, its a pretty hot date I have tonight. I +think I'll be needing four condoms. + (Teen keeps changing his mind and increasing the number of condoms he wants +until he's leaving the pharmacy with 2 dozen condoms) + Now the teenager arrives at his girlfriend's house. She tells him that he's +invited to stay for dinner. So he goes in and sits down at the table with all +of her family. The father asks if he'd like to say grace before beginning the +meal. He accepts and says the following: + Teen: Oh Lord, thank you for this food and the hands that made it, and the +people who took the time to grow it and... (goes on for nearly 10 minutes, +blessing EVERYTHING including the table, the silverware, all the containers, the +floor, etc...) ...AMEN. + Girl: Gee, I didn't know that you were really religious. + Teen: Well, I didn't know that your dad was a pharmacist. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + This kid walks into the pharmacy: "I've a hot date tonight, a sure thing, and +my buddies said you could fix me up for it." + "What do you want?" + "Well, it's a hot date, man. A sure thing? You know..." + "What do you want?" + "I need some protection, alright??!?!" + "What size?" + "Size? I dunno... Whatever is considered average I guess." + "That'll be $2.35 including tax." + "Tacks? Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady +pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping +him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please". With a surprised look on her face +the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!" to which the guy replies, "Make +it 100". + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he +has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. + The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to +bust. The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, that if the man +returns, to follow him. + Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once +more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns. + "So did you follow him?" + "I did." + "And...where did he go?" + "Over to your house..." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A woman walks into the local pharmacy as ask to see sanitary napkins. +The pharmacist replys "We have mini-pads and maxi-pads, which do you prefer?" +The woman asks "What's the difference?" +Pharmacist replys "It depends on what you flow is like!" +Woman replys "My flo? My flo is linoleum!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A young lad starts work in a pharmacy. The owner is explaining the rudiments +of the job to the youth... + "When a customer comes into the shop, be very polite to them and try to put a +little poetry into it when you're talking to them." + The youth says that he does not see what the pharmacist means by this, so the +pharmacist says that he should observe when the next customer comes in and watch +how he or she is dealt with. + Presently a middle aged woman comes in to the shop and asks for something for +a tummy bug. + The pharmacist says " There's a lot of that virus going about, but this pink +mixture should sort you out!" + "Oh thank you very much!" says the middle aged woman and she leaves the shop. + So the pharmacist says the youth can serve the next customer while he goes to +tea break, "And remember to put some poetry into it" he says. + Anyway, the youth waits around and nobody comes in, so he decides to go to +the restroom. Just as he's about to nip off, a young teenage girl comes in. + "Can I help you?" he asks. She replies very embarrassedly that she would +like to buy some sanitary towels, to which the youth replies : + "Hang on Miss, I'm dying for a piss, but I'll be back in a flash, with a sash +for your gash!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + So Dracula's coffin was on a collision course for Jerry's pharmacy. + Jerry was a quick thinker, so he whipped out a pack of cherry Halls and threw +it at the casket. + The Halls really worked, 'cuz the coffin' stopped. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A funeral procession was winding it's way to the cemetery on top of the hill +outside town, when the hearse hit a bump. The coffin was bumped loose, fell out +onto the road and began sliding back toward town. (It was a steep hill). It +slid faster and faster; finally, it reached the town and was skidding its way +down Main St. Suddenly, at one intersection, the coffin took a sharp right +turn, and entered a pharmacy, smashing through the big glass window at the front +of the store, it went down an aisle and banged into the counter at the back. + The lid popped off, the corpse sat up and said, "You got anything to stop +this coffin?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in +pill form. + A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of +knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says "Here's a pill for English +literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge +about English literature! + "What else do you have?" asks the student. + "Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the +pharmacist. + The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about +those subjects. + Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?" + The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", goes back into the storeroom, +brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter. + "I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student. + The pharmacist replied "Well, you know math always was a little hard to +swallow." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by +stuffing the pack into a condom. She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up. +The pharmacist said, "What brand of condoms to you prefer ma'am." She said, "I'm +not sure, they're for my Camels.", at which point he fainted. + + +================================================================================ + + A psychiatrist on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients +behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed +clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud train noises +"CHOOO-CHOOO... WHOOOO-WHOOOOO..." + "What are you doing?" enquires the doctor. + "I'm taking a train down to Barcelona," replies the man. + Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off, the doctor moves on to the next +bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the +covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the +mattress. + "And what are you doing?" asks the doctor, a little perplexed. + "Well," pants the man, "While he's in Barcelona, I'm fucking his wife." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is known for their +progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the +patients. The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing +ballet. One of the psychiatrist asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm +studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a +productive member of society." "Wow, that's wonderful." The next person was a +man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to +him, "What are you doing?" "I'm studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can +enter medical school when I get out" Room after room, they witnessed the +incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a +room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally, he was persuaded to +open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis. The reaction of the +psychiatrist, "My God what are you doing?" The man replied: "I'm fucking nuts +and I'm never getting out of here" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A man walked into a psychiatrist's office, sat down, took out a pack of +cigarettes. He removed a cigarette from the pack, unrolled it, and stuffed the +tobacco up his nose. + The shrink frowned and said, "I see you need my help!" + The guy said, "Yeah Doc. Got a match!?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A man walks into the psychiatrists office with a pancake on his head, fried eggs +on each shoulder, and a strip of bacon over each ear. The shrink, humoring him, +asks, "What seems to be the problem?" The guy answers, "Doc, I'm worried about +my brother." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He +finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and +surprise them when they least expect it." As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist +picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the +plans." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so +for public safety, he was committed. He was put in a room with another crazy +and immediately began his routine, "I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has +sent me!" The other guy looks at him and declares, "I did *not*!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Sign on a psychologists office: Schizophrenics pay double. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A man walks into a psychiatrists office and tells him, "I have an identity +problem..... So do I." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says, "Hey doc, you know how we +have been talking about Freudian slips? Well, I had the most amazing one last +night. I was eating dinner with my mother, and I meant to say, "Please pass the +salt," but instead I said, "You fucking bitch, you ruined my life." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A Man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, than stands +on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place. + The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come +into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you..." + The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I +do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit +me..." + The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist, +here's his card, why don't you see him?" + The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank +yous... + Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink. + The bartender says "OK, here you go... Wait! Weren't you that guy who..." + "Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely +cured." + "Well, that's great. This beer is on the house" + So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses +on the bar. + "You bastard! I thought you said you were cured!" + "I am! It doesn't bother me anymore..." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The head doctors in an insane asylum had a meeting and decided that one of their +patients was potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to the +movies. When they get to the movie theatre, there are signs of wet paint +pointing to the benches. The doctors just sit down, but the patient puts a +newspaper down first and then sits down. The doctors get all excited cause they +think maybe he's in touch with reality now. So they ask him, "Why did you put +the newspaper down first?" He answers, "So I'd be higher and have a better +view." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A man calls the psychiatrist at a mental hospital and asks who's in room 24. +"Nobody" comes the reply. +"Good" says the man, "I must have escaped." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Psychiatrist: What's your problem? +Patient: I think I'm a chicken. +Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on? +Patient: Ever since I was an egg! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Psychiatrist: What's wrong with your brother? +Sister: He thinks he's a chicken. +Psychiatrist: How long has be been acting like a chicken? +Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A mature woman was in the pastorial study counseling for her upcoming fourth +wedding. + "Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?" + "My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot +be." + "Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do +was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it +tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this +time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed." + + +================================================================================ + + An elderly couple went into a doctor. They told the doctor "We're having +some trouble with our sex life. Could you watch and offer some suggestions?" + The doctor replied, "I'm not a sex therapist. You should find someone else." + The couple said, "No, No, we trust you." + After watching them have sex, the doctor said, "You don't seem to be having +any troubles. I wish my sex life was as good. I can't give you any +suggestions." + This was repeated the next week and also the third week. After they had +finished on the third week, the doctor said, "You aren't having any trouble. Is +this your idea of kinky sex?" + The man replied, "No, actually the problem is that if we have sex at my +house, my wife will catch us. If we have sex at her house, her husband will +catch us. The motel charges us $50, and we can't afford that. You only charge +$35, and Medicare pays half of that." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband +is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do +about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might +do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and +come back in the morning and tell her what happened. + The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill +worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist +what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she +doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. + The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the +therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would +happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to +go ahead and try it. + The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that +the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband +the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an +experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person. +Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle +of pills in the husband's morning coffee. + A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the +dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?" + "Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?" + "Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sittin' in +the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of +years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible +compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife +suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill +indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on +his own. + One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could +see at once that something was seriously wrong. + "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. + "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my +penis into the pickle slicer?" + "Oh, Bill, you didn't." + "Yes, I did." + "My God, Bill, what happened?" + "I got fired." + "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" + "Oh...she got fired too." + + +================================================================================ + +A well known rich businessman's wife broke her hip. The businessman got the +best bone surgeon in town to do the operation. The operation consisted of +lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it. The operation +went fine, and the doctor sent the business man a fee for his services of $5000. +The businessman was outraged at the cost, and sent the doctor a letter demanding +an itemized list of the costs. The doctor sent back a list with two things: + +1 screw $ 1 +Knowing how to put it in $4999 + $5000 total + +The businessman never argued. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"What kind of job do you do?" a lady passenger asked the man traveling in her +compartment. "I'm a naval surgeon," he replied. "Goodness!" said the lady, +"How you doctors specialize these days." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb? +None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. + Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic, his surgeon comes in and +tells him: "Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news for you." + "Give me the bad news first, Doc." says the patient. + "I'm afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son." + "Oh my god!" the patient cries, breaking into tears. + "But the good news", the doctor adds, "is that we had them biopsied and +you'll be relieved to know that they weren't malignant!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Three things nobody wants to hear the surgeon say: +- Oops. +- Has anyone seen my watch? +- That was some party last night. I can't remember WHEN I've been that drunk. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +At an international meeting, to surgeons were having an argument. The Indian +surgeon was saying "No no no, I am telling you it is Woomba" and the African +surgeon is saying "No Man, it is Whoooooommmmmm" They go on like this for about +10 minutes. Up comes the English surgeon, and interrupts them. "Excuse me +chaps, but I do believe that the word you are trying to say is "Womb." After he +has gone away, the African turns to the Indian and says "I bet you he has never +even seen a hippopotamus, never mind heard one fart under water. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear about the surgeon who used to be a collegiate quarterback that was + bumped in the middle of doing a circumcision? +He slipped and got the sack! + + +================================================================================ + + Doctors at King's College Hospital in London reported that Baby, a two year +old collie-Doberman, was apparently responsible for detecting a malignant tumor +on her owner's thigh. She ignored moles and other marks on the body but spent +several minutes each day sniffing the tumor, attempting twice to bite it off. +After several weeks, the owner finally sought medical advice. + + A recent study noted in The Journal of the American Medical Association +reported that, of two groups that entered a San Francisco hospital with equally +bad heart problems, the group that enjoyed prayer support from others had fewer +complications. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +An young man, on his first visit to a big city decides to go visit the local +whorehouse. A little while later he starts to feel sick. He goes to see a +doctor of internal medicine. The doctor examines him and says, "Well son, I +don't know how to tell you this, but you've got a bad case of syphilis, +gonorrhea, and about 12 other things I can't spell. I'm afraid I'm going to +have to give you this medicine. It'll make you get better but it'll also cause +your penis to shrivel up and disappear. It's going to cost you $1000." This +doesn't make our friend very happy so he goes and sees a surgeon. The surgeon +examines him and says "Sorry, but it looks like a nice mix of syphilis, +gonorrhea, and a few other things to boot. Afraid I'm going to have to cut your +dick off and charge you $2000." By this time the guy is desperate so he goes to +see a doctor of holistic medicine. The doctor examines him and comes to +essentially the same conclusion as the other doctors: an advanced case of V. D. +However, his approach to the problem is designed to save the patient unnecessary +expense, trauma, and worry: "Look, just go home and eat lots of good food, get +plenty of rest, and gets lots of sunshine and fresh air. Wait about two weeks +and your dick will fall off all by itself." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the war, +the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by teaching "a +singularly important principle of medicine." He asked a nurse to fetch him a +sample of Urine. He then talked at length about Diabetes mellitus. "Diabetes," +he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that the bees like the urine +of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which means sweet as honey. Well, +as you know, you may find sugar in the urine of a diabetic..." By now the nurse +had returned with a sample of urine which the registrar promptly held up like a +trophy. We stared at that straw colored fluid as if we had never seen such a +thing before. The registrar then startled us. He dipped a finger boldly into +the urine, then licked his finger with the tip of his tongue. As if tasting +wine, he opened and closed his lips rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint +taste of sugar? The sample was passed on to us for an opinion. We all dipped a +finger into the fluid, all of us foolishly licked that finger. "Now," said the +Registrar grinning, "You have learned the first principle of diagnosis. I mean +the power of observation." We were baffled. We stood near the sluice room +outside the ward, and in the distance, some anonymous patient was explosively +coughing. "You see," the registrar said continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my +MIDDLE finger into the urine, but licked my INDEX finger - not like all you +chaps. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +An American, an Englishman and a Japanese fellow were discussing their +respective countries over drink at a London pub one evening. The English fellow +mentioned how that British medicine had progressed so far that doctors recently +had taken a single liver and cut it into six pieces then transplanted it into +six separate men in need of a healthy liver. This had resulted in six new +workers in the job market. At this, the Japanese guy said that in his country +doctors had cut a lung into twelve pieces, transplanted these into twelve people +in need of healthy lungs, thereby putting twelve new people in the job market. +Not to be outdone, the American said "That's nothing. In the U. S., we took +one asshole, made it President, and now there are 10 million people in the +market for a job!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +At a party, an Israeli doctor says: "Medicine is so advanced in our country, +that we can take a kidney from one person, and put it into another, and have him +looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor says: "We can take the heart and +the lungs from a cadaver, and transplant them into a living person, and he'll be +looking for work in three months." An American social worker says: "We took a +quarter million assholes from the USSR, and transplanted them to Brighton Beach, +and not a single one is looking for work!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, +"Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven +o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They +give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps." + The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. +Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. +They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps." + Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every +morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every +morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A waiter in a Brighton Beach restaurant is so harried, he has no time to go to +the bathroom, so he pisses into a big vat of borscht. Later he serves the +borscht to a client whom he recognizes as his doctor. He asks: "Doctor, do you +think this borscht too sweet? Can you taste sugar?" The doctor tries it and +says, "No." "Thank you, doctor! The medicine you prescribed me must have +helped." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you here about the pharmaceutical company? They developed a new drug that, +when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent. The FDA refused +to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The Joy Of Obesity +by Dr. John Cocker + +reprinted and edited without permission from +_PUNCH_ The Journal of Medical Humour Digest for Canadian Doctors +Jul,Aug 1993 + + Obesity has been getting a lot of bad press recently. Research conducted +entirely by thin people, has uncovered justification for their own masochistic +obsessive-compulsive, fun-killing anal retentative lifestyles. + One of the great problems with research, of course, is that the researchers +tend to find what they're looking for. And when they find it, they stop looking +for other things. It's important, therefore, not to believe research by +pressure groups that start with preconceived ideas. + Examples of findings not to believe: research on the benefits of exercise by +phys. Ed. Department, on the hazards of cholesterol by an anorexic and on the +joy of obesity by an overweight G. P. The whole obesity phobia was started by +some statistics from a life insurance company purporting to show that people who +were overweight didn't live as long as people who were underweight. These were +very raw figures and led to some unwarranted conclusions. + First, it was assumed that if the overweight group lost weight they'd live +longer. This was totally unproved. It never will be proved, as there are just +not enough people to study who've lost weight permanently. [95% of those who +lose weight gain it back again within 5 years -ed] [and the yo-yo effect of +losing then gaining many pounds repeatedly causes a greater health risk than +staying overweight. -ed] + Second, it did not address the possibility that the obese group might have +another factor affecting lifespan. It seems this is very likely, since the +Framington Study showed that if diabetics and those with heart disease were +removed from the obese group, the obese group lived longer. + +Let's list some benefits of obesity: + + Overeating Is Fun. Make a list of all the pleasures that are in this life +and you'll find the list isn't very long. The one pleasure that's life-long and +never pales is eating. + + Carrying Fat Is Good Exercise. If you believe in exercise (I don't), surely +carrying around 20 or 30 pounds of fat all day should be good for you. + + Obese People Are Nicer People. This is not just a hasty remark, but the +result of careful clinical observation. I've seen an average of 20 patients a +day for 30 years. I can tell you that these people are more jolly, more kind, +more forgiving and just generally nicer. Although it could be the other way +round, losing weight and keeping it off, is so rare that only +obsessive-compulsives are able to do it. This may be admirable, but +obsessive-compulsives aren't relaxing people to be with. [I agree. Really thin +and athletic people are that way usually from a driving goal-oriented +personality. In short, they are assholes. -ed.] + + Obese People Represent Superior Adaptation. In days gone by, there were many +advantages to being able to convert excess food into fat. The long winters were +better survived by those with a reserve of calories. + + Climatic Adaptation. Obese people can survive cold better. In particular, +their cold-water survival ability has been demonstrated many times. + + Obese People Make Better Lovers. This is a fact known to romantics the world +over. Bony lovers can never compete with what G. K. Chesterston referred to +as the "promise of pneumatic bliss." + + Anorexia, a terrible condition, is rare among obese people. + + Those who consider the highly trained athlete to be the ideal human might +want to consider the greatest duration runner of the animal kingdom, the +pronghorn antelope of Wyoming. It can run 95km/h for an hour. It has +tremendous lungs, an amazing cardiac output and a maximum oxygen uptake that +might deplete the Earth's resources. So why didn't this marvel of nature become +a widespread species ? Since these antelopes have no body fat, and can stand +neither cold nor lack or food, few survive the Wyoming winter. + +Think about it. [] + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several +of us died of tuberculosis. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical10.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical10.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..3e3e854 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +Seen in the comic strip "Herman": +Scene: doctor talking to a patient lying in a hospital bed +"Your condition is so rare, we're not sure we're pronouncing it right." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical100.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical100.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..759beec --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical100.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + + Did you hear about the doctor who had his license taken away because he was +having affairs with his patients? + Yup, it's a shame because he was one of the top veterinarians in the country! + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical101.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical101.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..8f7ea44 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical101.txt @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ + +Once upon a time a sailor ran into his doctor's office and begged him for help. +He pulled down his pants and showed the doctor his dick, which was sporting a +ruby red ring around the tip. He asked the doctor if there was any cure for +this strange VD that had appeared. The doctor just smiled, soaked a cloth in +alcohol, and rubbed the end of the dick three times. The sailor looked down and +saw that the ring was gone. Ecstatic, he paid the doctor and ran off to catch +his ship. A few months later, another sailor came to the doctor and said to +him: "A few months back, my buddy came here with a ring around his dick, and he +said you just rubbed it three times and he was cured. Well, I have a similar +problem..." The sailor pulled down his pants and showed off his dick, which was +sporting an emerald green ring around the tip. Well, the doctor just reached +into a pocket, took out a large knife, and with one whack cut off the sailor's +dick. "What did you do that for!?" screamed the sailor in agony. "Your buddy had +lipstick around his dick," explained the doctor, "You had gangrene." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical102.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical102.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7182ac5 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical102.txt @@ -0,0 +1,28 @@ + + One day there was a guy who always scream when he talks. Every time he tries +to talk to his family and friends the first thing they do is cover their ears +because the guy was about to scream. So his family suggest him to go to the +doctor for a reason why he always scream. + Doctor: What is the problem, sir? + Man: (screaming) I don't know? + D: Why do you scream all the time? + M: (screaming) I don't know? + The doctor looks at his doctor book to try to find a cure for his ever +screaming voice. + D: Well sir I think I know what the problem is. + M: (scream) What is it? + D: You must have a hugh penis. + It turns out that the guy had a hugh 20 inch penis. So the doctor suggest +that he remove 13 inches of his penis so that his voice will become normal. +After surgery, the guy wakes up and tried to talk. "Um... hello... hello" His +voice turned out to be normal as the doctor said that it would be. + So four months later, the guy was curious what the doctor did with the rest +of the 13 inches that he cut out. Maybe for research purposes or something he +thought. He calls the doctor and asked him: + Man: Sir you performed surgery on my penis a few months back. Do you +remember? + Doctor: Hmm Hmm + Man: Well I was just wondering. What did you do with the rest of the 13 +inches. + Doctor: (screaming) I threw it away!!!!! + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical104.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical104.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a145980 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical104.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13 @@ + +Last year a guy went to a doctor because he was losing weight. He found out he +had a tapeworm, and was instructed by the doctor to bring a muffin, a Twinkie +and a cookie with him on his next visit. When he was being examined the doctor +shoved the muffin, the Twinkie, and finally the cookie up the guy's ass. The +patient protested, but the doctor calmed him down, saying it was part of the +therapy. This treatment continued for several weeks and every time the doctor +shoved a muffin, a Twinkie and a cookie up his ass. Finally, after many visits, +the Doctor instructed the patient to bring a muffin, a Twinkie and a mallet for +the next visit. The day arrived and this time the doctor shoved only the muffin +and the Twinkie up the patient's ass. After a few minutes the tapeworm appeared +out of his asshole and demanded, "Where's my cookie!?" WHAM!!!!!!!!!!!! + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical105.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical105.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d586eca --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical105.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What does the M. D. after a name of a Soviet emigre physician stand for? +Mentally deficient. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical106.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical106.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0e99475 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical106.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + + How can you determine that a death certificate was filled by a Soviet emigre +doctor? + He signs his name under "cause of death." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical107.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical107.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5a6ae6e --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical107.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + + Did you hear about the Soviet emigre doctor who cured a guy from jaundice and +strabismus? + The autopsy showed that the patient was Chinese. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical108.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical108.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9105f94 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical108.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +A Soviet emigre woman comes to a gynecologist and complains: "Doctor, when I +wasn't married, I had six abortions, and now I got married and can't get +pregnant." "Evidently you don't breed in captivity." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical109.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical109.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7449697 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical109.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +A Soviet emigre woman comes to a gynecologist for a checkup. She seems to be +very embarrassed and uncomfortable. +"Haven't you been examined like this before?" asks the doctor. +"Many times," she giggles, "but never by doctor." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical11.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical11.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1adac6c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical11.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ + + Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. + Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. + Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours +to live. + Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very +bad news? + Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical110.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical110.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..cb92d2b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical110.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +A Soviet emigre woman comes to a doctor. He instructs her to go behind the +screen and undress. She walks stark naked from behind the screen and says, +indignantly: "Doctor, why didn't you undress too?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical111.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical111.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..bc6e018 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical111.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +A Soviet emigre woman comes to a doctor for an examination. He tells her to +undress and lie down. She asks: "But will you marry me?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical112.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical112.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c84e3a4 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical112.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +A man comes to a Soviet emigre doctor because of sore throat. The doctor tells +him to pull down his pants and to swing his genitals in the window. "What does +this have to do with my throat?" "Nothing, I just hate the neighbors." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical114.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical114.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1202316 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical114.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +During an operation, the nurse tells the Soviet emigre surgeon: "Doctor, this +is the third operating table you've destroyed this month. Don't cut so deep." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical115.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical115.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..de61067 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical115.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +One Soviet emigre surgeon asks another: "How did that appendectomy go?" +"Appendectomy?" shrieks the other. "I though it was an autopsy!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical116.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical116.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7000edc --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical116.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +One Soviet emigre surgeon asks another: "How did the operation go?" +"It was a success until we dropped the patient off the table." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical117.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical117.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..ea38138 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical117.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +One Soviet emigre surgeon asks another: "How did the operation go?" +"The operation was a success, but the patient died." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical118.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical118.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..457314b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical118.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + + What happened to a Brighton Beach prostitute who had an appendectomy +performed by a Soviet emigre surgeon? + He sewed up the wrong hole, so now she's making money on the side. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical119.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical119.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..eee7dfb --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical119.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +"I'm treating a patient with a split personality," boasts a Soviet emigre +psychiatrist, "and Medicaid pays for both of them!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical12.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical12.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..ef98442 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical12.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13 @@ + + Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here? + Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train. + Patient: What happened? + Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you +like to hear first? + Patient: Well... The bad news first... + Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of +them. + Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news? + Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your +slippers. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical120.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical120.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..23346d3 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical120.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +A Soviet emigre doctor gets a call from the Medicaid office. "You've been +billing us for weekly house calls to Mr.~Ivanov for the last six months. +Haven't you noticed that Mr.~Ivanov has passed away?" "Sure I noticed! He was +my favorite patient, I visit him at cemetery." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical121.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical121.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c469932 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical121.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +A Soviet emigre comes to a doctor. "What's bothering you?" "You charge +Medicaid hundred dollars and ask me what bothering me? Figure out yourself!" +"You should have gone to a veterinarian. They figure out what's bothering +patients who can't tell." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical122.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical122.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..8395042 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical122.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ + +A Soviet emigre boy and girl come to a doctor's office and say: "Doctor, we +would like to know if we are screwing properly. Will you watch us, please?" +The doctor, somewhat puzzled, agrees, they climb on his table, the boy gets on +top of the girl, and they have sex. After observing them, the doctor says, +"Yes, you're having sex properly. That will be forty dollars." They come back +the next day with the same request, but this time the boy enters the girl from +the rear. They keep coming for four days in a row, using different positions +every day. On the fifth visit the doctor says, "Why do you keep on coming back? +I told you you're having sex properly." The boy explains, "The hotel room +costs the same forty dollars, but this way we get reimbursed by Medicaid." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical124.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical124.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b18b230 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical124.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +A Soviet emigre goes to a doctor to complain about constipation. The doctor +unblocks him with a pneumatic drill and advises him not to wipe his ass with a +cement bag in the future. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical125.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical125.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..caf79ca --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical125.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +A Soviet emigre comes to a doctor to show a red ring around the base of his +penis. The doctor decides it's some unusual of venereal disease and prescribes +antibiotics, but they don't help, and one week later the ring is still there. +The doctor then sends a piece of penis skin covered with red to a lab for +analysis. The lab reports: "The lipstick can be removed with soap and water." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical126.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical126.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..8f6e8e3 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical126.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + +An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman and catches a strange venereal +disease (this time, a green ring around the base of the penis). The patient +goes to a doctor who says he's never seen anything like it, but his penis would +probably have to be amputated. The patient goes to another doctor, who also +doesn't know anything about this decease, but thinks the amputation is +indicated. Deeply distressed, the patient decided to go to a Soviet emigre +doctor, figuring he may be familiar with this V. D. Indeed, the Soviet emigre +doctor says: "I know this decease! Your American doctors always want to cut. +Don't do anything. Two week later, prick fall off by himself." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical127.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical127.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..ab42e97 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical127.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +An American has sex with a Soviet emigre woman. The next day his prick turns +black. He runs to a doctor and asks: "Doctor, is this some weird venereal +disease?" "Worse," says the doctor. "It's frostbite." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical128.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical128.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d8527be --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical128.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Did you hear about the Soviet emigre who told his doctor he contracted a +venereal disease from a wet dream? + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical129.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical129.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e71ea27 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical129.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Why was the Soviet emigre woman nicknamed "Venus"? +Not for her beauty, but because there always was something venereal in her. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical130.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical130.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7e51385 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical130.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ + +A man was walking along a sidewalk in a very gentle manner, almost as if he were +walking on eggs. Two doctors, also on foot, were across the street. They +spotted the man and began to discuss his condition. "Prostrate trouble", said +the first doctor. "Oh no, not at all. That's a case of hemorrhoids if ever I +saw one", said the other. They tossed it back and forth until one of them +suggested going over to talk to the man. "Mr, this gentleman and I are both +doctors", said one, "and if you'll pardon our intrusion, I figured you have a +bad prostrate problem, but my colleague thought it to be hemorrhoids. Might you +state the problem so that we can solve our little dilemma?" "Well", said the +man, "all three of us were wrong. I thought it was gas." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical131.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical131.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..81242b4 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical131.txt @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ + + A doctor dies and goes to heaven. St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates +and checks him in. After he's registered, St. Peter says to him "Look at the +time: you must be hungry! Heaven Cafeteria is serving lunch, why don't you get +yourself something to eat?" + The doctor goes to the cafeteria and notices the long line. He immediately +cuts in at the front, only to hear loud protests. "I'm a doctor" he says, "I'm +a busy man, I don't have time to wait in line." + The others say "You're in heaven now, we're all the same here, get to the +back of the line and wait your turn!" + A few weeks later, waiting patiently on line for lunch, the doctor notices a +man come dashing in wearing scrubs and a lab coat, stethoscope around his neck. +He butts in at the head of the line and no-one utters a peep. "Hey," he says to +the guy in front of him, "Who does that guy think he is?" + "Oh, that's God," says the guy, "He likes to play doctor." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical132.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical132.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b2f0662 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical132.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ + +After her operation, the famous lady soap opera star was propped up in bed in +her private room, as the doctor did his rounds. "Tell me, how are you feeling +now?" he asked. "A lot better, thank you," purred the star in reply. "But one +thing does bother me. When will I be able to resume a normal sex life?" "Oh, +that's rather hard to say," said the doctor. "I've never been asked that after +a tonsilectomy before." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical134.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical134.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..82a9321 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical134.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +Patient walks into a doctor's office... +Patient: Doctor, people ignore me. +Doctor: NEXT! + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical135.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical135.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..4f8a3f8 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical135.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Patient: Doctor, I'm manic-depressive. +Doctor: Calm down. Cheer up. Clam down. Cheer up. Calm... Etc. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical136.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical136.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c35fce6 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical136.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Patient: Doctor, I have a split personality. +Doctor: Nurse, bring in another chair. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical137.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical137.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b3762ec --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical137.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything! +Doctor: So...since when did you have this problem? +Patient: What problem? + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical138.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical138.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..80c7b45 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical138.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and song, will I live longer? +Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical139.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical139.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9b3c153 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical139.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Nurse: Doctor, there is an invisible man in your waiting room. +Doctor: Tell him I can't see him now. Next. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical14.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical14.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..3a96967 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical14.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +Doctor: We need to get these people to a hospital! +Nurse: What is it? +Doctor: It's a big building with a lot of doctors, but that's not important now! + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical140.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical140.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0c10b7a --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical140.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Patient: Doctor, I keep thinking that I'm a deck of cards! +Doctor: Sit over there and I'll deal with you later. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical141.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical141.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0d3cd24 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical141.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails? +Doctor: No, throw them away like everybody else. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical142.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical142.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5f29516 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical142.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +Patient: My tongue tingles when I touch it to a cracked walnut wrapped in used + toaster oven aluminum foil, what's wrong with me? +Doctor: You have far too much free time. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical144.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical144.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..906545c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical144.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +Patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor. +Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out. +Patient: I wanna second opinion. +Doctor: OK, you're ugly, too. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical145.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical145.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..ab1ad2f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical145.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13 @@ + +Patient: Doctor, I have a problem. I feel unhealthy and depressed. +Doctor: You should cut down on drinks. +Patient: I don't touch a drop. +Doctor: You should cut down on smoking. +Patient: I don't smoke. +Doctor: You should stop taking drugs. +Patient: I don't do drugs. +Doctor: You should cut down on womanizing. +Patient: Haven't touched a woman in my life. +Doctor: In that case, get yourself a drink, learn to smoke, do some drugs, and +find a couple of girlfriends. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical146.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical146.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..210fb81 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical146.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + + A woman has just started to play golf when she gets stung on the arm by a +bee. She rushes back to the clubhouse, hoping to find a doctor. She asks "Is +anyone here a doctor?." + One guy, who was pretty drunk, stands up and says "I'm a doctor, what can I +help you with?" + "I've been stung by a bee." + "Oh really, where?" + "Between the first and second hole" + "Well, first of all, your stance is too wide..." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical147.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical147.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b2d821c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical147.txt @@ -0,0 +1,40 @@ + +Surgeon General C. Everett Koop, in conjunction with research associate Dr. Ed +Bluestone of the Surgeon General's office, has compiled for non-confidential +distribution a list of activities which, while not definitely linked to death or +established as causative factors in any specific form of physical or +physiological deterioration, have been determined through exhaustive reiteration +to be detrimental to the human condition and specifically to the welfare of +their perpetrator. While implementation of any of these activities is not +specifically illegal as cited by state or federal jurisdictions, engagement in +any of said activities could very probably be construed as a gross breach of +common etiquette constraints and/or moral codes and analogs. Widespread or +accelerated participation in any of the listed activities by an increasing or +superannuated segment of the population would be frowned on by and erosive to +all reasonable, respected, and stalwart facets of American society. + +THE SURGEON GENERAL WARNS: + +1. Never raise your hand during a hijacking to indicate that you get a kosher + meal. +2. Never ask a bald man if you can borrow his toupee to clean your windshield. +3. Never moon a werewolf. +5. Never squeeze a parakeet to death while screaming, "I want the name of your + accomplice!" +6. Never threaten to punish your Dalmation with spot remover. +7. Never use a bulldog as a surrogate mother. +8. Never hire an attorney who can discuss specific episodes of The Flintstones. +15. Never trust an Oriental dentist who sells miniature ivory animals. +18. Never ask a dog with rabies if he would like you to floss his teeth. +19. Never believe your dog when he tells you that while you were out, your + parents came over and drank water out of your toilet. +26. Never take a cockroach hostage and expect anyone to negotiate with you. +28. Never walk your dog around someone else's living room with a pooper scooper + in your hand. +29. Never say to a lobster before you boil him, "Let me know if your bath is too + hot." +31. Never tell an IRS auditor that if he doesn't leave you alone, you plan to + cheat again next year. +35. Never tell Yasser Arafat that you think Newark should be the Palestinian + homeland. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical148.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical148.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..379dbb1 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical148.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + + Patient : Doctor, you've got to help me. Every night I get the +uncontrollable urge to go downstairs and stick my dick into the biscuit tin. Do +you know what's wrong with me? + Doctor : Yes... You're fucking crackers. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical149.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical149.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..29fb71d --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical149.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + + While we're on the subject of questionable doctors; + A former professor of mine once mentioned that a physician friend of his used +to ask (in the old days) his female patients prior to physical examinations: +"Should I shave my beard first?" + It toke me a while to get it. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical15.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical15.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..96c05cb --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical15.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +Doctor: Does it hurt when you do this? +Patient: Yes. +Doctor: Well, don't do that. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical150.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical150.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1c38612 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical150.txt @@ -0,0 +1,52 @@ + +BLONDE'S DICTIONARY OF MEDICAL TERMS + +Anti-Body against everyone +Artery study of paintings +Bacteria back door to a cafeteria +Barium what to do when treatment fails +Bowel letters lik A E I O or U +Caesarean Section a district in Rome +Cardiology advanced study of poker playing +Cat Scan searching for ones lost kitty +Cauterize made eye contact with her +Colic sheep dog +Coma punctuation mark +Congenital friendly +D & C where Washington is +Dilate to live long +Enema not a friend +Fester quicker +Genes blue denim slacks +Genital non-Jewish +Hangnail coat hook +Hemorrhoid a male From outer space +Herpes what women do in the Ladies Room +Hormones what a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid +Impotent distinguished, well known +Inpatient tired of waiting +Labor Pain hurt at work +Medical Staff a doctor's cane +Minor Operation coal digging +Morbid a higher bid +Nitrate cheaper than the Day Rate +Node was aware of +Organic organ repairman +Outpatient a person who has fainted +Paralyze two far-fetched stories +Pharmacist person who makes a living dealing in agriculture +Post-Operative a letter carrier +Protein in favor of young people +Recovery Room place to upholster furniture +Rectum what happened to the Corvette +Rheumatic amorous +Saline where you go on your boyfriend's boat +Secretion hiding something +Tablet a small table +Terminal Illness getting sick at the airport +Tibia country in North Africa +Tumor an extra pair +Urine opposite of You're Out +Varicose nearby +Vein conceited + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical151.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical151.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..fb50182 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical151.txt @@ -0,0 +1,22 @@ + + A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and +they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is +going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland +infection. + The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on +the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle." + "Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor. + "It's worth a try," he says. So the doctor delivers the baby and then +operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, +"Father, you're not going to believe this." + "What?" says the priest. "What happened?" + "You gave birth to a child." + "But that's impossible!" + "I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's +your baby." + About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son +the truth. One day he sits the boy down and says, "Son, I have something to +tell you. I'm not your father." + The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" + The priest replies, "I'm your mother. The archbishop is your father." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical152.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical152.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..81cd126 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical152.txt @@ -0,0 +1,38 @@ + + Sigmund Freud had many interesting things to say about people's attitudes to +laundry. Here is a quick test to see how you relate to it: + +When watching your clothes going round in the tumble drier, what do you look +out for? + A Jeans + B Shirts + C Socks + D Sex + +What frightens you most about going into the laundrette? + A Losing one sock of your favorite pair + B Putting whites and colors together so the colors mix + C Spiders + D Sex + +What do you use to wash your clothes? + A Bold + B Persil + C Ariel + D Bio-Sex + +When waiting for the washing machine to finish, what do you do? + A Walk away and do something else + B Stand and look at it + C Sit and look at it + D Lie down and do something else + +You see a coffee stain on one of your shirts. What does it remind you of? + A Someone you know + B Coffee + C A butterfly + D Sex + +If you answered D to most of these questions, then I would be most interested to +meet you and discuss it at greater length. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical154.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical154.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..bd6c80f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical154.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +How do you tell the difference between male chromosomes and female chromosomes? +Pull down their genes! + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical155.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical155.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d39e844 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical155.txt @@ -0,0 +1,20 @@ + + The Vancouver [British Columbia] Sun, Thursday, 18 March 1993, page A13 lead +headline "United States" + +"Hospital costs prove 40% less in Canada +by Daniel Haney, AP Science writer + +Washington - + +Hospitals cost almost 40 per cent more in the United States than in Canada, +largely because [...] + +[...] + +U.S. hospitals are more expensive, in part, because the cases they treat are 14 +percent more complex. [Dr. Donald] Redelmeier, of Wellesley Hospital in +Toronto, writing in the New England Journal of Medicine] said this reflects +social differences between the two countries. "Frostbite of the nose is not as +expensive to treat as a shotgun wound to the belly." he said. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical156.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical156.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..514a82d --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical156.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ + +Bio-Medical Journal, 1985; 291:630-2. + +"The Asthma and Allergy Foundation of America in its search for offending +pollens took samples of Los Angeles air. Right outside its trendy Westside +office, this analysis showed that 40 percent of the collected contaminants +were from marijuana." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical157.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical157.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..8f3badf --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical157.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ + +A man goes to the doctor for a checkup. After the checkup, the doctor tells the +man he has bad news. "You only have six months to live." The man sits for a +while thinking, and then says, "There's only one thing I can do, I'm going to +become a Communist." The doctor says, "You've been a patriotic American all +your life, why are you going to become a Communist now?" The man says, "Better +one of them should die than one of us." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical158.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical158.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f410654 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical158.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + + A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her +contractions are only two minutes apart!" + "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. + "No, you *idiot*!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical159.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical159.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1339036 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical159.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ + + Son: Father, Can I ask you a question? + Father: Ok ask. + Son: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring +doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor +doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor. + Father : !!!??????!!! + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical16.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical16.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..3c8ca06 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical16.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +Doctor: Have you ever had this before? +Patient: Yes. +Doctor: Well, you've got it again. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical160.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical160.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..16c119a --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical160.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ + + The patient went to his doctor for a checkup, and the doctor wrote out a +prescription for him in his usual illegible writing. The patient put it in his +pocket, but he forgot to have it filled. Every morning for two years, he showed +it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice it got him into the movies, once +into the baseball park, and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by +showing it as a note from the boss. One day he mislaid it. His daughter picked +it up, played it on the piano and won a scholarship to a conservatory of music. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical161.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical161.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..85e6e3f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical161.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +"The doctor said he would have me on my feet in two weeks." +"And did he?" +"Yes, I had to sell the car to pay the bill." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical162.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical162.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c651493 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical162.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ + + A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't +so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he +decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife +picked up the phone. + "What took you so long to answer?" + "I was in bed." + "What were you doing in bed this late?" + "Getting a second opinion." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical164.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical164.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..da6d15f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical164.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +A physician is not angry at the intemperance of a mad patient, nor does he take +it ill to be railed at by a man in a fever. Just so should a wise man treat all +mankind, as a physician treats a patient, and look upon them only as sick and +extravagant. - Seneca + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical165.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical165.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..493a442 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical165.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + +A patient goes to a Polish doctor: + Patient: I am having a hard time hearing. I cannot even hear myself cough. + Doctor: Here is a prescription, take the midicine for 7 days, then return for +a checkup. + +SEVEN DAYS LATER: + Patient: Thanks a million, doctor. At least, I can hear myself cough NOW. So +what did you do to make me hear better? + Doctor: Not much, I gave you medicine that increased your cough. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical166.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical166.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c122d39 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical166.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + + A guy hasn't been feeling well for a while, so he goes to the doctor for a +check-up. After he sees the doctor, the doc tells him he has a very serious +condition and would like to talk to his wife. So the man leaves and sends his +wife in. The doctor tells the wife that her husband has a very serious +condition and that he is going to die. However, the doctor tells her that there +is one way she can save his life: She must cook him 3 meals a day and have sex +with him every night for 6 months and then he'll be OK. + When the wife leaves the office her husband asks her what the doctor said. +She looks at her husband and tells him, "He said you're gonna die." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical167.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical167.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0bba910 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical167.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ + + A doctor, a lawyer and a mathematician were discussing the relative merits of +having a wife or a mistress. + The lawyer says: "For sure a mistress is better. If you have a wife and want +a divorce, it causes all sorts of legal problems. + The doctor says: "It's better to have a wife because the sense of security +lowers your stress and is good for your health. + The mathematician says: "You're both wrong. It's best to have both so that +when the wife thinks you're with the mistress and the mistress thinks you're +with your wife, you can do some mathematics. + + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical168.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical168.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e84040f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical168.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ + + One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on +the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm +sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay +fresh." + The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, +he rolls back over and taps his wife again. + This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow +too?." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical169.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical169.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d8ca0b7 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical169.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ + +Two gynecologists meet on a conference. As usual, they tell each other what +cases they have had the past year. +1: Well, I have had a patient with breasts, just like melons. +2: Incredible, so big? +1: Yes +2: But I had a patient with a clitoris, just like a lemon. +1: Waaw, so big? +2: No, so sour + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical17.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical17.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..eaa7212 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical17.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + + A doctor is talking to a car mechanic: + "Your debit is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical +care." + "Yea, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed +since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical170.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical170.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5c096b6 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical170.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +One woman says to another: "I can't understand why you haven't gone to see that +new gynecologist yet! I mean he's so young and handsome! And your gynecologist +is so old!" The other woman replies with a smile: "Yeah, I know. His hands +shake *all* the time!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical171.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical171.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..fe5c039 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical171.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +If tennis players get tennis elbow, and squash players get squash knees, what do + gynecologists get? +Tunnel vision! + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical172.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical172.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..8538728 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical172.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ + +Things Not To Say To Your Pregnant Wife After Her Ultrasound + +5) Thirsty? +4) Where did the extra set of arms come from? +3) Why does it look so much like a lizard? +2) So, what are the characteristics of hermaphroditism? +1) Could we do that again? The nurse had me distracted. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical174.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical174.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..26ce8a4 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical174.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ + + A mature woman was in the pastorial study counseling for her upcoming fourth +wedding. + "Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?" + "My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot +be." + "Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do +was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it +tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this +time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed." + + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical175.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical175.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..007df78 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical175.txt @@ -0,0 +1,27 @@ + + A teenager of about 17 has a hot date with a girl, so he decided to go to the +pharmacy to buy some condoms. + +(Conversation as follows) + + Pharm: What can I help you with? + Teen: I'd like to...uh... ah... buy a condom. + Pharm: Ok. Here you are. (Sets condom, on counter.) + Teen: (Thinking that was rather easy and painless) Well, now that I think +about it, I think I'll be needing two condoms. + Pharm: Well, okay. (Gets another one). + Teen: (Getting bolder.) Actually, its a pretty hot date I have tonight. I +think I'll be needing four condoms. + (Teen keeps changing his mind and increasing the number of condoms he wants +until he's leaving the pharmacy with 2 dozen condoms) + Now the teenager arrives at his girlfriend's house. She tells him that he's +invited to stay for dinner. So he goes in and sits down at the table with all +of her family. The father asks if he'd like to say grace before beginning the +meal. He accepts and says the following: + Teen: Oh Lord, thank you for this food and the hands that made it, and the +people who took the time to grow it and... (goes on for nearly 10 minutes, +blessing EVERYTHING including the table, the silverware, all the containers, the +floor, etc...) ...AMEN. + Girl: Gee, I didn't know that you were really religious. + Teen: Well, I didn't know that your dad was a pharmacist. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical176.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical176.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5868e7c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical176.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ + + This kid walks into the pharmacy: "I've a hot date tonight, a sure thing, and +my buddies said you could fix me up for it." + "What do you want?" + "Well, it's a hot date, man. A sure thing? You know..." + "What do you want?" + "I need some protection, alright??!?!" + "What size?" + "Size? I dunno... Whatever is considered average I guess." + "That'll be $2.35 including tax." + "Tacks? Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical177.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical177.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7fc2a7d --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical177.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady +pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping +him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please". With a surprised look on her face +the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!" to which the guy replies, "Make +it 100". + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical178.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical178.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..93ce4b1 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical178.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13 @@ + + A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he +has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. + The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to +bust. The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, that if the man +returns, to follow him. + Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once +more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns. + "So did you follow him?" + "I did." + "And...where did he go?" + "Over to your house..." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical179.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical179.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..cac83f4 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical179.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +A woman walks into the local pharmacy as ask to see sanitary napkins. +The pharmacist replys "We have mini-pads and maxi-pads, which do you prefer?" +The woman asks "What's the difference?" +Pharmacist replys "It depends on what you flow is like!" +Woman replys "My flo? My flo is linoleum!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical18.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical18.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..64179eb --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical18.txt @@ -0,0 +1,25 @@ + + A woman goes to a doctor with a problem. She's sat on the chair next to the +doctor, and she's very hesitant about describing her problem. Eventually, the +doctor manages to discover that she thinks she may be sexually perverted. "What +sort of perversion are you talking about?" asks the doctor. "Well," said the +woman, "I like to be... Ohh... Ah... Ummm... I'm sorry doctor, but I'm too +ashamed to talk about it." "Come, come, my dear. I'm a doctor you know; I've +been trained to understand these problems. So what's the matter ...?" So the +woman again tried to explain, but got so embarrassed that she just turned bright +red and looked as though she might faint. It was then the doctor had a bright +idea. "Look," he said, "I'm a bit of a pervert myself. So if you show me what +your perversion is, I'll show you what mine is. Ok? Is it a deal?" The woman +considered the offer, and after a short while agreed that it was a fair request. +So after a slight pause she said "Well my perversion is... My perversion... +oh... I like to be kissed on the bottom!" "Shit Is that ALL!" said the doctor. +"Look, go behind that screen, take all your clothes off, and I'll come round and +show you what MY perversion is! Hee Hee!" So the woman does as she is told, and +undresses behind the screen. She gets down on all fours thinking to herself, +"Hmmmm, perhaps he might kiss me on the bum." Anyway, 15 minutes pass and +nothing has happened. So the woman peers around the side of the screen to see +the doctor sitting behind his desk, his feet up on the table, reading a +newspaper and whistling to himself. "Hey!" shouted the woman, "I thought you +said you were a pervert?" "Oh I am," said the doctor, "I've just shit in your +handbag." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical180.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical180.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9481f15 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical180.txt @@ -0,0 +1,22 @@ + + A young lad starts work in a pharmacy. The owner is explaining the rudiments +of the job to the youth... + "When a customer comes into the shop, be very polite to them and try to put a +little poetry into it when you're talking to them." + The youth says that he does not see what the pharmacist means by this, so the +pharmacist says that he should observe when the next customer comes in and watch +how he or she is dealt with. + Presently a middle aged woman comes in to the shop and asks for something for +a tummy bug. + The pharmacist says " There's a lot of that virus going about, but this pink +mixture should sort you out!" + "Oh thank you very much!" says the middle aged woman and she leaves the shop. + So the pharmacist says the youth can serve the next customer while he goes to +tea break, "And remember to put some poetry into it" he says. + Anyway, the youth waits around and nobody comes in, so he decides to go to +the restroom. Just as he's about to nip off, a young teenage girl comes in. + "Can I help you?" he asks. She replies very embarrassedly that she would +like to buy some sanitary towels, to which the youth replies : + "Hang on Miss, I'm dying for a piss, but I'll be back in a flash, with a sash +for your gash!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical181.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical181.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d619cbf --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical181.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + + So Dracula's coffin was on a collision course for Jerry's pharmacy. + Jerry was a quick thinker, so he whipped out a pack of cherry Halls and threw +it at the casket. + The Halls really worked, 'cuz the coffin' stopped. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical182.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical182.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..2812085 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical182.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + + A funeral procession was winding it's way to the cemetery on top of the hill +outside town, when the hearse hit a bump. The coffin was bumped loose, fell out +onto the road and began sliding back toward town. (It was a steep hill). It +slid faster and faster; finally, it reached the town and was skidding its way +down Main St. Suddenly, at one intersection, the coffin took a sharp right +turn, and entered a pharmacy, smashing through the big glass window at the front +of the store, it went down an aisle and banged into the counter at the back. + The lid popped off, the corpse sat up and said, "You got anything to stop +this coffin?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical184.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical184.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1b28d0f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical184.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by +stuffing the pack into a condom. She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up. +The pharmacist said, "What brand of condoms to you prefer ma'am." She said, "I'm +not sure, they're for my Camels.", at which point he fainted. + + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical185.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical185.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c7af87b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical185.txt @@ -0,0 +1,14 @@ + + A psychiatrist on his rounds in a mental hospital sees a couple of patients +behaving rather strangely. The first man is sitting on the edge of his bed +clutching an imaginary steering wheel and making loud train noises +"CHOOO-CHOOO... WHOOOO-WHOOOOO..." + "What are you doing?" enquires the doctor. + "I'm taking a train down to Barcelona," replies the man. + Somewhat taken aback but not to be put off, the doctor moves on to the next +bed where he can see some very energetic activity going on underneath the +covers. On pulling them back he finds a man totally naked face down into the +mattress. + "And what are you doing?" asks the doctor, a little perplexed. + "Well," pants the man, "While he's in Barcelona, I'm fucking his wife." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical186.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical186.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..8165cc8 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical186.txt @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ + +A group of psychiatrists go to tour an insane asylum that is known for their +progressive rehabilitation methods. They begin by visiting some of the +patients. The first patient they visit is a young woman. She is practicing +ballet. One of the psychiatrist asks, "What are you doing?" She replies, "I'm +studying ballet so when I get out of here I can possibly join a troupe and be a +productive member of society." "Wow, that's wonderful." The next person was a +man reading a book with a pile of books next to him. The same question asked to +him, "What are you doing?" "I'm studying biology, chemistry, etc. So I can +enter medical school when I get out" Room after room, they witnessed the +incredible success and attitudes of the patients. Until they finally reached a +room the asylums director was reluctant to open. Finally, he was persuaded to +open it. Inside was a man balancing a peanut on his penis. The reaction of the +psychiatrist, "My God what are you doing?" The man replied: "I'm fucking nuts +and I'm never getting out of here" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical187.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical187.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..14483bf --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical187.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + + A man walked into a psychiatrist's office, sat down, took out a pack of +cigarettes. He removed a cigarette from the pack, unrolled it, and stuffed the +tobacco up his nose. + The shrink frowned and said, "I see you need my help!" + The guy said, "Yeah Doc. Got a match!?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical188.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical188.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..dddcde1 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical188.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +A man walks into the psychiatrists office with a pancake on his head, fried eggs +on each shoulder, and a strip of bacon over each ear. The shrink, humoring him, +asks, "What seems to be the problem?" The guy answers, "Doc, I'm worried about +my brother." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical189.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical189.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..82eb44e --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical189.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +A man who thinks he's George Washington has been seeing a psychiatrist. He +finishes up one session by telling him, "Tomorrow, we'll cross the Delaware and +surprise them when they least expect it." As soon as he's gone, the psychiatrist +picks up the phone and says, "King George, this is Benedict Arnold. I have the +plans." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical19.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical19.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d69d456 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical19.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the +best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I +would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very +kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that +prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical190.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical190.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..29b929f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical190.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so +for public safety, he was committed. He was put in a room with another crazy +and immediately began his routine, "I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has +sent me!" The other guy looks at him and declares, "I did *not*!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical191.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical191.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b68e9bc --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical191.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ + +Sign on a psychologists office: Schizophrenics pay double. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical192.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical192.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..8582c77 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical192.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ + +Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical194.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical194.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f8ee165 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical194.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +Woman walks into her psychiatrist's office and says, "Hey doc, you know how we +have been talking about Freudian slips? Well, I had the most amazing one last +night. I was eating dinner with my mother, and I meant to say, "Please pass the +salt," but instead I said, "You fucking bitch, you ruined my life." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical195.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical195.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..25ebe0b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical195.txt @@ -0,0 +1,22 @@ + + A Man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, than stands +on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place. + The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come +into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you..." + The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I +do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit +me..." + The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist, +here's his card, why don't you see him?" + The man hugs the bartender, shakes his hand and leaves with a thousand thank +yous... + Six months later, the man walks into the bar, and orders a drink. + The bartender says "OK, here you go... Wait! Weren't you that guy who..." + "Yes, And I went and saw your brother. He is fantastic, I am completely +cured." + "Well, that's great. This beer is on the house" + So the man drinks the beer, stands on the bar, drops his trousers and pisses +on the bar. + "You bastard! I thought you said you were cured!" + "I am! It doesn't bother me anymore..." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical196.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical196.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0c3de35 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical196.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ + +The head doctors in an insane asylum had a meeting and decided that one of their +patients was potentially well. So they decide to test him and take him to the +movies. When they get to the movie theatre, there are signs of wet paint +pointing to the benches. The doctors just sit down, but the patient puts a +newspaper down first and then sits down. The doctors get all excited cause they +think maybe he's in touch with reality now. So they ask him, "Why did you put +the newspaper down first?" He answers, "So I'd be higher and have a better +view." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical197.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical197.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9cd42e6 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical197.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +A man calls the psychiatrist at a mental hospital and asks who's in room 24. +"Nobody" comes the reply. +"Good" says the man, "I must have escaped." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical198.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical198.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..88dd4d4 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical198.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +Psychiatrist: What's your problem? +Patient: I think I'm a chicken. +Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on? +Patient: Ever since I was an egg! + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical199.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical199.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1614987 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical199.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +Psychiatrist: What's wrong with your brother? +Sister: He thinks he's a chicken. +Psychiatrist: How long has be been acting like a chicken? +Sister: Three years. We would have come in sooner, but we needed the eggs. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical2.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical2.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..dd6dcfe --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical2.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +Then there's the woman who goes to the dentist. As he leans over to begin +working on her, she grabs his balls. The dentist says, "Madam, I believe you've +got a hold of my privates." The woman replies, "Yes. We're going to be careful +not to hurt each other, aren't we." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical20.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical20.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..af76c26 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical20.txt @@ -0,0 +1,15 @@ + + A man suffering from a severe case of flatulence goes to the doctor. + Man: Doctor, I have a terrible (FARRRT!) problem. I just can't (FFFART!!) +stop farting. + Doctor: That is an unusual complaint. Take off your clothes and lay, stomach +down, on the couch. + The man does as he is told. The doctor examines him for a minute - the man +farting all the time this is going on. + Doctor: Aha! This should be easy to cure. Excuse me for a moment. + The doctor goes over to a closet and pulls out a long pole with a sharp spike +at one end. + Man: (FAART!) Oh my God! (fart..) What are you going to do with (FFFARTT!!) +that?! + Doctor: I need to open a window. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical200.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical200.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..26ce8a4 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical200.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ + + A mature woman was in the pastorial study counseling for her upcoming fourth +wedding. + "Father, how am I going to tell my husband that I am still a virgin?" + "My child, you have been a married woman for many years. Surely that cannot +be." + "Well, father, my first husband was a psychologist, and all he wanted to do +was talk, and the next one was in construction and he always said he'd get to it +tomorrow. The last one was a gynecologist and all he did was look. But this +time, father, I'm marrying a lawyer and I'm sure I'm going to get screwed." + + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical201.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical201.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..fbc8a26 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical201.txt @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ + + An elderly couple went into a doctor. They told the doctor "We're having +some trouble with our sex life. Could you watch and offer some suggestions?" + The doctor replied, "I'm not a sex therapist. You should find someone else." + The couple said, "No, No, we trust you." + After watching them have sex, the doctor said, "You don't seem to be having +any troubles. I wish my sex life was as good. I can't give you any +suggestions." + This was repeated the next week and also the third week. After they had +finished on the third week, the doctor said, "You aren't having any trouble. Is +this your idea of kinky sex?" + The man replied, "No, actually the problem is that if we have sex at my +house, my wife will catch us. If we have sex at her house, her husband will +catch us. The motel charges us $50, and we can't afford that. You only charge +$35, and Medicare pays half of that." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical202.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical202.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0a62723 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical202.txt @@ -0,0 +1,26 @@ + + A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband +is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do +about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might +do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and +come back in the morning and tell her what happened. + The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill +worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist +what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she +doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. + The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the +therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would +happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to +go ahead and try it. + The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that +the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband +the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an +experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person. +Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle +of pills in the husband's morning coffee. + A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the +dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?" + "Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?" + "Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sittin' in +the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical204.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical204.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..ad0cef8 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical204.txt @@ -0,0 +1,14 @@ + +A well known rich businessman's wife broke her hip. The businessman got the +best bone surgeon in town to do the operation. The operation consisted of +lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it. The operation +went fine, and the doctor sent the business man a fee for his services of $5000. +The businessman was outraged at the cost, and sent the doctor a letter demanding +an itemized list of the costs. The doctor sent back a list with two things: + +1 screw $ 1 +Knowing how to put it in $4999 + $5000 total + +The businessman never argued. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical205.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical205.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c8299bb --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical205.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +"What kind of job do you do?" a lady passenger asked the man traveling in her +compartment. "I'm a naval surgeon," he replied. "Goodness!" said the lady, +"How you doctors specialize these days." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical206.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical206.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1deb52d --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical206.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +How many surgeons does it take to change a light bulb? +None. They would wait for a suitable donor and do a filament transplant. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical207.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical207.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b7f8f3c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical207.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ + + A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy. + Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic, his surgeon comes in and +tells him: "Well, I've got good news and I've got bad news for you." + "Give me the bad news first, Doc." says the patient. + "I'm afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son." + "Oh my god!" the patient cries, breaking into tears. + "But the good news", the doctor adds, "is that we had them biopsied and +you'll be relieved to know that they weren't malignant!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical208.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical208.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1043a45 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical208.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +Three things nobody wants to hear the surgeon say: +- Oops. +- Has anyone seen my watch? +- That was some party last night. I can't remember WHEN I've been that drunk. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical209.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical209.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..08293ba --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical209.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ + +At an international meeting, to surgeons were having an argument. The Indian +surgeon was saying "No no no, I am telling you it is Woomba" and the African +surgeon is saying "No Man, it is Whoooooommmmmm" They go on like this for about +10 minutes. Up comes the English surgeon, and interrupts them. "Excuse me +chaps, but I do believe that the word you are trying to say is "Womb." After he +has gone away, the African turns to the Indian and says "I bet you he has never +even seen a hippopotamus, never mind heard one fart under water. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical21.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical21.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5f7c1fe --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical21.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ + +There are three Jewish mothers bragging about their sons. The first one says +"My son is very successful. He is the best lawyer in New York City." The second +one says "My son has done better than that. He is the best Doctor in New York +City." The third one says "My son has not done that well. He does not have a +very good job, and he is homosexual. But he has these two great boyfriends.... +One is the best lawyer in New York City, and the other is the best doctor in the +city." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical210.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical210.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7c0f046 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical210.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +Did you hear about the surgeon who used to be a collegiate quarterback that was + bumped in the middle of doing a circumcision? +He slipped and got the sack! + + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical211.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical211.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..fecef9c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical211.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ + + Doctors at King's College Hospital in London reported that Baby, a two year +old collie-Doberman, was apparently responsible for detecting a malignant tumor +on her owner's thigh. She ignored moles and other marks on the body but spent +several minutes each day sniffing the tumor, attempting twice to bite it off. +After several weeks, the owner finally sought medical advice. + + A recent study noted in The Journal of the American Medical Association +reported that, of two groups that entered a San Francisco hospital with equally +bad heart problems, the group that enjoyed prayer support from others had fewer +complications. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical212.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical212.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..10555d3 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical212.txt @@ -0,0 +1,19 @@ + +An young man, on his first visit to a big city decides to go visit the local +whorehouse. A little while later he starts to feel sick. He goes to see a +doctor of internal medicine. The doctor examines him and says, "Well son, I +don't know how to tell you this, but you've got a bad case of syphilis, +gonorrhea, and about 12 other things I can't spell. I'm afraid I'm going to +have to give you this medicine. It'll make you get better but it'll also cause +your penis to shrivel up and disappear. It's going to cost you $1000." This +doesn't make our friend very happy so he goes and sees a surgeon. The surgeon +examines him and says "Sorry, but it looks like a nice mix of syphilis, +gonorrhea, and a few other things to boot. Afraid I'm going to have to cut your +dick off and charge you $2000." By this time the guy is desperate so he goes to +see a doctor of holistic medicine. The doctor examines him and comes to +essentially the same conclusion as the other doctors: an advanced case of V. D. +However, his approach to the problem is designed to save the patient unnecessary +expense, trauma, and worry: "Look, just go home and eat lots of good food, get +plenty of rest, and gets lots of sunshine and fresh air. Wait about two weeks +and your dick will fall off all by itself." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical214.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical214.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..60bdcf1 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical214.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13 @@ + +An American, an Englishman and a Japanese fellow were discussing their +respective countries over drink at a London pub one evening. The English fellow +mentioned how that British medicine had progressed so far that doctors recently +had taken a single liver and cut it into six pieces then transplanted it into +six separate men in need of a healthy liver. This had resulted in six new +workers in the job market. At this, the Japanese guy said that in his country +doctors had cut a lung into twelve pieces, transplanted these into twelve people +in need of healthy lungs, thereby putting twelve new people in the job market. +Not to be outdone, the American said "That's nothing. In the U. S., we took +one asshole, made it President, and now there are 10 million people in the +market for a job!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical215.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical215.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..20d1560 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical215.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ + +At a party, an Israeli doctor says: "Medicine is so advanced in our country, +that we can take a kidney from one person, and put it into another, and have him +looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor says: "We can take the heart and +the lungs from a cadaver, and transplant them into a living person, and he'll be +looking for work in three months." An American social worker says: "We took a +quarter million assholes from the USSR, and transplanted them to Brighton Beach, +and not a single one is looking for work!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical216.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical216.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f710fc9 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical216.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ + + Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, +"Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven +o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They +give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps." + The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. +Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. +They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps." + Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every +morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every +morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical217.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical217.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d05f87e --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical217.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ + +A waiter in a Brighton Beach restaurant is so harried, he has no time to go to +the bathroom, so he pisses into a big vat of borscht. Later he serves the +borscht to a client whom he recognizes as his doctor. He asks: "Doctor, do you +think this borscht too sweet? Can you taste sugar?" The doctor tries it and +says, "No." "Thank you, doctor! The medicine you prescribed me must have +helped." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical218.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical218.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9865e1f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical218.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ + +The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical219.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical219.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..bd9c97f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical219.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +Did you here about the pharmaceutical company? They developed a new drug that, +when administered to women, compels them to go join a convent. The FDA refused +to license it, though. Seems it was habit-forming. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical22.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical22.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..98bd508 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical22.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ + +"HOW DID IT HAPPEN?" the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the +man's broken leg. "Well, doc, 25 years ago ..." "Never mind the past. Tell me +how you broke your leg this morning." "Like I was saying... 25 years ago, when +I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I'd gone to bed, +the farmer's beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was +anything I wanted. I said no, everything is fine. "Are you sure?", she asked. +"I'm sure, I said. "Isn't there anything I can do for you?" she wanted to know. +"I reckon not" I replied... "Excuse me," said the doctor, "What does this story +have to do with your leg?" "Well, this morning," the farmhand explained, "when +it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical220.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical220.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1106196 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical220.txt @@ -0,0 +1,74 @@ + +The Joy Of Obesity +by Dr. John Cocker + +reprinted and edited without permission from +_PUNCH_ The Journal of Medical Humour Digest for Canadian Doctors +Jul,Aug 1993 + + Obesity has been getting a lot of bad press recently. Research conducted +entirely by thin people, has uncovered justification for their own masochistic +obsessive-compulsive, fun-killing anal retentative lifestyles. + One of the great problems with research, of course, is that the researchers +tend to find what they're looking for. And when they find it, they stop looking +for other things. It's important, therefore, not to believe research by +pressure groups that start with preconceived ideas. + Examples of findings not to believe: research on the benefits of exercise by +phys. Ed. Department, on the hazards of cholesterol by an anorexic and on the +joy of obesity by an overweight G. P. The whole obesity phobia was started by +some statistics from a life insurance company purporting to show that people who +were overweight didn't live as long as people who were underweight. These were +very raw figures and led to some unwarranted conclusions. + First, it was assumed that if the overweight group lost weight they'd live +longer. This was totally unproved. It never will be proved, as there are just +not enough people to study who've lost weight permanently. [95% of those who +lose weight gain it back again within 5 years -ed] [and the yo-yo effect of +losing then gaining many pounds repeatedly causes a greater health risk than +staying overweight. -ed] + Second, it did not address the possibility that the obese group might have +another factor affecting lifespan. It seems this is very likely, since the +Framington Study showed that if diabetics and those with heart disease were +removed from the obese group, the obese group lived longer. + +Let's list some benefits of obesity: + + Overeating Is Fun. Make a list of all the pleasures that are in this life +and you'll find the list isn't very long. The one pleasure that's life-long and +never pales is eating. + + Carrying Fat Is Good Exercise. If you believe in exercise (I don't), surely +carrying around 20 or 30 pounds of fat all day should be good for you. + + Obese People Are Nicer People. This is not just a hasty remark, but the +result of careful clinical observation. I've seen an average of 20 patients a +day for 30 years. I can tell you that these people are more jolly, more kind, +more forgiving and just generally nicer. Although it could be the other way +round, losing weight and keeping it off, is so rare that only +obsessive-compulsives are able to do it. This may be admirable, but +obsessive-compulsives aren't relaxing people to be with. [I agree. Really thin +and athletic people are that way usually from a driving goal-oriented +personality. In short, they are assholes. -ed.] + + Obese People Represent Superior Adaptation. In days gone by, there were many +advantages to being able to convert excess food into fat. The long winters were +better survived by those with a reserve of calories. + + Climatic Adaptation. Obese people can survive cold better. In particular, +their cold-water survival ability has been demonstrated many times. + + Obese People Make Better Lovers. This is a fact known to romantics the world +over. Bony lovers can never compete with what G. K. Chesterston referred to +as the "promise of pneumatic bliss." + + Anorexia, a terrible condition, is rare among obese people. + + Those who consider the highly trained athlete to be the ideal human might +want to consider the greatest duration runner of the animal kingdom, the +pronghorn antelope of Wyoming. It can run 95km/h for an hour. It has +tremendous lungs, an amazing cardiac output and a maximum oxygen uptake that +might deplete the Earth's resources. So why didn't this marvel of nature become +a widespread species ? Since these antelopes have no body fat, and can stand +neither cold nor lack or food, few survive the Wyoming winter. + +Think about it. [] + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical221.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical221.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..71180fd --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical221.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several +of us died of tuberculosis. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical24.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical24.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..32a8040 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical24.txt @@ -0,0 +1,23 @@ + +One night in the pub, the publican is lamenting the fact that business is so +quiet on Mondays, Tuesdays and Wednesdays. As he moans to some of the regulars +a stranger, dressed in a tweed jacket and wearing glasses wanders over and says, +"I'm sorry, but I couldn't help overhearing your conversation. I'm a doctor at +the lunatic asylum up the road and I'm trying to integrate some of the more sane +individuals into the community. Why don't I bring some of my patients along, +say next Tuesday. You'll have some customers and my patients will have a night +out." Well, the publican isn't sure but the thought of more paying customers on +a quiet night appeals, so he agrees. So, the following Tuesday the guy in the +tweed jacket and glasses shows up with about ten lunatics. He says to the +publican, "Give them whatever they want, put it on a tab and I'll settle up at +closing time." The publican has a great time selling loads of drinks and +encouraging the loonies to eat crisps and peanuts. The loonies have a great +time, getting drunk but they behave themselves. At closing time the publican +adds up the bill and it comes to just over a hundred pounds! The guy with the +glasses and the tweed jacket starts to organize the loonies ready to take them +back to the asylum. Finally he comes over and asks for the bill. The publican, +feeling that he's charged them rather a lot and feeling he should do his bit to +help these poor unfortunate people gives him a discount. "Its eighty quid," he +says. The guy in the tweed jacket smiles and says, "That's fine. Have you got +change for a dustbin lid?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical25.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical25.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..46d0493 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical25.txt @@ -0,0 +1,19 @@ + +A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What +should I do?" "I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, +do you smoke?" "Oh.. Half a pack a day." "Starting NOW, no more smoking." The +man agrees. The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?" "Oh, well Doc, not much, just +a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while." "Starting +now, you drink only water. No exceptions." The man is a bit upset, but also +agrees. The doctor asks, "How do you eat?" "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal +stuff." "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet: you are going to eat +only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese." The man is +now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?" "Do you want to live +long?" "Yes." "Absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the +diet. "The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?" +"Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly. "As soon as +you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. +None." The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this +way?" "I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like +an eternity!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical26.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical26.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d2e38ac --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical26.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +A guy goes to his doctor and is told that he has 6 months to live. +"6 months!!" he exclaimed. "What am I supposed to do in only 6 months?" +His doctor told him, "Marry a JAP and move to Montana." +"Why?" the guy asked. +"Because 6 months will seem like an eternity!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical27.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical27.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7d6b2e8 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical27.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ + +An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she +was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills." Taken +aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, +but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control +pills?" The woman responded, "They help me sleep better." The doctor thought +some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to +sleep?" The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I +sleep better at night." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical28.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical28.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..befe8a5 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical28.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13 @@ + + A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center. + Man: "What are you doing here today?" + Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for +it." + Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they +pay me $25." + The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before +going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet +again in the donation center. + Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?" + Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical29.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical29.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c1cdd5e --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical29.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ + +A veterinarian was feeling ill and went to see her doctor. The doctor asked her +all the usual questions, about symptoms, how long had they been occurring, etc., +when she interrupted him: "Hey look, I'm a vet - I don't need to ask my patients +these kind of questions: I can tell what's wrong just by looking. Why can't +you?" The doctor nodded, looked her up and down, wrote out a prescription, and +handed it to her and said, "There you are. Of course, if *that* doesn't work, +we'll have to have you put down." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical30.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical30.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c74c1ea --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical30.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + + While doing a vasectomy, the doctor slipped and cut off one of the man's +balls. To avoid a huge malpractice suit, he decides to replace the missing ball +with an onion. Several weeks later, the patient returned for a checkup. + "How's your sex life?" the doctor asked. + "Pretty good," the man said, to the doctor's relief. But then he added, +"I've had some strange side effects." + "What's that?" the doctor asked anxiously. + "Well, every time I piss, my eyes water. When my wife gives me a blow job, +she gets heartburn. And every time I pass a hamburger stand, I get a hard-on." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical31.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical31.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..84c3ba4 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical31.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ + +A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first +pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, +I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?" The doctor +answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and +besides, it's difficult to describe pain." "I know, but can't you give me some +idea?," she asks. "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..." "Like +this?" "A little more..." "Like this?" "No. A little more..." "Like this?" +"Yes. Does that hurt?" "A little bit." "Now stretch it over your head!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical32.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical32.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e23c7bb --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical32.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery. As she +lays there, a man in a white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and then leaves. +This happens a second time. The third time this happens, she says "Doctor, am I +going into surgery soon?" The man replies, "Don't ask me lady. I'm just a +painter!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical34.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical34.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..60190fe --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical34.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +Heard on Leno's monologue: +The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that +1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical35.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical35.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..80d01b3 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical35.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ + +An 80 year woman married an 85 year old man. After about six months together, +the woman wasn't feeling well and she went to her doctor. The doctor examined +and said, "Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you're going to be a mother." "Get +serious Doctor, I'm 80." "I know," said the Doctor, "This morning I would have +said it was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle." "I'll be +damned," she replied and stormed out of the office. She walked down the hall +and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a rage, she dialed her +husband. "Hello" she heard in his familiar halting voice. She screamed, "You +rotten son of a bitch. You got me pregnant!" There was a pause on the line. +Finally her husband answered "Who's calling please?." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical36.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical36.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..8b88abb --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical36.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ + + This guy goes to the doctor for a vasectomy. Unlike the usual patients, he +shows up in a limo, and he's sitting in the doctor's office in a rented tuxedo +with black tie. + The doctor says "I've done a lot of these, but I've never seen a limo and +tuxedo before. What's the story?" + To which the fellow responds "If I'm gonna BE im-potent, I'm gonna LOOK +im-potent!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical37.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical37.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..02f63c1 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical37.txt @@ -0,0 +1,18 @@ + + There was a country doctor who was the only doctor for miles around. He +wanted to go on a fishing trip so he called the vet and asked him to look after +things while he was gone. + The vet asked, "Is anything happening?" + The doctor replied, "Mrs. Jones is about due, but I don't think the baby +will come before I get back. Anyway, if it does, just deliver it. This is her +third and the first two went really easily." + The vet said "OK" and the doctor went on the fishing trip. + When he returned, he called the vet. "How did things go while I was gone?" + "Pretty good." + "Did Mrs. Jones have her baby?" + "Yes, it was a 8 pound boy. Everyone's doing fine." + "Did you have any trouble?" + "Well, there was just one little problem." + "What was that?" + "I had a terrible time getting her to eat the afterbirth!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical38.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical38.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..2eb1047 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical38.txt @@ -0,0 +1,24 @@ + + One day, John's tennis elbow was acting up and he decided to stop in and see +a doctor. When he got to the doctor's office the nurse told him he could see +the doctor in 15 minutes but, first he'd have to give a urine sample. John said +that this was absurd but, the nurse insisted and John complied. 15 minutes +later, John was ushered in to see the doctor. + "So that tennis elbow is really acting up, huh?" the doctor said. + "The nurse must have told you," said John, wondering how the Doctor knew. + "No. It was in your urinalysis." and the doctor continued to say that he had +just purchased this new machine that could diagnose every physical condition +with total accuracy based on the urine contents. John didn't believe a word of +this but he did agree to provide another urine sample on check-up visit. + Two days later, John was sitting at the kitchen table with his wife and his +teenage daughter. He was telling them about this ridiculous machine. When John +decided to have a little fun with the doctor. John pissed in the bottle as did +his wife and teenage daughter. Then while walking to his garage he had a +brainstorm. John put a few drops of oil from his crankcase in the jar and +finally beat off and put a few drops of semen in the jar. He drove to the +doctors office, shook the bottle, then handed it to the nurse. This time his +urinalysis took half an hour. Finally, John was ushered in to see the doctor. + The doctor looked at him and said, "I've got some bad news, smartass. Your +daughter is pregnant, your wife's got V. D., your car is about to throw a rod, +and if you don't stop beating off, that tennis elbow is never gonna heal!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical39.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical39.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..912f689 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical39.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +The resident began his examination of an elderly man by asking him what brought +him to the hospital. The man replied, "An ambulance." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical4.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical4.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..02255df --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical4.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's worse than having your doctor tell you that you have VD? +Having your dentist tell you. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical40.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical40.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c912ecb --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical40.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +It is said that the limbic system of the brain controls the four Fs: Feeding, +Fighting, Fleeing, and Reproduction. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical41.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical41.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c22b279 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical41.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ + +In the office of a Roman doctor: Specialist in women and other diseases. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical42.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical42.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b0e8f59 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical42.txt @@ -0,0 +1,15 @@ + +In "Pissing in the Snow: Ozark Mountain Folktales", Vance Randolph tells of a +wizened old country doctor who could treat anything. Well it seems one time, +one of the mountain folk came into his office with three complaints. "Doc," he +said, "I can't taste nothin', I can't tell the truth, and I can't remember +nothin' besides." Well the old Doc thought about this for a minute and went +back into the apothecary, and made of two capsules full with cow hooey, and gave +them both to the man, and telling him to take one immediately, chewing well. +Well, the man did as he was told, bit down and started chawing, then yelled out, +"Yeachhhh... This stuff tastes like shee-it." "Uh huh," the doctor said, "Well +I see that you can taste, and you're certainly telling the truth now. And the +next time that you're memory is acting up, just take the other pill." And the +old Doc charged the man fifteen bucks and sent him on his way, and never did +hear no trouble from him much after that. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical44.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical44.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..90835e0 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical44.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + +Everywhere this lady went, nobody wanted to talk to her, no one ever asked her +to go out. Guys came up to her and turned away. She wondered why this would +happen. So she went to her doctor and told him what was going on. She thought +that maybe there was a problem with her. The doctor told her he would give her +a complete exam. He told her to undress and get up on the table, so she did. +He told her to open her mouth and he checked it. Then he asked her to get down +from the table and bend over. He then said to the lady, "Know what your problem +is, you have zactly." The lady then asked, "What is zactly?" The doctor said, +"Lady your mouth smells zactly like your ass." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical45.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical45.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9d7ba6f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical45.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ + +After much soul searching and having determined the husband was infertile, the +childless couple decided to try artificial insemination. When the woman showed +up at the clinic, she was told to undress from the waist down, get on the table +and place her feet in the stirrups. She was feeling rather awkward about the +entire procedure when the doctor came in. Her anxiety was not diminished by the +sight of him pulling down his pants! "Wait a minute! What the hell is going on +here?" yelped the woman, pulling herself into a sitting position. "Don't you +want to get pregnant?" asked the doctor. "Well, yes, I do," answered the woman. +"Then lie back and spread 'em," replied the doctor. "We're all out of the +bottled stuff. You'll just have to settle for what's on tap." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical46.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical46.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..ed39872 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical46.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ + +This German guy wanted to marry this Polish lady, but Poland had a law that you +have to be Polish in order to marry someone that is Polish, so, in other words, +he'd have to have 50% of his brain removed. So he goes to his doctor and says, +"I've just GOT to marry this woman, I love her so much..." So the doctor says, +"Well, it's risky, but okay." So into the operating room they go for the brain +removal procedure. Later, when the German guy wakes up, the doctor comes in and +says, "We are VERRRRYYYY sorry, but we accidentally removed 75% of your brain +instead of 50%." The guy looks up and says, "Mama Mia!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical47.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical47.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5ed988c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical47.txt @@ -0,0 +1,17 @@ + + First man: There's a guy who lives up the street from me who used to work in +construction. One day last year his hand got run over by a bulldozer. Whatever +those doctors did, it's really amazing - today he's a concert pianist. + Second man: That's nothing. I knew a guy in college - laziest bum I ever +knew. He was really fat and out of shape. He was trying to hitch a ride one +day and got hit by a truck. Broke nearly every damn bone in his body. Somehow +they put him back together better than he was before. Now he's a triathlete and +he's planning to try out for the olympics. + Third man: Yeah, well I knew this poor retarded kid. He couldn't do a whole +lot, but someone at the dynamite factory got charitable and gave him a job as a +stockboy. Anyways, he's working in the warehouse one day and gets locked in. +It's dark and he can't find the door. Not being too bright, he lit a match to +try and find his way. The whole place exploded. All they could find of him was +a few fingers and his eyebrows. From that little bit they were able to put him +back together and today that kid is the governor of Massachusetts. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical48.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical48.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9c9c20c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical48.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +A man goes to see his doctor. He pokes himself in the arm, leg, and torso, +complaining that it hurts when he does this. The doctor asked him if he was +Polish. The man replied that he was. To which the doctor replied that the +finger was broken. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical49.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical49.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..160a9da --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical49.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ + +This guy decides to get a sex change. So he goes to the doctors and has the +thing done. A couple of weeks later he was talking to one of his old buddies +about it. "Gee, it must have really hurt when they shot all that silicon into +your chest to make your breasts." "Not really, I hardly felt it." "Well, it +must have really hurt when they chopped off your manhood!" "Nope, I didn't +really feel it either. The only thing that really hurt was when they drilled a +hole in my skull and sucked out half my brain." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical5.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical5.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..767733a --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical5.txt @@ -0,0 +1,24 @@ + + One day a man walked into the dentist"s office for some dental work. + The dentist said "Sir, you have a tooth I must pull, What type of pain killer +would you like?" + The man looked at the dentist and said "None, thanks, I have experienced the +second greatest pain in my life." + The dentist said "Sir, pulling this tooth Will be painful, I suggest a +painkiller" + The man looked back at the dentist and said "I have experienced the second +greatest pain in my life, Nothing else will ever compare." + The dentist said "Sir, I"m telling you, use a painkiller." + The man again said to the dentist "I have experienced the second greatest +pain in my life, I do not need painkillers, now pull the tooth." + The dentist then said "OK, You asked for it, But first, tell me what was the +second greatest pain in your life?" + The man said "Yes, I remember it well. I was hunting in some woods north of +here one snowy day. Walking through the woods, the urge came upon me and I +headed over to a tree. Well, I started to do my thing, and when the first part +dropped, It set off a large bear trap that was hidden in the snow that closed on +my balls. That was the second greatest pain in my life" + The dentist then said "Ouch!, But then what was the first greatest pain in +your life?" + The man replied, "When I reached the end of the chain." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical50.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical50.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..039cd47 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical50.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + + A woman goes to the hospital to visit a girlfriend who is about to have a +heart transplant. She's worried about the friend so she asks the doctor... + Girlfriend: I'm worried about my friend doc, what if her body rejects the +organ? + Doctor: Well, she's 36 years old and healthy. How long has she been in +business? + Girlfriend: She's been working since she was 19 years old but what does that +have to do with anything? + Doctor: Well, she's been working 17 years and hasn't rejected an organ yet! + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical51.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical51.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..cc7e8bd --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical51.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + +This guy goes into a doctors and says "Doctor, doctor you've gotta help me. I +just can't stop having sex!" "Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks. +"Well, twice a day I have sex with my wife, TWICE a day", he answers back. +"That's not so much", says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a day I +have sex with my secretary, TWICE a day," replies the man. "Well that is +probably a bit excessive," says the doctor. "Yes, but thats not all. Twice a +day I have sex with a prostitute, TWICE a day," says the man. "Well, that's +definitely to much", says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in +hand." "I do", says the man. "Twice a day." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical52.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical52.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1cf5cc3 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical52.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching +through the flower beds. "Excuse me," he said, "have you lost something?" +"No," replied one of the doctors. "We're doing a heart transplant for an +income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical54.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical54.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..96fba71 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical54.txt @@ -0,0 +1,18 @@ + +There was a businessman, and he was feeling really crook, and he went to see the +Doctor about it. The doctor says to him "Well, it must be your diet, what sort +of greens do you eat?" and the man replies "Well, actually, I only eat peas, I +hate all other green foods." The doctor was quite shocked at this and says +"Well man, that's your problem, all those peas will be clogging up your system, +you'll have to give them up!!." The guy says "But how long for, I mean I really +like peas!" and the doctor replies "Forever, I'm afraid." The man is quite +shocked by this, but he gives it a go and sure enough, his condition improves, +so he realizes that he will never eat a pea again. Anyway, one night, years +later, he's at a convention for his employer and getting quite sloshed and one +of the reps says "Well, ashully, I'd love a cigarette, coz I avint ad a smoke in +four years, I gave it up." Quite a shocker really, and the barman goes, +"Really, I haven't had a game of golf in 3 years, because it cost me my first +marriage, so I gave it up!" and the businessman says "Thas nuvving, I haven't ad +a pea in 6 years" and the barman jumps up screaming "OK, everyone who can't +swim, grab a table...." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical55.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical55.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..650f265 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical55.txt @@ -0,0 +1,42 @@ + +A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS + +1. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT. +Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose valuable +scientific objectivity. + +2. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES. +Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and +reassurance he can get. + +3. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED. +Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold. + +4. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF. +You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into the true +nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent disability you may +have experienced. + +5. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT. +It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be explained in +terms that you would understand. + +6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY. +Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting research paper +will surely be of widespread interest. + +7. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY. +You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, to the +well-being of physicians and other humanitarians. + +8. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD. +It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means. + +9. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE + OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR. +The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty +to protect him from exposure. + +10. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE. +This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical56.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical56.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..01d1597 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical56.txt @@ -0,0 +1,18 @@ + + Johnny and Jim are walking through the desert. Suddenly, a snake bites Jim's +prick! "AAIIIIIII!!" He panics, and John panics. "What can we do?" "We should +call for a doctor." WHAMMM! Suddenly, in the middle of the desert, there's a +telephone box. Johnny goes in, calls a doctor. RING, RING. RING, RING. + J: My friend is bitten by a snake. What to do? + D: What kind of snake? + J: A one meter, green-yellow one. + D: Aye, aye. + J: ? + D: Those are very dangerous. + J: What can we do? + D: The only thing you can do, is to suck the poison out. Otherwise, your +friend will be dead within half an hour. + Johnny hangs up, goes out off the telephone box. Jim, pale looking already, +asks what the doctor said. + Johnny: You'll be dead within half an hour. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical57.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical57.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..66afd90 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical57.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13 @@ + + A young mother had just given birth to a newborn baby and the nurse was +congratulating her when the doctor came in bouncing the baby from hand to hand +like a basketball. + "Here's your baby, maam" says the doctor. + The doctor then throws the baby on the floor, hurls it up against the wall, +picks it up and twirls it around several times, and then drop kicks it straight +out of the 10th floor window. + Totally bewildered, the woman gives out a loud shriek and hollers "My God!!! +What have you done to my baby?!?!!!" + The doctor chuckles a little to himself and says "April Fools!!! He was +already dead!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical58.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical58.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f212bd8 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical58.txt @@ -0,0 +1,14 @@ + + The crofter's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor +was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the father-to-be busy, the +doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see +what I'm doing." + Soon, a lusty baby boy was brought into the world. + "Och!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern by...I think +there's yet another wee bairn to come." + Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass. + "Na, dinna be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It +seems there's yet another one besides!", cried the doctor. + The crofter scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Well, +now, mon. Do ye suppose the light's attracting them?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical59.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical59.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..8b1c7b9 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical59.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + +A blond guy visits the hospital. "I want to be castrated!" he demands +cheerfully. "Are you sure about this?" the doctor asks. "Have you discussed it +with your wife?" "Yes, yes! I've thought about this for a long time. Let's +get it over with!" So, the operation is performed. Since it's relatively +simple, the blond guy only has to stay in the hospital for two days. On his way +home, he meets a friend. "Well, hello! I haven't seen you for a couple of +days," his friend says. "No, I've been to the hospital," replies the blond. +"Well, that's funny. I'm on my way there right now!" "Really? So, what's up?" +"I'm going to be vaccinated." "Oh, shit!! That's what it's called!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical6.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical6.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7b84f3f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical6.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Why did the guru refuse Novacaine when he went to his dentist? +He wanted to transcend dental medication. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical60.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical60.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..4548441 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical60.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ + + How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? + That depends on whether it has health insurance. + Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation +specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare. + None. They just tell it to take two aspirin and come round to the surgery +later. + None. They only sign the death certificate and phone the mortuary. + None. They would diagnose depression and prescribe benzo diazapines. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical61.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical61.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..ee1a0cc --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical61.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +How many undertakers does it take to change a light bulb? +None. They just paint them black and go on using them. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical62.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical62.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..24e3552 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical62.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +How is an undertaker like a bottle of Robitussin? +They both take away the coffin. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical64.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical64.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..3a9f89b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical64.txt @@ -0,0 +1,27 @@ + + This fellow had been suffering from excruciating headaches for some time, and +finally went to a doctor. After a thorough exam, the physician called the +fellow into his office and said, "Well, I'm not exactly sure what is causing +your headaches, but we've found a cure for them: you'll have to be castrated." + The man, needless to say, was taken aback, and told his doctor that he +believed he would try to bear the pain. But as time went on, the headaches only +got worse, and finally, the poor fellow was driven back to the doctor. + "All right, I guess I'll have the operation," he said. + When it was all over, the man was understandably depressed, and his physician +told him, "I recommend you begin life anew. Start over from this point." + So the man decided to take the advice and went to a men's shop for a new set +of clothes. The proprietor said, "Starting with the suit, looks like you take +about a 38-regular." + "That's right", exclaimed the man, "How'd you know?" + "Well, when you've been in the business as long as I have, you get pretty +good at sizing a man up", replied the salesman. "Now, for a shirt, looks like +about a 15 long." + "Right again," the man said. + The proprietor suggested, "And for undershorts, I'd say a size 36." + "There's your first mistake", the man said, "I've worn 34's for years." + "No, you're a size 36 if I've ever seen one", said the owner. + The man replied, "I ought to know what size undershorts I wear, and I'll take +34." + The owner replied, "Well all right, if you insist, but they're going to pinch +your balls and give you headaches!!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical65.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical65.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..160bd1f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical65.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ + +A really handsome man had a high squeaky voice. He was surrounded by girls +except they ran off at the sound of his voice. So he went to the doctor. The +doctor said he could fix the problem by cutting off the man's penis. The man +agreed to the surgery, and sure enough his voice went to normal and he was +surrounded by women. Later he decided to get a whole new wardrobe. The tailor +took a look at him and rattled of figures ending up with underwear size 36. The +man said no I wear size 30. The tailor said, "I've been doing this for years +trust me. If you wore size thirty you voice would be high and squeaky." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical66.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical66.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..ae66891 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical66.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ + +A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed +testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of +the side effects she was experiencing. "Doctor, the hormones you've been giving +me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've +started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before." The doctor +reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of +testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" "On my balls." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical67.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical67.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..95acd4c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical67.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ + +A woman was going to marry one of those guys that want a virgin. Since she was +not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen. The doctor told her that +will cost around $500, but there is an another way that will cost only $50. The +woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor worked on her +for several minutes. After the "first night" the woman came back to the doctor +and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was there. +And she asked him how he did it. "I tied your pubic hair," he answered. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical68.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical68.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b51bf12 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical68.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + + Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep +losing my temper with people. + Doctor: Tell me about your problem. + Patient: I JUST DID, DIDN'T I, YOU STUPID BASTARD!!! + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical69.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical69.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5880222 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical69.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ + + Woman: Doctor, my husband tells me my pussy's too big. So I'd like you to +tell me if you find it unusual. + Doctor: Please, take off your clothes and I'll have you examined. + Doctor(shouting): What a giant pussy!! What a giant pussy!! + Woman(angry): Did you have to say it twice?!? + Doctor: I didn't. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical7.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical7.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a2a1e24 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical7.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: Dentists are incapable of asking questions that +require a simple yes or no answer. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical70.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical70.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..aa89824 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical70.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ + + Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One +lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was +standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just +come up or was about to go down." + The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on +the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had +just woken up!" + The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always +been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, +she asks, "Who's there?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical71.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical71.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d1dcf35 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical71.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + +A woman goes to the doctors, and says, "Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. +I'll have to take my clothes off to show you." The doctor tells her to go +behind the screen and disrobe. She does so, and the doctor goes round to see +her when she is ready. "Well, what is it?" he asks. "It's a bit embarrassing," +she replies, "These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs." +The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is. +Then he suddenly asks, "Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?" +The woman blushes and says, "Well, actually I have." "That's the problem," the +doctor says, "Tell him his ear-rings aren't made of gold!!!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical72.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical72.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a63f52a --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical72.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ + +This young couple had only been married for about two weeks when the wife +complains of a burning sensation in her chest. She tells her husband who +suggests that she goes to the doctor to be examined. She arranges an +appointment and goes the following day. The husband, while at work receives a +call from the doctor. Doctor: "I am sorry to say your wife has acute angina..." +Husband: "Yeah, I know, she's also got a nice pair of tits too!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical74.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical74.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0a15ff3 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical74.txt @@ -0,0 +1,23 @@ + +A man went to a doctor. Some say he went there to have an operation to become +Polish; others say he wanted to become an Aggie; there's yet another faction who +claims that he wanted to work at the post office; still others say he wanted to +make his hair permanently blond. Regardless, the doctor asked him why, and he +said it was something he always wanted to do, how he wanted to be able to relate +to his friends, all of whom I suppose were blond Polish graduates of Texas A&M +who had found jobs at the local P. O. Anyway, the doctor asked him his IQ, and +when he gave a three-digit reply, the doctor told him that the procedure would +have to involve the removal of over half of his brain. The man insisted, and +since the doctor just happened to have a brand new laser device which could zap +just the right portions of brain tissue (a product of Scar Wars technology, I +suppose), the operation was planned. The laser was hooked up to a computer +which could monitor the man's declining IQ on a nice LED display. The doctor +threw the switch and the numbers began ticking off. 95, 94, 93... Suddenly the +phone rang. It was the doctor's wife. They gabbed for minutes on end, the +doctor forgetting completely about his patient. When he hung up, he suddenly +realized, and ran into the operating room, only to see the meter tick down: 6, +5, 4... He ran to the machine and threw the on/off switch, just as the laser +was about to wipe out the last remnant of brain. "Jesus, Matty and Felipe!" +exclaimed the doctor, "What have I done? Speak to me! Say anything!!" The man +looked at him and said, "Hi, you're watching MTV, and we just heard..." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical75.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical75.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..54b39fd --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical75.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +Man goes to doctor. Says he's depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. +Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague +and uncertain. Doctor says the treatment is simple. The great clown Pagliacci +is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up. The man bursts +into tears. "But doctor... I am Pagliacci." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical76.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical76.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7c44bd9 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical76.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +"Doc, I don't understand what's going on with me. It's really strange, +sometimes I feel like a teepee." The doctor thinks about it for a while and +then urges the man to continue. So, the man continues, "And sometimes I feel +like a wigwam." To which the doctor says "I wouldn't worry about it, Fred, +you're just two tents." (Too tense, get it? :-) ) + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical77.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical77.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..212b902 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical77.txt @@ -0,0 +1,24 @@ + + There once was a poor lad named Timmy who had the misfortune of being born +with only a head - no arms, no legs, nothing but a head. Now Timmy was a +basically happy person and he was loved and cared for by his family. As long as +he stayed within the shelter of his family he was unworried by his condition, +but as soon as he was thrust out into the world he knew that something was +seriously wrong. He began to dream about being a whole person with arms and +legs and a body. He thought of nothing else. It became an obsession. + Then one day, Timmy heard of the famous Dr. Helen Von Rigginbottom, a +physician who had been experimenting with cloning and tissue regeneration. +Timmy grew so excited he could hardly contain himself. He had himself rushed to +the doctor and made an appointment. When the doctor met with Timmy all of his +hopes and dreams came true. The doctor assured Timmy that she could help him +and would make him into a whole person, but she warned him that it could be a +dramatic change and he should consider all of the ramifications. She began to +list some of the many problems he might have, but he would not listen. She +consented and game Timmy the injection that would start the process. + Timmy went home and tossed and turned on his pillow all night. Eventually, +he fell asleep. The next morning when he awoke Timmy was surprised to discover +that he was a whole person. He had arms and legs and a body. He was so excited +and grateful that he just had to thank the doctor, so he ran out of the house, +across the street and was hit by a truck and killed. And of course the moral of +our story is: While you're a head, stay ahead. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical78.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical78.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..ab7481c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical78.txt @@ -0,0 +1,59 @@ + + It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the +emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came +over to see him. + "Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when +you accused me of malpractice." + "Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?" + "How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor." + "I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what +you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?" + "Your diagnosis is as good as mine." + "What are you talking about?" + "When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there +was to know about the practice of medicine." + "Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something." + "Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a +gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?" + "I'll sign a paper that I won't sue." + "Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why +were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr. Green: 'I've treated +hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It +never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?' Green: 'No, +there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.' Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make +me sick.' " + "Why are you reading that to me?" + "Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. +A lady cane in the other day limping..." + "Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol." + "You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor. I've +changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore." + "Then get me another doctor." + "There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the +malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only +place that I can practice." + "If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your +case to a higher court." + "You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney +stone." + "You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at +him." + "That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you +addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. +Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room +6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of +pain.' " + "Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of +Demerol?" + "I better check you out first." + "Don't check me out, just give the dope." + "But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the +patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you +mind getting up on the scale?" + "What for?" + "To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the +lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were." + "I'm not going to sue you." + "You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass +the kidney stone?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical79.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical79.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..31ffb9c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical79.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + + Patient to eye-doctor: "I'm very worried about the outcome of this operation, +doctor. What are the chances? " + Eye-doctor to patient: "Don't worry, you won't be able to see the difference." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical8.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical8.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..17d8997 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ + + Dentist begging the patient: "Could you help me? Could you give out a few of +your loudest, most painful screams?" + Patient: "Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time." + Dentist: "There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't +want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game." + + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical80.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical80.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..8efc0b3 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical80.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ + +Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for +work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do +something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him +to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in +the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. +"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, +"But where were you yesterday?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical81.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical81.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..928ab4f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical81.txt @@ -0,0 +1,19 @@ + +A WASP was driving his car at Sonoma County, where is a large mental hospital, +he realizes that one of the tires of his car is flat. He stops his car, looks +outside. There is nobody around. Also he realizes that the road he was riding +was near the mental hospital. In short he realizes that there is no available +cheap labor to change the flat tire. The WASP takes the spare tire out, jacks +up the car, removes the tire, puts the nuts in the hub cap and while trying to +get the spare tire, trips over the hub cap and all the nuts go down a nearby +storm sewer. There he is, a WASP near a mental hospital, away from any cheap +labor, helpless. Suddenly he hears someone yelling "Hey you!", looks and finds +that there is someone inside the mental hospitals' yard (behind the bars). The +patient behind the bars says, "I have been watching you for a while and saw the +terrible thing happened to you, I think I can help." "How?" asks the WASP. +"Easy," says the loonie, "Take one nut from each of the other three wheels and +put it on the fourth wheel, then if you are careful you will make it to the +nearest gas station." "You are very smart" says the WASP to the loonie and +continues, "Why did they locked you in?" "They put me in because I am a +loonie," the guy tells the WASP and continues, "Not because I am stupid." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical82.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical82.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..08911db --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical82.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +Shortly after the 911 emergency number became available, an elderly and quite +ill lady appeared in a Rochester hospital emergency room, having driven herself +to the hospital and barely managing to stagger in from the parking lot. The +horrified nurse said, "Why didn't you call the 911 number and get an ambulance?" +The lady said, "My phone doesn't have an eleven." (This one is true!) + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical84.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical84.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f819f3e --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical84.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Lawyer: Did you say the plaintiff was shot in the woods? +Doctor: No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical85.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical85.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d03ef80 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical85.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ + +This guy goes to his doctor to ask him a question. The doctor says, "What can +I do for you?" "Well doctor, I have a question for you. I masturbate, and I +was wondering how often is too often." "Hmmm," the doctor says, "how often do +you do it?" "Three times a day." the man says. "Yeah, that might be a little +excessive. Have you considered finding yourself a girlfriend?" "I have a +girlfriend, doctor", says the man. "I mean a girlfriend for the bedroom as +well...", the doctor says. The man says "Oh, she is, that's not the problem. +The problem is, she doesn't like to do it during mealtimes." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical86.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical86.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..25b3d27 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical86.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ + +A man is having problems with his dick which certainly had seen better times... +He consults a doctor which, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've +overdone it the last 30 years, your dick is burned out; you won't be able to +make love more than 30 times!" The man walks home (deeply depressed); his wife +is already expecting him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said +concerning his problem. He tells her what the doc told him. She says: "Oh my +god, only 30 times! We should not waste that; we should make a list!" He +replies, "Yes, i already made a list on the way home; sorry your name is not on it!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical87.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical87.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0d97a3e --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical87.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + +A man went to see a doctor because of a very high, squeaky, annoying voice. The +doctor examined him, and told him that the only way would be to replace his +extremely large penis with a smaller one. The guy is desperate and decides to +go through with the operation. It's a great success and the man has a fantastic +baritone. But after some time the guy's sex life deteriorates and he decides to +see the doctor to try get his original equipment back. He says to the doctor, +"Doctor, is there any way that you could get me my organ back, my sex life has +gone to pot." "Not on your life!!" the doctor replies in a high, squeaky, +annoying voice. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical88.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical88.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c84a072 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical88.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + +There was this eighty-year-old man who was seeing the doctor for a checkup. The +doctor asked why he needed the checkup. The man was getting married next month +to a girl 60 years his junior. The doctor tried to talk him out of the +marriage, and it didn't work. However, the doctor suggested, "If you want your +marriage to last, I say you at least take in a boarder." The old man agreed. +The old man didn't see the doctor for a year, when they met at a fund-raiser. +The old man says, "Doc, congratulate me, my wife is pregnant." "That's good +news," said the doctor. "I knew the boarder would help." "Oh," said the old +man with a wicked grin, "and the boarder's pregnant as well." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical89.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical89.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1091a01 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical89.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ + +A fellow goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem that I am +always farting all of the time. Although they don't smell, they do make loud +noises, and it is affecting my social life." The doctor gives him some pills, +and asks him to return next week. He returns, and says, "Those pills did no +good. In fact they made things worse. I still fart as much, but now they smell +terrible." To which the doctor replies, "Good! Now that we have your nose +working again, lets work on your farting" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical9.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical9.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1c3fac4 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical9.txt @@ -0,0 +1,30 @@ + + A woman decides that she's not amply enough endowed in the chest, so she goes +to her plastic surgeon about getting implants. + "What are my options?" she asks the doctor. + "Well," the doctor responded, "The very best, most realistic implants are +made of silicone." + "Okay. What's the price tag on those?" + "$25,000." + The woman sighed. "I don't have $25,000 to spare. Are there any other +options?" + "The next best type of implants are rubber. They're less realistic, but the +process is quite a bit cheaper, about $10,000." + The woman shook her head. "I'm afraid I just can't afford that. Sorry I +wasted your time." + "Wait," said the doctor. "There is one more option, but it's in the +experimental stages. If you're willing to try it out, it will be free." + "Okay," said the woman cautiously. "What kind of implants are these?" + "Balloons," replied the doctor. "It requires a less invasive procedure, but +they must be reinflated periodically." + The woman decided to go for the operation. It was successful, and when it +was all finished the doctor showed her how to inflate them, like this: {Put +fingers on chest just above bosom. Move your elbows up and down like a chicken +flapping its wings.} So, once she fully recovered, the woman went to a singles +bar. She spied a likely-looking prospect on the other side of the bar. She +walked over, making sure that her breasts were inflated {repeat chicken-wing +motion}. + "Pardon me," she said to the man, "but haven't I seen you here before?" + {say the following line while scissoring legs open and closed} "No, but we +have the same doctor!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical90.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical90.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9738d99 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical90.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +I recently went to see my doctor. I said "Doctor, it's me dick!" I flopped it +onto the desk, and the doctor asked "so what's the problem?" An' I said "Nuthin. +It's a beauty, ain't it!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical91.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical91.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..467ce94 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical91.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +Jokes about Kenneth Clarke, when U. K. Secretary of State for Health: +What do you call a man who ignores doctors' advice? The health secretary. +Kenneth Clarke dies this morning. Doctors said his condition was 'satisfactory'. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical92.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical92.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..ee1cb33 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical92.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, +unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed +the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I +don't even make that much as a doctor!." The plumber waited for him to finish +and quietly said "Neither did I when I was a doctor." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical94.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical94.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1b906e7 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical94.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +There was this city doctor who started a practice in the countryside. He once +had to go to a farm to attend to a sick farmer who lived there. After a few +housecalls he stopped coming to the farm. The puzzled farmer finally phoned him +to ask whats the matter, didn't he like him or somethin'. The doctor said, "No, +its your ducks at the entrance... Every time I enter the farm, they insult me!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical95.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical95.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0cdd0a9 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical95.txt @@ -0,0 +1,17 @@ + +Syadov walks into the Moscow health clinic and asks to see an ear-and-eye +doctor. The nurse explains to him that there isn't a specialist in those two +areas at the clinic, but tells him that they have an eye-doctor AND an ear, +nose, and throat man. She further goes on to suggest, after seeing his rather +vacant stare, that he see the ENT specialist, and, if that doesn't work, why +then he can go to the ophthalmologist. So a month later (Remember, the clinic +is run by the Soviet bureaucracy) he is shown to the doc's office. The following +dialogue ensues. Doctor: So, tell me, Comrade Syadov. What seems to be the +trouble? Syadov: DOC! DOC! Ya GOTTA help me! I'm going crazy! Doctor: Just +calm down, and tell me your symptoms. Syadov: Well, I.. OK. I... I'll try. +It's like my ears and my eyeballs aren't connected to the same man. I can't see +what I hear, and I can't hear what I see! At this, the doctor sighs, shakes his +head, closes his notebook, and prepares for his next patient. When Syadov asks +what he's doing, he explains: "Really, I'm very sorry, Comrade. But there's no +known cure for Communism." + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical96.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical96.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..763eda9 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical96.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ + +This old man takes his wife to the doctor. After the examination, the doctor +takes the man aside and says: "I've got some bad news for you. Your wife either +has AIDS or Alzheimer's Disease, but I can't tell which." "That's terrible," +says the man, "what should we do?" "Well," replies the doctor, "I'll give you a +thirty minute head start before I send her home. And if she makes it, don't +fuck her!!!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical97.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical97.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0d30fcb --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical97.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? +By the taste. + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical98.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical98.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1bbe8bb --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical98.txt @@ -0,0 +1,15 @@ + + One day, a guy comes into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want it to +grow." + So the doc says, "Here, take three of these a day," and gives the guy a +bottle of pills. + An hour later, another guy comes in and he wants it to grow too. The doc +says, "Take 3 of these a day." + "No, I'll take 6!" and the guy leaves. + Then a cowboy comes in: He wants the same. He's told to take 3 but says, +"Nah, I'll take 24!" and leaves. + The next day all three guys come into the office. + 1st: "Doc, Doc, it's down to my ankles!" + 2nd: "Doc, Doc, it's draggin' an inch behind me!" + Cowboy: "Yeeee-Haaah!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/medical/medical99.txt b/ai/learn/medical/medical99.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..02f74a6 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/medical/medical99.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +A Jewish boy was walking with his girlfriend on the grounds of his father's +house. His father was a successful doctor, and was carrying out a circumcision +in the on-site surgery. As they were walking, they heard a scream and a +foreskin flew out of the window and landed at the girl's feet. "What's this," +she asked. "Taste it," he replied, "If you like it, I'll give you a whole one!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/Music.Humor.txt.ges b/ai/learn/music/Music.Humor.txt.ges new file mode 100755 index 0000000..430b6ed --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/Music.Humor.txt.ges @@ -0,0 +1,975 @@ +Why do bagpipers walk when they play? +To get away from the noise. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How many banjo players does it take to change a lightbulb? +Only 1, but all the others gathered 'round will complain that that's not the way + EARL (Scruggs) would have done it. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How can you tell the stage you're playing on is level? +The banjo player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the difference between a banjo and an anchor? +You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Why is the banjo player a fiddle player's best friend? +Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What is another name for a bassoon? +A farting bedpost. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the bassoon recital. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? +He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which one. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? +Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first. + or +Six. One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging + the light. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + This guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the +plane, he hears drums. He thinks "Wow, this is cool." He goes to the beach, he +hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to a luau, he hears +drums. He TRIES to go to sleep, he hears drums. + This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can't +sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk. + When he gets there, he asks the manager "Hey! What's with these drums. Don't +they ever stop? I can't get any sleep." + The manager says, "No! Drums must NEVER stop. Very bad if drums stop." + "Why?" + "When drums stop...bass solo begins." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car? +It took him 4 hours to get the bass player out. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? +None, the piano player can do that with his left hand. + + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the difference between a cello and a coffin? +The coffin has the corpse on the inside. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? +So you don't have to retrain the cellists. + + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard? +So they can park in the handicap zones. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the definition of a nerd? +Somone who owns their own alto clarinet. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion? +Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What do you call a bass-clarinetist with half a brain? +Gifted. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How can you tell when there is a drummer at your front door? +The knocking gets faster. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How do you know if there is a percussionist at the door? +The knocking gets slower. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How do you know when a drum solo's really bad? +The bass player notices. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses? +So they don't disgrace themselves at the parade. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? +A drummer. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? +Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be + pushed in. + or +One, but only after asking "Why?" ("Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?") + or +Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they + figure out that you have to turn the bulb). + or +Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins. + or +None. They have a machine that does that now. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Hey, buddy, how late does the band play? +Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + There's a five pound note on the floor. Which of a thrash guitarist, a +drummer who keeps good time, and a drummer who keeps bad time picks it up? + The drummer who keeps bad time. The other drummer doesn't exist and the +thrash guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Guy walks into a shop. "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 +amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose +tremolo?" + "You're a drummer, aren't you?" + "Duh, yeah. How'd you know?" + "This is a travel agent." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Bob is throwing a party. Bob decides that to break the ice at his party, he'll +ask everyone what their IQ is, and then strike up an appropriate conversation +from there. The day of Bob's party rolls around and when the first guest knocks +on the door, Bob asks the person what their IQ is. "200,000" replies the first +guest. "Well, that's great", says Bob, lets talk about ethereal astro physics. +Bob and this first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while. +Later in the party someone else is at the door. Hi my name is Bob; welcome to +my party, what's your IQ? The new guest responds with "250". Great says Bob, +lets talk about advanced math. Bob and his new guest talk about calculus and +statistics for a while. Much later in the party after many more guests had been +arrived and spoken to by Bob, yet another guest arrives at the door. "Hi, my +name's Bob; welcome to my party, what's your IQ?" This time the guest replies +after putting some thought into it: 5. Well that's great, says Bob, what kind +of drumsticks do you use? + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test? +Drool. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the difference between playing an English horn solo and wetting your + pants? +Both give you a warm feeling, but no one else cares. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the definition of a minor second? +Two flutes playing a unison + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + +Why did the French horn player never get second dates? +Every time he went to kiss the girl on the first date, he stuck his hand up her + ass. + + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How do you get a guitar player to play softer? +Give him a sheet of music. + +How do you make him stop playing? +Put notes on it! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the definition of a minor second? +Two lead guitarists playing in unison. + +What do you call two guitarists playing in unison? +Counterpoint. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How many guitarists does it take to change a light-bulb? +Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say "Not bad, but I could've + done better". + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig? +Would you like fries with that? + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common? +When you plug them in, they suck. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What did the guitar say to the guitarist? +Pick on someone your own size! + + +================================================================================ + +Steve Wright: I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car +going really fast, and stick it out the window. + + +================================================================================ + +A Celtic harpist spends half her time tuning her harp, and the other half +playing it out of tune. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the definition of a quarter tone? +A harpist tuning unison strings. + + +================================================================================ + +How do you get 5 oboes in tune? +Shoot 4 of them. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What are burning oboes used for? +To set bassoons on fire. + + +================================================================================ + +Why did J. S. Bach have 20 children? +His organ didn't have any stops. + +Bach's organ works; so does mine. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +An organist was out on the town and came across a new club. He entered, and the +manager greeted him and told him about the "progressive format." "You see, we +have several different rooms here. On the door of each you will see a number. +That number is the average IQ of the people inside." The organist thinks this +is a wonderful idea, and soon finds Room 150. Inside is a brass quintet +discussing brass quintet things, favorite composers, favorite instruments, and +the like. The organist had just finished a concert with a brass quintet and was +in no mood for more. He walked down the hall and found Room 100. Inside was a +symphony orchestra holding a convention on who the greatest conductor of all +time is. Since organists don't usually need conductors, he left. Next was Room +60. Inside was Philip Glass and John Cage. The organist did not stay very long +at all (though Glass and Cage were inspired by the slamming door). At the very +end of the hall was a battered old door with beer bottles, needles, and other +detritus. But the organist was bored and decides that it's worth a shot. +Inside are two punk-looking guys sitting on two stools in an otherwise empty +room. One punk says to the other: "So, what kind of sticks do you use?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Why are organists like a broken-winded cab horse? +They are always longing for another stop. + + +================================================================================ + +What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? +A flat minor. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller? +A flat major. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him (or her) over with + a steam roller? +Be flat, major. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller? +See flat major. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in? +C sharp or B flat.. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone? +A sharp major. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you + do well in is music? +A natural major. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away? +Root position cords. + + +================================================================================ +How do you get 2 piccolos to play a perfect unison? +Shoot one. + + +================================================================================ +What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw? +It's all in the grip. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax? +You can tune the lawnmower. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? +Vibrato. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb? +5. One to handle the bulb, and 4 to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done + it. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune + tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? +The out-of-tune sax player! The other two indicate you've been hallucinating. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How do you make a chainsaw sound like a bari-sax? +Add vibrato. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the definition of a gentleman? +One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How many sax players does it take to change a lightbulb? +Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better + Michael Brecker would have done it. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Seems that the censors (they know who they are) banned the airing of an +instructional show on PBS that purported to introduce young people to the worlds +of Jazz and Classical music. Their reasoning? Too much Sax and Violins. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The Golden Club, Las Vegas + +The morning after a night on the town in Las Vegas, Bob told his friend about +the Golden Club that he had been drinking in. Everything in the club was lined +with gold. The glasses had a gold rim, the rail on the bar was plated with +gold, even the urinals were gold plated. Bob was ready to believe his buddy +until he mentioned the gold plated urinals so he called the Golden Club. "Is it +true that the glasses in your club have a gold rim?" Bob asked. "Yes, it's +true" replied the voice on the other end. "And is the rail on the bar plated +with gold?" asked Bob. "Yes it is" was the reply from the other end. "And, one +more thing, is it true that the urinals are gold plated?" inquired Bob. Bob +could hear the person on the other end yell to the band "Hey Joe, I think I +found the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night". + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the difference between a saxophone and a sorority girl? +You could eat a saxophone if you had to. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the difference between a saxophone and a husband? +A saxophone makes sound when you blow it. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophone +playing lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now." He replies, "Why, am I +sharp??" + + +================================================================================ + +How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? +Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the definition of a gentleman? +Somone who knows how to play the trombone and doesn't. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be + surmised from this? +The frog's probably on its way to a gig. + + +================================================================================ + +How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? +50. 1 to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What do lead trumpet players use for birth control? +Their personality. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb? +5, one to change it and 4 to tell him how much better they could do it. + + +================================================================================ +What's the range of a tuba? +Twenty yards, if you've got a good arm. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's a tuba for? +1 1/2 X 3 1/2. + + +================================================================================ + +What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline? +You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What is the difference between grapes and a viola? +You take off your shoes to stamp on grapes. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the difference between a dog and a viola? +The dog knows when to stop scratching. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How do you get a viola section to play spiccato? +Write a whole note with "solo" above it. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +At a concert hall one night the stage manager comes across an oboe player and a +viola player having a fight. He breaks the fight up and asks what the fight was +about. The oboe player says, "He broke my reed! I was just about to play my +big solo when he broke my reed!" "Well?" says the stage manager to the viola +player. "What do you say to that?" In umbrage, the viola player replies, "He +undid two of my strings but he won't tell me which ones!" + + +================================================================================ +How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? +The bow is moving. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How do you make a violin sound like a viola? +Sit in the back and don't play. + or +Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the difference between a violin and a viola? +A viola burns longer. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How is lightning like a violist's fingers? +Neither one strikes in the same place twice. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How do you keep your violin from getting stolen? +Put it in a viola case. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist? +Terrorists have sympathizers. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Why is a violist like a terrorist? +They both screw up bowings. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +This guy says to his wife "Oh, baby. I can play you just like a violin." +His wife says "But I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a +smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of police comes over to +him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed +your family, and burned it down." The violist replied, "You're kidding! The +conductor came to my house?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The composition of a string quartet: +1 good violinist +1 bad violinist +1 really bad violinist who became a violist +1 cellist who hates all violinists. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan +while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much room on this page," +he said. "What shall I write?" Another violinist, standing by, offered the +following helpful hint: "Write your repertoire." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + "Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the +defendant. + "You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin +lessons last winter." + "Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Why is a violinist like a Scud missile? +Both are offensive and inaccurate. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Why are violins smaller than violas? +They're not. Violinists heads are larger. + + +================================================================================ + +What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche? +Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the difference between a dressmaker and an alto? +The dressmaker tucks up the frills. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end, it would be a +good idea. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door? +He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb? +One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him. + or +None. Get the drummer to do it. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones? +"I didn't wake up this morning..." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear about the female opera singer who had quite a range at the lower + end of the scale. +She was known as the deep C diva. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What is your Opera Index? [/10.0] + +0.0 = You can't even sing along with the air-raid siren. +0.5 = You think "pitch" is something you do to a baseball. +1.0 = You can tell the difference between rest notes and Kanji. +1.5 = You know that Albinoni isn't a sea mollusk. +2.0 = You can't wait for Romeo and Juliet to take their story to its tragic and + well deserved conclusion. +2.5 = You actually bought a copy of K-tell's "Greatest Opera Hits" +3.0 = Your parents love opera, you'll watch it only if it's on TV. +3.5 = You've got tapes of complete operas hidden in your car. +4.0 = You include quotes from operas in your Usenet postings. +4.5 = You think Mario Lanza got a raw deal. +5.0 = You have season tickets to the MET's Mostly Mozart Festival +5.5 = You have a plaster bust of Verdi on your toy piano. +6.0 = You've memorized the fake french dialogue in Die Fledermaus. +6.5 = You cry every time Mimi hides her cough from Ruldolfo. +7.0 = You'd watch Andrea Chenier again. :P +7.5 = You actually like the Wagnarian style. +8.0 = You actually believe in Turandot's beauty through her aria, despite visual + evidence to the contrary. +8.5 = You've got Wagner's Ring Cycle memorized...both versions. +9.0 = You've developed a better filing system than Kirshel's. +9.5 = Kiri Te Kanawa thinks you're cute. +9.6 = You think Dane Joan Sutherland is a sexy mama. +9.7 = Pavarotti, Carrera and Domingo compete for your autograph. +10.0 = Caruso does cameos at your seance's. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +So this trumpet player dies. And when he reaches is everlasting reward, the guy +in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay? +There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now +we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums. "Wow!" the guy says, "I +never imagined heaven would be this good." So the guy in the robe says, "This +is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer." + + +================================================================================ + +What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet? +A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb? +Seven. (Indignant nose upturning) Of course, I wouldn't expect *you* to + understand. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra? +The bull has the horns in front and the asshole in the back. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Why are conductors' hearts coveted for transplants? +They've had little use. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told +that he is dead. The musician calls back 25 times more. Same message from +receptionist. She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, "I just like to hear +you say it." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Semiconductors are part-time musicians. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Last summer, the local orchestra decided to play Beethoven's 9th symphony. +However, it being quite hot, the players were working up quite a sweat, until a +neighbor let them use the ventilators in her house. However, the wind from +these ventilators was causing the notes to blow all over the place, so they had +to tie them down to the note holders. The din from the ventilators was so bad +that the bassists decided it didn't matter if they downed a few drinks and got +royally drunk. Two of the bassists get so drunk, they pass out. One of the +violinists, in disgust, decided to go home but slipped and fell. Thus, it was +the bottom of the 9th, the bassists were loaded, the score was tied with two men +out and the fans were roaring wild when one of the players slid home. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +It's Saturday night and the local orchestra is giving a concert, but it's five +minutes to curtain and the conductor still hasn't shown. When the assistant +manager tells the manager about this, the manager goes berserk. He asks all of +the employees if they can conduct, but none of them can. He then goes to the +lobby and asks the patrons but doesn't find anyone. He finally goes out on the +street and collars passerbys but still can't find anyone who can conduct. In +desperation, the assistant manager points to a cat, dog, and horse that are +standing in the street. The manager shrugs his shoulders and says "Why not, +what do we have to lose?" He goes to the cat and asks if it can conduct and it +mews out "I don't know but I'll try." The cat tries to stand on its hind legs +and wave its paws but it can't keep its balance and falls over immediately. The +manager goes to the dog and asks the same thing. The dog barks "I think I can," +but although the dog can keep its balance for a while, it can't stand on its +hind legs long enough to last through an entire movement. Finally, the manager +asks the horse if it can conduct. The horse just stares at the manager for a +second, then turns around and presents its rear quarters and starts swishing its +tail in perfect 4/4 time. The manager exclaims "That's perfect! The concert can +go on as scheduled." "But, sir," protests the assistant, "will the orchestra +accept a horse as a conductor?" Just then the horse drops a big pile of plop on +the street. The manager looks at the plop and then at the horse's rear and says +"Trust me, from this angle, the orchestra won't even know that they have a new +conductor." + + +================================================================================ + +What do you get when you play a new age song backwards? +A new age song. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What happens if you sing country music backwards? +You get your job and your wife back. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a new theatrical +season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Philistine Liberation Organization Seminars: + "The Sound of Music: Best Musical Ever Made?" + "Andy Williams and Neil Diamond, their Similarities and Differences" + "Perceptions of Existence in the Music of Manilow" + "Is Vivaldi the New Muzak? Is snobbery creeping into the PLO?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How to buy a stereo: + +1) Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc. + Multiply by a factor of 100. +2) The ideal system should have as many lights as possible, preferably + blinking and flashing in time with the music. +3) The components should all have black metal finish, and generally look very + C00L. +4) The system should be broken up into as many components as possible. (e.g. + pre-amp, pre-pre-amp, post-amp, etc.) +5) The most important part of a stereo system is the speakers, they should look + very cool. Size and number of sub-speakers is important. (eg. woofers, + tweeters, sub-woofers, super-sub-woofers, etc.) +6) The system should resemble the cockpit of an F16 or 757 aircraft. +7) The system should have full remote control capability, including over the + mobile auto cellular phone so that the stereo can be playing as you get + home. +8) Should have the capability of playing different music in every room of the + house. +9) Components should have a cool names. +10) The complete set up should put a major recording studio or large radio + station to shame. +11) Having state of the art equipment is not enough. You should be a year or + two ahead of everyone else. Equipment over the warranty period is obsolete + and should be disposed of promptly. +12) The most important factor... + Out of everyone you know who owns stereo equipment, yours should be better. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How can you tell someone is a true music lover? +When they put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Proposed Country-Western song titles: + + "I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win" + "My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My +Heart" + "Tennis Must Be Your Racket, 'Cause Love Means Nothin' to You" + "I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time" + "I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well" + "I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better" + "Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure" + "I Wish I Were in Dixie Tonight, But She's Out of Town" + "You May Put Me In Prison, But You Can't Keep My Face From Breakin' Out" + "I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Have you heard about the new radio station called WPMS? +They play three weeks of blues and one week of ragtime. + + +================================================================================ + +What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins? +A pair of Re-bachs. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Three blokes die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter. +StP: Hi, what's your name? +Pete: Pete. +StP: Hi, Pete. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning? +Pete: 120K +StP: Wow! Tell me, Pete, what were you doing to earn that kind of money? +Pete: I was a lawyer. +StP: That's great. Come on in. (To 2nd bloke) Hi, what's your name? +Roger: Roger. +StP: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning? +Roger: 60K. +StP: Hey, that's great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a living? +Roger: I was an accountant. +StP: That's very good. Come on in. (To 3rd bloke) Hi, what's your name? +John: John. +StP: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died? +John: About $13,000. +StP: Hey, that's fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play? + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What do you get if Bach falls off a horse but has the courage to get on again + and continue riding? +Bach in the saddle again. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Why don't they know where Mozart is buried? +Because he's Haydn! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who can play 5 musical instruments? +Stump the band. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What do you get when you cross a Mafia lieutenant and a performance artist? +Someone who makes you an offer you can't understand!!! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Do you know how many musicians it takes to screw in a lightbulb? +No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. +Twenty: One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 on the guest list. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? +Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it's electrified. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb? +Seven - one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb? +Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his + forehead. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb? +"Hey man, I just do sound." + or +One, two, three, one, two, three. + or +One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with +a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, +finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where +it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once +in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have +written that." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's musical and handy in a supermarket? A Chopin Liszt. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Altos are sandwiched between sopranos and tenors. +Altos have body. +Bach did it with the organ. +Band members do it all night. +Band members do it in a parade. +Band members do it in front of 100,000 people. +Band members do it in public. +Band members do it in sectionals. +Band members do it on the football field. +Basses and altos do it lower. +Basses have rhythm. +Beethoven did it apassionately. +Beethoven was the first to do it with a full orchestra. +Choir boys do it unaccompanied. +Cymbal players do it with a crash. +DJs do it on request. +DJs do it on the air. +Drummers beat it. +Drummers do it in 4/4 time. +Drummers do it longer. +Drummers do it on their heads. +Drummers do it with both hands and feet. +Drummers do it with rhythm. +Drummers pound it. +FM Disc Jockeys do it in stereo and with high fidelity. +Frank Sinatra does it his way. +Music hackers do it at 3 am. +Music hackers do it audibly. +Music hackers do it in concert. +Music hackers do it in scores. +Music hackers do it with more movements. +Music hackers do it with their organs. +Music hackers want to do it in realtime. +Musicians do it with rhythm. +Musicians duet together. +Piano players have faster fingers +Piano students learn on their teachers' instruments. +Singers do it with their diaphragms. +Sopranos and tenors do it higher. +Sopranos do it in unison. +Tenors have breath control. +Trombone players do it in 7 positions. +Trombones do it faster. +Trombonists use more positions. +Trumpet players blow the best. +Trumpet players do it with a fanfare. +Tuba players do it with big horns. +Tubas do it deeper. +Violinists do it gently. +Violists do it alone. +Violoncellists do it low. +Virtuosi appreciate it. +Vocalists are good in their mouths. +Woodwind players do it in the reeds. + + + + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music1.txt b/ai/learn/music/music1.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..85edd8d --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music1.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +Why do bagpipers walk when they play? +To get away from the noise. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music10.txt b/ai/learn/music/music10.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c1aabde --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13 @@ + + This guy goes on vacation to a tropical island. As soon as he gets off the +plane, he hears drums. He thinks "Wow, this is cool." He goes to the beach, he +hears the drums, he eats lunch, he hears drums, he goes to a luau, he hears +drums. He TRIES to go to sleep, he hears drums. + This goes on for several nights, and gets to the point where the guy can't +sleep at night because of the drums. Finally, he goes down to the front desk. + When he gets there, he asks the manager "Hey! What's with these drums. Don't +they ever stop? I can't get any sleep." + The manager says, "No! Drums must NEVER stop. Very bad if drums stop." + "Why?" + "When drums stop...bass solo begins." + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music100.txt b/ai/learn/music/music100.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5e35b7d --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music100.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +How do you tell when your lead singer is at the door? +He can't find the key and doesn't know when to come in. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music101.txt b/ai/learn/music/music101.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9a0bc93 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music101.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +How many lead singers does it take to change a light bulb? +One. He holds the bulb while the world revolves around him. + or +None. Get the drummer to do it. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music102.txt b/ai/learn/music/music102.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..2b61da0 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music102.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's the inscription on dead blues-singers tombstones? +"I didn't wake up this morning..." + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music104.txt b/ai/learn/music/music104.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..ca6354a --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music104.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +Did you hear about the female opera singer who had quite a range at the lower + end of the scale. +She was known as the deep C diva. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music105.txt b/ai/learn/music/music105.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..40874b7 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music105.txt @@ -0,0 +1,29 @@ + +What is your Opera Index? [/10.0] + +0.0 = You can't even sing along with the air-raid siren. +0.5 = You think "pitch" is something you do to a baseball. +1.0 = You can tell the difference between rest notes and Kanji. +1.5 = You know that Albinoni isn't a sea mollusk. +2.0 = You can't wait for Romeo and Juliet to take their story to its tragic and + well deserved conclusion. +2.5 = You actually bought a copy of K-tell's "Greatest Opera Hits" +3.0 = Your parents love opera, you'll watch it only if it's on TV. +3.5 = You've got tapes of complete operas hidden in your car. +4.0 = You include quotes from operas in your Usenet postings. +4.5 = You think Mario Lanza got a raw deal. +5.0 = You have season tickets to the MET's Mostly Mozart Festival +5.5 = You have a plaster bust of Verdi on your toy piano. +6.0 = You've memorized the fake french dialogue in Die Fledermaus. +6.5 = You cry every time Mimi hides her cough from Ruldolfo. +7.0 = You'd watch Andrea Chenier again. :P +7.5 = You actually like the Wagnarian style. +8.0 = You actually believe in Turandot's beauty through her aria, despite visual + evidence to the contrary. +8.5 = You've got Wagner's Ring Cycle memorized...both versions. +9.0 = You've developed a better filing system than Kirshel's. +9.5 = Kiri Te Kanawa thinks you're cute. +9.6 = You think Dane Joan Sutherland is a sexy mama. +9.7 = Pavarotti, Carrera and Domingo compete for your autograph. +10.0 = Caruso does cameos at your seance's. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music106.txt b/ai/learn/music/music106.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..2376c75 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music106.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ + +So this trumpet player dies. And when he reaches is everlasting reward, the guy +in the robe says, "You're going to spend eternity with this combo, okay? +There's a bass player named 'Mingus' and a pianist named 'Monk', and any day now +we expect this 'Blakey' guy to show up with his drums. "Wow!" the guy says, "I +never imagined heaven would be this good." So the guy in the robe says, "This +is hell, not heaven. There's a girl singer." + + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music107.txt b/ai/learn/music/music107.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b4b4b50 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music107.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What is the definition of a Soviet String Quartet? +A Soviet Symphony Orchestra after a tour of the USA! + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music108.txt b/ai/learn/music/music108.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f05ee82 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music108.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +How many conductors does it take to change a lightbulb? +Seven. (Indignant nose upturning) Of course, I wouldn't expect *you* to + understand. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music109.txt b/ai/learn/music/music109.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..3ae3868 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music109.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's the difference between a bull and an orchestra? +The bull has the horns in front and the asshole in the back. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music11.txt b/ai/learn/music/music11.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..21644b5 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music11.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Did you hear about the drummer who locked his keys in his car? +It took him 4 hours to get the bass player out. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music110.txt b/ai/learn/music/music110.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..2a6475c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music110.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Why are conductors' hearts coveted for transplants? +They've had little use. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music111.txt b/ai/learn/music/music111.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..97fd10a --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music111.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +A musician calls the orchestra office, asks for the conductor, and is told +that he is dead. The musician calls back 25 times more. Same message from +receptionist. She asks why he keeps calling. He replies, "I just like to hear +you say it." + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music112.txt b/ai/learn/music/music112.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0b23d28 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music112.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ + +Semiconductors are part-time musicians. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music114.txt b/ai/learn/music/music114.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f0a78e1 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music114.txt @@ -0,0 +1,25 @@ + +It's Saturday night and the local orchestra is giving a concert, but it's five +minutes to curtain and the conductor still hasn't shown. When the assistant +manager tells the manager about this, the manager goes berserk. He asks all of +the employees if they can conduct, but none of them can. He then goes to the +lobby and asks the patrons but doesn't find anyone. He finally goes out on the +street and collars passerbys but still can't find anyone who can conduct. In +desperation, the assistant manager points to a cat, dog, and horse that are +standing in the street. The manager shrugs his shoulders and says "Why not, +what do we have to lose?" He goes to the cat and asks if it can conduct and it +mews out "I don't know but I'll try." The cat tries to stand on its hind legs +and wave its paws but it can't keep its balance and falls over immediately. The +manager goes to the dog and asks the same thing. The dog barks "I think I can," +but although the dog can keep its balance for a while, it can't stand on its +hind legs long enough to last through an entire movement. Finally, the manager +asks the horse if it can conduct. The horse just stares at the manager for a +second, then turns around and presents its rear quarters and starts swishing its +tail in perfect 4/4 time. The manager exclaims "That's perfect! The concert can +go on as scheduled." "But, sir," protests the assistant, "will the orchestra +accept a horse as a conductor?" Just then the horse drops a big pile of plop on +the street. The manager looks at the plop and then at the horse's rear and says +"Trust me, from this angle, the orchestra won't even know that they have a new +conductor." + + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music115.txt b/ai/learn/music/music115.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e481e49 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music115.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What do you get when you play a new age song backwards? +A new age song. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music116.txt b/ai/learn/music/music116.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..706346a --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music116.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What happens if you sing country music backwards? +You get your job and your wife back. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music117.txt b/ai/learn/music/music117.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e15c7bf --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music117.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a new theatrical +season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music118.txt b/ai/learn/music/music118.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c73afe3 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music118.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +Philistine Liberation Organization Seminars: + "The Sound of Music: Best Musical Ever Made?" + "Andy Williams and Neil Diamond, their Similarities and Differences" + "Perceptions of Existence in the Music of Manilow" + "Is Vivaldi the New Muzak? Is snobbery creeping into the PLO?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music119.txt b/ai/learn/music/music119.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..8219d4d --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music119.txt @@ -0,0 +1,29 @@ + +How to buy a stereo: + +1) Carefully calculate power requirements, based on room dimensions, etc. + Multiply by a factor of 100. +2) The ideal system should have as many lights as possible, preferably + blinking and flashing in time with the music. +3) The components should all have black metal finish, and generally look very + C00L. +4) The system should be broken up into as many components as possible. (e.g. + pre-amp, pre-pre-amp, post-amp, etc.) +5) The most important part of a stereo system is the speakers, they should look + very cool. Size and number of sub-speakers is important. (eg. woofers, + tweeters, sub-woofers, super-sub-woofers, etc.) +6) The system should resemble the cockpit of an F16 or 757 aircraft. +7) The system should have full remote control capability, including over the + mobile auto cellular phone so that the stereo can be playing as you get + home. +8) Should have the capability of playing different music in every room of the + house. +9) Components should have a cool names. +10) The complete set up should put a major recording studio or large radio + station to shame. +11) Having state of the art equipment is not enough. You should be a year or + two ahead of everyone else. Equipment over the warranty period is obsolete + and should be disposed of promptly. +12) The most important factor... + Out of everyone you know who owns stereo equipment, yours should be better. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music12.txt b/ai/learn/music/music12.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..71a82a9 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music12.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? +None, the piano player can do that with his left hand. + + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music120.txt b/ai/learn/music/music120.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..8ee0c47 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music120.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +How can you tell someone is a true music lover? +When they put their ear up to the bathroom keyhole. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music121.txt b/ai/learn/music/music121.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1eede32 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music121.txt @@ -0,0 +1,15 @@ + +Proposed Country-Western song titles: + + "I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win" + "My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was Breaking My +Heart" + "Tennis Must Be Your Racket, 'Cause Love Means Nothin' to You" + "I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time" + "I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well" + "I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better" + "Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure" + "I Wish I Were in Dixie Tonight, But She's Out of Town" + "You May Put Me In Prison, But You Can't Keep My Face From Breakin' Out" + "I Changed Her Oil, She Changed My Life" + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music122.txt b/ai/learn/music/music122.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..3e6a681 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music122.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +Have you heard about the new radio station called WPMS? +They play three weeks of blues and one week of ragtime. + + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music124.txt b/ai/learn/music/music124.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e25a0a7 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music124.txt @@ -0,0 +1,20 @@ + +Three blokes die and go to heaven and queue to meet St. Peter. +StP: Hi, what's your name? +Pete: Pete. +StP: Hi, Pete. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning? +Pete: 120K +StP: Wow! Tell me, Pete, what were you doing to earn that kind of money? +Pete: I was a lawyer. +StP: That's great. Come on in. (To 2nd bloke) Hi, what's your name? +Roger: Roger. +StP: Hi, Roger. Tell me, when you died, how much were you earning? +Roger: 60K. +StP: Hey, that's great! Tell me, Roger:, what did you do for a living? +Roger: I was an accountant. +StP: That's very good. Come on in. (To 3rd bloke) Hi, what's your name? +John: John. +StP: Hi, John. Tell me, John, how much were you earning when you died? +John: About $13,000. +StP: Hey, that's fantastic, John! Tell me, what instrument did you play? + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music125.txt b/ai/learn/music/music125.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..86c8b37 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music125.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +What do you get if Bach falls off a horse but has the courage to get on again + and continue riding? +Bach in the saddle again. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music126.txt b/ai/learn/music/music126.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1fa9a16 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music126.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Why don't they know where Mozart is buried? +Because he's Haydn! + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music127.txt b/ai/learn/music/music127.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f4e9b4f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music127.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What do you call a guy with no arms or legs who can play 5 musical instruments? +Stump the band. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music128.txt b/ai/learn/music/music128.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..fd5a1cd --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music128.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What do you get when you cross a Mafia lieutenant and a performance artist? +Someone who makes you an offer you can't understand!!! + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music129.txt b/ai/learn/music/music129.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..13d63c2 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music129.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +Do you know how many musicians it takes to screw in a lightbulb? +No, big daddy, but hum a few bars and I'll fake it. +Twenty: One to hold the bulb, two to turn the ladder, and 17 on the guest list. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music130.txt b/ai/learn/music/music130.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f450e2c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music130.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +How many bluegrass musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? +Two. One to screw it in, and one to complain that it's electrified. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music131.txt b/ai/learn/music/music131.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..bc2ad22 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music131.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +How many folk musicians does it take to change a light bulb? +Seven - one to change and the other six to sing about how good the old one was. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music132.txt b/ai/learn/music/music132.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9afba24 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music132.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +How many punk-rock musicians does it take to change a light bulb? +Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to smash the old one on his + forehead. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music134.txt b/ai/learn/music/music134.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5d53c11 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music134.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once +in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have +written that." + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music135.txt b/ai/learn/music/music135.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e1a1cea --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music135.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ + +What's musical and handy in a supermarket? A Chopin Liszt. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music136.txt b/ai/learn/music/music136.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a0bd150 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music136.txt @@ -0,0 +1,59 @@ + +Altos are sandwiched between sopranos and tenors. +Altos have body. +Bach did it with the organ. +Band members do it all night. +Band members do it in a parade. +Band members do it in front of 100,000 people. +Band members do it in public. +Band members do it in sectionals. +Band members do it on the football field. +Basses and altos do it lower. +Basses have rhythm. +Beethoven did it apassionately. +Beethoven was the first to do it with a full orchestra. +Choir boys do it unaccompanied. +Cymbal players do it with a crash. +DJs do it on request. +DJs do it on the air. +Drummers beat it. +Drummers do it in 4/4 time. +Drummers do it longer. +Drummers do it on their heads. +Drummers do it with both hands and feet. +Drummers do it with rhythm. +Drummers pound it. +FM Disc Jockeys do it in stereo and with high fidelity. +Frank Sinatra does it his way. +Music hackers do it at 3 am. +Music hackers do it audibly. +Music hackers do it in concert. +Music hackers do it in scores. +Music hackers do it with more movements. +Music hackers do it with their organs. +Music hackers want to do it in realtime. +Musicians do it with rhythm. +Musicians duet together. +Piano players have faster fingers +Piano students learn on their teachers' instruments. +Singers do it with their diaphragms. +Sopranos and tenors do it higher. +Sopranos do it in unison. +Tenors have breath control. +Trombone players do it in 7 positions. +Trombones do it faster. +Trombonists use more positions. +Trumpet players blow the best. +Trumpet players do it with a fanfare. +Tuba players do it with big horns. +Tubas do it deeper. +Violinists do it gently. +Violists do it alone. +Violoncellists do it low. +Virtuosi appreciate it. +Vocalists are good in their mouths. +Woodwind players do it in the reeds. + + + + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music14.txt b/ai/learn/music/music14.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..be95fd5 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music14.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +Why are orchestra intermissions limited to 20 minutes? +So you don't have to retrain the cellists. + + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music15.txt b/ai/learn/music/music15.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..aecdc23 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music15.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard? +So they can park in the handicap zones. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music16.txt b/ai/learn/music/music16.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..de826d9 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music16.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's the definition of a nerd? +Somone who owns their own alto clarinet. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music17.txt b/ai/learn/music/music17.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..71b653d --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music17.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What is the difference between a clarinet and an onion? +Nobody cries when you chop an clarinet into little pieces. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music18.txt b/ai/learn/music/music18.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..800d405 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music18.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What do you call a bass-clarinetist with half a brain? +Gifted. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music19.txt b/ai/learn/music/music19.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b19fb56 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music19.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +How can you tell when there is a drummer at your front door? +The knocking gets faster. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music2.txt b/ai/learn/music/music2.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..ffb1227 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music2.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +How many banjo players does it take to change a lightbulb? +Only 1, but all the others gathered 'round will complain that that's not the way + EARL (Scruggs) would have done it. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music20.txt b/ai/learn/music/music20.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7b06816 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music20.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +How do you know if there is a percussionist at the door? +The knocking gets slower. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music21.txt b/ai/learn/music/music21.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5b239c7 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music21.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +How do you know when a drum solo's really bad? +The bass player notices. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music22.txt b/ai/learn/music/music22.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..4e9b7c9 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music22.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Why do drummers have a half ounce more brains than horses? +So they don't disgrace themselves at the parade. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music24.txt b/ai/learn/music/music24.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..4b22bbb --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music24.txt @@ -0,0 +1,14 @@ + +How many drummers does it take to change a lightbulb? +Only one, but he'll break ten bulbs before figuring out that they can't just be + pushed in. + or +One, but only after asking "Why?" ("Oh, wow! Is it like dark, man?") + or +Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to turn his throne (but only after they + figure out that you have to turn the bulb). + or +Twenty. One to hold the bulb, and nineteen to drink until the room spins. + or +None. They have a machine that does that now. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music25.txt b/ai/learn/music/music25.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a650527 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music25.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Hey, buddy, how late does the band play? +Oh, about half a beat behind the drummer. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music26.txt b/ai/learn/music/music26.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..dd19c26 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music26.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + + There's a five pound note on the floor. Which of a thrash guitarist, a +drummer who keeps good time, and a drummer who keeps bad time picks it up? + The drummer who keeps bad time. The other drummer doesn't exist and the +thrash guitarist doesn't care about notes anyway. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music27.txt b/ai/learn/music/music27.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..cfe98d8 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music27.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ + +If thine enemy wrong thee, buy each of his children a drum. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music28.txt b/ai/learn/music/music28.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1ce3a84 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music28.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ + + Guy walks into a shop. "You got one of them Marshall Hiwatt AC30 +amplificatior thingies and a Gobson StratoBlaster geetar with a Fried Rose +tremolo?" + "You're a drummer, aren't you?" + "Duh, yeah. How'd you know?" + "This is a travel agent." + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music29.txt b/ai/learn/music/music29.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..fa6aad6 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music29.txt @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ + +Bob is throwing a party. Bob decides that to break the ice at his party, he'll +ask everyone what their IQ is, and then strike up an appropriate conversation +from there. The day of Bob's party rolls around and when the first guest knocks +on the door, Bob asks the person what their IQ is. "200,000" replies the first +guest. "Well, that's great", says Bob, lets talk about ethereal astro physics. +Bob and this first guest talk about the aforementioned subject for a while. +Later in the party someone else is at the door. Hi my name is Bob; welcome to +my party, what's your IQ? The new guest responds with "250". Great says Bob, +lets talk about advanced math. Bob and his new guest talk about calculus and +statistics for a while. Much later in the party after many more guests had been +arrived and spoken to by Bob, yet another guest arrives at the door. "Hi, my +name's Bob; welcome to my party, what's your IQ?" This time the guest replies +after putting some thought into it: 5. Well that's great, says Bob, what kind +of drumsticks do you use? + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music30.txt b/ai/learn/music/music30.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a290083 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music30.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test? +Drool. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music31.txt b/ai/learn/music/music31.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..33f7218 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music31.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +What's the difference between playing an English horn solo and wetting your + pants? +Both give you a warm feeling, but no one else cares. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music32.txt b/ai/learn/music/music32.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a31168c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music32.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's the definition of a minor second? +Two flutes playing a unison + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music34.txt b/ai/learn/music/music34.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..163ae7c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music34.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +How do you get a guitar player to play softer? +Give him a sheet of music. + +How do you make him stop playing? +Put notes on it! + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music35.txt b/ai/learn/music/music35.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..24409bc --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music35.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +What's the definition of a minor second? +Two lead guitarists playing in unison. + +What do you call two guitarists playing in unison? +Counterpoint. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music36.txt b/ai/learn/music/music36.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..61f8c4f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music36.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +How many guitarists does it take to change a light-bulb? +Twenty. One to change the bulb and nineteen to say "Not bad, but I could've + done better". + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music37.txt b/ai/learn/music/music37.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..47b37d2 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music37.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What does a guitarist say when he gets to his gig? +Would you like fries with that? + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music38.txt b/ai/learn/music/music38.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..70e2c7f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music38.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What do a vacuum cleaner and an electric guitar have in common? +When you plug them in, they suck. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music39.txt b/ai/learn/music/music39.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..6e432b5 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music39.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +What did the guitar say to the guitarist? +Pick on someone your own size! + + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music4.txt b/ai/learn/music/music4.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..fcbc860 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music4.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's the difference between a banjo and an anchor? +You tie a rope to an anchor before you throw it overboard. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music40.txt b/ai/learn/music/music40.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..dc3667e --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music40.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +Steve Wright: I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car +going really fast, and stick it out the window. + + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music41.txt b/ai/learn/music/music41.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e9b581f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music41.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +A Celtic harpist spends half her time tuning her harp, and the other half +playing it out of tune. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music42.txt b/ai/learn/music/music42.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..69a80a5 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music42.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +What's the definition of a quarter tone? +A harpist tuning unison strings. + + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music44.txt b/ai/learn/music/music44.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1a0b3fd --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music44.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +What are burning oboes used for? +To set bassoons on fire. + + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music45.txt b/ai/learn/music/music45.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e80caa0 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music45.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +Why did J. S. Bach have 20 children? +His organ didn't have any stops. + +Bach's organ works; so does mine. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music46.txt b/ai/learn/music/music46.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7937267 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music46.txt @@ -0,0 +1,18 @@ + +An organist was out on the town and came across a new club. He entered, and the +manager greeted him and told him about the "progressive format." "You see, we +have several different rooms here. On the door of each you will see a number. +That number is the average IQ of the people inside." The organist thinks this +is a wonderful idea, and soon finds Room 150. Inside is a brass quintet +discussing brass quintet things, favorite composers, favorite instruments, and +the like. The organist had just finished a concert with a brass quintet and was +in no mood for more. He walked down the hall and found Room 100. Inside was a +symphony orchestra holding a convention on who the greatest conductor of all +time is. Since organists don't usually need conductors, he left. Next was Room +60. Inside was Philip Glass and John Cage. The organist did not stay very long +at all (though Glass and Cage were inspired by the slamming door). At the very +end of the hall was a battered old door with beer bottles, needles, and other +detritus. But the organist was bored and decides that it's worth a shot. +Inside are two punk-looking guys sitting on two stools in an otherwise empty +room. One punk says to the other: "So, what kind of sticks do you use?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music47.txt b/ai/learn/music/music47.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..26a9e47 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music47.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +Why are organists like a broken-winded cab horse? +They are always longing for another stop. + + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music48.txt b/ai/learn/music/music48.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d16191b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music48.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft? +A flat minor. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music49.txt b/ai/learn/music/music49.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1cb2a1a --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music49.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What do you get if you run over an army officer with a steam roller? +A flat major. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music5.txt b/ai/learn/music/music5.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..ad5729d --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music5.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Why is the banjo player a fiddle player's best friend? +Without him, the fiddle would be the most hated instrument on earth. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music50.txt b/ai/learn/music/music50.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0edc5c8 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music50.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +What do you say to an army officer as you're about to run him (or her) over with + a steam roller? +Be flat, major. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music51.txt b/ai/learn/music/music51.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9a3a706 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music51.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What do you say after you run an army officer over with a steam roller? +See flat major. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music52.txt b/ai/learn/music/music52.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..4c96d12 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music52.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What key is "Exploring The Cave With No Flashlight" written in? +C sharp or B flat.. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music54.txt b/ai/learn/music/music54.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..6f9af4a --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music54.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you + do well in is music? +A natural major. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music55.txt b/ai/learn/music/music55.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..16b70ed --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music55.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +What do you use to tie saplings to a piano so the saplings won't blow away? +Root position cords. + + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music56.txt b/ai/learn/music/music56.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..09ce082 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music56.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ +How do you get 2 piccolos to play a perfect unison? +Shoot one. + + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music57.txt b/ai/learn/music/music57.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..05c137b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music57.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +What's the difference between a saxophone and a chainsaw? +It's all in the grip. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music58.txt b/ai/learn/music/music58.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..cc385c6 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music58.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's the difference between a lawnmower and a soprano sax? +You can tune the lawnmower. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music59.txt b/ai/learn/music/music59.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..305a23d --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music59.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawnmower? +Vibrato. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music6.txt b/ai/learn/music/music6.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a08d360 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music6.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What is another name for a bassoon? +A farting bedpost. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music60.txt b/ai/learn/music/music60.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..760d34d --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music60.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +How many alto sax players does it take to change a lightbulb? +5. One to handle the bulb, and 4 to contemplate how David Sanborn would've done + it. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music61.txt b/ai/learn/music/music61.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..57f8bdf --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music61.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +If you were out in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune + tenor sax player, an out-of-tune tenor sax player, or Santa Claus? +The out-of-tune sax player! The other two indicate you've been hallucinating. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music62.txt b/ai/learn/music/music62.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..82cbdaa --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music62.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +How do you make a chainsaw sound like a bari-sax? +Add vibrato. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music64.txt b/ai/learn/music/music64.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..689750d --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music64.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +How many sax players does it take to change a lightbulb? +Sixty. One to change the bulb and fifty-nine to talk about how much better + Michael Brecker would have done it. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music65.txt b/ai/learn/music/music65.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..bd34990 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music65.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +Seems that the censors (they know who they are) banned the airing of an +instructional show on PBS that purported to introduce young people to the worlds +of Jazz and Classical music. Their reasoning? Too much Sax and Violins. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music66.txt b/ai/learn/music/music66.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..43f006f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music66.txt @@ -0,0 +1,15 @@ + +The Golden Club, Las Vegas + +The morning after a night on the town in Las Vegas, Bob told his friend about +the Golden Club that he had been drinking in. Everything in the club was lined +with gold. The glasses had a gold rim, the rail on the bar was plated with +gold, even the urinals were gold plated. Bob was ready to believe his buddy +until he mentioned the gold plated urinals so he called the Golden Club. "Is it +true that the glasses in your club have a gold rim?" Bob asked. "Yes, it's +true" replied the voice on the other end. "And is the rail on the bar plated +with gold?" asked Bob. "Yes it is" was the reply from the other end. "And, one +more thing, is it true that the urinals are gold plated?" inquired Bob. Bob +could hear the person on the other end yell to the band "Hey Joe, I think I +found the guy that pissed in your saxophone last night". + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music67.txt b/ai/learn/music/music67.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9128a3b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music67.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's the difference between a saxophone and a sorority girl? +You could eat a saxophone if you had to. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music68.txt b/ai/learn/music/music68.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a295750 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music68.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's the difference between a saxophone and a husband? +A saxophone makes sound when you blow it. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music69.txt b/ai/learn/music/music69.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..2f96bb2 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music69.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +The soprano, not being smart enough to use birth control, says to her saxophone +playing lover, "Honey, I think you better pull out now." He replies, "Why, am I +sharp??" + + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music7.txt b/ai/learn/music/music7.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..955dc96 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music7.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ + +Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the bassoon recital. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music70.txt b/ai/learn/music/music70.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9e117be --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music70.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +How do you make a trombone sound like a french horn? +Stick your hand in the bell and play lots of wrong notes. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music71.txt b/ai/learn/music/music71.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f5887e9 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music71.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's the definition of a gentleman? +Somone who knows how to play the trombone and doesn't. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music72.txt b/ai/learn/music/music72.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c30da9c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music72.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +There is a frog driving east and a trombonist walking west. What can be + surmised from this? +The frog's probably on its way to a gig. + + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music74.txt b/ai/learn/music/music74.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..728b754 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music74.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What do lead trumpet players use for birth control? +Their personality. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music75.txt b/ai/learn/music/music75.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9223943 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music75.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +How many trumpet players does it take to change a lightbulb? +5, one to change it and 4 to tell him how much better they could do it. + + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music76.txt b/ai/learn/music/music76.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..134be9a --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music76.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +What's the range of a tuba? +Twenty yards, if you've got a good arm. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music77.txt b/ai/learn/music/music77.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1289123 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music77.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +What's a tuba for? +1 1/2 X 3 1/2. + + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music78.txt b/ai/learn/music/music78.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..187a149 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music78.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's the difference between a viola and a trampoline? +You take off your shoes before you jump on the trampoline. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music79.txt b/ai/learn/music/music79.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c583435 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music79.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What is the difference between grapes and a viola? +You take off your shoes to stamp on grapes. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music8.txt b/ai/learn/music/music8.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..3a530c5 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Why did the bass player get mad at the timpanist? +He turned a peg and wouldn't tell the bass player which one. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music80.txt b/ai/learn/music/music80.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e46adab --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music80.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's the difference between a dog and a viola? +The dog knows when to stop scratching. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music81.txt b/ai/learn/music/music81.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..bf9c9b3 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music81.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +How do you get a viola section to play spiccato? +Write a whole note with "solo" above it. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music82.txt b/ai/learn/music/music82.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..69f626d --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music82.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ + +At a concert hall one night the stage manager comes across an oboe player and a +viola player having a fight. He breaks the fight up and asks what the fight was +about. The oboe player says, "He broke my reed! I was just about to play my +big solo when he broke my reed!" "Well?" says the stage manager to the viola +player. "What do you say to that?" In umbrage, the viola player replies, "He +undid two of my strings but he won't tell me which ones!" + + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music84.txt b/ai/learn/music/music84.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7a40c99 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music84.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +How do you make a violin sound like a viola? +Sit in the back and don't play. + or +Play in the low register with a lot of wrong notes. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music85.txt b/ai/learn/music/music85.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..783ade3 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music85.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's the difference between a violin and a viola? +A viola burns longer. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music86.txt b/ai/learn/music/music86.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..6fdde72 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music86.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +How is lightning like a violist's fingers? +Neither one strikes in the same place twice. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music87.txt b/ai/learn/music/music87.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..374f3ca --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music87.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +How do you keep your violin from getting stolen? +Put it in a viola case. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music88.txt b/ai/learn/music/music88.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..4716302 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music88.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist? +Terrorists have sympathizers. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music89.txt b/ai/learn/music/music89.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..179e5f2 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music89.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Why is a violist like a terrorist? +They both screw up bowings. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music9.txt b/ai/learn/music/music9.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5e7abaf --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music9.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? +Only one - but the guitarist has to show him first. + or +Six. One to change it, five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging + the light. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music90.txt b/ai/learn/music/music90.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..31ace2b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music90.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +This guy says to his wife "Oh, baby. I can play you just like a violin." +His wife says "But I'd rather have you play me like a harmonica!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music91.txt b/ai/learn/music/music91.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d9a1ca8 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music91.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a +smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of police comes over to +him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed +your family, and burned it down." The violist replied, "You're kidding! The +conductor came to my house?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music92.txt b/ai/learn/music/music92.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..228c7c0 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music92.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +The composition of a string quartet: +1 good violinist +1 bad violinist +1 really bad violinist who became a violist +1 cellist who hates all violinists. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music94.txt b/ai/learn/music/music94.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b7a8cb4 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music94.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + + "Haven't I seen your face before?" a judge demanded, looking down at the +defendant. + "You have, Your Honor," the man answered hopefully. "I gave your son violin +lessons last winter." + "Ah, yes," recalled the judge. "Twenty years!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music95.txt b/ai/learn/music/music95.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e7dedb3 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music95.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Why is a violinist like a Scud missile? +Both are offensive and inaccurate. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music96.txt b/ai/learn/music/music96.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..54b46c8 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music96.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +Why are violins smaller than violas? +They're not. Violinists heads are larger. + + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music97.txt b/ai/learn/music/music97.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..4f404ef --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music97.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's the difference between a soprano and a Porsche? +Most musicians have never been inside a Porsche. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music98.txt b/ai/learn/music/music98.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..328a887 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music98.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's the difference between a dressmaker and an alto? +The dressmaker tucks up the frills. + diff --git a/ai/learn/music/music99.txt b/ai/learn/music/music99.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..17b8762 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/music/music99.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +If you took all the tenors in the world and laid them end to end, it would be a +good idea. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex.ges b/ai/learn/sex/sex.ges new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0d80c3b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex.ges @@ -0,0 +1,2842 @@ +What do you do with 365 used rubbers? +Make a tire and call it a good year. + +What's the difference between 365 condoms and a tire... +A tire might be a goodyear, but 365 condoms is a GREAT year! :) + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +List Of Possible Slogans Promoting 'National Condom Week' + +A crank with armor will never harm her +Before getting drastic, wrap it in plastic +Before getting laid, wrap up your spade +Before you attack her, wrap your whacker +Bodies shouldn't go slapping unless peter's got his wrapping +Cover your stump before you hump +Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool +Don't be a loner, cover your boner +Don't make a mistake, cover your snake. +Don't be silly, protect your willy +Especially in December, gift wrap your member +If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket. +If you go into heat, package your meat +If you really love her, wear a cover. +If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize +If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey +If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it +It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter +Never ever deck her with an unwrapped pecker +No glove, no love! +Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener. +She won't get sick if you wrap your dick +The right selection will protect your erection +When in doubt, shroud your spout +When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse +While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis +Wrap it in foil before checking her oil +You can't go wrong if you shield your dong +You could get a germ if you don't cover your worm +You might wind up dead if you don't shield your head + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A fellow walks into the pharmacy and ask to purchase some condoms. + "What size package would you like?" + "Oh, I get to choose? What do you have?" + "Well we have a six-pack, a nine-pack and a twelve-pack." + "Why so many different ones?" + "Well the six-pack is very popular with our customers of the Jewish +persuasion." + "Why is that?" + "Evidently, once a night, except the sabbath." + "How about the nine-pack?" + "That is very popular with our customers of the black persuasion. Once a +night and twice on weekends." + "How about the twelve-pack." + "That is very popular with our customers of the white persuasion...January, +February, March..." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A young lad goes to the pharmacy to purchase some condoms. He's got a date +this weekend and wants to be prepared..."Just in case." He looks around and +doesn't quite know what to make of all the various packages, and finally asks a +clerk for some help. + "Sure, I can help you", says the clerk. "What do you want to know?" + "Well," replies the lad, "I have a date this weekend, and want to be +prepared...just in case, you know? But I've never bought condoms before and I +don't quite know what I should be getting." + "Well," says the clerk, "this here is a 3-pack of condoms. That should do +you just fine." + "Why 3?", says the lad. + "Well, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and an extra just in case one +breaks.", replies the clerk. + "Hmm....what's this 7-pack for?", says the lad. + "That's for if the relationship goes past the weekend. One for every day of +the week." says the clerk. + "Oh my, then what's this 12-pack for?", says the lad. + "Oh. You don't need that.", says the clerk. + "Well why not?", says the lad. "Seems to be more economical." + "Well," says the clerk, "That's for the married men. One for January, one +for February, one for March...." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Why do cowboys use denim condoms? +Because they shrink to fit. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear of the new reusable rubbers? +You turn them inside out and shake the fuck out of 'em. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear of the new West Virginian rubbers... +They're open-ended for more sensitivity. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How did Dairy Queen get pregnant? +Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Written on a condom vending machine: +These chewing gums don't taste too good!!! + +Written on another one of the condom vending machines: +For refund, insert baby. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the +second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and +absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it. An +elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly. The +passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?" The elderly man replies, "I can't +see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and +intended son-in-law are upstairs." The passerby hands him the used condom and +says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out +the window!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by +stuffing the pack into a condom. She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up. +The pharmacist said "What brand of condoms to you prefer ma'am." She said "I'm +not sure, they're for my Camels.", at which point he fainted. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The farmboy goes to the big city for a better life. A hooker picks him up and +they go to a cheap motel for the night. As they are about to go to bed, she +hands him a condom and asks him to put it on. He looks very confused, so she +demonstrates on her forefinger. They are well into their lovemaking when she +suddenly realizes he's not wearing the condom, so she turns on the light and +asks him, "Aren't you wearing the condom, like I showed you?" He replies, "Sure +am, ma'am", and he shows her his forefinger with the condom on it. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A teenager of about 17 has a hot date with a girl, so he decided to go to the +pharmacy to buy some condoms. + +(Conversation as follows) + + Pharm: What can I help you with? + Teen: I'd like to...uh... ah... buy a condom. + Pharm: Ok. Here you are. (Sets condom, on counter.) + Teen: (Thinking that was rather easy and painless) Well, now that I think +about it, I think I'll be needing two condoms. + Pharm: Well, ok. (Gets another one). + Teen: (Getting bolder.) Actually, its a pretty hot date I have tonight, I +think I'll be needing four condoms. + (Teen keeps changing his mind and increasing the number of condoms he wants +until he's leaving the pharmacy with 2 dozen condoms) + Now the teenager arrives at his girlfriend's house. She tells him that he's +invited to stay for dinner. So he goes in and sits down at the table with all +of her family. The father asks if he'd like to say grace before beginning the +meal. He accepts and says the following: + Teen: Oh Lord, thank you for this food and the hands that made it, and the +people who took the time to grow it and... (goes on for nearly 10 minutes, +blessing EVERYTHING including the table, the silverware, all the containers, the +floor, etc...) ...AMEN. + Girl: Gee, I didn't know that you were really religious. + Teen: Well, I didn't know that your dad was a pharmacist. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + This kid walks into the pharmacy: "I've a hot date tonight, a sure thing, and +my buddies said you could fix me up for it." + "What do you want?" + "Well, it's a hot date, man. A sure thing? You know..." + "What do you want?" + "I need some protection, alright??!?!" + "What size?" + "Size? I dunno... Whatever is considered average I guess." + "That'll be $2.35 including tax." + "Tacks? Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What do you call grit in a condom? +An organ grinder! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Why did the condom fly across the room? +Because it got pissed off. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet which had a +'Tested to British Safety Standards' sign on it... +Underneath someone had scrawled... +'...SO WAS THE TITANIC !!' + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady +pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping +him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please". With a surprised look on her face +the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!" to which the guy replies, "Make +it 100". + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What are the three sizes in which condoms are sold? +Large, medium, and Caucasian. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he +has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. + The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to +bust. The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, that if the man +returns, to follow him. + Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once +more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns. + "So did you follow him?" + "I did." + "And...where did he go?" + "Over to your house..." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What does Kodak and a condom have in common? +You use both to catch those special moments!!! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +When is the best time to wear a condom? +On every conceivable occasion! + + +================================================================================ + +Two gay men are walking along, and are checking out this guy across the street. + "Hey, I know that guy! He's HOT!" + "No shit..." + "Well, hardly any." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +When the next earthquake strikes San Francisco, why will the gay men be the + first to evacuate? +They've already got their shit packed. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Why don't blondes wear mini-skirts in San Francisco ? +Because their balls hang out! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you heard of the three gay guys in San Francisco who stopped a straight + woman on the street? +Well, two held the woman while the third one did her hair. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +If two lesbians and two fags leave New York for San Francisco, who gets there + first? +The lesbians. While they are doing 69, the fags are still packing their shit! + or +The lesbians, who go lickety split while the fags are still packing their shit! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What is the most common phrase uttered in a San Francisco gay bar? +Hi, can I push in your stool? + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Why did the homosexual leave home? +He didn't like the way he was being reared. + +Why did he come back? +He couldn't stand to leave his brother's behind. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What do a bungee jumper and a gay man have in common? +If the rubber breaks, they're both in the shit! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Two condoms were walking along the street, when they passed a gay bar. +The first said to the second: "Want to go in and get shit-faced?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A bartender in a gay bar was getting ready to close for the night when a robber +with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a +stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!" The scared bartender pleads, "Don't +shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the +cash register!" The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a +wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!". The crook takes the money then puts +the gun to the bartender's head and says, "Alright, now give me a blowjob!". +"Anything!", cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!". The bartender starts to +blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun. The bartender +sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells +"Hold the gun, damn it! One of my friends might walk in!". + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What do lesbians like more than Levi Jeans? +Billy Jeans. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear the one about the two lesbians who were building a house together? +There were no studs in the house at all...just tongue and groove! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Liberace was great on the piano +But sucked on the organ + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Three male friends were in a bar one evening bragging about exploits and +abilities. The conversation finally turned to a comparison of genital +endowment. To prove their cases the three men placed said topics of +conversation on the bar for measurement. + Just then, another male patron, who preferred sexual partners of the same +gender, entered the bar and noticed the competition. The bartender asked the +man, "What'll ya have?" + The man replies, "Well, I was going to have a beer but I think I'll have +the buffet instead." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What do you get when you cross a dinosaur and a homosexual? +A megasoreass. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear about the lesbian swimmer who was thrown out of the Olympics? +She kept lapping the other swimmers. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo? +At a straight rodeo, they yell "Ride that sucker." + + +================================================================================ +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Murphy's Laws On Love and Sex + +All the good ones are taken. + +If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to the above law) + +The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you. + +Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant + +The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much + you love them. + +Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position. + +The best things in the world are free - and worth every penny of it. + +Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction. + +Nice guys finish last. + +If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. + +The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her + with no hard feelings. + +Nothing improves with age. + +No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll + never be quite the same again. + +Sex has no calories. + +Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. + +There is no remedy for sex but more sex. + +Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. + +No sex with anyone in the same office. + +Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how + long it is going to last. + +A man in the house is worth two in the street. + +If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. + +Virginity can be cured. + +When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. + and vice versa... + +Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. + +The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she + can't stand years later. + +Sex is dirty only if it's done right. + +It is always the wrong time of month. + +The best way to hold a man is in your arms. + +When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. + +Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. + +Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure. + +The younger the better. + +The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. + +It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the + trouble in the garden. + +Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. + +Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. + +There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But + there is nothing exactly like it. + +Love your neighbor, but don't get caught. + +Love is a hole in the heart. + +If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space + program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. + +Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. + +Do it only with the best. + +Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to + convey its full meaning. + +One good turn gets most of the blankets. + +You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. + +Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. + +It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. + +Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood. + +Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. + +Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. + +Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested. + +A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't. + +What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. + +It is better to be looked over than overlooked. + +Never say no. + +A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. + +Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. + +A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. + +Love comes in spurts. + +Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are + unimportant. + +Don't do it if you can't keep it up. + +There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. + +Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. + +Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. + +"This won't hurt, I promise." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +I just got told this one by a friend who's in the UK. +What does an Essex girl use for protection during sex? +A bus shelter. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth? +Gladiator! (Glad he ate her) + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Do you know what the square root of 69 is? +Ate something (8.xxxxxxx....) + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +But do you know what 6.9 is? +A good thing fucked up by a period. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What is 69 squared? +Dinner for 4. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What is 68? +You do me and I owe you one. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Q. What's the speed limit on sex? +A1. 68. At 69 she'll blow a rod. +A2. 68, at 69 you have to turn around. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What is the meaning of 6.9 for a woman? +69 interrupted by a period! (ouch..gross!) + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A couple went to mass and took confession. The husband went into the +confessional and said "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." + The father asked him the nature of this - to which he replied "While my wife +was bending over the freezer I had lustful thoughts and had my way with her." + The Priest tried explaining that having sex with your own wife was not a sin +and forgiveness was not needed. Still, the man insisted that he felt guilty. +The priest told him to say three Hail Mary's and be on his way. + Next, the wife went into the confessional and said that while she was leaning +over the freezer her husband had had his way with her. The priest asked her how +long she had been married. She replied it was three years now. The priest +tried to explain to her that it was quite proper for married people to have sex +and that there was nothing to be guilty about. Still, the woman insisted that +she felt guilty so the priest told her to say three Hail Mary's and think no +more about it. + As she turned to leave, the woman asked the priest if her and her husband +would be banned from the church. "Banned from the church?! Whatever gave you +that idea?' the priest queried. "Well," she said, "they banned us from the +supermarket!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on +the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm +sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay +fresh." + The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, +he rolls back over and taps his wife again. + This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow +too?." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + These three women were sitting around one night talking about there +boyfriends when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on types +of soda. + The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom "Mountain Dew" because he is as +strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!" + The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce "7-Up" because he has seven +inches and it is always up!" + The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man "Jack Daniels." + The other two women responded: "Jack Daniels? But that's a hard liquor." + The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY LEROY!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he +passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a +moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she +gets mad at me for sucking my thumb." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next day +someone asked him how things had gone. "She uses too many four-letter words for +me," was the reply. "Really?" "Yes," answered the playboy. "All evening long +she was saying "don't" and "stop" and "quit that." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some +preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally +got organized for a leg over. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing. +The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. "Your organ," she replied. +"It's a bit on the small side." Hurt, he replied: "It's not used to playing in +cathedrals." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Some smart looking businessman dude was sitting in a bar drinking a beer one +night when a gorgeous well stacked blonde walked in. She says "For $250, I'll +do anything you want, only you have to describe it in three words or less". He +thinks about this a minute or so, pulls out $250, and says "Paint my house". + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up +whose father. One boy said, "My father is better than your father." + The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother." + The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A man visited a fortuneteller and sat down in front of her crystal ball. "I see +you are the father of two children," she said. "That's what you think," the man +replied. "I'm the father of three children." The fortuneteller smiled and said, +"That's what *you* think." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + For their golden anniversary, a couple decides to repeat their honeymoon +trip. They drive to the Poconos and find the same romantic lodge is still +there. A vibrant young couple, clearly very much in love, is checking in when +they arrive. The husband says "I'll just nip around by their window and see +what they do - we can maybe get some ideas to spice up our 50th year!" + Sure enough, through a crack in the curtains he sees the young couple engaged +in foreplay. They are naked, sitting on the floor some distance apart with +their legs spread. The young man is shooting marbles, aiming to lodge them +between her vertical lips; she is tossing doughnuts, aiming to ring them around +his erect member. After a few minutes of this they rush together and make +tumultuous love. + The old man is quite excited by this idea, and makes his way back to his +eagerly waiting wife. He describes the game, his wife getting more and more +inflamed herself. "Darling, this is going to be so good," she says: "Run right +out for some grapefruit and lifesavers!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful +17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to +Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, +tell me, how was it?" + "Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love +almost every night, we -" + His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost +every night?" + "Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love +Tuesday..." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + This old geezer of 78 marries a girl of 18. The morning after the wedding +night, the girl comes down with a pained expression on her face. + "What's the matter, dear?" asks the woman at the front desk. + "Well," sniffed the girl, "He told me he'd been saving up for 60 years, and +I thought he meant his _money_". + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night +after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the young nymph, +"Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said the old man, "It +means you can take your pick." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + There's this old man in a nursing home and he's hornier than hell. So he +sees this cute nurse and says "How about a quickie for twenty bucks?" + She agrees and gets on top of him. They go at it for about ten minutes. +After the act, the old man says "You know, if I knew you were a virgin, I would +have paid you a hundred bucks." + In reply, the nurse says "If I knew you could get it up that high, I would +have taken off my pantyhose." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded +to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their +wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite +of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got +undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When +he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch +erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs. + Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked "What are those for?" + The elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the +sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? +A bingo machine. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest +daughter walks in. + Child: Mother, where do babies come from? + Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night, +they go into they're room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks +puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's +how you get a baby, honey. + Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room +you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that? + Mom: Jewelry, dear. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies? +Mother: Why, a stork, little Johnny. +Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies? +Mother: A raven, dear. +Little Johnny: Then what kind of bird brings no babies at all? +Mother: A swallow! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Little Johnny had to walk by a whorehouse on his way to school everyday. A +prostitute always sat outside and called out "Hi, Little Johnny!" (while +wiggling your pinky). Johnny asked why she always wiggled her pinky at him. +"Well that's about the size of your privates, isn't it?!?" She laughed at him. + The next day, Johnny walked by and she did it again: (wiggle your pinky) "Hi +Little Johnny" and Johnny said: (put your fingers in your mouth to spread apart +your lips and stretch out your mouth) "How you doing, lady!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the +teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first. + One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven +first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God." + The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He +says: "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love." + "Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's +hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which +part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?" + Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked +him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. + He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my +mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh god, I'm coming!'" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher was teaching the +alphabet. "Okay class, today I'm going to call out a letter. You have to stand +up when I call on you, recite the letter and a word that begins with the +letter. Ready? The first letter is 'A'." + Little Johnny, of course, instantly raises his hand eagerly. + The teacher thinks to herself, "I can't call on Johnny. He'll say 'asshole' +or 'asswipe' or something like that." So she calls on little Susie. + Susie stands up and says, "A. Apple." + "Very good Susie! Okay class, the next letter is 'C'." + Little Johnny again instantly raises his hand in earnest. + Again, the teacher thinks to herself, "I can't call Johnny. He'll say +'cocksucker' or 'cunt' or 'crap' or something like that." So she calls on +little Bart. + Bart stands up and says, "C. Cat." + "Very good Bart!" + Now the teacher starts thinking that if she doesn't come up with something +for Johnny to answer with, she'll go bonkers. Hmmmmm, 'R' doesn't have anything +too nasty? "Ok class, the next letter is 'R'." + Little Johnny hesitates and then raises his hand high as he can. + "Okay Johnny." + Little Johnny stands up and says, "R. Rats." + "Very good Johnny! Ok..." + Johnny blurts out, "BIG FUCKING RATS WITH COCKS THIS LONG!!!!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing +in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, +annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father +caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, +"That's it! No honey for you for one month!" + Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started +catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, +and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!" + Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when +cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on +them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up +to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. + To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, Daddy, or do you want me +to?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The sky was dark +The moon was high +All alone just she and I +Her hair was soft +Her eyes were blue +I knew just what +She wanted to do +Her skin so soft +Her legs so fine +I ran my fingers +Down her spine +I didn't know how +But I tried my best +I started by placing +My hands on her breast +I remember my fear +My fast beating heart +But slowly she spread +Her legs apart +And when I did it +I felt no shame +All at once +The white stuff came +At last it's finished +It's all over now +My first time ever +At milking a cow... + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Warm eyes, wet lips +Gently touch my finger tips + +Soft sighs, silky hair +Longing for me to touch her there + +Her begging eyes +Her whimpering cries + +Urgent needs of one so sweet +Bring me quickly to my feet + +The night is warm, there is no doubt +It's my turn to take the dog out + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex? +During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + An Italian man was walking along a secluded beach one day, when he spotted a +beautiful naked woman lying on the beach. Unable to restrain himself, he +immediately jumped on her and proceeded to hump like a rabid rabbit. + Soon, however, the townspeople came out and began to beat the man, calling +him names. "Bastardo!" "Perverto!" They cried out desperately. + "Perverto? I am-a no perverto!" the man hollered back. + The people responded, "Idiot! Can't you see this woman is-a dead!?". + "Dead?!", he cried. "My God, I thought she was-a English!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Two friends reminiscing over sex... +This woman had a clitoris like a pickle! +What - so big? +No, so sour! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Boyfriend: Do you smoke after sex? +Girlfriend: Dunno, I've never looked. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A poor man told his wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going to +work overseas. So, he took off to Africa. A few years later, he returned. As +he approached his house he got stunned with the luxurious and rich look of the +house. He knocked on the door, the servant opened. + "Is the housewife in?" he asked. + The servant replied: "Just a moment." The wife comes out: + Wife: Wow, my man, all dressed up as a rich man after these years. + Husband: Guess what? I am rich. + Wife: How? + Husband: I went to Africa, found people walk with no underwear and sleep on +sand, so I began to make and sell underwear and beds. Due to the high demand, +I got rich fast. + Wife: A man, with all of your strength, had to go all the way to Africa, +making beds and underwear, to get rich, and I am a little woman that stayed +here, without underwear and on a single bed...I got REAL rich. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +I met this gal in a bar, and one thing lead to another... I said, "Let's go +back to my place." She said, "Oh, do you have cable?" I said, "No, but I have +some old ropes that should hold just fine..." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Two WASPs are making love. Afterward the man says to the woman, "What's the +matter? Didn't you like it?" The woman says, "Of course I liked it. What +gave you the idea that I didn't?" "Well," says the man, "you moved." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + One day, a father and his son were walking in the woods on their way home +when suddenly they came upon two dogs mating in the brush. + "What are they doing, Dad?" asked the small child, staring intently at the +scene before them. "They, um, they're making a puppy" said the boy's father, as +he grabbed his coat and moved him along quickly. + A few nights later, the little boy woke up and got up from his bed to go to +the bathroom. As he walked by his parents' room, he heard strange noises coming +from within. He opened the door and was surprised to see his father on top of +his mother, moving in a strange way. + His father looked up and saw his son - instantly, both mother and father +froze. As the boy's mother grabbed for the sheets to cover herself up, the +father got up and hustled his son out of the bedroom. + "What were you doing to Mom, Dad?" asked the little boy, who still wasn't +sure what he saw. "Your mother and I were, well, we were, ah, trying to make a +baby - you know, maybe a brother or sister for you" said the boy's father, now +confident that this would satisfy his son's curiosity. + "Oh" said the little boy, thinking hard for a minute. "Y'know Dad, when you +go back to bed with mom, turn her over, please - I'd rather have a puppy". + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The difference between a good girl and a nice girl: +A nice girl goes out on a date, goes home, and goes to bed. +A good girl goes out on a date, goes to bed, and then goes home. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of +years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible +compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife +suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill +indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on +his own. + One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could +see at once that something was seriously wrong. + "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. + "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my +penis into the pickle slicer?" + "Oh, Bill, you didn't." + "Yes, I did." + "My God, Bill, what happened?" + "I got fired." + "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" + "Oh...she got fired too." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Your Favorite Color Is The Key To Your Sexual Life + +Red + Tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in +every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is lighted, it may take hours to +extinguish. When two Reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady +Chatterley blush. Lovers of Red tend to be the aggressors and weaker colors +should beware! + +Yellow + If you tend to favor Yellow your sexual drivers are complex and lean toward +the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is Yellow! No don't panic - +not everyone who wears Yellow is gay. In most cases the person will acquiesce +to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex +to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from someone you +enjoy or admire. + +Purple + Lovers of the color Purple frequently consider themselves too regal for a +fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to muss their hair. +Men are businesslike in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes, Purple +partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else's +gratification. + +Black + Black color preferences point to Black sex. These people are the misfits of +the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted +sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people +and often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times. +Police psychiatrists claim that many sex offenders prefer the color Black. And +it is no coincidence that the uniform of monsters and teenaged gangs is Black +attire. + +Green + Those who prefer Green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex. +Women who love Green will make love like virgins all of their life. And a man +may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward, but in a charming and endearing sort +of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one +will never need worry about infidelity. + +Pink + Persons who like Pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters. Women +tend to tease; to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases, they +flaunt their femininity - but because they secretly hate men. A great percentage +of prostitutes boast entire lingerie wardrobes in Pink. Men who like Pink are +philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will take three dates for the +same evening and not keep one; preferring to pick up a dish in some bar, +instead. Women whose husbands like Pink should keep a secret nest egg for when +they are deserted. Pink indicates a tendency to squander money. + +Orange + People who favor Orange tend to have sexual fantasies. The sex act is +regarded as a dramatic role, a one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay +is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings; meaningless +dialogue they feel fits their image. Orange people often do not experience +orgasm, but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner's hair +and women leave red welts on their sex partners back. But the bruises and the +ballyhoo add up to nothing. + +Brown + If you love Brown, you are a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers +tend to be warm and deep. Sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners. +Sex is a 24-hour a day thing to them. They can't say "I Love You" often enough. +Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their +tongue is a turn on to a lover of Brown. They need lots of time and privacy to +make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair. + +Gray + The color Gray is preferred by people who are indecisive. They can't get +excited about anything - including colors - so they choose a noncommittal +shade. Men who prefer Gray look at sex as a means of relieving tension, +(nothing more, nothing less). It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Women who +prefer Gray don't make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons, +to accommodate their mate or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the +bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done. When a Gray marries +another Gray, the marriage is made in heaven. But when teamed with another +color, the Gray spouse considers the color's infidelity a blessing. + +Blue + Lovers of Blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sincere, affectionate and +sensitive to their partners needs. They consider lovemaking a fine art and their +approach is elegant. Men who love Blue are like concert pianists; delicately +ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand. Women in the Blue +category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners, but their passion +might be compared to tidal waves rather than fiery aggression. Both men and +women enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of love-making as much as the sex act +itself. In marriage, a Blue person is a wonderful mate - never failing to please +the spouse and never seeking outside interests. + +White + If a person in infatuated with White, sex often seems dirty. These people +are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in +daylight in unheard of. Women who love White will undress beneath the covers. +Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people will use pet names +for their genitals. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Hi there. I'm a detective. My name is Friday. I work on Saturday. She's my +secretary. A guy walked by my office, I knew he was tall; we're on the seventh +floor. Last week, a woman walked into my office. She pulled out a pair of 45s, +then she pulled out a gun. She invited me to a party that night. As we were +driving to the party, we got a flat tire. I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she +jacked, then we got out and fixed the tire. When we got to the party, everyone +was feeling merry, but Mary had to leave. Then everyone started jumping for +joy, but Joy got a headache...so we left. We went to her place. A rock broke +through the window and hit her in the breast, I broke three fingers. I started +petting her pussy, then her cat walked in. Her husband showed up...told me to +beat it, so I did, then I left. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Hi, my name's Friday. Usually I work on Thursday. She's my secretary. One day +I was dictating to her when a rock crashed into the window, cutting my dick and +her tits. Later on we went to a party that night. On the way we had a flat tire. +I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she jacked, and then we went out to fix the flat +tire. When we finally got there everyone was jumping for joy. Joy was swinging +naked on the chandelier. Things soon quieted down and people were gay and +blowing bubbles. Bubbles didn't mind though, because he was gay anyway. We went +home and as we watched tv I pet her pussy. Her cat walked in and then her +father, who told me to beat it, so I did. Then I left. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +The Dieter's Guide To Weight Loss During Sex + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Activity Calories Burned Activity Calories Burned +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +Removing Clothes: Orgasmic Intensity Scale: +With partner's consent.....12 Shoes flew off...............35 +Without partner's consent.187 Expression didn't change....1/2 + Orchestra swelled.............6 +Unhooking Bra: Birds sang +Using two calm hands........7 Large birds..................7 +Using one trembling hand...36 Small birds..................3 + Earth moved..................30 + +Lifting partner............15 Pulling Out: +Dragging partner on floor..16 After orgasm................1/2 +Using skateboard............3 A few moments before orgasm.500 + +Achieving Erections: Penis Envy: +For normal healthy man....2.5 For woman.....................3 +Losing erection............14 For men......................72 +Searching for it..........115 + Guilt: +Putting On Condom: Despite no formal training, +With erection.............1.5 orgasm comes easily..........53 +Without erection..........300 You're enjoying sex,despite the + fact that other people are +Inserting Diaphragm: starving......................2 +If the woman who does it is Sex on your lunch hour........3 +Experienced.................6 Putting it on expense account.. +Inexperienced..............73 20 +If a man does it..........680 Aggravation: +Add (5) calories for retrieving Partner keeps showing plants..5 +it from across the room. Partner insists on cuddling the + dog during foreplay..........14 + +According To Nationality: Partner visiting bathroom for +Italian- Man on top,woman in 7th time.....................10 +kitchen....................26 Partner taking phone calls....7 +Russian- Woman on bottom, Partner making phone calls...40 +Man getting permission.....55 +American- Both on top......60 Getting Caught: + By partner's spouse..........60 +Side Effects Intercourse: By your spouse..............100 +Bouncing....................7 Trying to explain............55 +Sliding around..............9 Trying to remain calm.......100 +Serious skidding...........12 Leaping out of bed...........75 +Whiplash...................27 Getting dressed in one motion + 500 + Thanking partner quickly......2 +Orgasm: +Real.......................27 +Faked.....................160 + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + At a party, the hostess served a politician a cup of punch and told him it +was spiked. Next, she served some to a minister. "I would rather commit +adultery than allow liquor to pass my lips," he proclaimed. Overhearing this, +the politician poured his punch back and said, "I didn't know we had a choice." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, +however, the laundry always get wet. All the laundry, that is, except for +Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on +the days that it rains. + So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the +line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say, how come when it rains, your +laundry is never out?" + "Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If +his penis is hanging over his *right* leg, I know it's going to be a great day, +and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his *left* leg, I +know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash." + "What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women. + "Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry*." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A bartender has a problem with a regular customer who nightly proclaims that +he's the baddest ass person around. Eventually tiring of this boasting, the +bartender says "If you're such a bad ass, then you'll have to prove it to me." + The customer says "No problem, name it." + The bartender says" Okay, there's three things you have to do: first, there's +this big bully at the end of the bar who's been hassling my customers all night; +you have to kick him out of the bar. Secondly, I have an alligator in the back +room that has had an abcessed tooth for the past week, you have to pull it. +Third, there's a hooker up stairs who's never been satisfied, you have to go up +there and make her come. + The customer replies, "No problem" and commences to kick the bully out of the +bar. After that he says "OK, show me to the alligator." The bartender takes +the man to the back room and shuts the door. + For about an hour there's a tremendous ruckus going on in the back room. The +man eventually emerges with his clothes all torn and his body scratched and +bitten, he goes up to the bartender and says "OK, where's the hooker with the +abcessed tooth?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A little boy and a little girl are playing. The little boy pulls down his +shorts and says, "*I* have one of these and you *don't*." The little girl +starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother. + The next day the boy and the girl are playing together again. Once again the +boy points to his private parts and says, "*I* have one of these and you +*don't*." But the little girl just keeps on playing. + "How come you're not crying today," asks the boy. + "My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with +one of *these*, I can get as many of *those* as I want." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A young couple is living on a farm. One evening a flying saucer lands on the +farm, right next to their house. Out of the flying saucer steps a young Martian +couple, and they look very much like humans. The earth woman invites the +Martians for dinner. They all sit down and start talking. They begin +exchanging ideas and traditions, and they get to liking each other so much that +they decide to switch partners for the night. The farmer and the Martian's wife +go into one of the rooms, and the farmer's wife and the Martian man go into the +other room. + As the Martian man takes off his pants, the farmer's wife looks down and sees +that his phallus is extremely small. "What are you gonna do with that?" she +says. "I'll show you," he says, and proceeds to twist his right ear. Suddenly +his penis extends to a foot and a half. However, it is still only as thick as a +pencil. "That's pretty long," says the woman, "but it's really not very wide." +The Martian then reaches up, twists his left ear, and he becomes as thick as a +huge sausage. They then proceed to have sex. + The next morning, the Martians take off and the farmer and his wife are +having breakfast. + "So, how was it?" asks the farmer. + "It was great," says the wife, "the best sex I've ever had! How was yours?" + "Well," says the farmer, "it was kinda weird. All night long she kept +playing with my ears." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A Martian expedition came to Earth to observe humans. + The alien spacecraft landed in the middle of the Arizona desert, infront of +an old, abandoned gas station. One of the aliens decides to interact with one +of the old gas pumps (confusing it with a human, since it had a round head). + The alien steps forth and asks, "What is your name? Who is your leader? +What do you do here?" The gas pump didn't respond. + The alien gets in his spacecraft and contacts the mother ship to give his +report. The alien says, " I have observed the humans. They are deaf, dumb, and +as a side note, never send a female Martian to explore this planet because they +have dicks so long, they hang them from their ear." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Mrs. Jones goes to see her obstetrician, Dr. Smith. She says, "Dr. Smith, I'm +pregnant again. I need a hearing aid." + Dr. Smith says, "Mrs. Jones, I thought we decided last time that your twelve +children were more than you could handle, and that you should not get pregnant +again. I'm going to give you a powerful contraceptive." + Mrs. Jones replies, "But, doctor, I don't need a contraceptive. I need a +hearing aid." + Dr. Smith: "How come, Mrs. Jones?" + Mrs. Jones: "Well, you see, doctor, I'm kinda hard of hearing. At night, +when the mister and I turn off the lights and go to bed, he asks me, 'Do you +want to go to sleep, or what?' And, I always say, 'What?'" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Little Red Riding Hood is riding through the woods to see her grandmother. As +she enters the woods a birds lands on her shoulder and exclaims "Little Red +Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, please don't go any further. The big bad +wolf says he's going to get you and fondle you. Little Red Riding Hood +disregards the bird's warning and proceeds even further into the woods. A +little bit later, a squirrel catches her attention and cries "Little Red Riding +Hood, please don't go any further! The big bad wolf is going to get you and +fondle you!" Little Red Riding Hood responds with mocking laughter and +continues on into the woods. Some time later, a fox comes bounding out of the +woods hollering for Little Red Riding Hood to turn back. "Little Red Riding +Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, please please don't go any further. The big bad +wolf is just up ahead. He's going to get you and fondle you!" Little Red +Riding Hood blows him off as she did the others and rides on. A few moments +later, the big bad wolf makes his promised appearance. He leaps out of the +woods growling menacingly "Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, I'm +going to get you and fondle you!" Little Red Riding Hood nonchalantly reaches +into her knapsack, pulls out a pistol, looks the wolf squarely in the eyes and +says "no you're not, you are going to eat me like the story says." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +It seems that mathematics isn't so impeccable after all! Especially when it +comes to sex! Here are some mathematical truisms that didn't quite hold up! + +If you are having sex with TWO women and ONE more woman walks in, what do you + have? +Divorce proceedings, most likely. + +If you have two friends and six women, how many women do each of your friends + get? +None. + +Is three an odd number? +Not in this day and age. + +If a 6-inch penis can attract 10 women, how many women can an 18-inch penis + attract? +Two billion. + +If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and you wife wants to have + 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get? +8 hours, 59 minutes - who cares what she wants! + +How are math and sex the same? +I don't get either one. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? +Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What do you do in case of fallout? +Put it back in and take shorter strokes! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What did Adam say to Eve? +You'd better stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's old wrinkled and smells like Ginger Rogers? +Fred Astair's face. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Why do women have two holes so close together? +In case you miss. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's natural dental floss? +Pubic hair. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Two teachers are talking in the hallway. +"I hear you're teaching Ivanhoe this term in English class" +"Yes, They weren't allowed to teach that book when I was in school" +"Why not?" +"Too much Saxon Violence" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Max and Ernie are playing racquetball at the local gym. As they are changing +clothes in the locker room Max takes off his T-shirt and shorts. He is wearing +a bra and a lace garter belt. "My God," says Ernie, "when did you start wearing +women's underwear?" "Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +...as Benny Hill once said: "Did you ever notice that everyone in favor of birth +control has already been born?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout? +When he eats his first Brownie. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's better than a rose on your piano? +Tulips on your organ + +What's worse than a dead dog on your piano? +A diseased pussy on your organ. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid? +When you open her legs the lights go on + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Two storks on a nest: a father stork and baby stork. Baby is crying and +crying, and father stork is trying to calm him. + "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people +babies and making them happy." + The next night, it's fathers turn to do the job. "Son, your father will be +back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies." + A few days later. The stork parents are desperate: their son is gone from +the nest all night! Finally, short before dawn, he returns and the parents ask +their son where he had been all night. + Says the baby stork: "Aww, just scaring the shit out of college kids!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Entry in young woman's diary : + + Monday : Went out with John tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get +too friendly. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still my best +friends. + Tuesday : Went out with Peter tonight. We were in his car and he tried to +get too friendly also. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still +my best friends. + Wednesday : Went out with Jock tonight. I like Jock. We were in his car and +he tried to get too friendly. I didn't get out and walk away. Even the best of +friends must part! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's green and eats nuts +Herpes!. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +"I know a girl that doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't swear, goes to bed +early, and isn't thinking about sex all the time." "Hey, that's great." "Yes, +I know, and, you know, tomorrow she'll be five years old." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What does American beer and making love in a small rowing-boat have in common? +They are both fucking close to water! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What is the similarity between British Telecom and Elton John? +They have both been fucked by Mercury. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + There are three people in a pub. Two of them are talking to each other. +They seem to be brooding. So they ask each other why they are brooding. + The first one says : "Well, I think it's because I have sex only once every +month." + Then the second one replies : "Oh, that's true". In my case, it's only once +every other month". + Then, they both look at the third guy, who seems to be very cheerful. They +are puzzled, so they ask him how often he has a screw. + "Once every six monthes" says the fellow. + "Then", ask the first, "why are you so happy?" + And the third replies "Because it's tonight !!!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in an airplane. All of a +sudden, the man sneezes powerfully. He takes out his handkerchief, opens his +zipper, takes out his Willy and after having carefully wiped it, puts it back in +and closes the zipper. + The woman is shocked - but she thinks it wiser not to say anything and tries +not to pay any attention whatsoever to this horrifying man. + Then there is a second sneeze, as loud as the first one. And the same +routine: Zipper open, Willy out, Wiping, Willy in and Zipper close. That nearly +makes the woman sick but she just tries to ignore the whole thing. + After the third sneeze (and the routine) she cannot help but ask: "Excuse me, +Sir, but you have now sneezed three times. And after each time you have taken +out your penis and wiped it. May I inquire why?" + "Oh, you see Ma'am. Every time I sneeze, I get an orgasm." + "But that's awful! What do you take for it?" + "Pepper," answers the man. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Victor, after a long, hard days work, decides he needs some relaxation, so he +goes to his local brothel. He enters and finds the madam. As it's the busiest +time of the day, there is only one girl left, who is Chinese and doesn't know a +word of English. + "I'll take her," he says desperately, as he is also in a hurry. + So they proceed upstairs and get down to business. As Victor is going full +whack, the girl begins to shout out "Sung wa! Sung wa!" To which Victor assumes +that this means great, fantastic, etc, so he continues unperturbed. + The following day he as at a golf meeting with a wealthy, prospective Chinese +client, and is trying to impress him in any way he can. Just then, the client +T's off and gets a whole in one. This gives Victor the opportunity to use his +newly found Chinese phrase... "Sung wa! Sung wa!" he proclaims, to which the +client replies, "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge +rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and +fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps +the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it. +You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop +your trousers, bend over, and I'll [insert appropriate colloquial for sodomy +here]." The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his +trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do. + After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and staggers +back into town. He's pretty mad. He buys a much larger gun and returns to the +forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the +bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, +"You know what to do." + Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys +a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, +and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back. When +the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says, "You're not doing this +for the hunting, are you?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A woman walked up to her husband and, out of the blue, hit him. He said, "What +was that for?" She said, "Poor bed partner!" He thought about that for a few +days, then he hit her. She said, "What was that for?" He said, "For knowing +the difference!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine Sex. Sex has +been embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told +the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex; he said he would like one too. +Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. +Then I said, "You don't understand. I have had Sex since I was 9 years old." +He said I must have been quite a kid. When I got married and went on my +honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my +wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place +was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The +clerk said, "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the +competition began, the dog ran away and a contestant asked me why I was standing +there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He +told me that I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I +said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off. When my wife and I +separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your +Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told +him that after I was separated, Sex left me. He said "Me too." Last night, Sex +ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to +me and asked me, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning." I +said, "I am looking for Sex." My case comes up on Friday. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was +reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says +to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female +achieves orgasm?" + She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it." + He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay." He then gets up and walks out, +leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. + About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, +"Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always +squealing, how can I tell?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Three guys are driving down the road and their car breaks down, so they went +to a farmer's house and asked if they could stay for the night. The farmer said +okay but someone has to sleep with the chickens, someone has to sleep with the +cows, and someone has to sleep with his 18 daughters. So one slept with the +chickens, one with the cows, and one with his 18 daughters. + The next day, one said that he felt like he was a chicken, the other said +that he felt like a cow, and the third said he felt like golf ball. The farmer +asked why he felt like a golf ball, to which the man replied that if you were in +and out of 18 holes in one night, you would feel like one too. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What did the banana say to the vibrator? +What are you shaking for? I'm the one she's going to *eat*! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Lady goes to buy a pet. In store, sees a frog in a rosewood box, asks for +the price. + "This frog is worth $4000, madam." + "WHAT? Why is it so expensive?" + "Well, you see, it specially trained to perform cunnilingus." + "I see... I'll take it." + So she takes the frog home, showers, puts on a silk gown, perfume, and opens +the box on the bed. The frog doesn't perform; she calls the shop. I'll be +right over, says the shopowner. Moments later, the shopowner sees the problem, +and tells the frog: "ALL RIGHT NOW, Look hard, it's the LAST TIME I'LL show you! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the ultimate in rejection? +When you're masturbating, your hand falls asleep. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Lawyer : Well Mr.Mouse, I don't really think that your wife Minnie having +bucked teeth is sufficient grounds for divorce. + Mickie : Who mentioned bucked teeth? I said she was fucking goofy. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the connection between a soya been and a vibrator? +Both are meat substitutes + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband +is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do +about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might +do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and +come back in the morning and tell her what happened. + The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill +worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist +what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she +doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. + The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the +therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would +happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to +go ahead and try it. + The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that +the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband +the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an +experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person. +Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle +of pills in the husband's morning coffee. + A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the +dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?" + "Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?" + "Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sittin' in +the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the +sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge +chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, an anthropologist, and a +family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set +up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires +and such. While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, +the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. +He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he +told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any +idea why the birth rate was so high. "Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning +the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes +everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early +to get up." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A woman is nearly caught with her lover when her husband comes home early. +To hide her lover, she puts him in the closet. While in the closet, the lover +soon learns that he is not alone. The breathing he hears belongs to, he +discovers, the woman's young son. + "Gee, it's dark in here, sir," said the boy. + "Geez, kid, please shut up," replied the nervous man. + "Well, mister, I think I'm gonna scream." + "Please, kid, don't scream." + "Can I have some money?" asked the boy. + "Well, here, here's five dollars, it's all I've got." + The boy, sensing that the man was lying, pressed on. + "I really feel like screaming." + "No, kid, look, here's fifty dollars, just don't scream." + "Well, I don't know" + "Here's the last of my money, just don't scream." + The boy, satisfied, agreed to be quiet. Later, he went with his mother to a +store where a brand new bike was on sale. When he tried to buy it with his +new-found cash, his mother became suspicious of the source of this money. + So, being a "good" Christian, she took him in to see the local pastor in +confession. + "Gee," said the boy, not used to being in the confessional, "it sure is dark +in here." + "Don't start that with me again," said the priest. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A man and a woman are getting it on in bed when they hear the front door +open. The woman says, "It's my husband! You'd better hide." + She throws his clothes under the bed and he hides behind the curtains. Her +husband comes in, sees her all hot and sweaty, and the sheets all messed up. He +looks around, and sees a big bulge in the curtains, and a pair of feet sticking +out underneath. He whips the curtains open, and says, "Who the hell are you?" + The man says, "I'm the moth inspector." + The husband says, "Moth inspector? Why are you naked?" + The man looks down and says, "Damn. I'm too late." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the +avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady +walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give +$50.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young +lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on +that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his +companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment. The +following morning, the man presented her with $25.00 as he prepared to leave. +She demanded the rest of the money, stating: "If you don't give me the other +$25.00, I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying: "I'd like to see you get it +on these grounds." + The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his +presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and +explained the details of the case. His lawyer said: "She can't possibly get a +judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her +case will be presented." + After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as +follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, +a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she +agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of +$50.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for +the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid +only $25.00, one-half the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since +it is restricted property, and we ask judgement be granted against the defendant +to assure payment of the balance." The defendant's lawyer was impressed and +amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore, +was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your +honor," he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, +that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived +from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around +which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor +performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were +sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately +compensated for rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgement not +be granted." The young lady's lawyer answered thusly: "Your honor, my client +agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the +defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the +property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, +pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only +dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than +it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to +others. We, therefore, ask that judgement be granted." + And it was. She won the case... + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Private Weston was stationed in Arabia during Desert Storm in a fairly isolated +location in the desert. After a couple of weeks without seeing a single woman, +he inquired to his sergeant about some leave to get some action. "Well, hell +boy, just use the camel, like everyone else.", the sergeant replied. Private +Weston looked at the smelly animal, drooling all over the place. "What do you +think I am, some sicko pervert?" he says. The sergeant just shrugs, "Suit +yourself." A couple of weeks pass by. And the pressure is just a-building in +the loins of private Weston. He again approaches his sergeant. "Serg, you just +gotta give me some leave or I'm gonna bust." The sergeant says, "Look boy I +told ya, if you want some action, go use the camel. Weston goes over to the +camel. He walks behind it and sees all the fleas and dirt surrounding the +camel's butt. "Nope, still not that desperate", he says to himself and walks +away. More weeks go by and Private Weston once again approaches his sergeant. +Before he can speak, the sergeant yells, "Look Weston, I'm not telling you +again. Either use the camel or forget it!" Chastised, Private Weston goes to +the camel. "Well at least its a large, furry, female mammal", he thinks. He +walks behind the camel and goes at it. After he's done, the sergeant walks up +to him, visibly shaken and says, "Look, man, the others use the camel to ride +into town and pick up girls." He was promoted to Colonel a week later. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A 7 year old girl barges into the bathroom where her father is having a +shower. + "Daddy, daddy, what's that", she said pointing at his genitalia. + "Oh, uhhmm, it's a... hedgehog!", he embarrassingly replied. + "Well, it's got a hell of a big dick", she snapped back. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A little kid goes up to his mother who is lying in the bath naked, and asks +her: "Mummy...whasat??" + His mother thinks for a little while and then says: "Oh, son...that's my +hedgehog." And the little boy walks away quite happy with the reply. + The next week, he walks into the bathroom and sees his wrinkly old grandma +lying naked in the bath. He asks her what she had between her legs, and again +she tries to explain that it's a hedgehog. + The little kid then runs screaming to his mother and shouts: "Mummy, Mummy, +Grandma's hedgehog is dead!" + "Why do you say that son?" + "Because I could see it's guts hanging out all over the place!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + The day befor Thanksgiving this little boy heard his mom and dad fighting. + The husband said to his wife, "You stupid bitch, you have floppy tits." + She wasn't about to be outdone and said, "Well you have a crooked dick, you +bastard." + Well, the little boy heard every word they said. After they got done +fighting, he went up to the mom and asked her what bitches and bastards were. +She told him that they were people. Then he asked what crooked dicks and floppy +tits were. She told him that they were coats and hats. The little boy accepted +both answers and went on his way. + The next day, they were getting ready for a huge feast with friends and +family. The little boy went up stairs where his dad was shaving. The dad cut +himself and said "Shit!" Well once again, the boy started asking questions and +asked what 'shit' was. The father told him that it was "shaving cream". The +boy accepted this answer and went downstairs were his mom was stuffing a turkey. +When the mom cut herself with a knife, she said "Fuck!" The boy once again +asked what 'fuck' was. She told him that it was "stuffing". About that time, +the door bell rang. + When the little boy went to answer the door, it was his grandparents. Upon +opening the door, the little boy said: "Hi bitches and bastards. Let me take +your crooked dicks and floppy tits for you. Dad's upstairs putting shit on his +face and mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Snow White has been thrown out of Fairyland. She was caught sitting on +Pinnocchio's face shouting, 'Lie you little sod, lie!!' + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A woman gets up, puts up the shade, takes the cover off the parrot's cage, makes +coffee, and has a cigarette. Suddenly the phone rings. Her boyfriend is coming +over. She puts out the cigarette, pulls down the shade, puts the cover back on +the parrot's cage, and gets back into bed. The parrot, from under the cloth: +"Well that was a short fuckin' day!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A man went into the bar. He said to the barman, "I want to celebrate my first +blow job, so give me a double whiskey." So he drank it straight down. He then +ordered 2 more, then another 2 and then another 2 again... The barman asked, +"you sure you've had enough?" The man replied, "just enough to take the taste +away." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What do you call a man with a 1-inch prick? +Justin + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Madge had been lonely for many years after her husband's death. She decided +she wanted to get married again. But, she didn't know any eligible men. So +she decided to put an ad in the newspaper. The ad contained three criteria: + + 1. The man would not beat her. (like her previous husband) + 2. The man would not run around on her. (like her previous husband) +AND 3. The man was good in bed. + + The day after the ad ran, Madge's doorbell rang. When she answered the +doorbell, she found a man in a wheelchair. She asked the man if she could help +him and he said he was there to respond to the ad. Madge asked the man what ad +he was talking about. He said the ad for the Husband. Then Madge told him that +there were specific needs in the ad. The man in the wheelchair replied: + + 1. Look at me, I have no arms, so I can't beat you. + 2. I have no legs, so I can't run around on you. + + Madge replied, "But there was one more important criterium the ad." The man +in the wheelchair then asked: "How do you think I rang the doorbell?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + I was talking to my wife about the current financial situation and how she +would have to make cutbacks... + Me: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without +the ironing lady. + She: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the the +gardener. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +A girl was in the shower she saw her mom's tits, and she asked when she would +get some like hers. The mom replied that when she was 16, she would get tits. +Later that day the girl took a shower with her dad. She asked what his penis +was, and he told her that it was a dick. The girl paused asking her dad when +she would get a dick, and the dad answered as soon as your mother left! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What comes one a day? +The mail. +What comes twice a day? +The mailman when the husband is away! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +How can you tell if your girlfriend is horny? +You stick your hand down her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's the definition of a sadist? +Someone who's kind to a masochist. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What do toys and womens breasts have in common. +They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with them. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from +around the neighborhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and +proceeds to pee in the toilet. Well, Bubba was rather well endowed and +curiosity got the best of the husband and he just had to look. Sure enough, +Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!! + The man asked Bubba, "I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your dick +get that big? I couldn't help but notice..." + Bubba laughed and said, "Every night before bed, I bang it on the bedpost 3 +times. Heck, it impresses the girls at school!" + The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly +wait to try it himself! Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it +out and banged it on the bedpost three times. He was just climbing into bed +with newfound confidence when the wife sits up, half-asleep and rubbing her +eyes, and says, "Bubba, is that you?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support for a lifetime. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Found written on a restroom wall once: +Life sucks, but then again so does you girlfriend! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What does a woman and a airplane have in common? +A cockpit + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Various Ways To Say "Having Sex" + +Bang +Be the rug doctor +Beaver shooting +Been ridin' broomsticks since she was fifteen +Bend her over and load her like a shotgun +Bit-o-the-ol'-in-out +Bite the bearded clam +Bob the knob +Boink +Bone Smuggling +Bopping +Bottom knockin' +Bounce the Brillo +Break her open like a shotgun +Buff the helmet +Buffing +Bumping uglies +Bury the hatchet +Butter her muffin +Carpet munching +Check her oil +Clean the carpet +Come to my bed and let's practice parallel parking +Cuttin' a slice +Dance the buttock jig +Dent the egg +Dip your wick +Do it +Do the horizontal mambo +Do the Wild Thing +Doing it +Doing the nasty +Dueling Bedsprings +Eat at the Y +Feed the bear +Fenorking +Fit pipe +Flat Dancing +Fooling around +Fuck +Get a leg over +Get your bone honed +Get your noodle wet +Gettin' Busy +Getting you ashes hauled +Getting your bunny boiled +Getting your canoe shellacked +Getting your horns filed +Getting your weiner wet +Give her the time +Giving her a pearl necklace +Go like a rat up a rhododendron +Goin' horizontal +Hammerin' +Hawaiian Muscle Fuck (titty-fuck) +He hasn't had his tires rotated in months +Hide and shriek +Hide the HotDog +Hide the sausage +Hiding the salami +Hobble +Hose +I wanna bust that body +I'm having lunch at the Y. It's a box lunch - furburgers! +I'm so horny the crack of dawn isn't safe +Lay cable +Lay pipe +Lay the hen +Let's go "Whale some babes"! +Make it +Man, I'd fuck her like a tied yard-dog +Muff dive +Negotiate the forested chasm +Park his car in her garage +Pin her legs back like a Safeway chicken +Play hide the salami +Playing doctor +Poke the yolk +Poking the sushi +Poking the whisker biscuit +Pop you c==k +Pump +Put his snake through her grass +Ride the skin bus into Tuna town +Ring the cash register +Romping +Rope a poke +Saturate the ferrod +Screw +Sharpen the pencil +She hasn't had her ticket punched since Ike carried his own golf clubs +Sink the Pink +Slam her clam +Slam some Ham +Slice the muffin +Slip her the hot beef injection +Slip her the tubesteak! +Slip her the whale +Slip the Salami +Snake her +So horny I have to stand on my hands to pee +Some nookie-nookie honey +Splooge, spunk, gack, splooey +Stoke her yoke +Strop one's beak +Stuff her muff +Stuff the bunny +Swallow the swan +Tame her shrew +Tap your tailpipe +The beast with two backs +The nasty +Tube steak boogie +Varnish one's cane +Wax your candle +Work the hairy oracle + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What is the difference between a hen and a prostitute? +One says cock-ka-doodle-do and the other says any cock will do. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or +lake, paying no attention to weather. + One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was +cold and raining, and he decided to return back to his house. He came in, went +to his bedroom, undressed and layed near his wife. + "What a terrible weather today, honey." he said to her. + "Yes. And my idiot went fishing!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A young boy asks his Grandmother how old she is, to which she replies "That's +none of your business." + So he asks her how much she weighs and again she replies "thats none of your +business." + So he asks her why she and Grandpa sleep in separate bedrooms. Grandma gets +angry at this point and sends him off to play. + The boy goes straight to his Grandpa and explains what happened and his +grandpa tells him that Grandmothers are like that, but if he really wants to +know to, sneak a peak at her drivers license in her purse. + Later, the little boy approaches Grandma and says "I know that you are 64 +years old, weigh 147 pounds, and that the reason you don't sleep with Grandpa is +because you got an "F" in 'Sex'!!! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A woman answers the door to a market researcher. + "Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at +all in your household?" + "Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns." + "Do you use it for anything else?" + "Like what?" + "Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex." + "Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids +out." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +From The Economist: + + France's greatest lexicographer, Emile Littre', was once found by his wife, +in flagrante, and in the conjugal bedroom at that, with their housemaid. + Happily, the exchange that followed makes sense almost as well in English as +in French. + "Emile," cried Mrs Littre', "I am surprised!" "No, my dear," replied the +erring lexicographer calmly. "You are astonished. It is we who are surprised." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't +so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he +decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife +picked up the phone. + "What took you so long to answer?" + "I was in bed." + "What were you doing in bed this late?" + "Getting a second opinion." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + One day, an old French sausage maker whose sausages were renowned worldwide +decided the time had come for him to retire, but as the business had been in his +family for generations and wanted to keep it so, he was keen his not too bright +only son and heir take over the running. + When his son came home, he announced to him, "Son, the time has come for you +to take over the running my business, the business that has been in this family +for generations. Come, I have some things to show you," and with that led his +son across the courtyard to the place where he undertook his work. The son +looked around the room and found a number of strange machines, ranging from the +very old to the very modern. + His father led him to the oldest machine and started to explain: + "Son, this machine was invented by your Great-Grandfather, MY Grandfather. +With this machine, he would put an ass in this end, and two hundred sausages +would come out the other end. These sausages were renowned throughout the whole +of Paris!" + And with that he led his son on to the second more modern machine and +continued with his explanation: + "This machine here was invented by your Grandfather, MY father himself. With +this machine he would put an ass in this end, and two thousand sausages would +come out the other end. These sausages were renowned throughout the whole of +Provence!" + He next led his son to the third most modern machine: + "This machine was invented by your own father, yes, me myself. With this +machine I can put a ass after ass in this end and the sausages keep coming out +the other end in their millions. These sausages are renowned worldwide." + He then turned to his son, "So, you see, as well as taking over the running +of the business, you must make your mark of generation by inventing your own +machine." + The son then took stock of the task and proceeded to think long and hard +about what machine he could come up with to make his mark on the family +business. Finally, after quite some time the son piped up, "Papa, I have an +idea. How about if I make a machine where you put a sausage in one end, and an +ass comes out the other." + His father in disgust of the idea slapped his son saying, "You stupid boy, +such a machine already exists - it's your mother!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +CEO document contents: + +Document Reference: IPA/IN/666 Issue: Draft 42 Date: 15/04/83 No of Pages 4. +Author(s): Kurt Jenner Status: Definitive + +Summary: +This IN describes the "API Contracept Strategy" which is the exact Converse of +the "IPA Intercept Strategy." Various contracept methods are described, and it +is concluded that an "Exocept" (Counter Contracept) Strategy may be based on a +recognition of these. + +1. Introduction + ------------ + +The IPA Intercept Strategy has been widely publicized. It also appears that many +other organizations are taking a similar approach to OSI Standardization. +However, it has been discovered that some organizations are also practising the +converse of this: the API (Active Prevention of Inter-working) Contracept +Strategy. This little known strategy is operated secretly but most effectively, +and the purpose of this IN is to bring some of its method out into the open +where they can be recognized for what they are. + +2. The Conception + -------------- + +The development of International Standards can be likened to the events of +conception, pregnancy and birth. At the outset, the decision to produce a +standard is made. There then follows frantic activity during which many +organizations compete to develop the standard. An International Standard can +usually trace many ancestors in its genes. Eventually the standard is born and +is given a name, which is generally quite prosaic but interestingly is always +called after the mother. The gestation period of an International Standard +depends on its mother and may be up to 5 years. + +Many organizations develop their own standards, but the chief International ones +are ISO, CCITT, ECMA and ANSI. The prime focus for OSI Standardization, ISO +(Internecine Strife Organization), sees the effect of both Intercept and +Contracept Strategies; it is not accidental that "ISO" is "OSI" backwards. One +body that is very effective in getting its own way is CCITT (Comit'e pour +Conformance aux Ide'es T'el'ephiniques Totale). However, ECMA (Effective +Contracept Methods Association), provides an excellent counter to CCITT +activities. ANSI (American Nexus for Sub-committees In-fighting) finds itself +in the middle of opposing CCITT-like and ECMA-like views. + +3. Methods + ------- + +3.1 Sterilization + ------------- + +The intention here is to prevent rival organizations from producing any useful +ideas. As a rule this only delays rather than prevents effective output, but +time is of the essence in Standardization work. Sterilization methods require +attendance at rival organization meetings. Some techniques used are: + +- bogging down the meeting by discussing trivia and causing diversions onto +irrelevant topics. + +- introducing contributions from other organizations and insisting that they be +evaluated for consistency with the work of the organization itself. + +- sending enough people to the meeting to ensure that promising ideas are voted +down. + + +3.2 Abstinence + ---------- + +This method aims to ensure the involuntary absence of rival organizations from +important meetings. This is generally not a reliable method, but is practised +because of its unsettling side-effects. Its techniques include: + +- holding meetings in inconvenient places (e.g. on the other side of the world) + +- choosing meeting times to clash with those of rival organizations. + +3.3 Rhythm Method + ------------- + +This method is widely practised, but is not effective for contracept purposes on +its own. The essence of it is that regular attendance (hence the name) is made +at the meetings of rival organizations. The result is insinuation into the +organization so that its members forget that the insinuator is an outsider. The +ultimate success of the Rhythm Method is being appointed as Secretary (which is +a good position to be in if facts or views have to be distorted) or even as +Chairman. + +3.4 Withdrawal + ---------- + +This is a very risky contracept tactic and requires considerable courage. The +principle is to withdraw totally from a discussion which is leading to contrary +ideas. If done properly, it not only undermines the confidence of the others in +the idea being debated, but also gives the "agent-provocateur" a chance to sow +the seeds of dissension elsewhere in other sub-groups. + +3.5 The Sheath + ---------- + +The SHEATH (System for Harassment of Enemies and Tying their Hands) is +reasonably reliable if used properly. When attempts to prevent a rival +organization from developing and bringing its own ideas to a meeting have been +unsuccessful, then various methods of frustrating effective delivery of these +ideas are available: + +- ensuring that the rival organization does not get a fair hearing (it helps to +be Chairman of the meeting !) + +- splitting the meeting into more sub-groups than there are members attending +from the rival organizations so that their contributions are dissipated. + +3.6 The Cap + ------- + +As a fall-back position it is possible to use the CAP (Competitor Annihalation +Programme), although it must be applied only after the situation has been +carefully sized up. The intention is to ensure that competitive ideas, although +properly presented, fall on deaf ears. To arrange this takes real skill, but +some ploys are: + +- lobbying people before the meeting to make sure that their minds are already +made up + +- diminishing the status of contributions by contriving that they are given as +individual rather than organization positions + +- arranging for rival contributions to be made just after lunch or as late as +possible (once again, being Chairman helps!) + +3.7 The IUD + ------- + +IUD (Insidious Undermining of Discussion) methods come into play when, despite +all endeavours described above, a rival idea has taken root. The best option in +this case is to cause so much confusion that the idea is swamped and forgotten. +The techniques of Sterilization (section 3.1) are relevant here although in a +different context, but some specialized IUD tactics are: + +- querying definitions and terminology with a view to ensuring that everyone +doubts that he understands what anyone is talking about + +- quibbling over editorial niceties and getting the original ideas lost in a +discussion of their form not their content. + +3.8 The Pill + -------- + +The PILL (Permanent Interference with Likely Leaders) is the summation of all +the contracept methods described in previous sections. It is very demanding to +sustain this, but more importantly not to get caught doing it. However, as the +very lack of recognition of contracept techniques demonstrates, the PILL can be +employed effectively and indetectably over a long period of time. + +One particular development of the PILL demands description. This is the +Morning-After PILL, which is administered after the event if all else has +failed. No reliable method has been found of frustrating an idea once it has +been accepted, but research into this possibility is continuing. + +4. The Contracept Strategy + ----------------------- + +The Contracept Strategy may be applied at three levels. First of all, it may be +used against competitive developments' at an early stage. Secondly, it may be +used to make others aware of the problem and help defeat it. Finally, it may be +used to make sure that rival ideas are not brought to fruition. This culminates +in a triple contracept. It is analogous to deciding which horse should lose, +backing against it and nobbling it. + +5. Conclusion + ---------- + +This document has aired some of the methods of the Contracept Strategy. By +doing so, it is hoped that it has brought this subterfuge to light and may form +the basis of an Exocept (counter-contracept) Strategy. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Ike, Mike and Mustard were on a weekend outing staying at The Olde Log Inn +resort. Mustard decided to take a nature hike and ended up missing for two +days. When he turned up in the local infirmary literally beaten to a pulp Ike +and Mike rushed to see what had happened. According to Mustard, he had gotten +lost. After wandering around for what seemed like hours he finally spotted a +parked car with what appeared to be people in the back seat. Unfortunately, the +last thing he remembers was sticking his head through the window and asking "How +far is The Olde Log Inn?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A man and his girl friend wanted to engage in passionate sex for the first +time. He pulled off his socks. + "What happened to your toes?" she asked. + "Tolio" he said, as he pulled off his pants. + "What happened to your knees?" + "Kneesles" he said. + He took off his underwear. + She said: "Don't tell me, smallpox, right?" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A guy and a girl are in bed, screwing, when he says to her, "Turn over. I +want to fuck you up the ass." + "You want to fuck me up the ass?" she repeats, unbelievingly. "Isn't that a +little presumptuous?" + "Presumptuous?" he counters. "Isn't that a big word for a seven-year-old? + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you know that 60% of all women are battered? +And I've been eating plain all this time! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What is the similarity between cunnilingus and the Mafia? +One slip of the tounge and you are in deep shit. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +George Burns is a guest on the Oprah Winfrey Show. + +Oprah: George, you're around 90 years old, and you still have women hanging all + over you. What's your secret? + +Burns: Well, Oprah, I'm simply the greatest lover in the world, and once a + woman finds that out, she refuses to let me go. + +Oprah: Seriously, George... do you spoil them with lavish presents for being + your sex toys? I mean, I can't imagine a man of your age being the + world's greatest lover! + +Burns: I am serious, Oprah... in fact, if you don't believe me, stop by my + dressing room after the show and I'll show you first hand. + +Oprah: Ok, you're on. + +After the show, Oprah stops by George's dressing room and they start to go at +it. Oprah is having the time of her life, and George is really living up to his +claim. After about two hours, George stops pumping... + +Burns: Listen, Oprah, I've gotta take a nap for a while, but if you keep both + of your hands wrapped around my dick, I'll wake up soon and we can go at + it again. + +So she does, and after about a half hour George wakes up and they start going at +it again. A while later, after Oprah's fourth orgasm, George takes another +breather and again says: + +Burns: Oprah, Oprah, you're holding up great, and I want to keep giving it to + you, but I've gotta take another nap. Hold my dick with both your + hands, and when I wake up, we can go at it again. + +Oprah: Oh, George, you really are the greatest lover in the world, and I can + understand why a man your age would need to take a break now and then, + but I don't understand why I need to keep both hands on your dick while + you're sleeping. + +Burns: That's easy, babe... the last time I had sex with a black girl in my + dressing room, she stole my wallet while I was asleep. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Two elderly ladies are sitting on the porch in their rockers just talking +'girl' talk. + Emma: My word Matilda! You and Johnny were married for quite some time. +How many years was that anyway? + Matilda: Oh, we were married for 65 wonderous years. + Emma: My-oh-my-oh-my! But can you tell me in all that time did you two ever +have mutual orgasm? + Matilda: I don't think so. I believe we had State Farm. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Sex is a misdemeanor; the more I miss, the meaner I get! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear about the "day after" pill for men? +It changes their blood type. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +I'm such a lousy lover... One day, I caught a peeping tom booing me! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Ya know...I always look for inner beauty in a woman. Once inner...BEAUTY! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear about the new course you can take at school? +Intercourse, you go between periods and you are expected to come. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you know there are four different types of orgasms? They are: + The positive orgasm: "Oh yes, Ohh yesss, OH YESSSS!" + The negative orgasm: "Oh no, Ohh nooo, OH NOOO!" + The spiritual orgasm: "Oh god, Ohh goddd, OH GODDD!" + The fake orgasm: "Oh Steve, Ohh Steeeve, OH STEEEEEEEEVE!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with her 6 male friends? +She came home with a red snapper. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A pleasure boat captain leased out his craft and services to an old and +affluent man and his young, very beautiful mistress. As misfortune would have +it, a storm wrecked the boat and stranded the three of them on some far away +island. The island was quite small and had only one tree which was often used +to look-out for passing ships. + The cramped quarters on the island made it very difficult for the captain to +pursue the young mistress. Even if the old man was on look out, there was no +cover for him to take her and have his way. She had already expressed her +desire to comply, but they could never get away from the view of the old man. + Finally, the captain gets an idea. The next time he is in the tree on look +out, he shouts down to the couple below, "Hey, stop having sex down there!" The +next day, he does the same thing. "Hey, stop having sex down there!", he says. + This continues for a couple of more days until the old man takes watch. As +soon as the old man is up the tree, the captain makes his move with the +mistress. The old guy sees what's going on below and thinks to himself, "Gee, +from up here, it does look like they're having sex." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + There are three kinds of sex in a marriage. + The first is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll +have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, in the kitchen. + The second kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, +you gotta do it in the bedroom. + The third kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the +hallway and say "Fuck you." + There is also a fourth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get +divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +For those of you about to become first time fathers, you should know something +that us old pros do: there are three stages of sex with your mate during +pregnancy. + +During the first trimester, you do it regular style. +During the second trimester, you do it doggie style. +During the last trimester, you do it wolf style. +"What the heck is wolf style?", you ask. +That's when you sit by the hole and howl! + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +From a list of statistics in the September issue of Glamour Magazine... + +1. Most marriages occur in June. The least number of marriages occur in + January. +2. If you are 18 and over, you have a 64% chance of marrying. +3. Men are 37% more likely than women to remain single - at least until age 55. +4. If you are a professional woman, you have a 55% chance you will find love in + your office. And, love that starts at work tends to last longer than + romance that originates in a single's bar or health club. +5. Men and women's peak years for marrying are between 25 and 29. In second + place for women: the years 20 to 24. In second place for men: 30 to 34. +6. Women have a 33% chance of marrying a younger man. This is considerably + higher than ten years ago. +7. The chances of a marriage enduring forever are slim. Median duration of a + marriage in the U.S. is 7 years. +8. Marriage after divorce?: Women have a 78% chance of remarrying, while men + have an 83% chance. 7% of women will remarry within 1 year, 35.7% within 3 + years, and 49.4% within 5 years. +9. Women whose parents are divorced have 50% more likely to divorce than women + whose parents stayed together. For men, there is a 23% greater likelihood. +10. Premarital cohabitation increases the chance of divorce by 80%. Some + sociologists say this means that couples who lived together may not feel as + "bound" by their vows. +11. People who marry at 24 are more likely to divorce than those who marry at + 34. The divorce rate is particularly high for men and women who marry in + their twenties, and declines steadily thereafter. +12. Your chances of marrying someone from another race are less than 1 in 50. +13. Only 6% of divorced women collect alimony. +14. In this age of AIDS, single women between 18 and 44 are sexually more + active. +15. The immune systems of married women function better than those of unmarried + women thereby lowering the risk of AIDS. Happy marriages produce even + healthier immune systems. +16. 85% of divorced or separated women say they are happy with their single + status, while only 58% of the men are happy with theirs. +17. Women who are romance novel addicts have sex 74% more often than women who + read less stimulating material. +18. American made condoms have a 12% failure rate while foreign models have a + 21% rupture rate. +19. 50% of single women approve of premarital sex. +20. Only 12% of women who are able to become pregnant are using no + contraception. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +This old couple Mavis and Ron are sitting at their front porch. +Mavis : Fuck you Ron. +Ron: Fuck you Mavis. +Mavis : Fuck you Ron. +Ron: Fuck you Mavis. + +They continue for about 2 hours; finally they stop. + +Mavis : Well Ron, oral sex all it's cracked up to be? + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +What's Rodeo Sex? + +Well, it's where your lady friend is on all fours, you are firmly ensconced from +the rear with a breast in each hand, and you say to her "This is the way your +sister likes it too." + +You have eight seconds to stay in the saddle. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A boyfriend and girlfriend were visiting the zoo one day. They stopped +outside the gorilla cage and decided to observe the gorilla's habits. The +gorilla seemed bemused by the couple and just sat there doing absolutely +nothing. + After several minutes of staring at the gorilla, the boyfriend said to his +girlfriend "Lift up your blouse and show him your tits". + The girlfriend, at first, refused but then decided that it might be amusing +to see how the gorilla would react. She hoisted up her top and the gorilla +immediately raised his eyebrows. + Seeing the gorilla's reaction the boyfriend said "Drop your pants and show +him your ass". + The girlfriend dropped her pants and showed the gorilla her ass. The gorilla +began to pant and had sweat pouring off his gorilla eyebrows. He started jumping +up and down and running around his cage. + The boyfriend then said to his girlfriend "Now drop your pants and show him +your pussy". + The girlfriend hesitated for only a moment and then drop her pants and showed +the gorilla her pussy. The gorilla was now going completely crazy with sweat +pouring off his brows and an enormous gorilla hard-on. He was jumping up and +down frantically. + The boyfriend then pushed his girlfriend into the cage! She was shaking in +the corner and as the gorilla approached her, the boyfriend said "Now tell him +you've got a headache!!!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + An Australian, a Frenchman and an Italian are talking about married life: + Italian: When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in +wine, then lick it off, and my wife, she goes wild. + Frenchman: When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in +chocolate, then lick it off, and my wife, she goes wild. + Aussie: When I finish making love to my wife, I get out of bed and wipe my +dick on the curtains, and my wife, she goes wild. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Once upon a time there was a little sperm. He lived with many thousands of +other litter sperm, but this little sperm was different. He dreamed endlessly +of the glorious day (or night, most likely) when he and his friends would be +released to accomplish their great mission in life. The man they inhabited, +however, practiced coitus interruptus, and at the moment of orgasm, the small +army found itself denied release. + One night, the little sperm told his pals: "Enough of this! The next time he +arrives at the point of orgasm, let's make a concentrated rush." + The big moment arrived, but one of the vanguard yelled: "Back up! Back up! +He's in the asshole!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +Why are brussel sprouts like pubic hair? +You just push them aside and carry on eating. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + A very poor couple had just been married and all they could afford was to +share a house with an elderly couple. What's worse is that they have to sleep +on the top half of a bunk bed, while the older couple slept on the lower half. +Needless to say, the young couple wanted sex often. Instead of asking the +question explicitly, for fear that they would be overheard, they agreed to use +the code "eating orange" for sex. + So every night, the husband would ask his wife, "Honey, do you feel like +eating orange?". + This went on for several weeks, until one night when the husband asked, +"Honey, do you feel like eating orange?", to which the old man from below +interrupted, + "You know, I don't mind ya eating oranges so much, but could you please not +drip the orange juices down here!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + The young lady was feeling a bit amorous, so she decided to leave work a +little early and surprise her husband. When she got home, she saw her husband +in the bedroom. She went in the bedroom and said, "John, take off my shoes." + So John took off her shoes. + Then she said, "John, take off my dress." + So John obliged and took off her dress. + Next, it was "John, take off my slip." + So John took off her slip. + Then, she said, "John take off my bra!" + So John unhooked her bra and let it fall to the floor. + Lastly, she said "John, take off my panties!!!." + After John finished removing her panties, she said, "Don't ever let me catch +you wearing my clothes again!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + Ole Charlie was retiring after 30 wonderful years in the postal service. On +his last run on his route, he thought it would be nice to go door to door and +say one last good-bye. Charlie knocks on one particuliar door and a beautiful +blonde lady greets him. She says that she has heard that today was his last day +before he retires and asks if he would like to come in and have some breakfast. + "Oh no! I couldn't do that! Why, it's strictly against policy!" he +exclaimed. + "So what? What are they going to do? Fire you?" she said. + Charlie laughed (realizing today was his last day anyway), and came in, +whereupon he was led into the dining room where layed out on the table was the +most elaborate breakfast he has ever seen! + "Sit down and help yourself to anything you want!" she smiled. + While Charlie sat down to the feast of his life, she ran upstairs and +returned dressed only in a sexy black negligee just as Charlie was pushing +himself away from the table. "You want to go upstairs for some... Uh... Fun?" +she purred. + "Oh no! I couldn't do that!" Charlie exclaimed, "I mean, you gave me a +fantastic breakfast and all and I really must go!" + "What are they going to do? Fire you?" she pouted. + Charlie thought about this, and being his last day and all, he thought "What +the hell", and escorted the blonde upstairs. + After much furious lovemaking lasting several hours, Charlie and the blonde +staggered sweating and exhausted down the stairs. Charlie hurried and buttoned +his shirt and pants. He thanked the blond and was just ready to leave when, the +blonde said "Oh, I almost forgot!", running over to her purse and handed Charlie +a dollar bill. + "Oh no! I can't take any money from you!" exclaimed Charlie, "I mean, the +breakfast, uh... You know... Upstairs and all, I just can't take money from +you too!" + "Go ahead take it.." she said, "It was my husbands idea anyway". + "Your husbands???!!!???" stammered Charlie. + "Sure, just this morning, I asked my husband what we should get the postman +for his last day and he said 'Fuck him, give him a dollar!' Breakfast was MY +idea!" + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + +This woman is about to board a bus, but when she steps up, she realizes that her +skirt is too tight, and she can't lift her leg to board. So, she reaches around +behind her and lowers her zipper a bit and tries again. Skirt's still too +tight, so she reaches behind her and lowers her zipper some more, and tries +again. She still can't get on, so she reaches back and lowers the zipper a bit +more. She tries to step up, and feels two hands on her butt push her up onto +the bus. She spins around and says, "Sir, I don't know you well enough for you +to do that!" He says, "Lady, I sure don't know you well enough for you to lower +my zipper three times." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + + + I knew this guy, he told me this, but I don't know if it's true. He said +that one day, he was riding through North Carolina and he saw a sign that said: +"Vaseline-Powered Car For Sale". He thought this was pretty odd so he decided +to follow the signs to look at the Vaseline-powered car. He drove for about +five miles and finally came upon a sign that pointed up a driveway, which led +back into some woods. He pulled in and drove about half a mile and came upon a +house. It looked deserted so he blew the horn. He waited for about a minute +before an old man came out. He rolled his window down and called out to him, +"Hey! Is it true that you have a Vaseline-powered car for sale?" The old man +assured him he did and the guy asked him if he could see it. + They walked back behind the house to an old barn. The old man opened the +double wide barn door and there was a car sitting under an old dirty blanket. +The old man pulled the blanket off the car and under it was a shiny red +Corvette. + "1969, 369 Cubic inch, 400 horsepower, 4-speed transmission", the old man +said. The guy asked him if it was true that the car ran on Vaseline. And the +old man went to the Vaseline tank and stuck his hand inside. When he pulled it +out it was covered with Vaseline. "Care to drive it?", he asked. + As the guy snapped on his seat belt the old man said, "Don't go too fast. +Vaseline has more pick-up than regular gas. And it's low on Vaseline, too, so +don't go too far". This guy turned the key and that car fired up and it sounded +like the space shuttle and then it settled down like a purring tiger. He found +first gear and eased out of the barn. He turned onto the hardtop and hit second +gear at 45 mph. Third at 70 and into fourth at 95. The car felt wonderful! +110 mph and so smooth! And the pick-up was unbelieveable! He had covered five +miles in under three minutes when, all of the sudden, the car shut off. He +coasted to a stop and got out. To his fear, he was out of Vaseline. He started +to walk. + Meanwhile, down the road... + A family had just finished supper. There was dad, mom, and two daughters, +one home from college, the other in high school. Dad was telling mom how good +supper was and mom said that since she cooked such a fine meal that she +shouldn't have to wash the dishes. The oldest girl said that she couldn't do +the dishes because she had a date and the other daughter said she had homework +to do and couldn't do the dishes. Dad said that he was the man of the house and +he'll be damned if he did the dishes. They argued for a few minutes and then +dad told everybody to shut up. He said that since they couldn't decide who +would wash the dishes, then what they should do is go in the living room, sit +down, and the first person to say anything would have to do the dishes. They +agreed and moved to the living room. They sat down and stared at each other, +not speaking a word. Everybody had their mouths closed. Nobody dared to speak. +Silence filled the room. + There was a knock at the door. A few moments later, another knock. The man +at the door saw the family throught the window. He knocked again but nobody +answered. He walked in. + "Hey, I knocked on your door but nobody said...hey, food! Do you mind if I +have some?," the stranger asked. Nobody said anything. So he went to the table +and started eating. He looked in the fridge and found some beer and asked if he +could have some. Nobody said anything. He drank three or four beers and got a +little buzz. He walked into the living room and asked dad if he minded if he +had sex with his oldest daughter. Nobody said anything. He took the girl in +the bedroom and had sex with her. Later, he was back at the supper table +drinking more beer. He walked back into the living room and asked dad if he +could have sex with his youngest daughter. Nobody said anything. He took her +into the bedroom and had sex with her too. Later, sitting at the table, after +more beer, mom started to look pretty good. He walked in and asked dad if he +minded if he had sex with his wife. Nobody said anything. So he took mom into +the bedroom and had sex with her. When he was through he walked into the living +room and stood in front of dad. + "Hey, do you have any Vaseline?", he asked dad. + And dad said, "I'll wash the damn dishes." + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + + +Dear Doctor Rude, + +I think I understand what a "platonic kiss" is, but could you explain to me the +difference between the following kisses? + +1. Aristotelian kiss +2. Hegelian kiss +3. Wittgensteinian kiss +4. Godelian kiss + + Signed, + Flummoxed in Florida + + +Dear Flummoxed, + +That's a very good question; nowadays most sex education courses focus on +secondary and tertiary sources, so much so that few people really get exposed to +the classics in this field any more. I'll try to make a brief but clear summary +of some of these important types of kisses: + +Aristotelian kiss - a kiss performed using techniques gained solely from +theoretical speculation untainted by any experiential data by one who feels that +the latter is irrelevant anyway. + +Hegelian kiss - a dialiptical technique in which the kiss incorporates its own +antithikiss, forming a synthekiss. + +Wittgensteinian kiss - the important thing about this type of kiss is that it +refers only to the symbol (our internal mental representation we associate with +the experience of the kiss, which must necessarilly also be differentiated from +the act itself for obvious reasons and which need not be by any means the same +or even similar for the different people experiencing the act) rather than the +act itself and, as such, one must be careful not to make unwarranted +generalizations about the act itself or the experience thereof based merely on +our manipulation of the symbology therefor. + +Godelian kiss - a kiss that takes an extraordinarilly long time, yet leaves you +unable to decide whether you've been kissed or not. + +Now, this is by no means an exhaustive list. Here are just a few other classic +kisses: + +Socratic kiss - actually really a Platonic kiss, but it's claimed to be the +Socratic technique so it'll sound more authoritative; however, compared to most +strictly Platonic kisses, Socratic kisses wander around a lot more and cover +more ground. + +Kantian kiss - a kiss that, eschewing inferior "phenomenal" contact, is +performed entirely on the superior "noumenal" plane; though you don't actually +feel it at all, you are, nonetheless, free to declare it the best kiss you've +ever given or received. + +Kafkaesque kiss - a kiss that starts out feeling like it's about to transform +you but ends up just bugging you. + +Sartrean kiss - a kiss that you worry yourself to death about even though it +really doesn't matter anyway. + +Russell-Whiteheadian kiss - a formal kiss in which each lip and tongue movement +is rigorously and completely defined, even though it ends up seeming incomplete +somehow. + +Hertzsprung-Russellian kiss - Oh, Be A Fine Girl/Guy, Kiss Me. + +Pythagorean kiss - a kiss given by someone who has developed some new and +wonderful techniques but refuses to use them on anyone for fear that others +would find out about them and start using them. + +Cartesian kiss - A particularly well-planned and coordinated movement: "I think, +therefore, I aim." In general, a kiss does not count as Cartesian unless it is +applied with enough force to remove all doubt that one has been kissed. (cf. +Polar kiss, a more well-rounded movement involving greater nose-to-nose contact, +but colder overall.) + +Heisenbergian kiss - a hard-to-define kiss; the more it moves you, the less sure +you are of where the kiss was; the more energy it has, the more trouble you have +figuring out how long it lasted. Extreme versions of this type of kiss are +known as "virtual kisses" because the level of uncertainty is so high that +you're not quite sure if you were kissed or not. Virtual kisses have the +advantage, however, that you need not have anyone else in the room with you to +enjoy them. + +Nietzscheian kiss - "she/he who does not kiss you, makes your lust stronger." + +Epimenidian kiss - a kiss given by someone who does not kiss. + +Grouchoic kiss - a kiss given by someone who will only kiss those who would not +kiss him or her. + +Harpoic kiss - shut up and kiss me. + +Zenoian kiss - your lips approach, closer and closer, but never actually touch. + +Procrustean kiss - well, suffice it to say that it is a technique that, once +you've experienced it, you'll never forget it, especially when applied to areas +of the anatomy other than the lips. + +Doctor Rude + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + + +Bumbling Trivia + + In proportion to its body size, the genitalia of a drone bee are among the +largest of any animal on earth. Mention this to the girls over bridge and +you'll definitely get the conversation off Tupperware. + The size of its equipment is thought to be directly related to the drone's +post-coital fate, namely death. The genitals are contained in the abdomen and +presumably getting them out of the abdomen for the purpose of mating places such +strain on the bee that it dies in the process. The proximate cause of the +drone's demise is that its privates are (urk) ripped off during the act. One +more reason for caution, boys, when we are fumbling around in the dark. + One last thing. Despite its status as bee stud, the drone is not itself +produced as a result of sex. On the contrary, it develops from an unfertilized +egg. (Fertilized eggs become either workers or queens.) Thus the queen bee is +capable of parthenogenesis and drone bees have no father, only a grandfather. +You think your family is dysfunctional; be glad you're not a bee. + +-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- + + + +A man walks towards the bathroom and starts yelling: "Son! How many times have +I told you not to do that? Don't play with yourself anymore. Stop it! If you +keep doing that, you'll go blind!" The son replies: "I'm over here, Dad, in +the hallway." + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex1.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex1.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..3cb3fd1 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex1.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ +What do you do with 365 used rubbers? +Make a tire and call it a good year. + +What's the difference between 365 condoms and a tire... +A tire might be a goodyear, but 365 condoms is a GREAT year! :) + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex10.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex10.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f6314f8 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex10.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + +A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the +second story window and lands squarely on his head. Rather disgusted and +absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it. An +elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly. The +passerby asks, "Who's in your upstairs room?" The elderly man replies, "I can't +see how it's any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and +intended son-in-law are upstairs." The passerby hands him the used condom and +says, "Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out +the window!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex100.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex100.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e4040ec --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex100.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's old wrinkled and smells like Ginger Rogers? +Fred Astair's face. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex101.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex101.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..3830f93 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex101.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Why do women have two holes so close together? +In case you miss. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex102.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex102.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0f7911d --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex102.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's natural dental floss? +Pubic hair. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex104.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex104.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b7e7c09 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex104.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +Max and Ernie are playing racquetball at the local gym. As they are changing +clothes in the locker room Max takes off his T-shirt and shorts. He is wearing +a bra and a lace garter belt. "My God," says Ernie, "when did you start wearing +women's underwear?" "Ever since my wife found them in my glove compartment." + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex105.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex105.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..86ff43e --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex105.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +...as Benny Hill once said: "Did you ever notice that everyone in favor of birth +control has already been born?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex106.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex106.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1d3ddc6 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex106.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +When does a Cub Scout become a Boy Scout? +When he eats his first Brownie. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex107.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex107.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..87e894f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex107.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +What's better than a rose on your piano? +Tulips on your organ + +What's worse than a dead dog on your piano? +A diseased pussy on your organ. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex108.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex108.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9f9c4f8 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex108.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +How can you tell if your girlfriend's frigid? +When you open her legs the lights go on + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex109.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex109.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c24a0ec --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex109.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ + + Two storks on a nest: a father stork and baby stork. Baby is crying and +crying, and father stork is trying to calm him. + "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people +babies and making them happy." + The next night, it's fathers turn to do the job. "Son, your father will be +back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies." + A few days later. The stork parents are desperate: their son is gone from +the nest all night! Finally, short before dawn, he returns and the parents ask +their son where he had been all night. + Says the baby stork: "Aww, just scaring the shit out of college kids!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex11.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex11.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..79407bd --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex11.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +There was an old lady who heard you could keep cigarettes dry at the beach by +stuffing the pack into a condom. She stopped into the pharmacy to pick some up. +The pharmacist said "What brand of condoms to you prefer ma'am." She said "I'm +not sure, they're for my Camels.", at which point he fainted. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex110.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex110.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..222ac13 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex110.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13 @@ + +Entry in young woman's diary : + + Monday : Went out with John tonight. We were in his car and he tried to get +too friendly. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still my best +friends. + Tuesday : Went out with Peter tonight. We were in his car and he tried to +get too friendly also. I got out of the car and walked away. My legs are still +my best friends. + Wednesday : Went out with Jock tonight. I like Jock. We were in his car and +he tried to get too friendly. I didn't get out and walk away. Even the best of +friends must part! + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex111.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex111.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f5521f6 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex111.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's green and eats nuts +Herpes!. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex112.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex112.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..509e48b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex112.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +"I know a girl that doesn't smoke, doesn't drink, doesn't swear, goes to bed +early, and isn't thinking about sex all the time." "Hey, that's great." "Yes, +I know, and, you know, tomorrow she'll be five years old." + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex114.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex114.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c0e8807 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex114.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What is the similarity between British Telecom and Elton John? +They have both been fucked by Mercury. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex115.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex115.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e6d4850 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex115.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13 @@ + + There are three people in a pub. Two of them are talking to each other. +They seem to be brooding. So they ask each other why they are brooding. + The first one says : "Well, I think it's because I have sex only once every +month." + Then the second one replies : "Oh, that's true". In my case, it's only once +every other month". + Then, they both look at the third guy, who seems to be very cheerful. They +are puzzled, so they ask him how often he has a screw. + "Once every six monthes" says the fellow. + "Then", ask the first, "why are you so happy?" + And the third replies "Because it's tonight !!!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex116.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex116.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7316fd4 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex116.txt @@ -0,0 +1,17 @@ + + A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in an airplane. All of a +sudden, the man sneezes powerfully. He takes out his handkerchief, opens his +zipper, takes out his Willy and after having carefully wiped it, puts it back in +and closes the zipper. + The woman is shocked - but she thinks it wiser not to say anything and tries +not to pay any attention whatsoever to this horrifying man. + Then there is a second sneeze, as loud as the first one. And the same +routine: Zipper open, Willy out, Wiping, Willy in and Zipper close. That nearly +makes the woman sick but she just tries to ignore the whole thing. + After the third sneeze (and the routine) she cannot help but ask: "Excuse me, +Sir, but you have now sneezed three times. And after each time you have taken +out your penis and wiped it. May I inquire why?" + "Oh, you see Ma'am. Every time I sneeze, I get an orgasm." + "But that's awful! What do you take for it?" + "Pepper," answers the man. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex117.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex117.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..72dc270 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex117.txt @@ -0,0 +1,15 @@ + + Victor, after a long, hard days work, decides he needs some relaxation, so he +goes to his local brothel. He enters and finds the madam. As it's the busiest +time of the day, there is only one girl left, who is Chinese and doesn't know a +word of English. + "I'll take her," he says desperately, as he is also in a hurry. + So they proceed upstairs and get down to business. As Victor is going full +whack, the girl begins to shout out "Sung wa! Sung wa!" To which Victor assumes +that this means great, fantastic, etc, so he continues unperturbed. + The following day he as at a golf meeting with a wealthy, prospective Chinese +client, and is trying to impress him in any way he can. Just then, the client +T's off and gets a whole in one. This gives Victor the opportunity to use his +newly found Chinese phrase... "Sung wa! Sung wa!" he proclaims, to which the +client replies, "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex118.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex118.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e947ac1 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex118.txt @@ -0,0 +1,20 @@ + + A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear. He carries his trusty 22-gauge +rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and +fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps +the hunter on the shoulder and says, "No one shoots at me and gets away with it. +You have two choices: I can rip your throat out and eat you, or you can drop +your trousers, bend over, and I'll [insert appropriate colloquial for sodomy +here]." The hunter decides that anything is better than death, so he drops his +trousers and bends over, and the bear does what he said he would do. + After the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his trousers again and staggers +back into town. He's pretty mad. He buys a much larger gun and returns to the +forest. He sees the same bear, aims, and fires. When the smoke clears, the +bear is gone. A moment later the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, +"You know what to do." + Afterwards, the hunter pulls up his trousers, crawls back into town, and buys +a bazooka. Now he's really mad. He returns to the forest, sees the bear, aims, +and fires. The force of the bazooka blast knocks him flat on his back. When +the smoke clears, the bear is standing over him and says, "You're not doing this +for the hunting, are you?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex119.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex119.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..32a70a1 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex119.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +A woman walked up to her husband and, out of the blue, hit him. He said, "What +was that for?" She said, "Poor bed partner!" He thought about that for a few +days, then he hit her. She said, "What was that for?" He said, "For knowing +the difference!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex12.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex12.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..2bc8331 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex12.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ + +The farmboy goes to the big city for a better life. A hooker picks him up and +they go to a cheap motel for the night. As they are about to go to bed, she +hands him a condom and asks him to put it on. He looks very confused, so she +demonstrates on her forefinger. They are well into their lovemaking when she +suddenly realizes he's not wearing the condom, so she turns on the light and +asks him, "Aren't you wearing the condom, like I showed you?" He replies, "Sure +am, ma'am", and he shows her his forefinger with the condom on it. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex120.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex120.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f2b716b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex120.txt @@ -0,0 +1,22 @@ + +Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy". I call mine Sex. Sex has +been embarrassing to me. When I went to City Hall to renew his license, I told +the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex; he said he would like one too. +Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. +Then I said, "You don't understand. I have had Sex since I was 9 years old." +He said I must have been quite a kid. When I got married and went on my +honeymoon, I took the dog with me. I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my +wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the place +was for sex. I said, "You don't understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The +clerk said, "Me too." One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the +competition began, the dog ran away and a contestant asked me why I was standing +there looking around. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He +told me that I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I +said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show-off. When my wife and I +separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your +Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I told +him that after I was separated, Sex left me. He said "Me too." Last night, Sex +ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to +me and asked me, "What are you doing in this alley at 4:00 in the morning." I +said, "I am looking for Sex." My case comes up on Friday. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex121.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex121.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..3c3137e --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex121.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ + + A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was +reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says +to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female +achieves orgasm?" + She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Prove it." + He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay." He then gets up and walks out, +leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. + About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, +"Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always +squealing, how can I tell?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex122.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex122.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b3e9bb3 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex122.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + + Three guys are driving down the road and their car breaks down, so they went +to a farmer's house and asked if they could stay for the night. The farmer said +okay but someone has to sleep with the chickens, someone has to sleep with the +cows, and someone has to sleep with his 18 daughters. So one slept with the +chickens, one with the cows, and one with his 18 daughters. + The next day, one said that he felt like he was a chicken, the other said +that he felt like a cow, and the third said he felt like golf ball. The farmer +asked why he felt like a golf ball, to which the man replied that if you were in +and out of 18 holes in one night, you would feel like one too. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex124.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex124.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..4e270e6 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex124.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ + + Lady goes to buy a pet. In store, sees a frog in a rosewood box, asks for +the price. + "This frog is worth $4000, madam." + "WHAT? Why is it so expensive?" + "Well, you see, it specially trained to perform cunnilingus." + "I see... I'll take it." + So she takes the frog home, showers, puts on a silk gown, perfume, and opens +the box on the bed. The frog doesn't perform; she calls the shop. I'll be +right over, says the shopowner. Moments later, the shopowner sees the problem, +and tells the frog: "ALL RIGHT NOW, Look hard, it's the LAST TIME I'LL show you! + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex125.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex125.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c5c2915 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex125.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's the ultimate in rejection? +When you're masturbating, your hand falls asleep. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex126.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex126.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a51d7e8 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex126.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + + Lawyer : Well Mr.Mouse, I don't really think that your wife Minnie having +bucked teeth is sufficient grounds for divorce. + Mickie : Who mentioned bucked teeth? I said she was fucking goofy. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex127.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex127.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..eadce0e --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex127.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's the connection between a soya been and a vibrator? +Both are meat substitutes + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex128.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex128.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0a62723 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex128.txt @@ -0,0 +1,26 @@ + + A woman walks into her sex therapist's office and tells her that her husband +is not a very good lover, and they never have sex anymore, and asks what to do +about it. The therapist tells her that she has an experimental drug that might +do the trick. She tells the woman to give her husband one pill that night and +come back in the morning and tell her what happened. + The next day, the woman comes in ecstatic telling the therapist that the pill +worked and she and her husband had the best sex ever. She asks her therapist +what would happen if she gave her husband two pills and the therapist says she +doesn't know, but to go ahead and try it. + The next day, the same thing happens, the woman comes in telling the +therapist that the sex was even better than the night before and what would +happen if she gave him five pills. The therapist says she doesn't know, but to +go ahead and try it. + The next day, the woman comes in limp but happy, and tells the therapist that +the sex just keeps getting better and what would happen if she gave her husband +the rest of the bottle. The therapist says she doesn't know; it's an +experimental drug and she doesn't know what a full bottle could do to a person. +Anyway, the woman leaves the therapist's office and put the rest of the bottle +of pills in the husband's morning coffee. + A week later, a boy walks into the therapist's office and says: "Are you the +dumb fuck who gave my mother a bottle of experimental pills?" + "Why, yes, young man, I did. Why?" + "Well, mom's dead, my sister's pregnant, my ass hurts, and dad's sittin' in +the corner going "Here, kitty, kitty, kitty..." + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex129.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex129.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..8043e77 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex129.txt @@ -0,0 +1,15 @@ + +A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the +sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge +chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, an anthropologist, and a +family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set +up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires +and such. While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, +the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. +He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he +told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any +idea why the birth rate was so high. "Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning +the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes +everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early +to get up." + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex130.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex130.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..6c4cdae --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex130.txt @@ -0,0 +1,25 @@ + + A woman is nearly caught with her lover when her husband comes home early. +To hide her lover, she puts him in the closet. While in the closet, the lover +soon learns that he is not alone. The breathing he hears belongs to, he +discovers, the woman's young son. + "Gee, it's dark in here, sir," said the boy. + "Geez, kid, please shut up," replied the nervous man. + "Well, mister, I think I'm gonna scream." + "Please, kid, don't scream." + "Can I have some money?" asked the boy. + "Well, here, here's five dollars, it's all I've got." + The boy, sensing that the man was lying, pressed on. + "I really feel like screaming." + "No, kid, look, here's fifty dollars, just don't scream." + "Well, I don't know" + "Here's the last of my money, just don't scream." + The boy, satisfied, agreed to be quiet. Later, he went with his mother to a +store where a brand new bike was on sale. When he tried to buy it with his +new-found cash, his mother became suspicious of the source of this money. + So, being a "good" Christian, she took him in to see the local pastor in +confession. + "Gee," said the boy, not used to being in the confessional, "it sure is dark +in here." + "Don't start that with me again," said the priest. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex131.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex131.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..2fbbdaa --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex131.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + + A man and a woman are getting it on in bed when they hear the front door +open. The woman says, "It's my husband! You'd better hide." + She throws his clothes under the bed and he hides behind the curtains. Her +husband comes in, sees her all hot and sweaty, and the sheets all messed up. He +looks around, and sees a big bulge in the curtains, and a pair of feet sticking +out underneath. He whips the curtains open, and says, "Who the hell are you?" + The man says, "I'm the moth inspector." + The husband says, "Moth inspector? Why are you naked?" + The man looks down and says, "Damn. I'm too late." + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex132.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex132.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b07e4c2 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex132.txt @@ -0,0 +1,45 @@ + + One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the +avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady +walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give +$50.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young +lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on +that." She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his +companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment. The +following morning, the man presented her with $25.00 as he prepared to leave. +She demanded the rest of the money, stating: "If you don't give me the other +$25.00, I'll sue you for it." He laughed, saying: "I'd like to see you get it +on these grounds." + The next day he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his +presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and +explained the details of the case. His lawyer said: "She can't possibly get a +judgement against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her +case will be presented." + After the usual preliminaries, the lady's lawyer addressed the court as +follows: "Your honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, +a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she +agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of +$50.00. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for +the purpose for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid +only $25.00, one-half the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since +it is restricted property, and we ask judgement be granted against the defendant +to assure payment of the balance." The defendant's lawyer was impressed and +amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. His defense, therefore, +was somewhat different from the way he originally planned to present it. "Your +honor," he said, "My client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, +that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived +from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around +which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor +performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were +sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately +compensated for rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgement not +be granted." The young lady's lawyer answered thusly: "Your honor, my client +agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the +defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the +property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, +pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only +dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than +it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to +others. We, therefore, ask that judgement be granted." + And it was. She won the case... + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex134.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex134.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0aaefcb --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex134.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + + A 7 year old girl barges into the bathroom where her father is having a +shower. + "Daddy, daddy, what's that", she said pointing at his genitalia. + "Oh, uhhmm, it's a... hedgehog!", he embarrassingly replied. + "Well, it's got a hell of a big dick", she snapped back. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex135.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex135.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..52a2567 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex135.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13 @@ + + A little kid goes up to his mother who is lying in the bath naked, and asks +her: "Mummy...whasat??" + His mother thinks for a little while and then says: "Oh, son...that's my +hedgehog." And the little boy walks away quite happy with the reply. + The next week, he walks into the bathroom and sees his wrinkly old grandma +lying naked in the bath. He asks her what she had between her legs, and again +she tries to explain that it's a hedgehog. + The little kid then runs screaming to his mother and shouts: "Mummy, Mummy, +Grandma's hedgehog is dead!" + "Why do you say that son?" + "Because I could see it's guts hanging out all over the place!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex136.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex136.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..65cfdc5 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex136.txt @@ -0,0 +1,23 @@ + + The day befor Thanksgiving this little boy heard his mom and dad fighting. + The husband said to his wife, "You stupid bitch, you have floppy tits." + She wasn't about to be outdone and said, "Well you have a crooked dick, you +bastard." + Well, the little boy heard every word they said. After they got done +fighting, he went up to the mom and asked her what bitches and bastards were. +She told him that they were people. Then he asked what crooked dicks and floppy +tits were. She told him that they were coats and hats. The little boy accepted +both answers and went on his way. + The next day, they were getting ready for a huge feast with friends and +family. The little boy went up stairs where his dad was shaving. The dad cut +himself and said "Shit!" Well once again, the boy started asking questions and +asked what 'shit' was. The father told him that it was "shaving cream". The +boy accepted this answer and went downstairs were his mom was stuffing a turkey. +When the mom cut herself with a knife, she said "Fuck!" The boy once again +asked what 'fuck' was. She told him that it was "stuffing". About that time, +the door bell rang. + When the little boy went to answer the door, it was his grandparents. Upon +opening the door, the little boy said: "Hi bitches and bastards. Let me take +your crooked dicks and floppy tits for you. Dad's upstairs putting shit on his +face and mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey." + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex137.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex137.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c5dac43 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex137.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Snow White has been thrown out of Fairyland. She was caught sitting on +Pinnocchio's face shouting, 'Lie you little sod, lie!!' + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex138.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex138.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0f6ef77 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex138.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +A woman gets up, puts up the shade, takes the cover off the parrot's cage, makes +coffee, and has a cigarette. Suddenly the phone rings. Her boyfriend is coming +over. She puts out the cigarette, pulls down the shade, puts the cover back on +the parrot's cage, and gets back into bed. The parrot, from under the cloth: +"Well that was a short fuckin' day!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex139.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex139.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5cb59ef --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex139.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +A man went into the bar. He said to the barman, "I want to celebrate my first +blow job, so give me a double whiskey." So he drank it straight down. He then +ordered 2 more, then another 2 and then another 2 again... The barman asked, +"you sure you've had enough?" The man replied, "just enough to take the taste +away." + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex14.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex14.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5868e7c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex14.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ + + This kid walks into the pharmacy: "I've a hot date tonight, a sure thing, and +my buddies said you could fix me up for it." + "What do you want?" + "Well, it's a hot date, man. A sure thing? You know..." + "What do you want?" + "I need some protection, alright??!?!" + "What size?" + "Size? I dunno... Whatever is considered average I guess." + "That'll be $2.35 including tax." + "Tacks? Tacks? I thought they stayed on by themselves!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex140.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex140.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..df605e2 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex140.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What do you call a man with a 1-inch prick? +Justin + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex141.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex141.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..86ba9ca --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex141.txt @@ -0,0 +1,21 @@ + + Madge had been lonely for many years after her husband's death. She decided +she wanted to get married again. But, she didn't know any eligible men. So +she decided to put an ad in the newspaper. The ad contained three criteria: + + 1. The man would not beat her. (like her previous husband) + 2. The man would not run around on her. (like her previous husband) +AND 3. The man was good in bed. + + The day after the ad ran, Madge's doorbell rang. When she answered the +doorbell, she found a man in a wheelchair. She asked the man if she could help +him and he said he was there to respond to the ad. Madge asked the man what ad +he was talking about. He said the ad for the Husband. Then Madge told him that +there were specific needs in the ad. The man in the wheelchair replied: + + 1. Look at me, I have no arms, so I can't beat you. + 2. I have no legs, so I can't run around on you. + + Madge replied, "But there was one more important criterium the ad." The man +in the wheelchair then asked: "How do you think I rang the doorbell?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex142.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex142.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..72ab396 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex142.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ + +I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex144.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex144.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0038c29 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex144.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +A girl was in the shower she saw her mom's tits, and she asked when she would +get some like hers. The mom replied that when she was 16, she would get tits. +Later that day the girl took a shower with her dad. She asked what his penis +was, and he told her that it was a dick. The girl paused asking her dad when +she would get a dick, and the dad answered as soon as your mother left! + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex145.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex145.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e1cedf5 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex145.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +What comes one a day? +The mail. +What comes twice a day? +The mailman when the husband is away! + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex146.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex146.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5163b40 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex146.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +How can you tell if your girlfriend is horny? +You stick your hand down her pants and it feels like you're feeding a horse. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex147.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex147.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7285246 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex147.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's the definition of a sadist? +Someone who's kind to a masochist. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex148.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex148.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c9600a1 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex148.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What do toys and womens breasts have in common. +They were both originally made for kids, but dad ends up playing with them. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex149.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex149.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b4db66d --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex149.txt @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ + + One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving, when Bubba, a kid from +around the neighborhood, comes in after having mowed the lawn for him, and +proceeds to pee in the toilet. Well, Bubba was rather well endowed and +curiosity got the best of the husband and he just had to look. Sure enough, +Bubba had the largest penis he had ever seen!!! + The man asked Bubba, "I don't mean to be too personal, but how did your dick +get that big? I couldn't help but notice..." + Bubba laughed and said, "Every night before bed, I bang it on the bedpost 3 +times. Heck, it impresses the girls at school!" + The husband was excited at the simplicity of this technique and could hardly +wait to try it himself! Before he climbed into bed that night, he whipped it +out and banged it on the bedpost three times. He was just climbing into bed +with newfound confidence when the wife sits up, half-asleep and rubbing her +eyes, and says, "Bubba, is that you?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex15.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex15.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7c47ac6 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex15.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What do you call grit in a condom? +An organ grinder! + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex150.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex150.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1ece521 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex150.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ + +Programming is like sex: One mistake and you have to support for a lifetime. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex151.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex151.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..13a9823 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex151.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Found written on a restroom wall once: +Life sucks, but then again so does you girlfriend! + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex152.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex152.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..22a7628 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex152.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What does a woman and a airplane have in common? +A cockpit + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex154.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex154.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..63bd66b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex154.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What is the difference between a hen and a prostitute? +One says cock-ka-doodle-do and the other says any cock will do. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex155.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex155.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..64c8734 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex155.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ + + One man's hobby was fishing, he spent all his weekends near the river or +lake, paying no attention to weather. + One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was +cold and raining, and he decided to return back to his house. He came in, went +to his bedroom, undressed and layed near his wife. + "What a terrible weather today, honey." he said to her. + "Yes. And my idiot went fishing!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex156.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex156.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..6f39aed --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex156.txt @@ -0,0 +1,14 @@ + + A young boy asks his Grandmother how old she is, to which she replies "That's +none of your business." + So he asks her how much she weighs and again she replies "thats none of your +business." + So he asks her why she and Grandpa sleep in separate bedrooms. Grandma gets +angry at this point and sends him off to play. + The boy goes straight to his Grandpa and explains what happened and his +grandpa tells him that Grandmothers are like that, but if he really wants to +know to, sneak a peak at her drivers license in her purse. + Later, the little boy approaches Grandma and says "I know that you are 64 +years old, weigh 147 pounds, and that the reason you don't sleep with Grandpa is +because you got an "F" in 'Sex'!!! + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex157.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex157.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..39f2814 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex157.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + + A woman answers the door to a market researcher. + "Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at +all in your household?" + "Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns." + "Do you use it for anything else?" + "Like what?" + "Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex." + "Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids +out." + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex158.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex158.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..98cb5b6 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex158.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ + +From The Economist: + + France's greatest lexicographer, Emile Littre', was once found by his wife, +in flagrante, and in the conjugal bedroom at that, with their housemaid. + Happily, the exchange that followed makes sense almost as well in English as +in French. + "Emile," cried Mrs Littre', "I am surprised!" "No, my dear," replied the +erring lexicographer calmly. "You are astonished. It is we who are surprised." + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex159.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex159.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c651493 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex159.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ + + A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast. "You aren't +so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work. By midmorning, he +decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife +picked up the phone. + "What took you so long to answer?" + "I was in bed." + "What were you doing in bed this late?" + "Getting a second opinion." + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex16.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex16.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..438d60b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex16.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Why did the condom fly across the room? +Because it got pissed off. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex160.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex160.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..810ba8f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex160.txt @@ -0,0 +1,37 @@ + + One day, an old French sausage maker whose sausages were renowned worldwide +decided the time had come for him to retire, but as the business had been in his +family for generations and wanted to keep it so, he was keen his not too bright +only son and heir take over the running. + When his son came home, he announced to him, "Son, the time has come for you +to take over the running my business, the business that has been in this family +for generations. Come, I have some things to show you," and with that led his +son across the courtyard to the place where he undertook his work. The son +looked around the room and found a number of strange machines, ranging from the +very old to the very modern. + His father led him to the oldest machine and started to explain: + "Son, this machine was invented by your Great-Grandfather, MY Grandfather. +With this machine, he would put an ass in this end, and two hundred sausages +would come out the other end. These sausages were renowned throughout the whole +of Paris!" + And with that he led his son on to the second more modern machine and +continued with his explanation: + "This machine here was invented by your Grandfather, MY father himself. With +this machine he would put an ass in this end, and two thousand sausages would +come out the other end. These sausages were renowned throughout the whole of +Provence!" + He next led his son to the third most modern machine: + "This machine was invented by your own father, yes, me myself. With this +machine I can put a ass after ass in this end and the sausages keep coming out +the other end in their millions. These sausages are renowned worldwide." + He then turned to his son, "So, you see, as well as taking over the running +of the business, you must make your mark of generation by inventing your own +machine." + The son then took stock of the task and proceeded to think long and hard +about what machine he could come up with to make his mark on the family +business. Finally, after quite some time the son piped up, "Papa, I have an +idea. How about if I make a machine where you put a sausage in one end, and an +ass comes out the other." + His father in disgust of the idea slapped his son saying, "You stupid boy, +such a machine already exists - it's your mother!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex161.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex161.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7a85cab --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex161.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13 @@ + +CEO document contents: + +Document Reference: IPA/IN/666 Issue: Draft 42 Date: 15/04/83 No of Pages 4. +Author(s): Kurt Jenner Status: Definitive + +Summary: +This IN describes the "API Contracept Strategy" which is the exact Converse of +the "IPA Intercept Strategy." Various contracept methods are described, and it +is concluded that an "Exocept" (Counter Contracept) Strategy may be based on a +recognition of these. + +1. Introduction diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex162.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex162.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..3373713 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex162.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ + +The IPA Intercept Strategy has been widely publicized. It also appears that many +other organizations are taking a similar approach to OSI Standardization. +However, it has been discovered that some organizations are also practising the +converse of this: the API (Active Prevention of Inter-working) Contracept +Strategy. This little known strategy is operated secretly but most effectively, +and the purpose of this IN is to bring some of its method out into the open +where they can be recognized for what they are. + +2. The Conception diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex164.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex164.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d15e4ea --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex164.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ + +3.1 Sterilization diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex165.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex165.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..2ec9173 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex165.txt @@ -0,0 +1,17 @@ + +The intention here is to prevent rival organizations from producing any useful +ideas. As a rule this only delays rather than prevents effective output, but +time is of the essence in Standardization work. Sterilization methods require +attendance at rival organization meetings. Some techniques used are: + +- bogging down the meeting by discussing trivia and causing diversions onto +irrelevant topics. + +- introducing contributions from other organizations and insisting that they be +evaluated for consistency with the work of the organization itself. + +- sending enough people to the meeting to ensure that promising ideas are voted +down. + + +3.2 Abstinence diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex166.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex166.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7be4245 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex166.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ + +This method aims to ensure the involuntary absence of rival organizations from +important meetings. This is generally not a reliable method, but is practised +because of its unsettling side-effects. Its techniques include: + +- holding meetings in inconvenient places (e.g. on the other side of the world) + +- choosing meeting times to clash with those of rival organizations. + +3.3 Rhythm Method diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex167.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex167.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..4c22060 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex167.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ + +This method is widely practised, but is not effective for contracept purposes on +its own. The essence of it is that regular attendance (hence the name) is made +at the meetings of rival organizations. The result is insinuation into the +organization so that its members forget that the insinuator is an outsider. The +ultimate success of the Rhythm Method is being appointed as Secretary (which is +a good position to be in if facts or views have to be distorted) or even as +Chairman. + +3.4 Withdrawal diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex168.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex168.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9e9e921 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex168.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ + +This is a very risky contracept tactic and requires considerable courage. The +principle is to withdraw totally from a discussion which is leading to contrary +ideas. If done properly, it not only undermines the confidence of the others in +the idea being debated, but also gives the "agent-provocateur" a chance to sow +the seeds of dissension elsewhere in other sub-groups. + +3.5 The Sheath diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex169.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex169.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..ca8ac8b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex169.txt @@ -0,0 +1,14 @@ + +The SHEATH (System for Harassment of Enemies and Tying their Hands) is +reasonably reliable if used properly. When attempts to prevent a rival +organization from developing and bringing its own ideas to a meeting have been +unsuccessful, then various methods of frustrating effective delivery of these +ideas are available: + +- ensuring that the rival organization does not get a fair hearing (it helps to +be Chairman of the meeting !) + +- splitting the meeting into more sub-groups than there are members attending +from the rival organizations so that their contributions are dissipated. + +3.6 The Cap diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex17.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex17.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0766852 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex17.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +I recently saw a condom machine in a toilet which had a +'Tested to British Safety Standards' sign on it... +Underneath someone had scrawled... +'...SO WAS THE TITANIC !!' + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex170.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex170.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..eb1e108 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex170.txt @@ -0,0 +1,17 @@ + +As a fall-back position it is possible to use the CAP (Competitor Annihalation +Programme), although it must be applied only after the situation has been +carefully sized up. The intention is to ensure that competitive ideas, although +properly presented, fall on deaf ears. To arrange this takes real skill, but +some ploys are: + +- lobbying people before the meeting to make sure that their minds are already +made up + +- diminishing the status of contributions by contriving that they are given as +individual rather than organization positions + +- arranging for rival contributions to be made just after lunch or as late as +possible (once again, being Chairman helps!) + +3.7 The IUD diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex171.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex171.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..248f54a --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex171.txt @@ -0,0 +1,14 @@ + +IUD (Insidious Undermining of Discussion) methods come into play when, despite +all endeavours described above, a rival idea has taken root. The best option in +this case is to cause so much confusion that the idea is swamped and forgotten. +The techniques of Sterilization (section 3.1) are relevant here although in a +different context, but some specialized IUD tactics are: + +- querying definitions and terminology with a view to ensuring that everyone +doubts that he understands what anyone is talking about + +- quibbling over editorial niceties and getting the original ideas lost in a +discussion of their form not their content. + +3.8 The Pill diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex172.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex172.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..633dbb8 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex172.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13 @@ + +The PILL (Permanent Interference with Likely Leaders) is the summation of all +the contracept methods described in previous sections. It is very demanding to +sustain this, but more importantly not to get caught doing it. However, as the +very lack of recognition of contracept techniques demonstrates, the PILL can be +employed effectively and indetectably over a long period of time. + +One particular development of the PILL demands description. This is the +Morning-After PILL, which is administered after the event if all else has +failed. No reliable method has been found of frustrating an idea once it has +been accepted, but research into this possibility is continuing. + +4. The Contracept Strategy diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex174.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex174.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..bcb5070 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex174.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +This document has aired some of the methods of the Contracept Strategy. By +doing so, it is hoped that it has brought this subterfuge to light and may form +the basis of an Exocept (counter-contracept) Strategy. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex175.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex175.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..00e09a6 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex175.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ + +Ike, Mike and Mustard were on a weekend outing staying at The Olde Log Inn +resort. Mustard decided to take a nature hike and ended up missing for two +days. When he turned up in the local infirmary literally beaten to a pulp Ike +and Mike rushed to see what had happened. According to Mustard, he had gotten +lost. After wandering around for what seemed like hours he finally spotted a +parked car with what appeared to be people in the back seat. Unfortunately, the +last thing he remembers was sticking his head through the window and asking "How +far is The Olde Log Inn?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex176.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex176.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..667b7bb --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex176.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ + + A man and his girl friend wanted to engage in passionate sex for the first +time. He pulled off his socks. + "What happened to your toes?" she asked. + "Tolio" he said, as he pulled off his pants. + "What happened to your knees?" + "Kneesles" he said. + He took off his underwear. + She said: "Don't tell me, smallpox, right?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex177.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex177.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..87bf255 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex177.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + + A guy and a girl are in bed, screwing, when he says to her, "Turn over. I +want to fuck you up the ass." + "You want to fuck me up the ass?" she repeats, unbelievingly. "Isn't that a +little presumptuous?" + "Presumptuous?" he counters. "Isn't that a big word for a seven-year-old? + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex178.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex178.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9b0feca --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex178.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Did you know that 60% of all women are battered? +And I've been eating plain all this time! + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex179.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex179.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5d634d6 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex179.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What is the similarity between cunnilingus and the Mafia? +One slip of the tounge and you are in deep shit. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex18.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex18.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7fc2a7d --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex18.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady +pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping +him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please". With a surprised look on her face +the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!" to which the guy replies, "Make +it 100". + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex180.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex180.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b8ed9fa --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex180.txt @@ -0,0 +1,42 @@ + +George Burns is a guest on the Oprah Winfrey Show. + +Oprah: George, you're around 90 years old, and you still have women hanging all + over you. What's your secret? + +Burns: Well, Oprah, I'm simply the greatest lover in the world, and once a + woman finds that out, she refuses to let me go. + +Oprah: Seriously, George... do you spoil them with lavish presents for being + your sex toys? I mean, I can't imagine a man of your age being the + world's greatest lover! + +Burns: I am serious, Oprah... in fact, if you don't believe me, stop by my + dressing room after the show and I'll show you first hand. + +Oprah: Ok, you're on. + +After the show, Oprah stops by George's dressing room and they start to go at +it. Oprah is having the time of her life, and George is really living up to his +claim. After about two hours, George stops pumping... + +Burns: Listen, Oprah, I've gotta take a nap for a while, but if you keep both + of your hands wrapped around my dick, I'll wake up soon and we can go at + it again. + +So she does, and after about a half hour George wakes up and they start going at +it again. A while later, after Oprah's fourth orgasm, George takes another +breather and again says: + +Burns: Oprah, Oprah, you're holding up great, and I want to keep giving it to + you, but I've gotta take another nap. Hold my dick with both your + hands, and when I wake up, we can go at it again. + +Oprah: Oh, George, you really are the greatest lover in the world, and I can + understand why a man your age would need to take a break now and then, + but I don't understand why I need to keep both hands on your dick while + you're sleeping. + +Burns: That's easy, babe... the last time I had sex with a black girl in my + dressing room, she stole my wallet while I was asleep. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex181.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex181.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7c25e45 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex181.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ + + Two elderly ladies are sitting on the porch in their rockers just talking +'girl' talk. + Emma: My word Matilda! You and Johnny were married for quite some time. +How many years was that anyway? + Matilda: Oh, we were married for 65 wonderous years. + Emma: My-oh-my-oh-my! But can you tell me in all that time did you two ever +have mutual orgasm? + Matilda: I don't think so. I believe we had State Farm. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex182.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex182.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5a79178 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex182.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ + +Sex is a misdemeanor; the more I miss, the meaner I get! + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex184.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex184.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..25b244b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex184.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ + +I'm such a lousy lover... One day, I caught a peeping tom booing me! + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex185.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex185.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d740c88 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex185.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ + +Ya know...I always look for inner beauty in a woman. Once inner...BEAUTY! + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex186.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex186.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..6e56339 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex186.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Did you hear about the new course you can take at school? +Intercourse, you go between periods and you are expected to come. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex187.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex187.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..8a67cdb --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex187.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +Did you know there are four different types of orgasms? They are: + The positive orgasm: "Oh yes, Ohh yesss, OH YESSSS!" + The negative orgasm: "Oh no, Ohh nooo, OH NOOO!" + The spiritual orgasm: "Oh god, Ohh goddd, OH GODDD!" + The fake orgasm: "Oh Steve, Ohh Steeeve, OH STEEEEEEEEVE!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex188.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex188.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5db08be --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex188.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with her 6 male friends? +She came home with a red snapper. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex189.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex189.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1e8c4d4 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex189.txt @@ -0,0 +1,18 @@ + + A pleasure boat captain leased out his craft and services to an old and +affluent man and his young, very beautiful mistress. As misfortune would have +it, a storm wrecked the boat and stranded the three of them on some far away +island. The island was quite small and had only one tree which was often used +to look-out for passing ships. + The cramped quarters on the island made it very difficult for the captain to +pursue the young mistress. Even if the old man was on look out, there was no +cover for him to take her and have his way. She had already expressed her +desire to comply, but they could never get away from the view of the old man. + Finally, the captain gets an idea. The next time he is in the tree on look +out, he shouts down to the couple below, "Hey, stop having sex down there!" The +next day, he does the same thing. "Hey, stop having sex down there!", he says. + This continues for a couple of more days until the old man takes watch. As +soon as the old man is up the tree, the captain makes his move with the +mistress. The old guy sees what's going on below and thinks to himself, "Gee, +from up here, it does look like they're having sex." + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex19.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex19.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5dcbf30 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex19.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What are the three sizes in which condoms are sold? +Large, medium, and Caucasian. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex190.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex190.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b35a819 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex190.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + + There are three kinds of sex in a marriage. + The first is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage; you'll +have sex anywhere, anytime. Hence, in the kitchen. + The second kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, +you gotta do it in the bedroom. + The third kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the +hallway and say "Fuck you." + There is also a fourth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get +divorced and your wife fucks you in front of everyone in court. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex191.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex191.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..6b4084b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex191.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + +For those of you about to become first time fathers, you should know something +that us old pros do: there are three stages of sex with your mate during +pregnancy. + +During the first trimester, you do it regular style. +During the second trimester, you do it doggie style. +During the last trimester, you do it wolf style. +"What the heck is wolf style?", you ask. +That's when you sit by the hole and howl! + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex192.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex192.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..17df89b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex192.txt @@ -0,0 +1,44 @@ + +From a list of statistics in the September issue of Glamour Magazine... + +1. Most marriages occur in June. The least number of marriages occur in + January. +2. If you are 18 and over, you have a 64% chance of marrying. +3. Men are 37% more likely than women to remain single - at least until age 55. +4. If you are a professional woman, you have a 55% chance you will find love in + your office. And, love that starts at work tends to last longer than + romance that originates in a single's bar or health club. +5. Men and women's peak years for marrying are between 25 and 29. In second + place for women: the years 20 to 24. In second place for men: 30 to 34. +6. Women have a 33% chance of marrying a younger man. This is considerably + higher than ten years ago. +7. The chances of a marriage enduring forever are slim. Median duration of a + marriage in the U.S. is 7 years. +8. Marriage after divorce?: Women have a 78% chance of remarrying, while men + have an 83% chance. 7% of women will remarry within 1 year, 35.7% within 3 + years, and 49.4% within 5 years. +9. Women whose parents are divorced have 50% more likely to divorce than women + whose parents stayed together. For men, there is a 23% greater likelihood. +10. Premarital cohabitation increases the chance of divorce by 80%. Some + sociologists say this means that couples who lived together may not feel as + "bound" by their vows. +11. People who marry at 24 are more likely to divorce than those who marry at + 34. The divorce rate is particularly high for men and women who marry in + their twenties, and declines steadily thereafter. +12. Your chances of marrying someone from another race are less than 1 in 50. +13. Only 6% of divorced women collect alimony. +14. In this age of AIDS, single women between 18 and 44 are sexually more + active. +15. The immune systems of married women function better than those of unmarried + women thereby lowering the risk of AIDS. Happy marriages produce even + healthier immune systems. +16. 85% of divorced or separated women say they are happy with their single + status, while only 58% of the men are happy with theirs. +17. Women who are romance novel addicts have sex 74% more often than women who + read less stimulating material. +18. American made condoms have a 12% failure rate while foreign models have a + 21% rupture rate. +19. 50% of single women approve of premarital sex. +20. Only 12% of women who are able to become pregnant are using no + contraception. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex194.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex194.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..07bffb5 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex194.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ + +What's Rodeo Sex? + +Well, it's where your lady friend is on all fours, you are firmly ensconced from +the rear with a breast in each hand, and you say to her "This is the way your +sister likes it too." + +You have eight seconds to stay in the saddle. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex195.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex195.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..43ba000 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex195.txt @@ -0,0 +1,25 @@ + + A boyfriend and girlfriend were visiting the zoo one day. They stopped +outside the gorilla cage and decided to observe the gorilla's habits. The +gorilla seemed bemused by the couple and just sat there doing absolutely +nothing. + After several minutes of staring at the gorilla, the boyfriend said to his +girlfriend "Lift up your blouse and show him your tits". + The girlfriend, at first, refused but then decided that it might be amusing +to see how the gorilla would react. She hoisted up her top and the gorilla +immediately raised his eyebrows. + Seeing the gorilla's reaction the boyfriend said "Drop your pants and show +him your ass". + The girlfriend dropped her pants and showed the gorilla her ass. The gorilla +began to pant and had sweat pouring off his gorilla eyebrows. He started jumping +up and down and running around his cage. + The boyfriend then said to his girlfriend "Now drop your pants and show him +your pussy". + The girlfriend hesitated for only a moment and then drop her pants and showed +the gorilla her pussy. The gorilla was now going completely crazy with sweat +pouring off his brows and an enormous gorilla hard-on. He was jumping up and +down frantically. + The boyfriend then pushed his girlfriend into the cage! She was shaking in +the corner and as the gorilla approached her, the boyfriend said "Now tell him +you've got a headache!!!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex196.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex196.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1564257 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex196.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ + + An Australian, a Frenchman and an Italian are talking about married life: + Italian: When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in +wine, then lick it off, and my wife, she goes wild. + Frenchman: When I finish making love to my wife, I cover her head to toe in +chocolate, then lick it off, and my wife, she goes wild. + Aussie: When I finish making love to my wife, I get out of bed and wipe my +dick on the curtains, and my wife, she goes wild. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex197.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex197.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e17f364 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex197.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ + + Once upon a time there was a little sperm. He lived with many thousands of +other litter sperm, but this little sperm was different. He dreamed endlessly +of the glorious day (or night, most likely) when he and his friends would be +released to accomplish their great mission in life. The man they inhabited, +however, practiced coitus interruptus, and at the moment of orgasm, the small +army found itself denied release. + One night, the little sperm told his pals: "Enough of this! The next time he +arrives at the point of orgasm, let's make a concentrated rush." + The big moment arrived, but one of the vanguard yelled: "Back up! Back up! +He's in the asshole!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex198.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex198.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b0d128e --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex198.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Why are brussel sprouts like pubic hair? +You just push them aside and carry on eating. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex199.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex199.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..4e3baab --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex199.txt @@ -0,0 +1,15 @@ + + A very poor couple had just been married and all they could afford was to +share a house with an elderly couple. What's worse is that they have to sleep +on the top half of a bunk bed, while the older couple slept on the lower half. +Needless to say, the young couple wanted sex often. Instead of asking the +question explicitly, for fear that they would be overheard, they agreed to use +the code "eating orange" for sex. + So every night, the husband would ask his wife, "Honey, do you feel like +eating orange?". + This went on for several weeks, until one night when the husband asked, +"Honey, do you feel like eating orange?", to which the old man from below +interrupted, + "You know, I don't mind ya eating oranges so much, but could you please not +drip the orange juices down here!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex2.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex2.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..4ebf6e0 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex2.txt @@ -0,0 +1,34 @@ + +List Of Possible Slogans Promoting 'National Condom Week' + +A crank with armor will never harm her +Before getting drastic, wrap it in plastic +Before getting laid, wrap up your spade +Before you attack her, wrap your whacker +Bodies shouldn't go slapping unless peter's got his wrapping +Cover your stump before you hump +Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool +Don't be a loner, cover your boner +Don't make a mistake, cover your snake. +Don't be silly, protect your willy +Especially in December, gift wrap your member +If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket. +If you go into heat, package your meat +If you really love her, wear a cover. +If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize +If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey +If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it +It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter +Never ever deck her with an unwrapped pecker +No glove, no love! +Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener. +She won't get sick if you wrap your dick +The right selection will protect your erection +When in doubt, shroud your spout +When you take off her pants and blouse, slip up your trouser mouse +While you're undressing venus, dress up your penis +Wrap it in foil before checking her oil +You can't go wrong if you shield your dong +You could get a germ if you don't cover your worm +You might wind up dead if you don't shield your head + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex20.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex20.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..93ce4b1 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex20.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13 @@ + + A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for a pack of condoms. As soon as he +has paid for them, he starts laughing and walks out. + The next day, the same performance, with the man walking out laughing fit to +bust. The chemist thinks this odd and asks his assistant, that if the man +returns, to follow him. + Sure enough, he comes into the store the next day, repeating his actions once +more. The assistant duly follows. Half an hour later, he returns. + "So did you follow him?" + "I did." + "And...where did he go?" + "Over to your house..." + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex200.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex200.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..4ab7060 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex200.txt @@ -0,0 +1,15 @@ + + The young lady was feeling a bit amorous, so she decided to leave work a +little early and surprise her husband. When she got home, she saw her husband +in the bedroom. She went in the bedroom and said, "John, take off my shoes." + So John took off her shoes. + Then she said, "John, take off my dress." + So John obliged and took off her dress. + Next, it was "John, take off my slip." + So John took off her slip. + Then, she said, "John take off my bra!" + So John unhooked her bra and let it fall to the floor. + Lastly, she said "John, take off my panties!!!." + After John finished removing her panties, she said, "Don't ever let me catch +you wearing my clothes again!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex201.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex201.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f8e5664 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex201.txt @@ -0,0 +1,36 @@ + + Ole Charlie was retiring after 30 wonderful years in the postal service. On +his last run on his route, he thought it would be nice to go door to door and +say one last good-bye. Charlie knocks on one particuliar door and a beautiful +blonde lady greets him. She says that she has heard that today was his last day +before he retires and asks if he would like to come in and have some breakfast. + "Oh no! I couldn't do that! Why, it's strictly against policy!" he +exclaimed. + "So what? What are they going to do? Fire you?" she said. + Charlie laughed (realizing today was his last day anyway), and came in, +whereupon he was led into the dining room where layed out on the table was the +most elaborate breakfast he has ever seen! + "Sit down and help yourself to anything you want!" she smiled. + While Charlie sat down to the feast of his life, she ran upstairs and +returned dressed only in a sexy black negligee just as Charlie was pushing +himself away from the table. "You want to go upstairs for some... Uh... Fun?" +she purred. + "Oh no! I couldn't do that!" Charlie exclaimed, "I mean, you gave me a +fantastic breakfast and all and I really must go!" + "What are they going to do? Fire you?" she pouted. + Charlie thought about this, and being his last day and all, he thought "What +the hell", and escorted the blonde upstairs. + After much furious lovemaking lasting several hours, Charlie and the blonde +staggered sweating and exhausted down the stairs. Charlie hurried and buttoned +his shirt and pants. He thanked the blond and was just ready to leave when, the +blonde said "Oh, I almost forgot!", running over to her purse and handed Charlie +a dollar bill. + "Oh no! I can't take any money from you!" exclaimed Charlie, "I mean, the +breakfast, uh... You know... Upstairs and all, I just can't take money from +you too!" + "Go ahead take it.." she said, "It was my husbands idea anyway". + "Your husbands???!!!???" stammered Charlie. + "Sure, just this morning, I asked my husband what we should get the postman +for his last day and he said 'Fuck him, give him a dollar!' Breakfast was MY +idea!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex202.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex202.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..42d75dd --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex202.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + +This woman is about to board a bus, but when she steps up, she realizes that her +skirt is too tight, and she can't lift her leg to board. So, she reaches around +behind her and lowers her zipper a bit and tries again. Skirt's still too +tight, so she reaches behind her and lowers her zipper some more, and tries +again. She still can't get on, so she reaches back and lowers the zipper a bit +more. She tries to step up, and feels two hands on her butt push her up onto +the bus. She spins around and says, "Sir, I don't know you well enough for you +to do that!" He says, "Lady, I sure don't know you well enough for you to lower +my zipper three times." + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex204.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex204.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..fa1d336 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex204.txt @@ -0,0 +1,103 @@ + + + +Dear Doctor Rude, + +I think I understand what a "platonic kiss" is, but could you explain to me the +difference between the following kisses? + +1. Aristotelian kiss +2. Hegelian kiss +3. Wittgensteinian kiss +4. Godelian kiss + + Signed, + Flummoxed in Florida + + +Dear Flummoxed, + +That's a very good question; nowadays most sex education courses focus on +secondary and tertiary sources, so much so that few people really get exposed to +the classics in this field any more. I'll try to make a brief but clear summary +of some of these important types of kisses: + +Aristotelian kiss - a kiss performed using techniques gained solely from +theoretical speculation untainted by any experiential data by one who feels that +the latter is irrelevant anyway. + +Hegelian kiss - a dialiptical technique in which the kiss incorporates its own +antithikiss, forming a synthekiss. + +Wittgensteinian kiss - the important thing about this type of kiss is that it +refers only to the symbol (our internal mental representation we associate with +the experience of the kiss, which must necessarilly also be differentiated from +the act itself for obvious reasons and which need not be by any means the same +or even similar for the different people experiencing the act) rather than the +act itself and, as such, one must be careful not to make unwarranted +generalizations about the act itself or the experience thereof based merely on +our manipulation of the symbology therefor. + +Godelian kiss - a kiss that takes an extraordinarilly long time, yet leaves you +unable to decide whether you've been kissed or not. + +Now, this is by no means an exhaustive list. Here are just a few other classic +kisses: + +Socratic kiss - actually really a Platonic kiss, but it's claimed to be the +Socratic technique so it'll sound more authoritative; however, compared to most +strictly Platonic kisses, Socratic kisses wander around a lot more and cover +more ground. + +Kantian kiss - a kiss that, eschewing inferior "phenomenal" contact, is +performed entirely on the superior "noumenal" plane; though you don't actually +feel it at all, you are, nonetheless, free to declare it the best kiss you've +ever given or received. + +Kafkaesque kiss - a kiss that starts out feeling like it's about to transform +you but ends up just bugging you. + +Sartrean kiss - a kiss that you worry yourself to death about even though it +really doesn't matter anyway. + +Russell-Whiteheadian kiss - a formal kiss in which each lip and tongue movement +is rigorously and completely defined, even though it ends up seeming incomplete +somehow. + +Hertzsprung-Russellian kiss - Oh, Be A Fine Girl/Guy, Kiss Me. + +Pythagorean kiss - a kiss given by someone who has developed some new and +wonderful techniques but refuses to use them on anyone for fear that others +would find out about them and start using them. + +Cartesian kiss - A particularly well-planned and coordinated movement: "I think, +therefore, I aim." In general, a kiss does not count as Cartesian unless it is +applied with enough force to remove all doubt that one has been kissed. (cf. +Polar kiss, a more well-rounded movement involving greater nose-to-nose contact, +but colder overall.) + +Heisenbergian kiss - a hard-to-define kiss; the more it moves you, the less sure +you are of where the kiss was; the more energy it has, the more trouble you have +figuring out how long it lasted. Extreme versions of this type of kiss are +known as "virtual kisses" because the level of uncertainty is so high that +you're not quite sure if you were kissed or not. Virtual kisses have the +advantage, however, that you need not have anyone else in the room with you to +enjoy them. + +Nietzscheian kiss - "she/he who does not kiss you, makes your lust stronger." + +Epimenidian kiss - a kiss given by someone who does not kiss. + +Grouchoic kiss - a kiss given by someone who will only kiss those who would not +kiss him or her. + +Harpoic kiss - shut up and kiss me. + +Zenoian kiss - your lips approach, closer and closer, but never actually touch. + +Procrustean kiss - well, suffice it to say that it is a technique that, once +you've experienced it, you'll never forget it, especially when applied to areas +of the anatomy other than the lips. + +Doctor Rude + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex205.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex205.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..cf5a6fa --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex205.txt @@ -0,0 +1,20 @@ + + + +Bumbling Trivia + + In proportion to its body size, the genitalia of a drone bee are among the +largest of any animal on earth. Mention this to the girls over bridge and +you'll definitely get the conversation off Tupperware. + The size of its equipment is thought to be directly related to the drone's +post-coital fate, namely death. The genitals are contained in the abdomen and +presumably getting them out of the abdomen for the purpose of mating places such +strain on the bee that it dies in the process. The proximate cause of the +drone's demise is that its privates are (urk) ripped off during the act. One +more reason for caution, boys, when we are fumbling around in the dark. + One last thing. Despite its status as bee stud, the drone is not itself +produced as a result of sex. On the contrary, it develops from an unfertilized +egg. (Fertilized eggs become either workers or queens.) Thus the queen bee is +capable of parthenogenesis and drone bees have no father, only a grandfather. +You think your family is dysfunctional; be glad you're not a bee. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex206.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex206.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..406264c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex206.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ + + + +A man walks towards the bathroom and starts yelling: "Son! How many times have +I told you not to do that? Don't play with yourself anymore. Stop it! If you +keep doing that, you'll go blind!" The son replies: "I'm over here, Dad, in +the hallway." + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex21.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex21.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..644b265 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex21.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What does Kodak and a condom have in common? +You use both to catch those special moments!!! + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex22.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex22.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..03128c7 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex22.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +When is the best time to wear a condom? +On every conceivable occasion! + + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex24.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex24.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5535a9f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex24.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +When the next earthquake strikes San Francisco, why will the gay men be the + first to evacuate? +They've already got their shit packed. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex25.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex25.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..fd83fba --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex25.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Why don't blondes wear mini-skirts in San Francisco ? +Because their balls hang out! + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex26.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex26.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..bb6fdea --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex26.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +Did you heard of the three gay guys in San Francisco who stopped a straight + woman on the street? +Well, two held the woman while the third one did her hair. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex27.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex27.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..549b120 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex27.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +If two lesbians and two fags leave New York for San Francisco, who gets there + first? +The lesbians. While they are doing 69, the fags are still packing their shit! + or +The lesbians, who go lickety split while the fags are still packing their shit! + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex28.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex28.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a9d069a --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex28.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What is the most common phrase uttered in a San Francisco gay bar? +Hi, can I push in your stool? + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex29.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex29.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..96b4188 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex29.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +Why did the homosexual leave home? +He didn't like the way he was being reared. + +Why did he come back? +He couldn't stand to leave his brother's behind. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex30.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex30.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..3468ca6 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex30.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What do a bungee jumper and a gay man have in common? +If the rubber breaks, they're both in the shit! + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex31.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex31.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b881b8c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex31.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Two condoms were walking along the street, when they passed a gay bar. +The first said to the second: "Want to go in and get shit-faced?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex32.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex32.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..2dc3031 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex32.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13 @@ + +A bartender in a gay bar was getting ready to close for the night when a robber +with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a +stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!" The scared bartender pleads, "Don't +shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the +cash register!" The bartender says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a +wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!". The crook takes the money then puts +the gun to the bartender's head and says, "Alright, now give me a blowjob!". +"Anything!", cries the bartender, "Just don't shoot!". The bartender starts to +blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun. The bartender +sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells +"Hold the gun, damn it! One of my friends might walk in!". + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex34.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex34.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..cfcebdf --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex34.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Did you hear the one about the two lesbians who were building a house together? +There were no studs in the house at all...just tongue and groove! + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex35.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex35.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..bca1f43 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex35.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Liberace was great on the piano +But sucked on the organ + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex36.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex36.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f3d8789 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex36.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + + Three male friends were in a bar one evening bragging about exploits and +abilities. The conversation finally turned to a comparison of genital +endowment. To prove their cases the three men placed said topics of +conversation on the bar for measurement. + Just then, another male patron, who preferred sexual partners of the same +gender, entered the bar and noticed the competition. The bartender asked the +man, "What'll ya have?" + The man replies, "Well, I was going to have a beer but I think I'll have +the buffet instead." + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex37.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex37.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d99adc0 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex37.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What do you get when you cross a dinosaur and a homosexual? +A megasoreass. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex38.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex38.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d297686 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex38.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Did you hear about the lesbian swimmer who was thrown out of the Olympics? +She kept lapping the other swimmers. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex39.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex39.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..4eb2703 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex39.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +What's the difference between a straight rodeo and a gay rodeo? +At a straight rodeo, they yell "Ride that sucker." + + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex4.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex4.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d73a4af --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex4.txt @@ -0,0 +1,23 @@ + + A young lad goes to the pharmacy to purchase some condoms. He's got a date +this weekend and wants to be prepared..."Just in case." He looks around and +doesn't quite know what to make of all the various packages, and finally asks a +clerk for some help. + "Sure, I can help you", says the clerk. "What do you want to know?" + "Well," replies the lad, "I have a date this weekend, and want to be +prepared...just in case, you know? But I've never bought condoms before and I +don't quite know what I should be getting." + "Well," says the clerk, "this here is a 3-pack of condoms. That should do +you just fine." + "Why 3?", says the lad. + "Well, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and an extra just in case one +breaks.", replies the clerk. + "Hmm....what's this 7-pack for?", says the lad. + "That's for if the relationship goes past the weekend. One for every day of +the week." says the clerk. + "Oh my, then what's this 12-pack for?", says the lad. + "Oh. You don't need that.", says the clerk. + "Well why not?", says the lad. "Seems to be more economical." + "Well," says the clerk, "That's for the married men. One for January, one +for February, one for March...." + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex41.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex41.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..25c592d --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex41.txt @@ -0,0 +1,144 @@ + +Murphy's Laws On Love and Sex + +All the good ones are taken. + +If the person isn't taken, there's a reason (corollary to the above law) + +The nicer someone is, the farther away (s)he is from you. + +Brains x Beauty x Availability = Constant + +The amount of love someone feels for you is inversely proportional to how much + you love them. + +Money can't buy love, but it sure gets you a great bargaining position. + +The best things in the world are free - and worth every penny of it. + +Every kind action has a not-so-kind reaction. + +Nice guys finish last. + +If it seems too good to be true, it probably is. + +The more beautiful the woman is who loves you, the easier it is to leave her + with no hard feelings. + +Nothing improves with age. + +No matter how many times you've had it, if it's offered take it, because it'll + never be quite the same again. + +Sex has no calories. + +Sex takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble. + +There is no remedy for sex but more sex. + +Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. + +No sex with anyone in the same office. + +Sex is like snow; you never know how many inches you are going to get or how + long it is going to last. + +A man in the house is worth two in the street. + +If you get them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. + +Virginity can be cured. + +When a man's wife learns to understand him, she usually stops listening to him. + and vice versa... + +Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. + +The qualities that most attract a woman to a man are usually the same ones she + can't stand years later. + +Sex is dirty only if it's done right. + +It is always the wrong time of month. + +The best way to hold a man is in your arms. + +When the lights are out, all women are beautiful. + +Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. + +Sow your wild oats on Saturday night; then on Sunday, pray for crop failure. + +The younger the better. + +The game of love is never called off on account of darkness. + +It was not the apple on the tree but the pair on the ground that caused the + trouble in the garden. + +Sex discriminates against the shy and the ugly. + +Before you find your handsome prince, you've got to kiss a lot of frogs. + +There may be some things better than sex, and some things worse than sex. But + there is nothing exactly like it. + +Love your neighbor, but don't get caught. + +Love is a hole in the heart. + +If the effort that went in research on the female bosom had gone into our space + program, we would now be running hot-dog stands on the moon. + +Love is a matter of chemistry, sex is a matter of physics. + +Do it only with the best. + +Sex is a three-letter word which needs some old-fashioned four-letter words to + convey its full meaning. + +One good turn gets most of the blankets. + +You cannot produce a baby in one month by impregnating nine women. + +Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. + +It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. + +Thou shalt not commit adultery, unless in the mood. + +Never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. + +Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song. + +Never argue with a women when she's tired, or rested. + +A woman never forgets the men she could have had; a man, the women he couldn't. + +What matters is not the length of the wand, but the magic in the stick. + +It is better to be looked over than overlooked. + +Never say no. + +A man can be happy with any woman as long as he doesn't love her. + +Beauty is skin deep; ugly goes right to the bone. + +A man is only a man, but a good bicycle is a ride. + +Love comes in spurts. + +Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation; the other eight are + unimportant. + +Don't do it if you can't keep it up. + +There is no difference between a wise man and a fool when they fall in love. + +Never go to bed mad, stay up and fight. + +Love is the delusion that one man or woman differs from another. + +"This won't hurt, I promise." + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex42.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex42.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..2a45036 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex42.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +I just got told this one by a friend who's in the UK. +What does an Essex girl use for protection during sex? +A bus shelter. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex44.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex44.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..8f3f8da --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex44.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Do you know what the square root of 69 is? +Ate something (8.xxxxxxx....) + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex45.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex45.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a8173e8 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex45.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +But do you know what 6.9 is? +A good thing fucked up by a period. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex46.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex46.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..8542115 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex46.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What is 69 squared? +Dinner for 4. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex47.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex47.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..75cc24f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex47.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What is 68? +You do me and I owe you one. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex48.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex48.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b8f1bb3 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex48.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +Q. What's the speed limit on sex? +A1. 68. At 69 she'll blow a rod. +A2. 68, at 69 you have to turn around. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex49.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex49.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..bd1edf8 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex49.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What is the meaning of 6.9 for a woman? +69 interrupted by a period! (ouch..gross!) + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex5.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex5.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..97bd013 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex5.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Why do cowboys use denim condoms? +Because they shrink to fit. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex50.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex50.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..fb8da7b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex50.txt @@ -0,0 +1,20 @@ + + A couple went to mass and took confession. The husband went into the +confessional and said "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned." + The father asked him the nature of this - to which he replied "While my wife +was bending over the freezer I had lustful thoughts and had my way with her." + The Priest tried explaining that having sex with your own wife was not a sin +and forgiveness was not needed. Still, the man insisted that he felt guilty. +The priest told him to say three Hail Mary's and be on his way. + Next, the wife went into the confessional and said that while she was leaning +over the freezer her husband had had his way with her. The priest asked her how +long she had been married. She replied it was three years now. The priest +tried to explain to her that it was quite proper for married people to have sex +and that there was nothing to be guilty about. Still, the woman insisted that +she felt guilty so the priest told her to say three Hail Mary's and think no +more about it. + As she turned to leave, the woman asked the priest if her and her husband +would be banned from the church. "Banned from the church?! Whatever gave you +that idea?' the priest queried. "Well," she said, "they banned us from the +supermarket!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex51.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex51.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e84040f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex51.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ + + One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on +the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says "I'm +sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay +fresh." + The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, +he rolls back over and taps his wife again. + This time he whispers in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow +too?." + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex52.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex52.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..fc4e9b6 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex52.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ + + These three women were sitting around one night talking about there +boyfriends when they decided they would give their men nicknames based on types +of soda. + The first woman said: "I'm gonna call Tom "Mountain Dew" because he is as +strong as a mountain and always wants to do it!" + The second woman said: "I'm gonna call Bruce "7-Up" because he has seven +inches and it is always up!" + The third woman said: "I'm gonna call my man "Jack Daniels." + The other two women responded: "Jack Daniels? But that's a hard liquor." + The third woman replied: "THAT'S MY LEROY!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex54.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex54.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..4e46da2 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex54.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next day +someone asked him how things had gone. "She uses too many four-letter words for +me," was the reply. "Really?" "Yes," answered the playboy. "All evening long +she was saying "don't" and "stop" and "quit that." + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex55.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex55.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0dd39ba --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex55.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ + + A fellow picked up a girl in a bar and took her home with him. After some +preliminary drinks and talk, they got undressed, climbed into bed and generally +got organized for a leg over. After a few minutes, the girl started laughing. +The fellow asked her what she found so amusing. "Your organ," she replied. +"It's a bit on the small side." Hurt, he replied: "It's not used to playing in +cathedrals." + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex56.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex56.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a220ddd --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex56.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +Some smart looking businessman dude was sitting in a bar drinking a beer one +night when a gorgeous well stacked blonde walked in. She says "For $250, I'll +do anything you want, only you have to describe it in three words or less". He +thinks about this a minute or so, pulls out $250, and says "Paint my house". + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex57.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex57.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f1e0523 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex57.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + + Two kids were having the standard argument about whose father could beat up +whose father. One boy said, "My father is better than your father." + The other kid said, "Well, my mother is better than your mother." + The first boy paused, "I guess you're right. My father says the same thing." + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex58.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex58.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..99eeb24 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex58.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +A man visited a fortuneteller and sat down in front of her crystal ball. "I see +you are the father of two children," she said. "That's what you think," the man +replied. "I'm the father of three children." The fortuneteller smiled and said, +"That's what *you* think." + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex59.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex59.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..3b3b3fb --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex59.txt @@ -0,0 +1,17 @@ + + For their golden anniversary, a couple decides to repeat their honeymoon +trip. They drive to the Poconos and find the same romantic lodge is still +there. A vibrant young couple, clearly very much in love, is checking in when +they arrive. The husband says "I'll just nip around by their window and see +what they do - we can maybe get some ideas to spice up our 50th year!" + Sure enough, through a crack in the curtains he sees the young couple engaged +in foreplay. They are naked, sitting on the floor some distance apart with +their legs spread. The young man is shooting marbles, aiming to lodge them +between her vertical lips; she is tossing doughnuts, aiming to ring them around +his erect member. After a few minutes of this they rush together and make +tumultuous love. + The old man is quite excited by this idea, and makes his way back to his +eagerly waiting wife. He describes the game, his wife getting more and more +inflamed herself. "Darling, this is going to be so good," she says: "Run right +out for some grapefruit and lifesavers!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex6.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex6.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e18a816 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex6.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Did you hear of the new reusable rubbers? +You turn them inside out and shake the fuck out of 'em. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex60.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex60.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..6d347fa --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex60.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ + + A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful +17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to +Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, +tell me, how was it?" + "Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love +almost every night, we -" + His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost +every night?" + "Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love +Tuesday..." + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex61.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex61.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f1a36fe --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex61.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + + This old geezer of 78 marries a girl of 18. The morning after the wedding +night, the girl comes down with a pained expression on her face. + "What's the matter, dear?" asks the woman at the front desk. + "Well," sniffed the girl, "He told me he'd been saving up for 60 years, and +I thought he meant his _money_". + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex62.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex62.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..bad22bb --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex62.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +An old man of 70 married a young girl of 18. When they got into bed the night +after the wedding, he held up three fingers. "Oh honey", said the young nymph, +"Does that mean we're going to do it three times?" "No", said the old man, "It +means you can take your pick." + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex64.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex64.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..806696f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex64.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ + + A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So, she proceeded +to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their +wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite +of the half-century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got +undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When +he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover a twelve-inch +erection, and was carrying a pair of earplugs and a pair of noseplugs. + Fearing her plan had gone desperately amiss, she asked "What are those for?" + The elderly gentleman replied, "There are just two things I can't stand: the +sound of a woman screaming, and the smell of burning rubber." + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex65.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex65.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..3b29bba --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex65.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? +A bingo machine. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex66.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex66.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1a6ae26 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex66.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ + + Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest +daughter walks in. + Child: Mother, where do babies come from? + Mom: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night, +they go into they're room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks +puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's +how you get a baby, honey. + Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room +you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that? + Mom: Jewelry, dear. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex67.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex67.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..97f089c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex67.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ + +Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies? +Mother: Why, a stork, little Johnny. +Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies? +Mother: A raven, dear. +Little Johnny: Then what kind of bird brings no babies at all? +Mother: A swallow! + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex68.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex68.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c4eda89 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex68.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ + + Little Johnny had to walk by a whorehouse on his way to school everyday. A +prostitute always sat outside and called out "Hi, Little Johnny!" (while +wiggling your pinky). Johnny asked why she always wiggled her pinky at him. +"Well that's about the size of your privates, isn't it?!?" She laughed at him. + The next day, Johnny walked by and she did it again: (wiggle your pinky) "Hi +Little Johnny" and Johnny said: (put your fingers in your mouth to spread apart +your lips and stretch out your mouth) "How you doing, lady!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex69.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex69.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..81d07b6 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex69.txt @@ -0,0 +1,15 @@ + + Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the +teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first. + One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven +first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God." + The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He +says: "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love." + "Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's +hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. Little Johnny, which +part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?" + Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked +him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. + He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my +mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh god, I'm coming!'" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex7.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex7.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c197489 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex7.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Did you hear of the new West Virginian rubbers... +They're open-ended for more sensitivity. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex70.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex70.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e1155fe --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex70.txt @@ -0,0 +1,25 @@ + + Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher was teaching the +alphabet. "Okay class, today I'm going to call out a letter. You have to stand +up when I call on you, recite the letter and a word that begins with the +letter. Ready? The first letter is 'A'." + Little Johnny, of course, instantly raises his hand eagerly. + The teacher thinks to herself, "I can't call on Johnny. He'll say 'asshole' +or 'asswipe' or something like that." So she calls on little Susie. + Susie stands up and says, "A. Apple." + "Very good Susie! Okay class, the next letter is 'C'." + Little Johnny again instantly raises his hand in earnest. + Again, the teacher thinks to herself, "I can't call Johnny. He'll say +'cocksucker' or 'cunt' or 'crap' or something like that." So she calls on +little Bart. + Bart stands up and says, "C. Cat." + "Very good Bart!" + Now the teacher starts thinking that if she doesn't come up with something +for Johnny to answer with, she'll go bonkers. Hmmmmm, 'R' doesn't have anything +too nasty? "Ok class, the next letter is 'R'." + Little Johnny hesitates and then raises his hand high as he can. + "Okay Johnny." + Little Johnny stands up and says, "R. Rats." + "Very good Johnny! Ok..." + Johnny blurts out, "BIG FUCKING RATS WITH COCKS THIS LONG!!!!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex71.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex71.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7011527 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex71.txt @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ + + Little Johnny, on a day when he was being particularly reckless, was playing +in the backyard one morning. Soon, some honeybees started swirling around, +annoying little Johnny. He began stomping on them in his temper. His father +caught him trampling the honeybees, and after a brief moment of thought said, +"That's it! No honey for you for one month!" + Later that afternoon, Johnny pondered upon some butterflies, and soon started +catching them and crushing them under his feet. His father again caught him, +and after a brief moment of thought, said, "No butter for you for one month!" + Early that evening, Johnny's mother was cooking dinner, and got jumpy when +cockroaches started scurrying around the kitchen floor. She began stomping on +them one by one until all the cockroaches were dead. Johnny's mother looked up +to find Johnny and his father standing there watching her. + To which Johnny said, "Are you going to tell her, Daddy, or do you want me +to?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex72.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex72.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5c41e00 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex72.txt @@ -0,0 +1,29 @@ + +The sky was dark +The moon was high +All alone just she and I +Her hair was soft +Her eyes were blue +I knew just what +She wanted to do +Her skin so soft +Her legs so fine +I ran my fingers +Down her spine +I didn't know how +But I tried my best +I started by placing +My hands on her breast +I remember my fear +My fast beating heart +But slowly she spread +Her legs apart +And when I did it +I felt no shame +All at once +The white stuff came +At last it's finished +It's all over now +My first time ever +At milking a cow... + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex74.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex74.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0ca4684 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex74.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What is the difference between erotic sex and kinky sex? +During erotic sex you use a feather, during kinky sex you use the whole chicken. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex75.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex75.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b643616 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex75.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ + + An Italian man was walking along a secluded beach one day, when he spotted a +beautiful naked woman lying on the beach. Unable to restrain himself, he +immediately jumped on her and proceeded to hump like a rabid rabbit. + Soon, however, the townspeople came out and began to beat the man, calling +him names. "Bastardo!" "Perverto!" They cried out desperately. + "Perverto? I am-a no perverto!" the man hollered back. + The people responded, "Idiot! Can't you see this woman is-a dead!?". + "Dead?!", he cried. "My God, I thought she was-a English!" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex76.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex76.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f7c432f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex76.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +Two friends reminiscing over sex... +This woman had a clitoris like a pickle! +What - so big? +No, so sour! + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex77.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex77.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..6b3728e --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex77.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Boyfriend: Do you smoke after sex? +Girlfriend: Dunno, I've never looked. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex78.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex78.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..3c988c2 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex78.txt @@ -0,0 +1,17 @@ + + A poor man told his wife, I am sick and tired of being poor, I am going to +work overseas. So, he took off to Africa. A few years later, he returned. As +he approached his house he got stunned with the luxurious and rich look of the +house. He knocked on the door, the servant opened. + "Is the housewife in?" he asked. + The servant replied: "Just a moment." The wife comes out: + Wife: Wow, my man, all dressed up as a rich man after these years. + Husband: Guess what? I am rich. + Wife: How? + Husband: I went to Africa, found people walk with no underwear and sleep on +sand, so I began to make and sell underwear and beds. Due to the high demand, +I got rich fast. + Wife: A man, with all of your strength, had to go all the way to Africa, +making beds and underwear, to get rich, and I am a little woman that stayed +here, without underwear and on a single bed...I got REAL rich. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex79.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex79.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..96f082c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex79.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +I met this gal in a bar, and one thing lead to another... I said, "Let's go +back to my place." She said, "Oh, do you have cable?" I said, "No, but I have +some old ropes that should hold just fine..." + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex8.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex8.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..14f4ffb --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex8.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +How did Dairy Queen get pregnant? +Burger King forgot to wrap his whopper. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex80.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex80.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a1114e2 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex80.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +Two WASPs are making love. Afterward the man says to the woman, "What's the +matter? Didn't you like it?" The woman says, "Of course I liked it. What +gave you the idea that I didn't?" "Well," says the man, "you moved." + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex81.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex81.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..24c4c26 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex81.txt @@ -0,0 +1,20 @@ + + One day, a father and his son were walking in the woods on their way home +when suddenly they came upon two dogs mating in the brush. + "What are they doing, Dad?" asked the small child, staring intently at the +scene before them. "They, um, they're making a puppy" said the boy's father, as +he grabbed his coat and moved him along quickly. + A few nights later, the little boy woke up and got up from his bed to go to +the bathroom. As he walked by his parents' room, he heard strange noises coming +from within. He opened the door and was surprised to see his father on top of +his mother, moving in a strange way. + His father looked up and saw his son - instantly, both mother and father +froze. As the boy's mother grabbed for the sheets to cover herself up, the +father got up and hustled his son out of the bedroom. + "What were you doing to Mom, Dad?" asked the little boy, who still wasn't +sure what he saw. "Your mother and I were, well, we were, ah, trying to make a +baby - you know, maybe a brother or sister for you" said the boy's father, now +confident that this would satisfy his son's curiosity. + "Oh" said the little boy, thinking hard for a minute. "Y'know Dad, when you +go back to bed with mom, turn her over, please - I'd rather have a puppy". + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex82.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex82.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..190784b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex82.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +The difference between a good girl and a nice girl: +A nice girl goes out on a date, goes home, and goes to bed. +A good girl goes out on a date, goes to bed, and then goes home. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex84.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex84.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..65029a5 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex84.txt @@ -0,0 +1,97 @@ + +Your Favorite Color Is The Key To Your Sexual Life + +Red + Tend to be tigers in the sack. They are easily aroused and enjoy sex in +every way imaginable. Once the sexual spark is lighted, it may take hours to +extinguish. When two Reds get together, the ensuing erotica could make Lady +Chatterley blush. Lovers of Red tend to be the aggressors and weaker colors +should beware! + +Yellow + If you tend to favor Yellow your sexual drivers are complex and lean toward +the adaptable. The favorite color of homosexuals is Yellow! No don't panic - +not everyone who wears Yellow is gay. In most cases the person will acquiesce +to the stronger partner's desires in a passive manner. You will never enjoy sex +to the fullest, but you will never turn down an invitation from someone you +enjoy or admire. + +Purple + Lovers of the color Purple frequently consider themselves too regal for a +fun romp in the sack. Women sometimes are the type who hate to muss their hair. +Men are businesslike in their approach to lovemaking. In both sexes, Purple +partners are more concerned with their fulfillment than anyone else's +gratification. + +Black + Black color preferences point to Black sex. These people are the misfits of +the sex world and seek out each other in kinship. They tend to prefer perverted +sex and are usually masochistic or sadistic in nature. They are moody people +and often perform at their peak when under stress or during unhappy times. +Police psychiatrists claim that many sex offenders prefer the color Black. And +it is no coincidence that the uniform of monsters and teenaged gangs is Black +attire. + +Green + Those who prefer Green are fresh and innocent in their approach to sex. +Women who love Green will make love like virgins all of their life. And a man +may always be a trifle clumsy and awkward, but in a charming and endearing sort +of way. Green lovers are gentle, but not passionate. If chosen as a mate, one +will never need worry about infidelity. + +Pink + Persons who like Pink show a reluctance to mature in sexual matters. Women +tend to tease; to promise more than they intend to deliver. In some cases, they +flaunt their femininity - but because they secretly hate men. A great percentage +of prostitutes boast entire lingerie wardrobes in Pink. Men who like Pink are +philanderers and flirts. They are the type who will take three dates for the +same evening and not keep one; preferring to pick up a dish in some bar, +instead. Women whose husbands like Pink should keep a secret nest egg for when +they are deserted. Pink indicates a tendency to squander money. + +Orange + People who favor Orange tend to have sexual fantasies. The sex act is +regarded as a dramatic role, a one-act play in which they are the star. Foreplay +is as important as the act of love. They whisper sweet nothings; meaningless +dialogue they feel fits their image. Orange people often do not experience +orgasm, but they put on a darn good act. Men tend to pull their partner's hair +and women leave red welts on their sex partners back. But the bruises and the +ballyhoo add up to nothing. + +Brown + If you love Brown, you are a real treasure for the right mate. Brown lovers +tend to be warm and deep. Sensitive to the needs and desires of their partners. +Sex is a 24-hour a day thing to them. They can't say "I Love You" often enough. +Snuggling by the fire, walking in the rain or catching snowflakes on their +tongue is a turn on to a lover of Brown. They need lots of time and privacy to +make love. But their emotions are such that one harsh word could end the affair. + +Gray + The color Gray is preferred by people who are indecisive. They can't get +excited about anything - including colors - so they choose a noncommittal +shade. Men who prefer Gray look at sex as a means of relieving tension, +(nothing more, nothing less). It's wham, bam, thank you ma'am. Women who +prefer Gray don't make love, they have intercourse. And for one of two reasons, +to accommodate their mate or to become pregnant. They count the cracks in the +bedroom plaster until the sex act is over with and done. When a Gray marries +another Gray, the marriage is made in heaven. But when teamed with another +color, the Gray spouse considers the color's infidelity a blessing. + +Blue + Lovers of Blue are wonderful sex partners. They are sincere, affectionate and +sensitive to their partners needs. They consider lovemaking a fine art and their +approach is elegant. Men who love Blue are like concert pianists; delicately +ravaging their partner like they would play a baby grand. Women in the Blue +category enjoy sex to the fullest. They are exciting partners, but their passion +might be compared to tidal waves rather than fiery aggression. Both men and +women enjoy foreplay and the aftermath of love-making as much as the sex act +itself. In marriage, a Blue person is a wonderful mate - never failing to please +the spouse and never seeking outside interests. + +White + If a person in infatuated with White, sex often seems dirty. These people +are puritanical in nature. French kissing is obscene and to make love in +daylight in unheard of. Women who love White will undress beneath the covers. +Men will shower before and after the sex act. These people will use pet names +for their genitals. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex85.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex85.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..125375d --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex85.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13 @@ + + Hi there. I'm a detective. My name is Friday. I work on Saturday. She's my +secretary. A guy walked by my office, I knew he was tall; we're on the seventh +floor. Last week, a woman walked into my office. She pulled out a pair of 45s, +then she pulled out a gun. She invited me to a party that night. As we were +driving to the party, we got a flat tire. I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she +jacked, then we got out and fixed the tire. When we got to the party, everyone +was feeling merry, but Mary had to leave. Then everyone started jumping for +joy, but Joy got a headache...so we left. We went to her place. A rock broke +through the window and hit her in the breast, I broke three fingers. I started +petting her pussy, then her cat walked in. Her husband showed up...told me to +beat it, so I did, then I left. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex86.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex86.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..bc53c38 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex86.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + + Hi, my name's Friday. Usually I work on Thursday. She's my secretary. One day +I was dictating to her when a rock crashed into the window, cutting my dick and +her tits. Later on we went to a party that night. On the way we had a flat tire. +I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she jacked, and then we went out to fix the flat +tire. When we finally got there everyone was jumping for joy. Joy was swinging +naked on the chandelier. Things soon quieted down and people were gay and +blowing bubbles. Bubbles didn't mind though, because he was gay anyway. We went +home and as we watched tv I pet her pussy. Her cat walked in and then her +father, who told me to beat it, so I did. Then I left. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex87.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex87.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..02e8395 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex87.txt @@ -0,0 +1,56 @@ + +The Dieter's Guide To Weight Loss During Sex + +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - +Activity Calories Burned Activity Calories Burned +- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - + +Removing Clothes: Orgasmic Intensity Scale: +With partner's consent.....12 Shoes flew off...............35 +Without partner's consent.187 Expression didn't change....1/2 + Orchestra swelled.............6 +Unhooking Bra: Birds sang +Using two calm hands........7 Large birds..................7 +Using one trembling hand...36 Small birds..................3 + Earth moved..................30 + +Lifting partner............15 Pulling Out: +Dragging partner on floor..16 After orgasm................1/2 +Using skateboard............3 A few moments before orgasm.500 + +Achieving Erections: Penis Envy: +For normal healthy man....2.5 For woman.....................3 +Losing erection............14 For men......................72 +Searching for it..........115 + Guilt: +Putting On Condom: Despite no formal training, +With erection.............1.5 orgasm comes easily..........53 +Without erection..........300 You're enjoying sex,despite the + fact that other people are +Inserting Diaphragm: starving......................2 +If the woman who does it is Sex on your lunch hour........3 +Experienced.................6 Putting it on expense account.. +Inexperienced..............73 20 +If a man does it..........680 Aggravation: +Add (5) calories for retrieving Partner keeps showing plants..5 +it from across the room. Partner insists on cuddling the + dog during foreplay..........14 + +According To Nationality: Partner visiting bathroom for +Italian- Man on top,woman in 7th time.....................10 +kitchen....................26 Partner taking phone calls....7 +Russian- Woman on bottom, Partner making phone calls...40 +Man getting permission.....55 +American- Both on top......60 Getting Caught: + By partner's spouse..........60 +Side Effects Intercourse: By your spouse..............100 +Bouncing....................7 Trying to explain............55 +Sliding around..............9 Trying to remain calm.......100 +Serious skidding...........12 Leaping out of bed...........75 +Whiplash...................27 Getting dressed in one motion + 500 + Thanking partner quickly......2 +Orgasm: +Real.......................27 +Faked.....................160 + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex88.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex88.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f6141f9 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex88.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + + At a party, the hostess served a politician a cup of punch and told him it +was spiked. Next, she served some to a minister. "I would rather commit +adultery than allow liquor to pass my lips," he proclaimed. Overhearing this, +the politician poured his punch back and said, "I didn't know we had a choice." + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex89.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex89.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b6d0df9 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex89.txt @@ -0,0 +1,15 @@ + + Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, +however, the laundry always get wet. All the laundry, that is, except for +Sophie's. The other two women wonder why Sophie never has her laundry out on +the days that it rains. + So one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes on the +line when one of the women says to Sophie, "Say, how come when it rains, your +laundry is never out?" + "Well," says Sophie, "when I wake up in the morning, I look over at Saul. If +his penis is hanging over his *right* leg, I know it's going to be a great day, +and I can hang out the wash. If his penis is hanging over his *left* leg, I +know it's going to rain, so I don't hang out the wash." + "What if he has an erection?" asks one of the women. + "Honey," says Sophie, "on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry*." + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex9.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex9.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..53903f8 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex9.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +Written on a condom vending machine: +These chewing gums don't taste too good!!! + +Written on another one of the condom vending machines: +For refund, insert baby. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex90.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex90.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5612b61 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex90.txt @@ -0,0 +1,19 @@ + + A bartender has a problem with a regular customer who nightly proclaims that +he's the baddest ass person around. Eventually tiring of this boasting, the +bartender says "If you're such a bad ass, then you'll have to prove it to me." + The customer says "No problem, name it." + The bartender says" Okay, there's three things you have to do: first, there's +this big bully at the end of the bar who's been hassling my customers all night; +you have to kick him out of the bar. Secondly, I have an alligator in the back +room that has had an abcessed tooth for the past week, you have to pull it. +Third, there's a hooker up stairs who's never been satisfied, you have to go up +there and make her come. + The customer replies, "No problem" and commences to kick the bully out of the +bar. After that he says "OK, show me to the alligator." The bartender takes +the man to the back room and shuts the door. + For about an hour there's a tremendous ruckus going on in the back room. The +man eventually emerges with his clothes all torn and his body scratched and +bitten, he goes up to the bartender and says "OK, where's the hooker with the +abcessed tooth?" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex91.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex91.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f40fadb --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex91.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + + A little boy and a little girl are playing. The little boy pulls down his +shorts and says, "*I* have one of these and you *don't*." The little girl +starts crying and crying and runs home to her mother. + The next day the boy and the girl are playing together again. Once again the +boy points to his private parts and says, "*I* have one of these and you +*don't*." But the little girl just keeps on playing. + "How come you're not crying today," asks the boy. + "My mother told me," says the little girl, pulling up her dress, "that with +one of *these*, I can get as many of *those* as I want." + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex92.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex92.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5a35978 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex92.txt @@ -0,0 +1,23 @@ + + A young couple is living on a farm. One evening a flying saucer lands on the +farm, right next to their house. Out of the flying saucer steps a young Martian +couple, and they look very much like humans. The earth woman invites the +Martians for dinner. They all sit down and start talking. They begin +exchanging ideas and traditions, and they get to liking each other so much that +they decide to switch partners for the night. The farmer and the Martian's wife +go into one of the rooms, and the farmer's wife and the Martian man go into the +other room. + As the Martian man takes off his pants, the farmer's wife looks down and sees +that his phallus is extremely small. "What are you gonna do with that?" she +says. "I'll show you," he says, and proceeds to twist his right ear. Suddenly +his penis extends to a foot and a half. However, it is still only as thick as a +pencil. "That's pretty long," says the woman, "but it's really not very wide." +The Martian then reaches up, twists his left ear, and he becomes as thick as a +huge sausage. They then proceed to have sex. + The next morning, the Martians take off and the farmer and his wife are +having breakfast. + "So, how was it?" asks the farmer. + "It was great," says the wife, "the best sex I've ever had! How was yours?" + "Well," says the farmer, "it was kinda weird. All night long she kept +playing with my ears." + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex94.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex94.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b72be1d --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex94.txt @@ -0,0 +1,13 @@ + + Mrs. Jones goes to see her obstetrician, Dr. Smith. She says, "Dr. Smith, I'm +pregnant again. I need a hearing aid." + Dr. Smith says, "Mrs. Jones, I thought we decided last time that your twelve +children were more than you could handle, and that you should not get pregnant +again. I'm going to give you a powerful contraceptive." + Mrs. Jones replies, "But, doctor, I don't need a contraceptive. I need a +hearing aid." + Dr. Smith: "How come, Mrs. Jones?" + Mrs. Jones: "Well, you see, doctor, I'm kinda hard of hearing. At night, +when the mister and I turn off the lights and go to bed, he asks me, 'Do you +want to go to sleep, or what?' And, I always say, 'What?'" + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex95.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex95.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..82d7dcd --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex95.txt @@ -0,0 +1,20 @@ + + Little Red Riding Hood is riding through the woods to see her grandmother. As +she enters the woods a birds lands on her shoulder and exclaims "Little Red +Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, please don't go any further. The big bad +wolf says he's going to get you and fondle you. Little Red Riding Hood +disregards the bird's warning and proceeds even further into the woods. A +little bit later, a squirrel catches her attention and cries "Little Red Riding +Hood, please don't go any further! The big bad wolf is going to get you and +fondle you!" Little Red Riding Hood responds with mocking laughter and +continues on into the woods. Some time later, a fox comes bounding out of the +woods hollering for Little Red Riding Hood to turn back. "Little Red Riding +Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, please please don't go any further. The big bad +wolf is just up ahead. He's going to get you and fondle you!" Little Red +Riding Hood blows him off as she did the others and rides on. A few moments +later, the big bad wolf makes his promised appearance. He leaps out of the +woods growling menacingly "Little Red Riding Hood, Little Red Riding Hood, I'm +going to get you and fondle you!" Little Red Riding Hood nonchalantly reaches +into her knapsack, pulls out a pistol, looks the wolf squarely in the eyes and +says "no you're not, you are going to eat me like the story says." + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex96.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex96.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c7d995f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex96.txt @@ -0,0 +1,26 @@ + +It seems that mathematics isn't so impeccable after all! Especially when it +comes to sex! Here are some mathematical truisms that didn't quite hold up! + +If you are having sex with TWO women and ONE more woman walks in, what do you + have? +Divorce proceedings, most likely. + +If you have two friends and six women, how many women do each of your friends + get? +None. + +Is three an odd number? +Not in this day and age. + +If a 6-inch penis can attract 10 women, how many women can an 18-inch penis + attract? +Two billion. + +If you go to bed 9 hours before you have to wake up, and you wife wants to have + 2 hours of sex, how much sleep will you get? +8 hours, 59 minutes - who cares what she wants! + +How are math and sex the same? +I don't get either one. + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex97.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex97.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b717afd --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex97.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree? +Hold on to your nuts, this is going to be a hell of a blowjob! + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex98.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex98.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e75bc4c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex98.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What do you do in case of fallout? +Put it back in and take shorter strokes! + diff --git a/ai/learn/sex/sex99.txt b/ai/learn/sex/sex99.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9503e35 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/learn/sex/sex99.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What did Adam say to Eve? +You'd better stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets. + diff --git a/ai/test/clinton/clinton13.txt b/ai/test/clinton/clinton13.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..03a1e01 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/clinton/clinton13.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ +A Jewish doctor said, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a + United States, and God said you are welcomed to heaven. + He then look at Bill Clinton and said who are you? + Bill Clinton replied I am the President of the United States. + And God said you are welcomed to Heaven. + He then turned to Hillary Clinton and said who are you? + Hillary Clinton said I am the First Lady AND I THINK YOU ARE IN MY SEAT!!! diff --git a/ai/test/clinton/clinton23.txt b/ai/test/clinton/clinton23.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d804bd2 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/clinton/clinton23.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +Q: What is the difference between Hillary Rodham Clinton and the Panama + Canal? +A: The Panama Canal is a busy ditch diff --git a/ai/test/clinton/clinton3.txt b/ai/test/clinton/clinton3.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1574df1 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/clinton/clinton3.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Q: Do you know why Hillary wears turtle-neck shirts? +A: So you can't see her adams-apple move when Bill talks! diff --git a/ai/test/clinton/clinton33.txt b/ai/test/clinton/clinton33.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..2cfc3b7 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/clinton/clinton33.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +While traveling with his family in Air Force 1; Bill suddenly gets a bright +idea. Turning to Hilary, he says: "Why don't you throw a $10 bill out of +the window and make someone very happy today?" diff --git a/ai/test/clinton/clinton43.txt b/ai/test/clinton/clinton43.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..337026b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/clinton/clinton43.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +When Willie asked the third what he wanted, he was shocked to hear: "I want a +grave site at Arlington National Cemetary." +"I can do that," said Willie, "but why do you want a grave at Arlington?" diff --git a/ai/test/clinton/clinton53.txt b/ai/test/clinton/clinton53.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..fdf58ba --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/clinton/clinton53.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ +It seems a man went into a bar, and saw Komrade Klinton on the tv and made a +rather disgusting remark about the president's being a real horse's @@@. +Almost immediately he was soundly decked by one of the other customers. Upon +getting the cobwebs out of his brain, he remarked, "Gee, this must be real +Clinton country around here." "No," came the reply, "this is horse country." + +What is 15 inches long and hangs down directly in front of a horse's a**? +Bill Clinton's necktie diff --git a/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer103.txt b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer103.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..26e547c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer103.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ + A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over + lawyers he saw on the side of the street.Everytime he would + hit a lawyer he would hear a thump.One day he saw a priest + on the side of the road so he pulled over and asked the preist + where he was going "To the church 5 miles down the road" + he replied so the truck driver asked if he would like a ride.the + priest got in the truck.about a mile down the road the truck + driver saw a lawyer he swerved to hit him but then + remember the preist was with him,yet he still heard the + thump noise.he woundered why. "I'm sorry I almost hit that + lawyer" the truck driver said. "Thats ok I got him with the + door" the priest answed back. diff --git a/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer13.txt b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer13.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..74acb85 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer13.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +What's the difference between God and a lawyer? +- God doesn't think he's a lawyer. diff --git a/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer203.txt b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer203.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..cbab02e --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer203.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer? +A hooker will stop fucking you when you're dead. + diff --git a/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer213.txt b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer213.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..31fe783 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer213.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? +Shoot him before he hits the water. + diff --git a/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer223.txt b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer223.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a93e1ea --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer223.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Where can you find a good lawyer? +In the cemetery + diff --git a/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer23.txt b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer23.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a794362 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer23.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? +- When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck +defiance. diff --git a/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer233.txt b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer233.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..3153ea9 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer233.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb? +Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant. + diff --git a/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer243.txt b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer243.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..4e93807 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer243.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub- scribed to +a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate a +shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice, "Only a shilling to bury an +attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20 more of them." + diff --git a/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer253.txt b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer253.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..6fe8016 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer253.txt @@ -0,0 +1,14 @@ + +These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the +Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose +some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air +in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, +"I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry +yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And the man on +the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George +turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can +you tell?". George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and +totally useless". That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still +worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink, and make the front +page of the New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer". + diff --git a/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer263.txt b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer263.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..dee7a8e --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer263.txt @@ -0,0 +1,43 @@ + + A little old lady walked into the head branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank +holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the window +that she wished to take the 3 million she had in the bag and open an account +with the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of +Chase Manhattan Bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller seemed to +think that was a reasonable request and after opening the paper bag and seeing +the bundles of 1,000 bills which amounted to right around 3 million, telephoned +the bank's secretary to obtain an appointment for the lady. + The lady was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. +Introductions were made and she stated that she would like to get to know the +people she did business with on a more personal level. The bank president then +asked her where she came into such a large amount of money. "Was it an +inheritance?" he asked. "No." she answered. "Was it from playing the stock +market?" "No." she replied. He was quiet for a minute, trying to think of +where this little old lady could possibly come into 3 million. "I bet." she +stated. "You bet?" repeated the bank president. "As in horses?" "No." she +replied, "I bet people." Seeing his confusion, she explained that she justs +bets different things with people. All of a sudden she said, "I'll bet you +$25,000.00 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning, your balls will be square." +The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up +on the bet. He didn't see how he could lose. For the rest of the day, the bank +president was very careful. He decided to stay home that evening and take no +chances; there was $25,000.00 at stake. + When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure +everything was okay. There was no difference- he looked the same as he always +had. He went to work and waited for the little old lady to come in at 10:00 +o'clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be a good day- how often do you +get handed $25,000.00 for doing nothing. At 10:00 o'clock sharp the little old +lady was shown into his office. With her was a younger man. When he inquired as +to the man's purpose for being there, she informed him that he was her lawyer +and she always took him along when there was this much money involved. "Well," +she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he +replied, "but I am the same as I've always been only $25,000.00 richer." The +lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see for herself. +The bank president thought this was reasonable and dropped his trousers. She +instructed him to bend over and then grabbed a hold of him. Sure enough, +everything was fine. The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer +standing across the room banging his head against the wall. "What' wrong with +him?" he inquired. "Oh him," she replied, "I bet him $100,000.00 that by 10:00 +o'clock this morning that I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the +balls." + diff --git a/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer273.txt b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer273.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5aa80dd --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer273.txt @@ -0,0 +1,52 @@ + +WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS + +1300. 01 GENERAL + +1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest +attorneys. + +2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of +currency as bait is prohibited. + +3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, +remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash. + +4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, +helicopter, or aircraft. + +5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for +the purpose of trapping attorneys. + +6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships. + +7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or +vehicle accidents to attract attorneys. + +8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law +libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals. + +9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to +hunt, trap, or possess it. + +10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection +for AIDS, rabies, and vermin. + +11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug +dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax +accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys. + +BAG LIMITS + + 1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2 + 2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1 + 3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4 + 4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3 + 5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2 + 6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT + 7. Cut-throat 2 + 8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2 + 9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2 +10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY +11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7 + diff --git a/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer283.txt b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer283.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..88f8cf9 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer283.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ + +Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While +several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the +customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their +wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something +in lawyer number two's hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, +"What is this?", to which lawyer number one replies, "it's that $50 I owe you." + diff --git a/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer293.txt b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer293.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7ccf1a6 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer293.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +A great line by Danny de Vito in Other People's Money: + Of course I've got lawyers. They are like nuclear weapons: I've got em coz +everyone else has. But as soon as you use them they fuck everything up. + diff --git a/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer3.txt b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer3.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..58f1295 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer3.txt @@ -0,0 +1 @@ +- LAWSUIT, n. A machine you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage. diff --git a/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer303.txt b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer303.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..dd75dfe --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer303.txt @@ -0,0 +1,19 @@ + + About 1900, a very respectable Western lawyer was filing some insurance +papers when he came to the question: "If your father is dead, state the cause." +Unwilling to reveal that his father had been hanged for cattle rustling, the +lawyer evaded the problem by answering this way: "He died while taking part in a +public ceremony when the platform gave way." + After successfully passing the bar exam, a man opened his own law office. He +was sitting idle at his desk when his secretary announced that a Mr. Jones had +arrived to see him. + "Show him right in!" our lawyer replied. + As Mr. Jones was being ushered in, our lawyer had an idea. He quickly picks +up the phone and shouts into it "And you tell them that we won't accept less +then fifty thousand dollars, and don't even call me until you agree to that +amount!" + Slamming the phone down he stood up and greeted Mr. Jones; "Good Morning, Mr. +Jones, what can I do for you?" + "I'm from the phone company" Mr. Jones replied, "I'm here to connect your +phone." + diff --git a/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer313.txt b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer313.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b7adde5 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer313.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's the difference between baseball and law? +In baseball, if you're caught stealing, you're out. + diff --git a/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer323.txt b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer323.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d21890b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer323.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Have you heard about the lawyers word processor? +No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print. + diff --git a/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer33.txt b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer33.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..edc18cb --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer33.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +How can you tell when your lawyer is lying? +- His lips move. diff --git a/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer43.txt b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer43.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..37a1867 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer43.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Why does a lawyer wear a tie? +- To keep the foreskin from slipping over his head diff --git a/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer53.txt b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer53.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a80ca20 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer53.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +- He had just eaten a lawyer and was trying to get the taste out of his +mouth! diff --git a/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer63.txt b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer63.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b6b8ab3 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer63.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ +A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were +thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, +St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the +lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants +took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and +into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all +this attention, but what makes me so special?" +St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed +your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!" diff --git a/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer73.txt b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer73.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..54a2ace --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/lawyer/lawyer73.txt @@ -0,0 +1,2 @@ +Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone +asked. "Oh, not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern." diff --git a/ai/test/math/math103.txt b/ai/test/math/math103.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f8e9038 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/math/math103.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ + +A guy decided to go to the brain transplant clinic to refreshen his +supply of brains. The secretary informed him that they had three +kinds of brains available at that time. Doctors' brains were going +for $20 per ounce and lawyers' brains were getting $30 per ounce. And +then there were mathematicians' brains which were currently fetching +$1000 per ounce. + +"A 1000 dollars an ounce!" he cried. "Why are they so expensive?" + +"It takes more mathematicians to get an ounce of brains," she explained. + diff --git a/ai/test/math/math113.txt b/ai/test/math/math113.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a5bd7c2 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/math/math113.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +Did you hear the one about the statistician? + +Probably.... + diff --git a/ai/test/math/math123.txt b/ai/test/math/math123.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..2030606 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/math/math123.txt @@ -0,0 +1,89 @@ + + Definitions of Terms Commonly Used in Higher Math + + The following is a guide to the weary student of mathematics who + is often confronted with terms which are commonly used but rarely + defined. In the search for proper definitions for these terms we + found no authoritative, nor even recognized, source. Thus, we + followed the advice of mathematicians handed down from time + immortal: "Wing It." + + + CLEARLY: I don't want to write down all the "in- + between" steps. + + TRIVIAL: If I have to show you how to do this, you're + in the wrong class. + + OBVIOUSLY: I hope you weren't sleeping when we discussed + this earlier, because I refuse to repeat it. + + RECALL: I shouldn't have to tell you this, but for + those of you who erase your memory tapes + after every test... + + WLOG (Without Loss Of Generality): I'm not about to do all the + possible cases, so I'll do one and let you + figure out the rest. + + IT CAN EASILY BE SHOWN: Even you, in your finite wisdom, should + be able to prove this without me holding your + hand. + + CHECK or CHECK FOR YOURSELF: This is the boring part of the + proof, so you can do it on your own time. + + SKETCH OF A PROOF: I couldn't verify all the details, so I'll + break it down into the parts I couldn't + prove. + + HINT: The hardest of several possible ways to do a + proof. + + BRUTE FORCE (AND IGNORANCE): Four special cases, three counting + arguments, two long inductions, "and a + partridge in a pair tree." + + SOFT PROOF: One third less filling (of the page) than + your regular proof, but it requires two extra + years of course work just to understand the + terms. + + ELEGANT PROOF: Requires no previous knowledge of the subject + matter and is less than ten lines long. + + SIMILARLY: At least one line of the proof of this case is + the same as before. + + CANONICAL FORM: 4 out of 5 mathematicians surveyed + recommended this as the final form for their + students who choose to finish. + + TFAE (The Following Are Equivalent): If I say this it means that, + and if I say that it means the other thing, + and if I say the other thing... + + BY A PREVIOUS THEOREM: I don't remember how it goes (come to + think of it I'm not really sure we did this + at all), but if I stated it right (or at + all), then the rest of this follows. + + TWO LINE PROOF: I'll leave out everything but the conclusion, + you can't question 'em if you can't see 'em. + + BRIEFLY: I'm running out of time, so I'll just write + and talk faster. + + LET'S TALK THROUGH IT: I don't want to write it on the board lest + I make a mistake. + + PROCEED FORMALLY: Manipulate symbols by the rules without any + hint of their true meaning (popular in pure + math courses). + + QUANTIFY: I can't find anything wrong with your proof + except that it won't work if x is a moon of + Jupiter (Popular in applied math courses). + + PROOF OMITTED: Trust me, It's true. + diff --git a/ai/test/math/math13.txt b/ai/test/math/math13.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..dd1dc2d --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/math/math13.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ + +2 monograms 1 diagram +8 nickles 2 paradigms +2 wharves 1 paradox + +10E5 bicycles 2 megacycles + +1 unit of suspense in an Agatha Christie novel 1 whod unit + diff --git a/ai/test/math/math133.txt b/ai/test/math/math133.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5bdfc76 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/math/math133.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +"The world is everywhere dense with idiots." + - LFS + diff --git a/ai/test/math/math23.txt b/ai/test/math/math23.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e8d4eec --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/math/math23.txt @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ + +An engineer, physicist, and mathematician are all challenged with a +problem: to fry an egg when there is a fire in the house. The +engineer just grabs a huge bucket of water, runs over to the fire, and +puts it out. The physicist thinks for a long while, and then measures +a precise amount of water into a container. He takes it over to the +fire, pours it on, and with the last drop the fire goes out. The +mathematician pores over pencil and paper. After a few minutes he +goes "Aha! A solution exists!" and goes back to frying the egg. + +Sequel: This time they are asked simply to fry an egg (no fire). The +engineer just does it, kludging along; the physicist calculates +carefully and produces a carefully cooked egg; and the mathematician +lights a fire in the corner, and says "I have reduced it to the +previous problem." + diff --git a/ai/test/math/math3.txt b/ai/test/math/math3.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7064ebe --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/math/math3.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +We use epsilons and deltas in mathematics because mathematicians tend +to make errors. + diff --git a/ai/test/math/math33.txt b/ai/test/math/math33.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..eb0d689 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/math/math33.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ + +When considering the behaviour of a howitzer: + +A mathematician will be able to calculate where the shell will land. + +A physicist will be able to explain how the shell gets there. + +An engineer will stand there and try to catch it. + diff --git a/ai/test/math/math43.txt b/ai/test/math/math43.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..bdd9ced --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/math/math43.txt @@ -0,0 +1,94 @@ + 2 \pi i ] z - \zeta + + C + +where C represents the boundary of the desert. Its value is f(zeta), +i.e. there is a lion in the cage [3]. + +1.9 The Wiener-Tauber method + +We obtain a tame lion, L_0, from the class L(-\infinity,\infinity), +whose fourier transform vanishes nowhere. We put this lion somewhere +in the desert. L_0 then converges toward our cage. According to the +general Wiener-Tauner theorem [4] every other lion L will converge +toward the same cage. (Alternatively we can approximate L arbitrarily +close by translating L_0 through the desert [5].) + +2 Theoretical Physics Methods + +2.1 The Dirac method + +We assert that wild lions can ipso facto not be observed in the Sahara +desert. Therefore, if there are any lions at all in the desert, they +are tame. We leave catching a tame lion as an exercise to the reader. + +2.2 The Schroedinger method + +At every instant there is a non-zero probability of the lion being in +the cage. Sit and wait. + +2.3 The Quantum Measurement Method + +We assume that the sex of the lion is _ab initio_ indeterminate. The +wave function for the lion is hence a superposition of the gender +eigenstate for a lion and that for a lioness. We lay these eigenstates +out flat on the ground and orthogonal to each other. Since the (male) +lion has a distinctive mane, the measurement of sex can safely be made +from a distance, using binoculars. The lion then collapses into one of +the eigenstates, which is rolled up and placed inside the cage. + +2.4 The nuclear physics method + +Insert a tame lion into the cage and apply a Majorana exchange +operator [6] on it and a wild lion. + +As a variant let us assume that we would like to catch (for argument's +sake) a male lion. We insert a tame female lion into the cage and +apply the Heisenberg exchange operator [7], exchanging spins. + +2.5 A relativistic method + +All over the desert we distribute lion bait containing large amounts +of the companion star of Sirius. After enough of the bait has been +eaten we send a beam of light through the desert. This will curl +around the lion so it gets all confused and can be approached without +danger. + +3 Experimental Physics Methods + +3.1 The thermodynamics method + +We construct a semi-permeable membrane which lets everything but lions +pass through. This we drag across the desert. + +3.2 The atomic fission method + +We irradiate the desert with slow neutrons. The lion becomes +radioactive and starts to disintegrate. Once the disintegration +process is progressed far enough the lion will be unable to resist. + +3.3 The magneto-optical method + +We plant a large, lense shaped field with cat mint (nepeta cataria) +such that its axis is parallel to the direction of the horizontal +component of the earth's magnetic field. We put the cage in one of the +field's foci . Throughout the desert we distribute large amounts of +magnetized spinach (spinacia oleracea) which has, as everybody knows, +a high iron content. The spinach is eaten by vegetarian desert +inhabitants which in turn are eaten by the lions. Afterwards the +lions are oriented parallel to the earth's magnetic field and the +resulting lion beam is focussed on the cage by the cat mint lense. + +[1] After Hilbert, cf. E. W. Hobson, "The Theory of Functions of a Real + Variable and the Theory of Fourier's Series" (1927), vol. 1, pp 456-457 +[2] H. Seifert and W. Threlfall, "Lehrbuch der Topologie" (1934), pp 2-3 +[3] According to the Picard theorem (W. F. Osgood, Lehrbuch der + Funktionentheorie, vol 1 (1928), p 178) it is possible to catch every lion + except for at most one. +[4] N. Wiener, "The Fourier Integral and Certain of its Applications" (1933), + pp 73-74 +[5] N. Wiener, ibid, p 89 +[6] cf e.g. H. A. Bethe and R. F. Bacher, "Reviews of Modern Physics", 8 + (1936), pp 82-229, esp. pp 106-107 +[7] ibid + diff --git a/ai/test/math/math53.txt b/ai/test/math/math53.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5e41f3b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/math/math53.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +The Programmers' Cheer -- + +Shift to the left, shift to the right! +Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte! + diff --git a/ai/test/math/math63.txt b/ai/test/math/math63.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b2e629c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/math/math63.txt @@ -0,0 +1,25 @@ + +THE STORY OF BABEL: + +In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by +the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they +grew to large numbers and prospered. + +One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far +as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical +edifice that was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further +up they went ... until one night the edifice collapsed under the +weight of paradox. + +The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge +structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians +climbed out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was +killed; but when they began to speak to one another, SUPRISE of all +surprises! they could not understand each other. They all spoke +different languages. They all fought amongst themselves and each went +about their own way. To this day the Topologists remain the original +Mathematicians. + + - adapted from an American Indian legend + of the Mound Of Babel + diff --git a/ai/test/math/math73.txt b/ai/test/math/math73.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c463b6e --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/math/math73.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Asked how his pet parrot died, the mathematician answered + "Polynomial. Polygon." + diff --git a/ai/test/math/math83.txt b/ai/test/math/math83.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..4aa7e50 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/math/math83.txt @@ -0,0 +1,21 @@ + +An engineer, a mathematician, and a physicist went to the races one +Saturday and laid their money down. Commiserating in the bar after +the race, the engineer says, "I don't understand why I lost all my +money. I measured all the horses and calculated their strength and +mechanical advantage and figured out how fast they could run..." + +The physicist interrupted him: "...but you didn't take individual +variations into account. I did a statistical analysis of their +previous performances and bet on the horses with the highest +probability of winning..." + +"...so if you're so hot why are you broke?" asked the engineer. But +before the argument can grow, the mathematician takes out his pipe and +they get a glimpse of his well-fattened wallet. Obviously here was a +man who knows something about horses. They both demanded to know his +secret. + +"Well," he says, between puffs on the pipe, "first I assumed all the +horses were identical and spherical..." + diff --git a/ai/test/math/math93.txt b/ai/test/math/math93.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0aa323b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/math/math93.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +Definition: + + Jogging girl scout = Brownian motion. + diff --git a/ai/test/medical/medical103.txt b/ai/test/medical/medical103.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f5adca4 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/medical/medical103.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ + +A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular +procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis. +Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. +After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, +grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth. The girl was +startled and exclaimed, "What was that?". Suddenly the penis came back, took +another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a +moment, then finally said, "I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... +Can you do that again?" With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, +"Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!" + diff --git a/ai/test/medical/medical113.txt b/ai/test/medical/medical113.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..93a327a --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/medical/medical113.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +A Soviet emigre surgeon tells a patient: "The operation will cost three thousand +dollars, but we can save a little by not sharpening the knife." + diff --git a/ai/test/medical/medical123.txt b/ai/test/medical/medical123.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f7c24cc --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/medical/medical123.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +A Soviet emigre is forced to seek doctor's advice because his breath smells +terrible. The doctor examines him and says: "Either stop biting your nails or +stop scratching your hemorrhoids." + diff --git a/ai/test/medical/medical13.txt b/ai/test/medical/medical13.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7ac5bb9 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/medical/medical13.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ + + Doctor: I have some good news and I have some bad news, which shall I tell +first? + Patient: Do begin with the bad news, please. + Doctor: All Right. Your son has drowned, your daughter has been raped, your +wife has divorced you, your house got blown away, and you have AIDS. + Patient: Good grief! What's the good news? + Doctor: The good news is that there is no more bad news. + diff --git a/ai/test/medical/medical133.txt b/ai/test/medical/medical133.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..793968b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/medical/medical133.txt @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ + + This man is waiting for his wife to deliver his first child. When the doctor +comes out of the operating room, he comes up to him and asks to see his wife and +baby. + Doctor: I have something to tell you... Your baby has got no legs... + Father: Oh... I guess it's still my son. Let me see it. + Doctor: He's got no arms either... + Father: That bad, uh? I have to see it! + Doctor: And he's got no trunk either... No head... Actually, it's only an +ear... + Father: ... + Then they go in a sterile room where a nurse carries in a cradle with a huge +ear in it. + Father: My son!!! Flesh of my flesh!!! Blood of my blood!!! + Doctor: LOUDER!!! He's deaf too... + diff --git a/ai/test/medical/medical143.txt b/ai/test/medical/medical143.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..3b7874f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/medical/medical143.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +Patient: Doctor, ya gotta help me. Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm. +Doctor: Really! What are you taking for it? +Patient (with a grin): Black pepper! + diff --git a/ai/test/medical/medical153.txt b/ai/test/medical/medical153.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..8850ad1 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/medical/medical153.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +Did you hear about the nurse who swallowed a razor blade? +She gave herself a tonsilectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, and + circumcised three of the doctors on her shift. + diff --git a/ai/test/medical/medical163.txt b/ai/test/medical/medical163.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7e8c3e4 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/medical/medical163.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ + +A doctor told the boy, "This injection won't hurt a bit." That's an MD promise. + diff --git a/ai/test/medical/medical173.txt b/ai/test/medical/medical173.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..12322c5 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/medical/medical173.txt @@ -0,0 +1,10 @@ + +Things Not To Do While You Are With Your Wife In Labor In The Delivery Room + +1) Clip your toenails. +2) Read a Playboy magazine. +3) Tell the doctor that you want the afterbirth to have it bronzed. +4) Flirt with the nurse. +5) Watch a football game on your portable television. +6) Tell her how pretty and sexy she looks right now. + diff --git a/ai/test/medical/medical183.txt b/ai/test/medical/medical183.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d96193f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/medical/medical183.txt @@ -0,0 +1,19 @@ + + A somewhat advanced society has figured how to package basic knowledge in +pill form. + A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of +knowledge pills are available. The pharmacist says "Here's a pill for English +literature." The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge +about English literature! + "What else do you have?" asks the student. + "Well, I have pills for art history, biology, and world history," replies the +pharmacist. + The student asks for these, and swallows them and has new knowledge about +those subjects. + Then the student asks, "Do you have a pill for math?" + The pharmacist says "Wait just a moment", goes back into the storeroom, +brings back a whopper of a pill, and plunks it on the counter. + "I have to take that huge pill for math?" inquires the student. + The pharmacist replied "Well, you know math always was a little hard to +swallow." + diff --git a/ai/test/medical/medical193.txt b/ai/test/medical/medical193.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..215a0e7 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/medical/medical193.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +A man walks into a psychiatrists office and tells him, "I have an identity +problem..... So do I." + diff --git a/ai/test/medical/medical203.txt b/ai/test/medical/medical203.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..5acb5b8 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/medical/medical203.txt @@ -0,0 +1,20 @@ + + Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of +years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible +compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife +suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill +indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on +his own. + One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could +see at once that something was seriously wrong. + "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. + "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my +penis into the pickle slicer?" + "Oh, Bill, you didn't." + "Yes, I did." + "My God, Bill, what happened?" + "I got fired." + "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" + "Oh...she got fired too." + + diff --git a/ai/test/medical/medical213.txt b/ai/test/medical/medical213.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c1be0ec --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/medical/medical213.txt @@ -0,0 +1,22 @@ + +It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the war, +the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by teaching "a +singularly important principle of medicine." He asked a nurse to fetch him a +sample of Urine. He then talked at length about Diabetes mellitus. "Diabetes," +he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that the bees like the urine +of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which means sweet as honey. Well, +as you know, you may find sugar in the urine of a diabetic..." By now the nurse +had returned with a sample of urine which the registrar promptly held up like a +trophy. We stared at that straw colored fluid as if we had never seen such a +thing before. The registrar then startled us. He dipped a finger boldly into +the urine, then licked his finger with the tip of his tongue. As if tasting +wine, he opened and closed his lips rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint +taste of sugar? The sample was passed on to us for an opinion. We all dipped a +finger into the fluid, all of us foolishly licked that finger. "Now," said the +Registrar grinning, "You have learned the first principle of diagnosis. I mean +the power of observation." We were baffled. We stood near the sluice room +outside the ward, and in the distance, some anonymous patient was explosively +coughing. "You see," the registrar said continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my +MIDDLE finger into the urine, but licked my INDEX finger - not like all you +chaps. + diff --git a/ai/test/medical/medical23.txt b/ai/test/medical/medical23.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..db57187 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/medical/medical23.txt @@ -0,0 +1,24 @@ + +There was two businessmen, whose names happened to be Mr Turtle and Mr Carrot, +and one day as they were coming back from lunch Mr Turtle says to Mr Carrot, +"You know, you're getting fat", to which Mr Carrot says "You're not so slim +yourself!." So Mr Turtle says "OK, we'll see who is the least fit, race you +back to the office" So the race starts, and they'd only got about a block down +the street when Mr Turtle crosses the road in front of a car and gets bowled. +Mr Carrot sees that he's in a pretty bad way, so he rushes to the phone and +calls Mr Cabbage, the ambulance driver. Mr Cabbage duly arrives and piles Mr +Turtle into the Ambulance and rushes to hospital. Mr Turtle follows and as soon +as he gets to the Hospital he asks the nurse at Accident and Emergency, Miss +Cauliflower, whether he will be alright. "Miss Cauliflower, Miss Cauliflower, +will Mr Turtle be alright?" she replies "Well, i couldn't really say, you'll +have to ask Dr Bean." So he rushes over to Doctor Bean and says, "Doctor Bean, +Doctor Bean, will Mr Turtle be alright?" and the Doctor says "Well, I wouldn't +like to say, you'd best ask the specialist, Doctor Pea", so of course, Mr Carrot +rushes over to Doctor Pea and says "Doctor Pea, Doctor Pea, will Mr Turtle be +alright?", and Doctor Pea says "I've done all I can for him, it's all in the +hands of the Surgeon, Dr Turnip" So Mr Carrot waits outside the surgery for 3 +hours until they have finished the operation, and rushes up to Dr Turnip and +says "Doctor Turnip, Doctor Turnip, will Mr Turtle be alright?" and Dr Turnip +turns to him and says "We did all we could, but I'm afraid he'll be a vegetable +for the rest of his life..." + diff --git a/ai/test/medical/medical3.txt b/ai/test/medical/medical3.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..d6e3160 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/medical/medical3.txt @@ -0,0 +1,19 @@ + +A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. +Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative +that he make the best possible impression. On the morning of the presentation +he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant +characteristic of sounding like "HONDA." The man was besides himself. Every +few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA".... Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in +desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he +sought a physicians aid. After a full examination, the doctor told him that +there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait +it out. Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second +and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing. Finally one medic +suggested that he visit a dentist. Well although he could not see how a +dentist was going to be of any help, he visited one anyway. Lo and behold, the +dentist said, "Ah, there's the problem" "What is it?" the man asked. "Why you +have an abscess," said the dentist. "An abscess. How could that be causing my +problem?" asked the man. "That's easy," replied the dentist. "Why everyone +knows... Abscess makes the fart go Honda." + diff --git a/ai/test/medical/medical33.txt b/ai/test/medical/medical33.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..3eb54bd --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/medical/medical33.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +"Doctor, don't cut so deep. That's the third operating table you've ruined this +month!" + diff --git a/ai/test/medical/medical43.txt b/ai/test/medical/medical43.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0986ea0 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/medical/medical43.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ + +There are several kinds of doctors, and it is told that they can be +differentiated by the following method: +General Practitioners know nothing and do little. +Surgeons know little and do everything. +Internists knows everything and do nothing. +Pathologists know everything and can do everything, but it's usually too late. + diff --git a/ai/test/medical/medical53.txt b/ai/test/medical/medical53.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..93f1f49 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/medical/medical53.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What is the proper medical term for the CIRCUMCISION of a rabbit? +A Hare Cut. + diff --git a/ai/test/medical/medical63.txt b/ai/test/medical/medical63.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c04f71f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/medical/medical63.txt @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ + + A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her +blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest. + "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. + "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it that he never takes +off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. + A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes +off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. + "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. + "Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes +off his Yale sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies. + A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes +off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. + "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor. + "No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin. Why do you ask?" + diff --git a/ai/test/medical/medical73.txt b/ai/test/medical/medical73.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f683fc9 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/medical/medical73.txt @@ -0,0 +1,19 @@ + +Seems a mute was walking down the street one day and chanced upon a friend of +his (also a mute). In sign language, he inquired how his friend had been doing. +The friend replied (vocally!) "Oh, can that hand-waving shit. I can talk now." +Intrigued, the mute pressed him for details. Seems he had gone to a specialist, +who, seeing no physical damage, had put him on a treatment program that had +restored the use of his vocal chords. Gesturing wildly, the mute asked if he +might meet this specialist. They got an appointment that very afternoon. After +an exam, the specialist proclaimed that there was no permanent damage, that the +mute was essentially in the same condition as his buddy, and that there was no +reason why he couldn't be helped as well. "Yes, yes" signed the mute. "Let's +have the first treatment right now!" "Very well," replies the specialist. +"Kindly go into the next room, drop your pants and lean over the examining +table. I'll be right in." The mute does as instructed, and the doctor sneaks in +with a broomstick, mallet and jar of Vaseline. Greasing the broom handle, he +"sends it home" with a few deft swipes of the mallet. The mute jumps from the +table, screaming "AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaa!!!" "VERY good," smiles the doctor. "Next +Tuesday, we start with 'B'" + diff --git a/ai/test/medical/medical83.txt b/ai/test/medical/medical83.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..baf5450 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/medical/medical83.txt @@ -0,0 +1,5 @@ + +An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get +pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you +think lawyers come from?" + diff --git a/ai/test/medical/medical93.txt b/ai/test/medical/medical93.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e89a1a5 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/medical/medical93.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30. He is +persuaded to have a medical exam first. "Everyone tells me I need a checkup to +see if I'm sexually fit", he says to the doctor. "O. K.", says the medic, "let +me see your sex organs." So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle +finger. + diff --git a/ai/test/music/music103.txt b/ai/test/music/music103.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..477b0b2 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/music/music103.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ + +Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. + diff --git a/ai/test/music/music113.txt b/ai/test/music/music113.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..0d085e0 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/music/music113.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ + +Last summer, the local orchestra decided to play Beethoven's 9th symphony. +However, it being quite hot, the players were working up quite a sweat, until a +neighbor let them use the ventilators in her house. However, the wind from +these ventilators was causing the notes to blow all over the place, so they had +to tie them down to the note holders. The din from the ventilators was so bad +that the bassists decided it didn't matter if they downed a few drinks and got +royally drunk. Two of the bassists get so drunk, they pass out. One of the +violinists, in disgust, decided to go home but slipped and fell. Thus, it was +the bottom of the 9th, the bassists were loaded, the score was tied with two men +out and the fans were roaring wild when one of the players slid home. + diff --git a/ai/test/music/music123.txt b/ai/test/music/music123.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e3606e0 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/music/music123.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What do you get if Bach dies and is reincarnated as twins? +A pair of Re-bachs. + diff --git a/ai/test/music/music13.txt b/ai/test/music/music13.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..4e63841 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/music/music13.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's the difference between a cello and a coffin? +The coffin has the corpse on the inside. + diff --git a/ai/test/music/music133.txt b/ai/test/music/music133.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..6d32b38 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/music/music133.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + +How many sound men does it take to change a light bulb? +"Hey man, I just do sound." + or +One, two, three, one, two, three. + or +One. Upon finding no replacement, he takes the original apart, repairs it with +a chewing gum wrapper and duct tape, changes the screw mount to bayonet mount, +finds an appropriate patch cable, and re-installs the bulb fifty feet from where +it should have been, to the satisfaction of the rest of the band. + diff --git a/ai/test/music/music23.txt b/ai/test/music/music23.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..97fc787 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/music/music23.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? +A drummer. + diff --git a/ai/test/music/music3.txt b/ai/test/music/music3.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e01578b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/music/music3.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +How can you tell the stage you're playing on is level? +The banjo player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth. + diff --git a/ai/test/music/music33.txt b/ai/test/music/music33.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..310d7da --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/music/music33.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + + +Why did the French horn player never get second dates? +Every time he went to kiss the girl on the first date, he stuck his hand up her + ass. + + diff --git a/ai/test/music/music43.txt b/ai/test/music/music43.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..93df4d8 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/music/music43.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +How do you get 5 oboes in tune? +Shoot 4 of them. + diff --git a/ai/test/music/music53.txt b/ai/test/music/music53.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..459e8e6 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/music/music53.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What do you get when an army officer puts his nose to the grindstone? +A sharp major. + diff --git a/ai/test/music/music63.txt b/ai/test/music/music63.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..8c7e637 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/music/music63.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What's the definition of a gentleman? +One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't! + diff --git a/ai/test/music/music73.txt b/ai/test/music/music73.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a5c3724 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/music/music73.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +How many lead trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb? +50. 1 to do it and the others to stand around and say, "I could do that better. + diff --git a/ai/test/music/music83.txt b/ai/test/music/music83.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..550b64f --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/music/music83.txt @@ -0,0 +1,3 @@ +How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? +The bow is moving. + diff --git a/ai/test/music/music93.txt b/ai/test/music/music93.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9db9904 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/music/music93.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +Jacques Thibault, the violinist, was once handed an autograph book by a fan +while in the greenroom after a concert. "There's not much room on this page," +he said. "What shall I write?" Another violinist, standing by, offered the +following helpful hint: "Write your repertoire." + diff --git a/ai/test/sex/sex103.txt b/ai/test/sex/sex103.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..23b8dbe --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/sex/sex103.txt @@ -0,0 +1,7 @@ + +Two teachers are talking in the hallway. +"I hear you're teaching Ivanhoe this term in English class" +"Yes, They weren't allowed to teach that book when I was in school" +"Why not?" +"Too much Saxon Violence" + diff --git a/ai/test/sex/sex113.txt b/ai/test/sex/sex113.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..cac445c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/sex/sex113.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What does American beer and making love in a small rowing-boat have in common? +They are both fucking close to water! + diff --git a/ai/test/sex/sex123.txt b/ai/test/sex/sex123.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..f948b9c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/sex/sex123.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What did the banana say to the vibrator? +What are you shaking for? I'm the one she's going to *eat*! + diff --git a/ai/test/sex/sex13.txt b/ai/test/sex/sex13.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..cb86465 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/sex/sex13.txt @@ -0,0 +1,27 @@ + + A teenager of about 17 has a hot date with a girl, so he decided to go to the +pharmacy to buy some condoms. + +(Conversation as follows) + + Pharm: What can I help you with? + Teen: I'd like to...uh... ah... buy a condom. + Pharm: Ok. Here you are. (Sets condom, on counter.) + Teen: (Thinking that was rather easy and painless) Well, now that I think +about it, I think I'll be needing two condoms. + Pharm: Well, ok. (Gets another one). + Teen: (Getting bolder.) Actually, its a pretty hot date I have tonight, I +think I'll be needing four condoms. + (Teen keeps changing his mind and increasing the number of condoms he wants +until he's leaving the pharmacy with 2 dozen condoms) + Now the teenager arrives at his girlfriend's house. She tells him that he's +invited to stay for dinner. So he goes in and sits down at the table with all +of her family. The father asks if he'd like to say grace before beginning the +meal. He accepts and says the following: + Teen: Oh Lord, thank you for this food and the hands that made it, and the +people who took the time to grow it and... (goes on for nearly 10 minutes, +blessing EVERYTHING including the table, the silverware, all the containers, the +floor, etc...) ...AMEN. + Girl: Gee, I didn't know that you were really religious. + Teen: Well, I didn't know that your dad was a pharmacist. + diff --git a/ai/test/sex/sex133.txt b/ai/test/sex/sex133.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..7bd02fb --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/sex/sex133.txt @@ -0,0 +1,21 @@ + +Private Weston was stationed in Arabia during Desert Storm in a fairly isolated +location in the desert. After a couple of weeks without seeing a single woman, +he inquired to his sergeant about some leave to get some action. "Well, hell +boy, just use the camel, like everyone else.", the sergeant replied. Private +Weston looked at the smelly animal, drooling all over the place. "What do you +think I am, some sicko pervert?" he says. The sergeant just shrugs, "Suit +yourself." A couple of weeks pass by. And the pressure is just a-building in +the loins of private Weston. He again approaches his sergeant. "Serg, you just +gotta give me some leave or I'm gonna bust." The sergeant says, "Look boy I +told ya, if you want some action, go use the camel. Weston goes over to the +camel. He walks behind it and sees all the fleas and dirt surrounding the +camel's butt. "Nope, still not that desperate", he says to himself and walks +away. More weeks go by and Private Weston once again approaches his sergeant. +Before he can speak, the sergeant yells, "Look Weston, I'm not telling you +again. Either use the camel or forget it!" Chastised, Private Weston goes to +the camel. "Well at least its a large, furry, female mammal", he thinks. He +walks behind the camel and goes at it. After he's done, the sergeant walks up +to him, visibly shaken and says, "Look, man, the others use the camel to ride +into town and pick up girls." He was promoted to Colonel a week later. + diff --git a/ai/test/sex/sex143.txt b/ai/test/sex/sex143.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..003029b --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/sex/sex143.txt @@ -0,0 +1,8 @@ + + I was talking to my wife about the current financial situation and how she +would have to make cutbacks... + Me: As a start I think you should learn to "iron", then we could do without +the ironing lady. + She: Well if you would learn to Fuck me properly we could do without the the +gardener. + diff --git a/ai/test/sex/sex153.txt b/ai/test/sex/sex153.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..a06f7cc --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/sex/sex153.txt @@ -0,0 +1,120 @@ + +Various Ways To Say "Having Sex" + +Bang +Be the rug doctor +Beaver shooting +Been ridin' broomsticks since she was fifteen +Bend her over and load her like a shotgun +Bit-o-the-ol'-in-out +Bite the bearded clam +Bob the knob +Boink +Bone Smuggling +Bopping +Bottom knockin' +Bounce the Brillo +Break her open like a shotgun +Buff the helmet +Buffing +Bumping uglies +Bury the hatchet +Butter her muffin +Carpet munching +Check her oil +Clean the carpet +Come to my bed and let's practice parallel parking +Cuttin' a slice +Dance the buttock jig +Dent the egg +Dip your wick +Do it +Do the horizontal mambo +Do the Wild Thing +Doing it +Doing the nasty +Dueling Bedsprings +Eat at the Y +Feed the bear +Fenorking +Fit pipe +Flat Dancing +Fooling around +Fuck +Get a leg over +Get your bone honed +Get your noodle wet +Gettin' Busy +Getting you ashes hauled +Getting your bunny boiled +Getting your canoe shellacked +Getting your horns filed +Getting your weiner wet +Give her the time +Giving her a pearl necklace +Go like a rat up a rhododendron +Goin' horizontal +Hammerin' +Hawaiian Muscle Fuck (titty-fuck) +He hasn't had his tires rotated in months +Hide and shriek +Hide the HotDog +Hide the sausage +Hiding the salami +Hobble +Hose +I wanna bust that body +I'm having lunch at the Y. It's a box lunch - furburgers! +I'm so horny the crack of dawn isn't safe +Lay cable +Lay pipe +Lay the hen +Let's go "Whale some babes"! +Make it +Man, I'd fuck her like a tied yard-dog +Muff dive +Negotiate the forested chasm +Park his car in her garage +Pin her legs back like a Safeway chicken +Play hide the salami +Playing doctor +Poke the yolk +Poking the sushi +Poking the whisker biscuit +Pop you c==k +Pump +Put his snake through her grass +Ride the skin bus into Tuna town +Ring the cash register +Romping +Rope a poke +Saturate the ferrod +Screw +Sharpen the pencil +She hasn't had her ticket punched since Ike carried his own golf clubs +Sink the Pink +Slam her clam +Slam some Ham +Slice the muffin +Slip her the hot beef injection +Slip her the tubesteak! +Slip her the whale +Slip the Salami +Snake her +So horny I have to stand on my hands to pee +Some nookie-nookie honey +Splooge, spunk, gack, splooey +Stoke her yoke +Strop one's beak +Stuff her muff +Stuff the bunny +Swallow the swan +Tame her shrew +Tap your tailpipe +The beast with two backs +The nasty +Tube steak boogie +Varnish one's cane +Wax your candle +Work the hairy oracle + diff --git a/ai/test/sex/sex163.txt b/ai/test/sex/sex163.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..c7de4a8 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/sex/sex163.txt @@ -0,0 +1,21 @@ + +The development of International Standards can be likened to the events of +conception, pregnancy and birth. At the outset, the decision to produce a +standard is made. There then follows frantic activity during which many +organizations compete to develop the standard. An International Standard can +usually trace many ancestors in its genes. Eventually the standard is born and +is given a name, which is generally quite prosaic but interestingly is always +called after the mother. The gestation period of an International Standard +depends on its mother and may be up to 5 years. + +Many organizations develop their own standards, but the chief International ones +are ISO, CCITT, ECMA and ANSI. The prime focus for OSI Standardization, ISO +(Internecine Strife Organization), sees the effect of both Intercept and +Contracept Strategies; it is not accidental that "ISO" is "OSI" backwards. One +body that is very effective in getting its own way is CCITT (Comit'e pour +Conformance aux Ide'es T'el'ephiniques Totale). However, ECMA (Effective +Contracept Methods Association), provides an excellent counter to CCITT +activities. ANSI (American Nexus for Sub-committees In-fighting) finds itself +in the middle of opposing CCITT-like and ECMA-like views. + +3. Methods diff --git a/ai/test/sex/sex173.txt b/ai/test/sex/sex173.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..14f8461 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/sex/sex173.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ + +The Contracept Strategy may be applied at three levels. First of all, it may be +used against competitive developments' at an early stage. Secondly, it may be +used to make others aware of the problem and help defeat it. Finally, it may be +used to make sure that rival ideas are not brought to fruition. This culminates +in a triple contracept. It is analogous to deciding which horse should lose, +backing against it and nobbling it. + +5. Conclusion diff --git a/ai/test/sex/sex183.txt b/ai/test/sex/sex183.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..4098326 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/sex/sex183.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +Did you hear about the "day after" pill for men? +It changes their blood type. + diff --git a/ai/test/sex/sex193.txt b/ai/test/sex/sex193.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..14515bd --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/sex/sex193.txt @@ -0,0 +1,11 @@ + +This old couple Mavis and Ron are sitting at their front porch. +Mavis : Fuck you Ron. +Ron: Fuck you Mavis. +Mavis : Fuck you Ron. +Ron: Fuck you Mavis. + +They continue for about 2 hours; finally they stop. + +Mavis : Well Ron, oral sex all it's cracked up to be? + diff --git a/ai/test/sex/sex203.txt b/ai/test/sex/sex203.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..91bcc0c --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/sex/sex203.txt @@ -0,0 +1,65 @@ + + + + I knew this guy, he told me this, but I don't know if it's true. He said +that one day, he was riding through North Carolina and he saw a sign that said: +"Vaseline-Powered Car For Sale". He thought this was pretty odd so he decided +to follow the signs to look at the Vaseline-powered car. He drove for about +five miles and finally came upon a sign that pointed up a driveway, which led +back into some woods. He pulled in and drove about half a mile and came upon a +house. It looked deserted so he blew the horn. He waited for about a minute +before an old man came out. He rolled his window down and called out to him, +"Hey! Is it true that you have a Vaseline-powered car for sale?" The old man +assured him he did and the guy asked him if he could see it. + They walked back behind the house to an old barn. The old man opened the +double wide barn door and there was a car sitting under an old dirty blanket. +The old man pulled the blanket off the car and under it was a shiny red +Corvette. + "1969, 369 Cubic inch, 400 horsepower, 4-speed transmission", the old man +said. The guy asked him if it was true that the car ran on Vaseline. And the +old man went to the Vaseline tank and stuck his hand inside. When he pulled it +out it was covered with Vaseline. "Care to drive it?", he asked. + As the guy snapped on his seat belt the old man said, "Don't go too fast. +Vaseline has more pick-up than regular gas. And it's low on Vaseline, too, so +don't go too far". This guy turned the key and that car fired up and it sounded +like the space shuttle and then it settled down like a purring tiger. He found +first gear and eased out of the barn. He turned onto the hardtop and hit second +gear at 45 mph. Third at 70 and into fourth at 95. The car felt wonderful! +110 mph and so smooth! And the pick-up was unbelieveable! He had covered five +miles in under three minutes when, all of the sudden, the car shut off. He +coasted to a stop and got out. To his fear, he was out of Vaseline. He started +to walk. + Meanwhile, down the road... + A family had just finished supper. There was dad, mom, and two daughters, +one home from college, the other in high school. Dad was telling mom how good +supper was and mom said that since she cooked such a fine meal that she +shouldn't have to wash the dishes. The oldest girl said that she couldn't do +the dishes because she had a date and the other daughter said she had homework +to do and couldn't do the dishes. Dad said that he was the man of the house and +he'll be damned if he did the dishes. They argued for a few minutes and then +dad told everybody to shut up. He said that since they couldn't decide who +would wash the dishes, then what they should do is go in the living room, sit +down, and the first person to say anything would have to do the dishes. They +agreed and moved to the living room. They sat down and stared at each other, +not speaking a word. Everybody had their mouths closed. Nobody dared to speak. +Silence filled the room. + There was a knock at the door. A few moments later, another knock. The man +at the door saw the family throught the window. He knocked again but nobody +answered. He walked in. + "Hey, I knocked on your door but nobody said...hey, food! Do you mind if I +have some?," the stranger asked. Nobody said anything. So he went to the table +and started eating. He looked in the fridge and found some beer and asked if he +could have some. Nobody said anything. He drank three or four beers and got a +little buzz. He walked into the living room and asked dad if he minded if he +had sex with his oldest daughter. Nobody said anything. He took the girl in +the bedroom and had sex with her. Later, he was back at the supper table +drinking more beer. He walked back into the living room and asked dad if he +could have sex with his youngest daughter. Nobody said anything. He took her +into the bedroom and had sex with her too. Later, sitting at the table, after +more beer, mom started to look pretty good. He walked in and asked dad if he +minded if he had sex with his wife. Nobody said anything. So he took mom into +the bedroom and had sex with her. When he was through he walked into the living +room and stood in front of dad. + "Hey, do you have any Vaseline?", he asked dad. + And dad said, "I'll wash the damn dishes." + diff --git a/ai/test/sex/sex23.txt b/ai/test/sex/sex23.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..31bad36 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/sex/sex23.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +Two gay men are walking along, and are checking out this guy across the street. + "Hey, I know that guy! He's HOT!" + "No shit..." + "Well, hardly any." + diff --git a/ai/test/sex/sex3.txt b/ai/test/sex/sex3.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..526d826 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/sex/sex3.txt @@ -0,0 +1,17 @@ + + A fellow walks into the pharmacy and ask to purchase some condoms. + "What size package would you like?" + "Oh, I get to choose? What do you have?" + "Well we have a six-pack, a nine-pack and a twelve-pack." + "Why so many different ones?" + "Well the six-pack is very popular with our customers of the Jewish +persuasion." + "Why is that?" + "Evidently, once a night, except the sabbath." + "How about the nine-pack?" + "That is very popular with our customers of the black persuasion. Once a +night and twice on weekends." + "How about the twelve-pack." + "That is very popular with our customers of the white persuasion...January, +February, March..." + diff --git a/ai/test/sex/sex33.txt b/ai/test/sex/sex33.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..65089fa --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/sex/sex33.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What do lesbians like more than Levi Jeans? +Billy Jeans. + diff --git a/ai/test/sex/sex43.txt b/ai/test/sex/sex43.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..447c2c8 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/sex/sex43.txt @@ -0,0 +1,4 @@ + +What do you call a smiling Roman with pubic hair between his teeth? +Gladiator! (Glad he ate her) + diff --git a/ai/test/sex/sex53.txt b/ai/test/sex/sex53.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..e6a3815 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/sex/sex53.txt @@ -0,0 +1,6 @@ + +A little boy gets up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. As he +passes his parent's bedroom he peeks in through the keyhole. He watches for a +moment, then continues on down the hallway, saying to himself, "Boy, and she +gets mad at me for sucking my thumb." + diff --git a/ai/test/sex/sex63.txt b/ai/test/sex/sex63.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..9bf4fd1 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/sex/sex63.txt @@ -0,0 +1,9 @@ + + There's this old man in a nursing home and he's hornier than hell. So he +sees this cute nurse and says "How about a quickie for twenty bucks?" + She agrees and gets on top of him. They go at it for about ten minutes. +After the act, the old man says "You know, if I knew you were a virgin, I would +have paid you a hundred bucks." + In reply, the nurse says "If I knew you could get it up that high, I would +have taken off my pantyhose." + diff --git a/ai/test/sex/sex73.txt b/ai/test/sex/sex73.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..b533196 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/sex/sex73.txt @@ -0,0 +1,16 @@ + +Warm eyes, wet lips +Gently touch my finger tips + +Soft sighs, silky hair +Longing for me to touch her there + +Her begging eyes +Her whimpering cries + +Urgent needs of one so sweet +Bring me quickly to my feet + +The night is warm, there is no doubt +It's my turn to take the dog out + diff --git a/ai/test/sex/sex83.txt b/ai/test/sex/sex83.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..21e2d59 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/sex/sex83.txt @@ -0,0 +1,19 @@ + + Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of +years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible +compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife +suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill +indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on +his own. + One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could +see at once that something was seriously wrong. + "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. + "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my +penis into the pickle slicer?" + "Oh, Bill, you didn't." + "Yes, I did." + "My God, Bill, what happened?" + "I got fired." + "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" + "Oh...she got fired too." + diff --git a/ai/test/sex/sex93.txt b/ai/test/sex/sex93.txt new file mode 100755 index 0000000..1daa741 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/test/sex/sex93.txt @@ -0,0 +1,12 @@ + + A Martian expedition came to Earth to observe humans. + The alien spacecraft landed in the middle of the Arizona desert, infront of +an old, abandoned gas station. One of the aliens decides to interact with one +of the old gas pumps (confusing it with a human, since it had a round head). + The alien steps forth and asks, "What is your name? Who is your leader? +What do you do here?" The gas pump didn't respond. + The alien gets in his spacecraft and contacts the mother ship to give his +report. The alien says, " I have observed the humans. They are deaf, dumb, and +as a side note, never send a female Martian to explore this planet because they +have dicks so long, they hang them from their ear." + diff --git a/ai/text-classification.py b/ai/text-classification.py new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4d74790 --- /dev/null +++ b/ai/text-classification.py @@ -0,0 +1,253 @@ +#!/usr/bin/python +# -*- coding: utf-8 -*- + +# Copyright (C) 2018 David Arroyo Menéndez + +# Author: David Arroyo Menéndez +# Maintainer: David Arroyo Menéndez + +# This file is free software; you can redistribute it and/or modify +# it under the terms of the GNU General Public License as published by +# the Free Software Foundation; either version 3, or (at your option) +# any later version. + +# This file is distributed in the hope that it will be useful, +# but WITHOUT ANY WARRANTY; without even the implied warranty of +# MERCHANTABILITY or FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE. See the +# GNU General Public License for more details. + +# You should have received a copy of the GNU General Public License +# along with GNU Emacs; see the file COPYING. If not, write to +# the Free Software Foundation, Inc., 51 Franklin Street, Fifth Floor, +# Boston, MA 02110-1301 USA, + +import re, os + +class BagOfWords(object): + """ Implementing a bag of words, words corresponding with their frequency of usages in a "document" + for usage by the Document class, DocumentClass class and the Pool class.""" + + def __init__(self): + self.__number_of_words = 0 + self.__bag_of_words = {} + + def __add__(self,other): + """ Overloading of the "+" operator to join two BagOfWords """ + erg = BagOfWords() + sum = erg.__bag_of_words + for key in self.__bag_of_words: + sum[key] = self.__bag_of_words[key] + if key in other.__bag_of_words: + sum[key] += other.__bag_of_words[key] + for key in other.__bag_of_words: + if key not in sum: + sum[key] = other.__bag_of_words[key] + return erg + + def add_word(self,word): + """ A word is added in the dictionary __bag_of_words""" + self.__number_of_words += 1 + if word in self.__bag_of_words: + self.__bag_of_words[word] += 1 + else: + self.__bag_of_words[word] = 1 + + def len(self): + """ Returning the number of different words of an object """ + return len(self.__bag_of_words) + + def Words(self): + """ Returning a list of the words contained in the object """ + return self.__bag_of_words.keys() + + + def BagOfWords(self): + """ Returning the dictionary, containing the words (keys) with their frequency (values)""" + return self.__bag_of_words + + def WordFreq(self,word): + """ Returning the frequency of a word """ + if word in self.__bag_of_words: + return self.__bag_of_words[word] + else: + return 0 + + +class Document(object): + """ Used both for learning (training) documents and for testing documents. The optional parameter lear + has to be set to True, if a classificator should be trained. If it is a test document learn has to be set to False. """ + _vocabulary = BagOfWords() + + def __init__(self, vocabulary): + self.__name = "" + self.__document_class = None + self._words_and_freq = BagOfWords() + Document._vocabulary = vocabulary + + def read_document(self,filename, learn=False): + """ A document is read. It is assumed that the document is either encoded in utf-8 or in iso-8859... (latin-1). + The words of the document are stored in a Bag of Words, i.e. self._words_and_freq = BagOfWords() """ + try: + text = open(filename,"r", encoding='utf-8').read() + except UnicodeDecodeError: + text = open(filename,"r", encoding='latin-1').read() + text = text.lower() + words = re.split(r"\W",text) + + self._number_of_words = 0 + for word in words: + self._words_and_freq.add_word(word) + if learn: + Document._vocabulary.add_word(word) + + + def __add__(self,other): + """ Overloading the "+" operator. Adding two documents consists in adding the BagOfWords of the Documents """ + res = Document(Document._vocabulary) + res._words_and_freq = self._words_and_freq + other._words_and_freq + return res + + def vocabulary_length(self): + """ Returning the length of the vocabulary """ + return len(Document._vocabulary) + + def WordsAndFreq(self): + """ Returning the dictionary, containing the words (keys) with their frequency (values) as contained + in the BagOfWords attribute of the document""" + return self._words_and_freq.BagOfWords() + + def Words(self): + """ Returning the words of the Document object """ + d = self._words_and_freq.BagOfWords() + return d.keys() + + def WordFreq(self,word): + """ Returning the number of times the word "word" appeared in the document """ + bow = self._words_and_freq.BagOfWords() + if word in bow: + return bow[word] + else: + return 0 + + def __and__(self, other): + """ Intersection of two documents. A list of words occuring in both documents is returned """ + intersection = [] + words1 = self.Words() + for word in other.Words(): + if word in words1: + intersection += [word] + return intersection + +class DocumentClass(Document): + def __init__(self, vocabulary): + Document.__init__(self, vocabulary) + self._number_of_docs = 0 + + def Probability(self,word): + """ returns the probabilty of the word "word" given the class "self" """ + voc_len = Document._vocabulary.len() + SumN = 0 + for i in range(voc_len): + SumN = DocumentClass._vocabulary.WordFreq(word) + N = self._words_and_freq.WordFreq(word) + erg = 1 + N + erg /= voc_len + SumN + return erg + + def __add__(self,other): + """ Overloading the "+" operator. Adding two DocumentClass objects consists in adding the + BagOfWords of the DocumentClass objectss """ + res = DocumentClass(self._vocabulary) + res._words_and_freq = self._words_and_freq + other._words_and_freq + + return res + + def SetNumberOfDocs(self, number): + self._number_of_docs = number + + def NumberOfDocuments(self): + return self._number_of_docs + +class Pool(object): + def __init__(self): + self.__document_classes = {} + self.__vocabulary = BagOfWords() + + def sum_words_in_class(self, dclass): + """ The number of times all different words of a dclass appear in a class """ + sum = 0 + for word in self.__vocabulary.Words(): + WaF = self.__document_classes[dclass].WordsAndFreq() + if word in WaF: + sum += WaF[word] + return sum + + def learn(self, directory, dclass_name): + """ directory is a path, where the files of the class with the name dclass_name can be found """ + x = DocumentClass(self.__vocabulary) + dir = os.listdir(directory) + for file in dir: + d = Document(self.__vocabulary) + print(directory + "/" + file) + d.read_document(directory + "/" + file, learn = True) + x = x + d + self.__document_classes[dclass_name] = x + x.SetNumberOfDocs(len(dir)) + + + def Probability(self, doc, dclass = ""): + """Calculates the probability for a class dclass given a document doc""" + if dclass: + sum_dclass = self.sum_words_in_class(dclass) + prob = 0 + + d = Document(self.__vocabulary) + d.read_document(doc) + + for j in self.__document_classes: + sum_j = self.sum_words_in_class(j) + prod = 1 + for i in d.Words(): + wf_dclass = 1 + self.__document_classes[dclass].WordFreq(i) + wf = 1 + self.__document_classes[j].WordFreq(i) + r = wf * sum_dclass / (wf_dclass * sum_j) + prod *= r + prob += prod * self.__document_classes[j].NumberOfDocuments() / self.__document_classes[dclass].NumberOfDocuments() + if prob != 0: + return 1 / prob + else: + return -1 + else: + prob_list = [] + for dclass in self.__document_classes: + prob = self.Probability(doc, dclass) + prob_list.append([dclass,prob]) + prob_list.sort(key = lambda x: x[1], reverse = True) + return prob_list + + def DocumentIntersectionWithClasses(self, doc_name): + res = [doc_name] + for dc in self.__document_classes: + d = Document(self.__vocabulary) + d.read_document(doc_name, learn=False) + o = self.__document_classes[dc] & d + intersection_ratio = len(o) / len(d.Words()) + res += (dc, intersection_ratio) + return res + + +import os + +DClasses = ["clinton", "lawyer", "math", "medical", "music", "sex"] + +base = "learn/" +p = Pool() +for i in DClasses: + p.learn(base + i, i) + +base = "test/" +for i in DClasses: + dir = os.listdir(base + i) + for file in dir: + res = p.Probability(base + i + "/" + file) + print(i + ": " + file + ": " + str(res))